SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Blindsided35 posted 7/31/2020 09:02 AM

On November 19 2019 I discovered a secret message from my husband to the woman we hired over 2 years prior to help with the care of our 28 year old severely disabled daughter. We treated her like family and she called us her brother and sister. Little did I know she was stabbing me in the back. She had encouraged my husband to secret message. Every night as we lay in bed watching tv he would mute his phone and have it on his chest so he would be aware when she messaged. He would get up very early in the morning after her husband left for work and they would have their private time to talk or message then he would come back to bed! They were meeting up before she would come to work. She would show up early to work if I had an appointment so they could have alone time. He had left as soon as I got up on November 19th supposedly to go walk. Something seemed strange that morning so when I started to go shower I checked his iPad. He always deleted the history because I had found other inappropriate things on there in the past. When I opened the iPad for some strange reason his secret message to her that he had sent from the driveway as he left at least 30 minutes earlier showed up. Must have been divine intervention. It said hey on my way. When I could finally breathe I called him and told him to come home. He asked why and I just said you need to come home. He said he wouldn’t unless I told him why. He knew I had discovered something. He finally came home and I immediately asked him if he was with OW. He said she wanted to show him what she got me for Christmas. What a joke! He finally admitted they secret messaged but he said it was a little flirting. She said her husband checked her phone and she didn’t want him to find out. It took me 6 weeks to finally get the whole story. Well at least what he will come clean with. I made my husband call her on D day and fire her. I could hear her screaming when he told her. 2 days later her husband contacted me and wanted to meet. He said there was a lot I didn’t know. I met with him and he said she had been afraid to come to work for a long time and he was about to make her quit. He said my husband had been pursuing her for a long time. Unfortunately I didn’t know the truth. My husband had texted him beforehand and said he had told me everything so he didn’t know what he had to say but of course that was a lie. I regret not letting her come to work that day and confronting both of them together. At first he said he loved her when I asked him now he says he didn’t know what love was. They had talked about taking a cruise together and traveling. He said she told him her husband would never give her a divorce. So that’s why he wouldn’t leave me. He didn’t want to be alone but he wasn’t sure he would ever be with her. I don’t know where to go from here. If I didn’t have my daughter I would have left months ago. It’s very difficult to care for a disabled adult alone. We have been to a few therapists but it hasn’t really helped me. There are triggers everywhere in our home because she was here almost every day. They would even kiss right here when I was at home and in another room. My husband would follow her out when she would leave in the evening and they would kiss in the garage. Lots of things happened in our home that make me sick! I just turned 61 and I can’t believe this is where my life is at. Hard to start over at this age but not sure I want to be miserable the rest of my life!

[This message edited by Blindsided35 at 9:56 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

squid posted 7/31/2020 09:19 AM

Better to be alone and independent than still married to scumbag cheater.

Very sorry you've found us.

Have you seen an attorney? If not, do so IMMEDIATELY.

You can be sure you don't know everything. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove.

It's good you have a the OBS to corroborate their stories.

You should edit out the OW's name from your first post to preserve your anonymity. If you decide to R and your WH finds this site, he might use this thread to his advantage as a way to manipulate you. It has happened before.

Keep posting as often as you need. The weekends tend to be a bit slow. But we are here. You are not alone in this.

thatbpguy posted 7/31/2020 09:24 AM

At first he said he loved her when I asked him now he says he didn’t know what love was. They had talked about taking a cruise together and traveling. He said she told him her husband would never give her a divorce. So that’s why he wouldn’t leave me.

One thing is for sure. He doesn't seem to love you anymore.

My suggestion would be to first retain a divorce specialist attorney and file for divorce. You don't have to go thru with it, but it puts you one step ahead and he realizes the seriousness of the situation.

Second, expose them widely. Family, friends, FB... Peer pressure is a good thing as it can help to wake him up.

Then I suggest working out a separation wherein you both take turns caring for your daughter. You need 60-90 days to run thru emotions, clear your head a bit and see where your marriage needs to go- or end.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/31/2020 11:18 AM

I second PB Guy's advice re: filing for divorce. You don't have to go through with it - I just posted a thread in the separation/divorce forum about why you should consider hiring or at least talking to counsel (even if you are unsure about how you want to proceed) so you know the pitfalls of waiting. It's by no means legal advice or a push to divorce - just informational about what can happen (and quickly) when you wait so you have some things to consider. It occurred to me that a lot of people don't understand how a separation agreement or filing for divorce (even if you ultimately decide to withdraw/dismiss it) can protect them financially - and most of us don't care in the beginning, which is precisely when we should.

I'm sorry you are here. My WH was involved in a double betrayal (he had an A with the wife of one of his now former best friends - and all three of them, my WH, the AP and the OBS work together) so it was very ugly and very very hurtful for the OBS (I was not friends with the AP at all - I only met her once so I did not have the "double betrayal" that you speak of - but the OBS did for sure).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:19 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

susielee posted 7/31/2020 12:16 PM

All good advice here.

Also, I don't think I would take her husbands statements as truth either. I doubt she was scared to come to work. She/they may be working up a harassment case.

Either way, I hope you get a legal separation of your life and assets as soon as possible. Just having that under control can help you think clearer.

Buster123 posted 7/31/2020 13:34 PM

He said she told him her husband would never give her a divorce. So that’s why he wouldn’t leave me. He didn’t want to be alone but he wasn’t sure he would ever be with her.

So basically he told you all she would have to do is dump OBS and snap her fingers and your WH would leave you to be with her in a heartbeat, this make you his plan B, don't eve anyone's plan B and take that choice from him, push him over the fence and file for D, get a pitbull D attorney and go for the jugular, life's short and you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar who's just waiting for the right moment and/or the next willing AP to leave, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes besides the huge betrayal, he's been playing russian roulette with your health as well.

File for D and EXPOSE him with ALL family and close friends without warning.

The1stWife posted 7/31/2020 16:14 PM

If she was afraid to come to work she would have done something about it. So that’s a lie.

Your H Knew exactly what he was doing. So he lying too.

And the fact you found inappropriate things on his electronics in the past doesn’t help his case either.

I’m sorry for you. Counseling for you is needed right now.

Blindsided35 posted 8/1/2020 13:11 PM

Thanks for all your responses. I am taking every option into consideration. I have to admit I achieve some measure of satisfaction with my H having to stay and deal with the hell he has created. He has always been a control freak from money to when he will “babysit”. Before D day he was consumed with his wants and needs. He hiked, walked, went to the gym and mountain biked which gave him the perfect opportunity to cheat. While he complained that he didn’t get the attention or affection he needed I was busy taking care of our daughter! He had no idea how to care for her or even the medications she needed. Things have really changed since D day. His wants and needs are no longer my concern. I told him he better learn how to care for her because he may have to do it on his own some day.

He has also tried to make me promise I will not do the same thing to him that he did to me. I got a big laugh out of that! He thinks I am looking at dating websites and has even disabled my iPad in the past. Guilt is a funny thing.