SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I have been sharing my story for a while here. I found about my husband’s A 6 months ago. I have literally waited in pain for him to end it. I was patient and understanding the whole time because he told me that he had to forget about our love to start the A, and that it helps him to be with me to remember how good of a couple we were. He talked about wanting to end the A but not knowing how, he cannot lose me and all that. You told me that no one can take a WS back just being nice and understanding. You were right. After a while I did the 180 and he was craving for my attention. He wasn’t used to coming home and seeing me not interested in anything he says, he wasn’t used to me living downstairs or out with friends all night. I finally told him to leave the house to do whatever he wanted to do. I asked him to pack his stuff asap. He told me he doesn’t want to. I insisted that he will and went to bed. He came after me to say that he doesn’t want to go live with her. I ignored him and went to sleep. Next day, I again reminded the same thing and at that point I was very tired of the whole thing. He said he thought about moving in with her, but he doesn’t want it. Interesting. He kept repeating the same thing, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to lose you. He needed time to end this A etc etc, same things I have been hearing for months.

A few days passed. I told him that I saw a lawyer and I want to end our relationship, which was true. He couldn’t speak. I do not even want to make sentences and explain myself to him so I went to bed.

The next few days I stayed in a close friend’s place. When I came back home, my husband looked all quiet. He said he cannot lose me, he wants to be with me. He will end the A, will change things etc. I didn’t say anything and went to work.

I had to go through so much pain, such horrible days and nights. I even wanted to die. Now that I tell him that I can live without him, he is free to do whatever he wants (he was doing it anyway), and just after I say these things to him, he wants me back? How could I even trust him?

He deceived me once with a false R (DD2 was a few weeks after). I knew that he was lying, it was so obvious. He now tells me he can never do that again, he is depressed because of everything he did ( drinking all the time) and he really wants to change things. How can I even trust him? I sometimes want to go live my life without the drama. This was a 13 years old marriage and I am so confused right now.

He said he thought about moving in with her, but he doesn’t want it. Interesting. He kept repeating the same thing, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to lose you. He needed time to end this A etc etc, same things I have been hearing for months.

Out of all places and knowing you're telling him to leave precisely because of the A and his AP , why does he have to more with her ? Are there not one bedroom condos where you live ? couldn't he crash at a relative/friend's house for a few days while he finds one ?

Listen he doesn't need time to end his A, all it takes in a 10 second phone (on speaker and in front of you) call to tell her "AP we're done for good, I'm going to work to save my M, don't EVER contact me again, if you do, legal action will follow for harassment and a Restraining Order will be put in place immediately" and hang up, followed by a short text message saying the same thing so that there's proof in case you need it for the RO.

However he's had plenty of chances and plenty of time, continue with the D, go ahead and file, he's in an ACTIVE A and there's absolutely NOTHING to work with here until that changes and can be verified after a few months and he signs a postnuptial agreement in your favor in case he cheats again and that's if you at that point are still considering the possibility to R.

I also recommend you keep your story in one thread, that way you don't have to keep repeating what happened, it's just better to keep up and follow.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:06 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

If he wants you back for the right reasons, he will prove it with actions. He will move out and allow you to heal while also ending it with AP and figuring out how he could ever treat his wife this way. He will be patient and do these things without a promise of reconciling. If he can't do that, you know he has no intention of becoming a safe partner.

Stick to your boundaries. He has put you thru so much hurt and you have no reason to trust that he won't do it again. His tears are for him and the fact that he now has actual consequences for his choices.

Again, if he means it he will prove it and be patient. You have already been more patient that you should have been. It's his turn.

He kept repeating the same thing, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to lose you. He needed time to end this A etc etc, same things I have been hearing for months.

And you gave him six months... which is six months more than he'd have had with most of us. I'd have given him 30 seconds. So, he's got no leg to stand on in terms of complaints. He asked for time. You gave him time. And what did he do with it?... he continued to choose DAILY to keep you in hell.

I'm so glad you finally stood up for yourself, and I hope you'll follow through. You appear to still be stuck in the "sunk costs" fallacy. But if you imagine spending 13 years digging a hole with a dysfunctional partner, if you choose to just keep digging, in thirty years all you're going to have is a much deeper hole. NOW he promises to end the affair, NOW he promises to change. You were gone for several days. Did he indeed end the affair and schedule counseling? No. We don't measure a liar's sincerity by his words. We look at his ACTIONS. So, there's nothing to be confused about here. He's still not taking any action.

You'll do what you think is best for yourself anyway. But this guy has been cheating for over a year now and he's kept you in Hell for nearly half of that. I'd curb him and be done because regardless of what he claims... THAT'S NOT LOVE.

