SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

jeanninep4 posted 7/25/2020 08:58 AM

So on July 2nd I found out my husband of 28.5 years has been cheating on-line with 100’s of women spending > $20,000 over 3 months. He’s now confessed to also calling 900 numbers while I was doing infertility treatments 25 yrs ago.
He claims now he’s a sex addict. I kicked him out on July 2nd and don’t want him back. Has anyone gone through this?

ShutterHappy posted 7/25/2020 09:03 AM

jeanninep4,

Sorry you find yourself here. You can find a forum section called “I can relate...”, where there’s a thread for sex addict.

Also, Others will reply to your post soon

Notmine posted 7/25/2020 10:36 AM

Hi, Jeanninep4 - I am sorry that you found it necessary to find this site, but it is a safe place filled with people who want to help you. I understand much of what you are going through. My FWH is a diagnosed sex addict. It is good that you stood up for yourself and separated. It is important for you to detach yourself from the chaos and misery of living in infidelity so that you can make clear decisions and keep yourself as emotionally protected as possible during this time.

The opinions on this site about sex addiction vary, but there is decent research to verify that this addiction exists. Although the DSMV has declined to recognize sex as an addiction, the World Health Organization has recognized it based on a lot of solid research. Unfortunately, many cheaters use the addiction excuse in order to try to avoid facing the consequences of their behavior. This is why it is imperative to get a diagnosis by a qualified CSAT.

It certainly sounds like your husband has compulsive sexual behaviors. Addictions to sex. like other addictions, progress. An addiction to online porn progresses to affairs progresses to the use of prostitutes and other illegal activities, etc. My FWH had 19 years sober from drugs/alcohol when his addiction to pornography progressed into an affair. He was caught before it progressed further, although he tells me that he was looking around for another AP at the time.

ALL cheaters are liars and they are all manipulators who prey on the weakness of others to further their own agendas. Their words are meaningless. Their ACTIONS will tell you if they are remorseful and willing to become better and safer partners. These ACTIONS need to be consistent and for the long term. ALL cheaters require IC to learn why they cheated and the tools necessary to avoid cheating in the future. For cheaters who are addicts, this also means a lifetime commitment to sobriety: 12-step meetings (several per week at first), work with a sponsor, learning to avoid the triggers of the disease (for a sex addict, this can mean no social media sites, no engagement with any form of porn, including pictures of the preferred gender in sexualized photos in regular magazines, no masturbation, etc). The triggers vary by person.

The mindset of an addict is all about increasing stimulation: more or harder drugs, higher stakes for a gambler. For a sex addict, this means harder core porn or higher risk sexual behavior. There is also a form of porn induced ED, where the addict cannot perform sexually with a normal partner as the stimulation is less intense. It took my husband 6 months before he could successfully have sex with me. There is also sexual objectification to contend with, where the addict does not see the preferred gender as people. This causes major problems with boundaries with others and within the relationship.

I know this is a lot of information, but if you are considering reconciliation with your husband you need to be aware of what you are looking at. If your husband is an addict, he must be willing to obtain help HIMSELF and commit to this help for the rest of his life. Addicts who discontinue adherence to 12-step recovery and IC with a CSAT will almost certainly relapse. Relapse from any addiction is common (especially at first). This is what happened to my husband. He stopped going to meetings and although he was stayed sober from drugs/alcohol, sex addiction took the place of the chemicals.

My husband attends 12-step meetings (2 per week), works with his sponsor, attends IC twice per month with a CSAT, takes suggestions, avoids triggers, practices rigorous and unrelenting honesty and shows he is remorseful every day - almost 5 years after D-Day. I am lucky that there has not been a relapse, but I know who I am married to and act accordingly. It is not easy to live with an addict.

I know that this is overwhelming. You need to do what is right for you. If this is a dealbreaker, it is ok. Your husband must be at a place where he is willing to admit he is powerless over his behavior and that his life has become unmanageable. This is the first of the 12 steps. If he is not ready to admit this, to do anything that it takes to become sober, AND to commit to this way of life for the long term, then you are in for more chaos and misery. If you want to try to continue a marriage with him, you will need to set some strong boundaries and will need to enforce them. No exceptions.

