SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 11:48 AM

This is a long and embarrassing story that I should’ve seen coming so please bare with me.

Thought I had met the woman of my dreams, I’m 52 she’s 40, best of friends at work and in life. Been to get her 9 years. She was coming out of a bad marriage or so I thought. Said no one would want a single mom of 2 little kids. Told her I would. Then we were off on a whirlwind romance and relationship. Moved in together after 3 years, moved 3 years later to the house of our dreams.
She came out to me as bisexual and we dipped our toes into swinging, but I never got much out of it, only lasted a few months. Did meet one couple that we became very good platonic friends with.
She suffers from depression, anxiety and ADHD. She also has phases of manic episodes where she becomes obsessed with something, ie restoring old furniture, this usually lasts a few months then subsides when she crashes and gets depressed, but she is not diagnosed as bi polar.
She is and was the love of my life, we had a great pro so I thought relationship, envy of work colleagues and our social circle. Everyone loves her, very outgoing and life of the party.
Helped raise her 2 kids as if they were mine, her son I’m sure is ODD, his is violent, out of control and only fights we had were about him, I wanted to get him help, but she refused. I treated the kids as my own and never referred to them as step kids.

Fast forward to October 2019, She approached me about spicing things up, I assumed another female, but she felt for her own self image, since she had gained a little weight, a three way with another guy, so it could just be about her. I was very hesitant and did not feel comfortable doing it. She’s always been a person who bulldozes until she gets her way. I never denied her anything. She always got whatever she wanted, in fact spent like a drunken sailor, says it made her fill a void.
I finally agreed and she found a site and we chose a guy, she told me that our relationship was rock solid and this was all about us and spicing things up, we had an encounter but to me it was just mindless fun.
She became obsessed with doing it all the time and wanted to have him over every weekend.
I had a conference in Vegas and the Monday I returned had to be in Port Severn for another week on training. She kept wanting to set up a time with him. I kept saying no.
Finally in November after a fight where she said I was being old and selfish I agreed once more. It was one of the worst nights of my life, it was as if I didn’t matter to her, and our sex life had always been incredible.
We had a huge drunken fight that night and I accidentally pushed the bathroom door when she tried to close it, she said that was her breaking point.
A week later she tells me she not sure about us anymore and wants time. I suggest counselling and she agreed.
A few days before counseling snooped her phone while she was in the shower And to my horror I found graphic pictures and video of at least 2 encounters both while was away on training. Confronted her and she said it wasn’t cheating as I agreed we could spice things up. Counselling didn’t seem to work, made her delete his info bIt found a email from her to a new acct that had his info. She said it was just in case we didn’t work out.
Worst Christmas of my life, I was depressed, anxious and just lost. Lo and behold on Christmas Day right after dinner she took my hand and told me I was her best friend and love of her life and that we were going to work this out and be stronger. One more counselling session and we were back to our old selfs.
Things were going great, COVID seemed to strengthen us, I put it behind me and we were making plans to build a new deck, get a hot tub, second car and renew our mortgage.
Cards for Valentine’s Day go to a beautiful sweet card with sentimental message.
Birthdays in may, bought her a Apple Watch she got me a iPad , had a few friends and a big spread of ribs and margaritas for. Mine, all was good I was content once again, making plans for our future.
Second week of June she starts acting weird and became distant. A few months before she took a 11:30-7:30 shift to make sure someone was always with the kids so they spent the least amount of time alone.
I would see her everyday at work and she seemed so happy till June
She wouldn’t talk to me, retreated and stonewalled me. She was obsessed with her weight and would walk everywhere to keep in shape.
June 19 I walked to work about 5 Kim’s to meet her, no kids for the weekend and I thought we’d start it off with a walk which we used to do all the time before June ..told her we neede to talk and get things back on track, have a romantic night and enjoy the hot weather. She then told me that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. The relationship was toxic and she was done.I asked her if there was anyone else and she said no.
The next few weeks sucked we had holidays but all our plans were cancelled. I asked her numerous times to work it out, a afire nd approached her and said slow down but she kept saying it was over she had to move on. Asked multiple times that as her friend she owed it to me if there was some else.
July fourth I came home and she was on the deck with her back to me, I could see the number of the guy from October
Confronted her and she admitted he contacted her but that was it. After a argument she admitted she’d been meeting him before work, unprotected sex and a pandemic, mother of the year. Would not seek counselling and since she broke up with me even though we were in the same house it wasn’t cheating.
I caused her to do this, has totally rewritten our relationship to it now being toxic, I’m emotionally abusive, drink to much, mean to her kids (who I took care when she was at work and drove to their fathers every weekend).
Threatened to file a complaint at work about feeling unsafe, would call the cops at first derogatory comment etc if I didn’t sell.
Finally caved and agreed to sell. It sold in one day and now I’m crushed and devastated.
Embarrassed and ashamed of agreeing to a three way, it destroyed our marriage. What’s worse is we were such good friends and she has vilified me to her family and some friends. Now I have to see her every day and it breaks my heart.
I am doing better, taking care of myself, cut out alcohol, sugar and in the best shape since my 30’s. I have gone NC for a few weeks. We used a a good friend as sort of a mediator. But even she is fed up with her behaviour, she keeps trying to say it’s not what it looks like but our friend doesn’t want to hear it as it isn’t her story.