If he performed false R once, that would be end game for most. Go ask the Waywards about false R. They will give you a lot of insight.

He is like a heroin addict. Unless he gets help, he is just going to keep lying to get that A fix.

Stay to the 180 so you make him keep chasing you. When he is alone, he needs to look inward and understand what needs to be fixed.

Stay strong. You took one step away from him with your start of the 180 and he is chasing you like you wanted. Imagine another step. It is going to take a few steps. Good luck.

The next few days I stayed in a close friend’s place. When I came back home, my husband looked all quiet. He said he cannot lose me, he wants to be with me. He will end the A, will change things etc. I didn’t say anything and went to work.

Look closely at his wording. He says he WILL end the A. He says he WILL change things. If he is serious about keeping you, why hasn't he ended the A already? It takes all of 90 seconds to send her a NC message and block her. Why didn't he do that and spend this chance showing you that it's over with her for good? Perhaps because he's still not fully sold on going NC with her and wants to buy more time with you to keep his options open?

Whatis, you need to see ACTIONS. Not words. Those words before were lies and he is still giving you more as if it's the truth this time after MONTHS of lies and false R. Nope. Don't buy it. Continue forward. You can stop and think if he SHOWS you he's ended it with her and gives you full transparency.

Actions speak louder than words.

Proceed with your plans.

He has not given her up yet, he's gaslighting you big time.

Hugs....

He will end the A, will change things etc

What a manipulative piece of shit. Look at what he said- it's in future tense.

Don't fall for this sorry joke. If he really meant it his girlfriend would have been long gone.

Only believe actions. If his lips are moving he is trying to con you and manipulate you.

OH- and a standing ovation for you for implementing the 180 so well!

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:00 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Typical cake eater. He wants to hang on to both relationships and is playing two ends against the middle.

He lies and manipulates you and God knows what he's telling his AP.

Right after my dday my FWH did the same shit. Told me the A was over, told me he wasn't talking or seeing her (they worked for the same company so yeah, he was still seeing her) He did actually tell her that I now knew about the A, but his ass was in a sling and he didn't know how to get his coward ass out of it. I did a hard 180 and he ended it for good. It's been almost 3 yrs now and we have reconciled and he hasn't seen or talked to her since. (He quit his job as well)

My point is, my H was a coward too at one point. He knew he wanted to end his A, but he felt pity for his AP and felt that he had used her (which he did) but when he did the math, she wasn't worth it and losing his marriage scared the hell out of him.

If your H doesn't want to lose you, his actions will speak louder than words. He needs to dump his AP now. Not in a month from now, don't give him "time". That is complete horse shit. Then he needs to do the work and prove to you that he is a safe partner and can earn back your trust. Otherwise, he will continue to pull this crap and you will be stuck in limbo until you get yourself out of it.

WhatisnowNew

This might sound harsh but…

In your earlier posts you claim you have read here on SI and done everything suggested here. Yet you are still in the situation where either you leave and come back, he leaves and comes back or you threaten divorce and he comes back…

The common thread being someone coming back. Back from what?

When you come back from somewhere it implies that you originally left.

Where he/you left from is infidelity. He has repeatedly gone back to her and you have repeatedly let him come back from her.

Why should this instance be different?

Well… Unless you really do read the advice offered and follow it.

DO NOT let him control your decision to divorce. Carry on with that process. Get your ducks lined up, know your rights, look for an attorney… Heck… even file.

But let him know.

Tell him the simple truth:

Honey – this is the nth time you claim it’s over yet you relapse. I know you might have one or more relapses left in you – but I don’t. I’m keeping my option of divorce open. I can control the speed and maybe I don’t have to file right now. But I would like to carry on with my work on visioning what divorce would be like because then I can compare it to what you are offering me. If you relapse, if you contact her, if you sit about pining for her and if I ever get the feeling that I’m not the most important person in your life then at least I don’t have to start from zero.

How you behave and how you interact with me will control the pace of my divorce from you. If you are open and honest and work at our marriage then I can always stop the process. But if not then the divorce is inevitable anyways.

I hope I’m not going to sound preachy or anything like that.

I went through your exact situation. Word for word.

I tell him I’m D him after dday2 and false reconciliation and his saying for 4 months “I want a D - nope changed my mind”. I was a yo-yo at that time.

Until I stood up to him and said I’m done!

Suddenly he wants to R.

I would not agree to anything and it took 6 months if him trying and making and amends and being remorseful before I thought we would make it and not D. However there were serious drastic changes he made. Immediately I could see things were different.