If I were in your shoes, and I was willing to try to remain married, I would separate and watch for the actions which will tel you that your husband is invested in becoming a better human. This would be up to him, not to you. If you want more information about sex addiction, there is a book called Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is an expert on sex addiction. He also has some free interviews on Youtube. I would also attend some S-anon or Al-anon meetings. The people at these meetings are strong advocates and will teach you about being in a relationship with an addict.

Whether you are willing to remain in a marriage to this man or not, make sure that you get your name off of any accounts or credit cards you share with him. Make sure you take 1/2 of any money that you have in accounts and freeze any retirement accounts that he can borrow against. If he continues on his path of self-destruction, you will need to protect yourself. Also make sure you get full STD testing. Part of the stimulation for cheaters is to have unprotected sex.

jeanninep4 posted 7/25/2020 10:53 AM

Thanks for the reply. Before I confronted him I moved all my money into new accounts. I had just finally won my VA disability fight and had gotten a good payment which was used to fix the house but he used it for himself. He had gotten lsyy it d off and pissed away all if it. We don’t have joint credit cards thank god though I have no idea what other crap he has.
Honestly I don’t want him back. I’ve only said that here and to my best friend. My sons say I shouldn’t take him back. They love him but don’t want me hurt again. He’s treated me pretty shitty for a while band when we were in Vegas in January my BFF and her hubby pointed it out. He would count my drinks and hate I can just have fun. He’s very overweight >325 lbs and never did I count his food or say anything. The fact he said “I didn’t cheat it was online” just made it worse. His whole family are pathological liars. His brother is a drug addict and his dad stole money to hide being gay. Nothing is ever their fault. After 30 yrs I’m just done. I’m far from perfect but I don’t deserve this.

heartbroken_kk posted 7/25/2020 12:17 PM

Hi Jeanninep4, I'm sorry you are here.

Many people know right away that cheating of any kind is a deal killer, it's not a forgivable offence, and they are going to D (Divorce) over it. That is your right, you know yourself, you can make this decision and not look back.

There are a lot of people here who have tried to work through the infidelity and reconcile with their cheating spouse. Also there are plenty who made the decision you did. You'll get advice from both. There is a saying here: take what you need, and leave the rest. You'll get advice that is relevant or not relevant, and you'll get advice that hurts or feels wrong even when it's good advice and relevant. So read carefully, and reply when you can.

First, know you did nothing to cause this, and you don't deserve to be betrayed or have your money stolen and frittered away by your WS (Wayward Spouse).

It's not your responsibility to fix him. And the only way to repair your M (marriage) is for HIM to take the steps needed to fix himself. You don't have to wait around for this miracle to occur. Few men with SA become safe partners again, you don't have to stay married to someone like this and you can walk away with a clear conscience.

We are here to help you get out of infidelity. It sounds like you've taken some good first steps to protect your finances, albeit it's a bit late now for your disability settlement. You may find that you can use this period of time when his shame level is high to get him to agree to certain terms, such as that he will pay back the entire amount of money you know he squandered. I encourage you to see a lawyer, or better yet, the 3 best divorce lawyers in your area, ASAP. There are three reasons for this. First, to get some background information about what a divorce settlement is likely to look like for you, and second, to prevent him from hiring any of those 3 lawyers (once you've consulted with them, they cannot also consult with him). Third, it is a good way to select a lawyer by meeting with at least three and using those meetings to decide if you want one of them to represent you through the D process.

How are you feeling, are you eating? Are you exercising? Are you drinking alcohol? (if so, we recommend stopping or limiting yourself to no more than 1 drink per day and a max of 3 days per week). You will want to keep your wits about you and to be careful what you say and do. Alcohol can rob you of your good senses and make you do things you'll regret. Have you considered getting a therapist to help you cope? We often recommend individual counselling to help you through the grief and despair, and to cope with your emotions during a very stressful period of your life, so you come out the other side healthy and with a positive attitude about your future.

Make sure you spend some time here reading through the Healing Library here (upper left corner of the page). There's a lot of good advice summarized there.

Notmine posted 7/25/2020 12:21 PM

You are making the right choice, IMHO. Good luck to you.

Lalagirl posted 7/25/2020 14:36 PM

Welcome, Jeannine.

