"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Freeme posted 8/6/2020 05:47 AM

The next few days I stayed in a close friend’s place. When I came back home, my husband looked all quiet. He said he cannot lose me, he wants to be with me. He will end the A, will change things etc. I didn’t say anything and went to work.

How can you trust him? Short answer you can't. The last few times you've taken him at his word... you've been around while he continues cheating and coming home to you. He doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to "hurt" the OW either. What he wants is to string you and her along and continue things the way they are. He thinks he can do that by calling your bluff and dropping crumbs every so often. My guess is that if you were to try to R now he would tell you he just needs to meet with the AP to let her down easily... that he just needs to see the AP again to make sure she's ok... that he didn't fully end things with her because ....this is a difficult time for her.... that.... you get the idea. Lot's and lots of excuses to continue his cake eating.

I know you want to Reconcile more than anything. My advice would be to tell him that you are moving forward with the divorce that his affair went on too long and has completly erriticated your trust in everything he says and does. That it's up to him to figure out how to rebuild that trust before time runs out. That every time he contacts her, sees her, lies to you... chips away at any chance he has at rebuilding that trust. He has done this to your marrage he needs to figure out if he can repair it.

Then you need to continue with the process for the divorce and not treat it as a bluff. If he really wants to make this marriage work he should be moving mountains all he is really doing is tossing a few stones. He needs to do the hard work and you need to keep moving forward. Their are plenty of book he can get that can help him on his journey.

Remember Actions not words. He has said alot of stuff but what has he DONE?
Also, remember to keep moving forward. I have a feeling that if you stall the process of divorce he will stall the process of earning you trust back. If you keep moving forward you might end up divorced by you will also end up out of infidelity.

WhatisnowNew posted 8/6/2020 16:51 PM

Freeme, thank you for your reply. I was so scared since I valued this marriage so much. The intense pain continued for months. But he finally brought me to the point of “I don’t need a man who behaves like this and I will be very happy by myself”. It is his doing. I will never say this to him but I almost want to thank him for pushing my limits. I used the see him through pink glasses. He was the center of my life, I loved him dearly. I had to face with myself and realise so many things about my relationship with him. The divorce is on the table, and he knows that. His actions will determine my actions.

Notriangle, I read your story from your posts. Unbelievable. I have been reading here for a while and just when I think there can’t be something new, or more, or more crazy, there always is. How are you, how is your situation?

[This message edited by WhatisnowNew at 4:53 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 8/6/2020 20:24 PM

If you decide to Reconcile I strongly suggest a post nup.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:50 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

reborn07 posted 8/7/2020 03:28 AM

i’m sorry you’re having to struggle through such a mess. make sure you have the strength to stand your ground. letting the excuses and explanations give him what he wants will only reinforce that there are no consequences. sometimes it’s easier to get over the person who wronged you than it is to keep the person and try to get over the wrong doing. choose wisely, good luck and i hope for the best

The1stWife posted 8/7/2020 05:51 AM

Have you seen any positive actions yet?

steadychevy posted 8/7/2020 06:22 AM

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you numerous times.

It was indicated above that you can wait to file. I disagree. You can file and have him served. It takes a long time after that to actually divorce and you don't have to complete the process. Even after my divorce decree was signed by a judge 2 years after filing and serving I had to wait 30 days cooling off period before it was legal.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 6:23 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

susielee posted 8/7/2020 07:21 AM

Yep, ours took over a year after filing, and if I had needed more time, my lawyer could have gotten me up to three years.

In our case I asked for six months, then told the lawyer to proceed. Then for some reason the ex started dragging his feet. But in the mean time he could not drain my share of money, or run up bills that I was half responsible for.

When these cads/cadesses are out continuing to get their jollies the legal separation should be quick and as favored to the betrayed spouse as possible. Cancel all joint credit cards, secure joint money with help from lawyer if needed.

redwing6 posted 8/10/2020 18:07 PM

As you said, D is on the table and how he behaves will determine my actions

You gave him 6 months to get his shit together. He chose not to. Have D papers drawn up and have him served. Stay in the house and do the hard 180. Keep a VAR on you at all times to record him just in case he decides to be stupid. Tell him his failure to end it in the 6 months he had, is all the explanation you need.