It took 2-3 years past Dday to get to a strong solid point. I stopped thinking negatively. During those 2 years we had some fun times and got along well. But there were times I would refuse to back down and stood up to him. I got him to answer questions he would normally avoid.

I hung in there. Not easy at times but worth it.

I suggest you keep up with counseling if you have been going. It helped me tremendously and was a big reason why I gave him a chance for R.

I don’t get why we have to become so mean and hard nosed to get the cheater in line but sometimes it just works that way.

My H told me he realized in dday2 that his unhappiness (and his decision to cheat) was his undoing and his negativity. There was nothing wrong with us. There was something wrong with him.

PS I also demanded a post nup. He signed it willingly. In case we D for any reason my assets are mine and not included in a D as marital assets. I highly suggest it.

My H signed it b/c he says he was determined to do everything and there would never be a need for it. So far he’s right.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:45 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

When I read what the OP said, I kept thinking I hope The1stWife responds to this one. It's right up her story line.

He will end the A, will change things etc

No, he won’t.

He will continue to lie, gaslight, and manipulate you as long as he possibly can.

He “will” end the affair?

He “will” change things?

Even after he knows you have seen an attorney?

How about “He ENDED the affair” or “He HAS changed things” and can prove it.

My XWW continued her sex-for-compliments affair for months after I found out and all the while treating me like utter shit.

I never said anything to her about divorce.

Without telling her, I retained an attorney and filed for divorce.

I didn’t even have her served - I told my attorney “She’ll figure it out eventually.”

A few days later she started receiving unsolicited mail from divorce attorneys offering their services.

While at work, she figured to check the county clerk website for recent court filings and viola, there it was and that is how she got served.

She fell apart at work and had to go home.

I then started receiving the tearful phone calls asking if we could fix this.

I told her I was fixing this and proceeded with the divorce.

At our first mediation, she showed up with swollen eyes and mascara running down her face looking like Alice Cooper.

We had the mediator and attorneys leave the room so we could talk privately.

She claimed she never wanted a divorce and she still loved me and wanted her family back and realized the affair guy was not a good person and that it has been over.

I looked at her and said “If I had a million dollars on this table, I would bet every penny of it that if I looked at your phone right now you would still have your AP number, very recent phone calls with him, and very recent text messages that show you’re lying.”

She reached into her purse for her phone in a panic and started pressing buttons to delete while saying “Yeah, but it’s gone now!”

I laughed at how pathetic it all was.

THAT is just how far people like your WS and my XWW will take their lies and deceptions.

It’s a full blown addiction for them and there is nothing you can do for an addict but leave and let them bottom out until they maybe seek help for themselves.

How can I even trust him?

As long as he has a girlfriend, you cannot even begin to think about the possibility of taking the first of a million steps it would take for you to trust him again. I'm sure you know this in your heart of hearts.

I will also say--though I'm very sorry to tell you--that the likelihood of you ever trusting him again, no matter how much you love him, is very low. I'm much more concerned about potential for a rugsweeping effort here masquerading as "R". Careful!

He will end the A, will change things etc.

You've already gotten the perspective from others. I will add, though, that it's not just the fact that it only takes 10 seconds to end an A that is problematic here. What's really problematic is that every minute that passes where your WH *does not* end the A, no matter *what* he's saying to you, is a minute that he's planning or actively working to manipulate this situation. Putting contingency plans in place, lying to you (and likely to AP), getting a secret phone, etc...whatever wayward thing he's going to do to maintain his connection to this woman and take the affair deeper underground.

There can be no more waiting if you even want an atom's-worth of a chance here. Do not give him any more time. Proceed on your current path.

If suddenly things *really* appear to have changed, STAY THE COURSE and check back in here with all your new info before breaking the 180 again.

Good luck, and please update us when you can.

[This message edited by Okokok at 1:16 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Chiming in again to add a little more.

It's so common for us as BSs to completely lose ourselves in the paradigm that develops in our post-DDay (post-apocalyptic?) lives especially when we're still hanging out in some sort of limbo with an unremorseful/still-cheating WS. It's not our fault; we are manipulated and lied to and tricked into this false universe.

It can be very, very difficult to step back and recognize the absolute absurdity of the situation we're in. Little by little, we become like the proverbial frog in the boiling water; little things our WS do and say become normalized day after day until we forget that this stuff is not only abnormal when compared to the real world, but also very unhealthy and very damaging to us and very much not ok.

Six months is a long, long time to be watching and listening to an actively-wayward spouse while also hoping for some chance of saving/fixing things. After six months, you've undoubtedly been fed soooooo many lies, half-truths, and other types of manipulative language nuggets that no matter how hard you may be trying, you've unconsciously internalized a lot of what is happening to you day-to-day as your new "normal" or just the way things are in general.