Everyone has given you wonderful advice thus far and I echo it. I am glad that you are being decisive with regard to divorcing this very broken man. It would take years of therapy and even then, it's not a guarantee. You deserve better.

Given the level of his depravity, there is a chance that he has had sex with others; please make an appointment with your doctor and get tested for STDs - full panel - pelvic and bloodwork.

Please also consider seeing an IC (individual counselor) to help you cope with this - you have experienced a horrible trauma.

Keep posting here - we will help you as you get out of infidelity and begin your new journey.

Hugs & strength,

Lala

annb posted 7/25/2020 15:56 PM

Hi, welcome to the best club no one wants to join.

I am so sorry your husband did this to you, but I think you made the right decision to move on with your life without him.

Please meet with your MD and have her run STD testing. Also, if you need medications to cope temporarily, I think most of us here have taken them, at least to help you sleep.

I'd also contact an attorney or two for some advice on moving forward. Knowledge is power, you need to be one step ahead of your husband to keep your sanity in case he has another trick up his sleeves.

One day at a time, we all understand the horror of finding out the person who was supposed to have our backs stabbed it repeatedly. Individual counseling will help you process this trauma.

Post as often as you need to.

Sending a virtual hug....

Anna123 posted 7/25/2020 17:38 PM

Good job separating your funds! You are decisive, that is in your favor.The money part with him spending $20,000 over three months is him stealing as far as I am concerned. How dare he do that as well.

I am no expert but 'sex' addicts aren't special IMHO. Most men really like sex alot, and learn to balance that in life. He is a pervert. That sounds mean but that is what his actions have shown. You will be happier AND SO MUCH SAFER going forward without him. SO sorry this has happened.

jeanninep4 posted 7/25/2020 20:00 PM

Thanks everyone. Today has been a crappy day. It’s just hard. I feel stupid for not realizing what was going on. I should have put it all together but I didn’t and I’m angry at myself h fb or not seeing it.

ChamomileTea posted 7/25/2020 20:09 PM

We don’t have joint credit cards thank god though I have no idea what other crap he has.

Make sure you put a freeze on your credit. He knows enough about you to open up new cards in your name.

The1stWife posted 7/25/2020 20:17 PM

We all feel stupid for not realizing our Spouses were cheating on us sooner. However we love and trust them as any spouse would.

They should feel ashamed and embarrassed after what they did to us.

Anna123 posted 7/25/2020 20:28 PM

It’s just hard. I feel stupid for not realizing what was going on. I should have put it all together but I didn’t and I’m angry at myself h fb or not seeing it

Oh yes, join the club. You were trusting, not stupid. You trusted your husband, like what we are supposed to be able to do. No reason to be angry at yourself for missing this stuff in the past. He hid it. Now that you know enough of the truth to be clear, you can make the appropriate choices for your situation.

Take care of yourself and drink lots of water, eat, keep yourself as healthy as you can because this sucks and it is draining, but it has an end, however you choose to move forward.

aussiemel posted 7/25/2020 21:39 PM

I should have put it all together but I didn’t

Red flags are very easy to see in hindsight Jeannine. I missed a lot of them too, but looking back I wonder how I could be so stupid.

I admire your strength, I tried so hard to leave my WH when he was first diagnosed as a SA but I believed that it was my responsibility to try to make the relationship work. AAHHH....

Now I am finally getting myself together to leave, formulating an exit plan and I know I can do it. I would have gone last month when I caught him cheating again but we are in the middle of a covid lockdown, so I have to wait, probably until early next year. Meantime, I'm stashing money. I believe it's my right to take whatever I can from him, afterall he spent more than $50,000 on prostitutes that I know of

Word of warning, if you post in the I Can Relate thread, sometimes it takes a while to get an answer. You are better off keeping this thread going for a while.
Hugs to you, Mel :)

Countingsheep65 posted 7/25/2020 23:37 PM

jeanninep4

I was clueless too. You know why we’re clueless?

Because we don’t think the way they do.

We don’t think to do to them what they have done to us.

You are far from being stupid. They are pathetic pieces of shit for what they do to us.

I hope you can prove he used all that money and go after him for it.

I too am having one of those days.

I saw this the other day, really did something to me, read and re- read it.

I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.