BS (me) and my WS are both women, so the pronouns make sense.
My WS sent a message to a coworker last week telling her she had gotten her something small for her birthday. She didn’t, but she was planning to I guess, or at least blowing sunshine up this girl’s ass. The coworker responded professionally and all other messages between them have been sterile/professional. Coworker lives in another state with her BF and comes to the “home” office in our state every so often.
But after seeing the message, I lost it. It seems small, but WS admits she knew it wasn’t appropriate and that I wouldn’t like it after she sent it. I asked her why she needs to be saying anything like this to her, and she showed me a text from the same day where the coworker had done a task for WS that she didn’t have to do, so WS said she wanted to do something nice in return.
I respect that she didn’t delete the message, which is her usual MO. WS also admitted deleting a few texts in March she sent to this person where WS had referenced grabbing her a company-themed stress ball at a work event, etc, because she had wanted one. She said she deleted the messages in March because she didn’t want me to think anything. I said if she didn’t want me to think anything, she shouldn’t have deleted it.
I will also say she never usually admits something without solid proof. Although I did threaten to check her texts against the phone bill (I have full access), so that may have motivated her to come clean. She said she would ask the coworker to send a screenshot of the texts to affirm they weren’t inappropriate, but I don’t want to risk WS’s job with weird behavior like that.
WS’s actual affair (a few weeks in Sept/Oct 2018) was with a coworker (different job - she quit) and she of course deleted texts as part of her cheating behaviors. So this situation is super triggering. I’ve had two years of trickle truthing and I thought we had made good progress for the past 5 months. To me, this is still “active cheater mindset” shit and I can’t tolerate it. I don’t know what to do. She’s been in IC since DDAY 1 and we’ve been in MC for less than 2 months. I know she’s not cheating now, but I see this behavior as belonging to someone who is never going to “get” what I need to heal or become a better person.