At the very, very top of this list is that somehow--on *any* level--there is anything ok about your husband continuing contact with his girlfriend. Remember, that's what she is: a girlfriend.

That it "takes time" or he needs to be careful or that he's "confused"...these are all normalized in your current world, and it's important that you do everything in your power to wake up and recognize that you're not in the real world right now, but you're in a bizarro world of your husband's making.

None of what's happening with him, and to you, is even close to ok in the *real* world.

I can see that you're getting to a point where you're waking up to this reality. Please, whatever part of you is still trapped in this hell - pinch her awake now.

Just remember: this is not ok. None of it.

Not one more minute of waiting for him to stop having a girlfriend.

Thank you all. I know that I have to see real drastic changes on his end to postpone my D plans, empty words won’t do it.

Bigger, you are absolutely right. I leave the house temporarily just to relax. I have to come back as I cannot afford to stay away for too long and cannot stay with friends for too long. Family is in a different city. He left only once because I forced him, and a month after he came back saying he ended A. (False R and I knew it all along) And now, he refuses to leave. As you said, D is on the table and how he behaves will determine my actions.

The1stWife, your story is almost identical. During the A, did your husband act like he was out of this world or totally confused? My husband told me for months that he doesn’t know how to end it, and he still suspects that he might have a mental disorder. He looks eerily confused. I can tell he isn’t acting. But how come they figure out how to end the A, as soon as the wife tells them she will D? Have they been lying about not knowing how to end it? They may be believing in their own lies?

keptmyword, your story is incredible; how she tried to convince you deleting her messages the very last minute is unbelivable.

At our first mediation, she showed up with swollen eyes and mascara running down her face looking like Alice Cooper.

This part made me laugh, thank you!

Six months is a long, long time to be watching and listening to an actively-wayward spouse while also hoping for some chance of saving/fixing things. After six months, you've undoubtedly been fed soooooo many lies, half-truths, and other types of manipulative language nuggets that no matter how hard you may be trying, you've unconsciously internalized a lot of what is happening to you day-to-day as your new "normal" or just the way things are in general.

Okokok this and the rest of your last message is something I will read over and over again. Thank you. Even my therapist cannot help me to see the reality so clearly.

[This message edited by WhatisnowNew at 2:42 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:16 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

WhatIsNowNew.

In response to your question in dday2 I thought that my H was either the scum of the earth for continuing to lie and cheat during Reconciliation, he suddenly had an addiction problem (he never ever did drugs prior) or he was having a breakdown.

To add further drama I had to call the OW to get the truth b/c he was in his “I want a D - I don’t want a D” routine that day. The end of the night he swears he doesn’t want a D. By then I wanted a D.

I can tell you the changes were immediately apparent. I never told him a thing to do or set boundaries or led him down the path to get past this. It was up to him to get me to R and I refused to provide any support or guidance. He was on his own.

My thinking was he either figured it out on his own or he failed. It was not in me to help him. I was supportive of him for 6 months as he waffled back and forth (huge mistake but I didn’t find SI blog here until 4 years later after dday2) so I made mistakes.

Good news is it was I my 6 months of being a doormat. Once I stood up to him the dynamics changed immediately. The hard 180 was set in motion. Together with plan B.

Have a plan B ready just in case. I got my act together for 6 months and at dday2 I executed. He had to leave our home. He would go through a mediator to settle all issues and I had one lined up. We would figure out visitation but he needed a place where kids could stay overnight with him.

You get the drill. I had the financial issues wrapped up as well.

He never expected it.

It looks like you have a lot of advice here so nothing really to add but I am just feely very snarky after reading your post.

He kept repeating the same thing, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to lose you. He needed time to end this A etc etc, same things I have been hearing for months

So you can tell him what YOU need is a divorce in order to stabilize yourself after his bizarro-fest because it's not about what HE NEEDS anymore. That ship sailed slowly away these past six months and there is no catching it.

Notice he wasn't repeating details of his plan to change his ways and how what YOU NEED will come first now etc. because you are an amazing woman that he has abused etc.

Take care and stay your course.

WhatisnowNew,

I did what you are doing. I gave my WH six months to sort things out and end the affair. He was telling me he wanted to end the affair and he was telling her he wanted to end the marriage. I finally decided I would prefer to be alone than to be part of this triangle. He wasn't going to change things and the AP certainly wasn't going to change things. It was up to me to get myself out of the triangle. I filed for divorce and told him to go to her. This, after 41 years of marriage! It was so difficult and painful but I had to do it.

You have to choose to treat yourself with respect because he is choosing to disrespect you.