sisoon posted 8/3/2020 12:26 PM

Your WSO cheated on you. She definitely sucker punched you, and I understand the embarrassment and shame - but that's just your internal messaging. In fact, your WS has embarrassed and shamed herself. All you did was trust the wrong person.

You're telling yourself to be embarrassed and shamed. I urge you to change your messaging to something like, 'It's OK to feel sad, angry, and scared because she betrayed me.'

As you know, the cheating is on your W. She chose to breakup because of her own issues, not because of issues with you.

You also write some things that concern me - you may have taken a lot of abuse from her.

You repeatedly let her browbeat you into doing important things you didn't want to do.

You mention her depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Is she being treated for any of them? Is the treatment effective? Someone who suffers from any one of those dysfunctions is very difficult to live with unless they're being treated effectively. It sounds like you accepted her and adapted.

Your post seems to say you stifled yourself, and yet you call her the woman of your dreams. That doesn't compute for me.

Or are you saying you lived an illusion, and you're just waking up?

Brother, If that's your message, that's great!

I am really sorry your life is filled with pain now. That's an unavoidable part of getting real. For now, just have faith in yourself to heal.

Your WSO effed up. You didn't. Your healing requires feeling anger, grief, fear, and even shame, because feeling it lets it go. A good IC can help.

But remember: losing your illusions and your WSO are big losses, but you can survive and thrive.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 12:26 PM

You should never feel upset or shame for doing something that seemed ok at the time. You believed you had a good marriage and this was just something additional to slice it up.

Looking back you can see your wife was going to cheat whether you had the threesome or not. It’s nit the threesome that caused the affair.

It’s your wife who caused it. She chose to cheat.

When you said NO to the 3some she disregarded you. She bulldozed you. She didn’t respect you.

ADHD and her other issues are tough to deal with. But none of those those caused her to cheat. She’s just a selfish bully based in your assessment of the situation.

Please stop blaming yourself. And please stop allowing her to re-write your marriage in a pitiful attempt to justify the cheating.

You will survive this. We all do. I just think you need to get some professional counseling while you go through the D stage. It can save your sanity.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 12:52 PM

I think I chose to overlook the bad times for the good. She always got her way, I just rolled with it.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 12:56 PM

Update of sorts. A work colleague who is also a friend and is gay, just called me. He sat on if for a week but decided to tell me. He saw her going into a quality inn with a guy. He recognized him form a gay/bi hook up site. He’s has sex with him before. Said he’s married and seemed kinda shady, want to have unprotected sex but friend said no way. Sent me his profile from a site. I wonder if she knows or cares.
I’m just grateful to have her craziness out of my life.

Everything she said about her ex husband she’s saying about me, none of it true, wonder If is should reach out to him for a little chat

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 12:59 PM

Sorry for another post.
I found out where he lives, was thinking of telling his W, but worried she will say it’s harassment and doesn’t feel safe at work, because it’s a woman’s world she could make my life hell.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/3/2020 13:09 PM

Sounds like your WW always got her way. You caved to her wishes, desires from spending to swinging.

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? I think in your case, its worth a read. You need to reassess yourself, and maybe your own why's. We always say the cheaters need to get help and reassess with IC help. I think in your case, it may also be helpful to see why you may have allowed this all these years. Are you a push over, boundary get pushed and you cave. Whether or not, you get back with this women, which I'll get to in a second, it would be helpful to you going forward.

Now, agreed with others. As men, we often look at this and think how embarrassing it is, and the ego hit. It is emasculating, that another man came in an took your wife for a ride. You'll soon learn, that those feelings are legit, but its your WW that should be ashamed and embarrassed. You are a standup Man. You took care of her kids, gave her a home and a nice life. WTF else could she have asked for? You're going to get a lot of suggestions on here, but since your WW is going nuclear, I'd suggest a VAR on your body. She may be already manipulating the kids to say you were mean. Make sure you protect yourself.

You say you dropped the kids off at the exHusband place every weekend. Have you ever spoken to that man and asked him about their fallout? He might have some answers for you. Shit, she may have even cheated with him on you. Don't put that passed this women. She's been planning this with that guy for a while. You spent some time begging her to stay, that didn't work. Stick to NC, and keep moving forward. Why would you even want her back. She's clearly not well.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/3/2020 13:12 PM

Blindsided, don't bother going after her at work. You can send an anonymous letter to that guys Wife if you want, but just get yourself out of this situation.

As far as letting people know, just keep it to close family and friends. Thats all that matters. Keep yourself moving forward. Give her this life she wants. She may never wake up, but that doesn't mean you should suffer until she does.

Bor9455 posted 8/3/2020 13:12 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:18 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Okokok posted 8/3/2020 13:22 PM

Sorry guy, this is a really rough story. Sounds like she's definitely following the standard script (rewriting history, vilifying you, etc.), but with special extras just for you.

I am doing better, taking care of myself, cut out alcohol, sugar and in the best shape since my 30’s. I have gone NC for a few weeks.

This is all so important. So good for you.

Are you still cohabitating? In-house separated? I may have missed it in your post.

And what's the plan moving forward (if there is one)?

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 13:32 PM

I’m at the house to do laundry, but house sitting for friends. The house is sold, she wanted it sold right away so she could have closure, used friends to say I was bullying her by not selling. I was in shock and kept asking for some time to get mentally healthy. Last spoken words I had with her she said I told you the truth me I Needed to get over it.
It’s like aliens kidnapped her and replaced her with another person.
I’m sure her mom, who is a convicted embezzler and a controlling whack job is putting all sorts of things in her head.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 15:27 PM

You might want to find out if she did this to her prior H.

Sounds like she gets what she wants by being a bully and she expects it from everyone. And many give in to her.

I would suggest she’s an experienced cheater and had a well executed plan. She demanded the house be sold - and everyone catered to her and it was done.

She’s a train wreck.

Get an attorney for yourself to protect you.

And I agree with reading some of the books that were suggested. They will help you tremendously.

KingofNothing posted 8/3/2020 15:30 PM

Said he’s married and seemed kinda shady, want to have unprotected sex but friend said no way. Sent me his profile from a site. I wonder if she knows or cares. I’m just grateful to have her craziness out of my life.

Wow. Detach, detach, detach. Listen, she isn't just cheating on you, she has actively and continuously chosen a path to hurt you in the most significant and lasting way possible. If you needed a clearer sign how far she has sunk, I don't know what it might be. For someone to choose this path, KNOWING it is so destructive, knowing it will crush everyone in your life, including her own children-- that's simply what I define as choosing evil for the most abjectly selfish reasons possible.

My friend, I will say this gently, she may just not be redeemable. She appears to have created a narrative of victimhood (because of course, SHE isn't the bad guy, how could she be?). Of course, this is at your expense. Cheaters lie, they blameshift, they minimize. Your wife.. I'm sorry, but she's nothing special. This is straight out of the playbook. You can't control what she says about you, or what she does next. She's already abused and browbeat you into taking a financial hit. That's in the past. The ONLY thing you CAN control right now is what YOU do. I'm sure this marriage is on the D train from what you have said. That's soon going to be more of a "her" problem than a "your" problem.

You are entirely correct to go NC with this woman. Even knowing her now is a risk-- she's antagonistic, adversarial and sees you as her enemy. It doesn't matter that this is unjust. It doesn't matter that it seems batshit crazy. It just.. is this way. SO ... seek out a lawyer, find a good one, and protect yourself. If you did ANYthing wrong here, it was in not protecting your finances sufficiently until now. That has to stop. YOU have a future, too. YOU deserve happiness. DON'T let her rape your future like she destroyed your marriage. This was on her.

For God's sake, NEVER HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN, not even raw, hysterical bonding sex. She's clearly running with a crowd that could get you very sick, very fast. If she's not concerned about her own health, she's sure as hell not concerned about yours. I know, I know, everyone is going to say this, but here it is again: GO GET AN STD/STI check. Full spectrum. Repeat in 3 months. Some STDs take a while to show symptoms.

Don't blame yourself at ALL for how things got here. Today, right this minute, give yourself new marching orders in life. 1) Don't take her bullshit as reality.. it's just selfish blameshifting and minimizing. 2) Don't take her excuses as being remotely truthful. 3) Don't let her rewrite the narrative of your marriage. It wasn't that way. Don't make adultery easy for her. She chose this. It is 100% HER FAULT.

I'm glad to see you are reaching out, and I wish you strength and healing. Get yourself some heavy duty trauma counseling, pronto. I sense her abuse was more than just financial and emotional. What does your attorney say?

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 15:34 PM

I went away to visit family and went NC, she’s been wondering where I’ve been and insisted I watch the dogs since she was going away for the night. She is keeping the dogs so I said it’s her responsibility. That just created another shit storm of threats and accusing me of trying to control her.

tushnurse posted 8/3/2020 15:43 PM

Get an attorney, and separate your life from hers as much as possible asap.
You are dealing w/ a level of crazy/manipulation/bullying/fucked-upness that you are just begninning to understand.

Only text/email to communicate and only communicate about $$. Everything else is off the table. Do not respond to anything else, or tell her that since she fired you from your job as husband she needs to find someone else to deal w/ whatever issue she is having at that time.

You will find sanity a whole lot sooner if you can stick to that.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 15:54 PM

tell her that since she fired you from your job as husband she needs to find someone else to deal w/ whatever issue she is having at that time.

I like that.

She told me back when I caught her the first time, that she was obsessed with him, that he made her feel good about herself, she was physically right up his alley, that it was such a rush.

I hope she gets herpes/COVID/gonorrhea/her ass gets bigger and her boobs fall off. I hope that doesn’t make sound petty.....

ChamomileTea posted 8/3/2020 17:58 PM

I’m sure her mom, who is a convicted embezzler and a controlling whack job is putting all sorts of things in her head.

The apple didn't fall too far from the tree it would seem. And frankly, I don't think she needs her mom to be putting thing into her head. It sounds to me like she's a controlling whack job all on her own.

I tell you what I would do... I'd start looking for other work and move across town or across the country or wherever I could be relatively assured that I wouldn't bump into the ex. Then, I'd cut her out of my life, and with the exception of "fixing my picker", I'd forget those years ever happened. I think your STBX probably used you for your assistance in raising her kids and providing a stable environment, and now she's showing her true colors... which is quite likely an out of control bipolar. I feel sorry for her kids, but there's nothing you can do other than warn their father.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 18:04 PM

I would like to reach out to him and have a talk, but not sure if that would just open up another shit storm

Buffer posted 8/3/2020 19:27 PM

Sorry to read, but the whole marriage is all about her.
Brother, you can't live life with 'what if, or Buts'. Who cares about the OM, his life or his wife? She has the right to know that her marriage is a lie, she has been put at risk for years.
She has been the driving force with everything to wrap up your marriage. Take charge from now!
1, NC. Grey Rock, 180.
2, STD checks.
3, Legal advice from at least three lawyers, pick the one you feel will be the best fit for you.
4, Inform OMW now, you don't need her permission.
5, Close off all joint accounts, take half only redirect your pay to your account, close off all credit cards.
You need to care for yourself, you are eating well, no alcohol. Drink water, be that Greek God or Captain America that she pushed away. Her lifer her choice, stop letting her re write the marriage to justify her actions.
One day at a time
Buffer

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 19:38 PM

Thanks brother. I have talked to a lawyer. I’m pretty solid, we make the same amount and she gets child support from the father. So I don’t have to pay anything and she can’t come after me for spousal. I’m switching the accounts tomorrow