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Emotional infidelity - just friends!?

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Throwaway999 posted 7/17/2020 04:39 AM

Like so very many people here, my WH’s affair started with “she is just a friend”. When I put a stop to it, they just went underground. This went on for about 5 years. And yes, there was sex. Even in MC, which I do not recommend at all right now, he still had the nerve to call it a friendship. She needs IC right now. There is something wrong with her boundaries and her need for external validation.

Protect yourself and start to detach. Read about the 180 in the Healing Library. It’s for you, not to punish her.

Good luck

Rockeater posted 7/18/2020 09:12 AM

Any two friends who are alone together regularly and voluntarily, and who communicate secretly, are having an affair imo. Their physical relationship status is almost beside the point.

susielee posted 7/18/2020 12:02 PM

My ex husband told me many years ago, when I went to work for DoD that having lunch with co workers and talking to them too much was unacceptable, he tended to be controlling, but given I basically agreed with him, (seemed common sense to me) it really was not an issue.

Fast forward three years, we were legally separated, on the way to divorce because he had been having an affair for the past several years with his employee. We divorced, he spent a while trying to untangle his work situation to avoid getting fired or lawsuits.

Very painful for me, I thought I would never recover. I did, and went on to meet my now husband. As bad as it was, I was so fortunate to get out of that mess.

So short answer personal relationships between co workers of the opposite sex in general a bomb waiting to be detonated.

I went on to work for 25 more years at DoD, never once went on any non business lunches or events with male coworkers. I didn't do it to my first husband and I didn't do it to my second.

And yes I was/am reasonably attractive, and was asked on occasion. But, generally when men get a no answers, they quit trying. Proper comportment also sends out the not available vibe, so that helps too; whether male or female.

(we had been married 21 years at the time of our divorce)

[This message edited by susielee at 12:04 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 12:55 PM


I agree with your message, Thumos, but this is incorrect. The gut has aprox 0.5% of the neurons in the brain.

Stand corrected! This is one of this aphorisms that get passed around and I should have checked. I’m any case, a bunch of neurons - maybe more like a cat brain down there.😂

mae19681995 posted 7/19/2020 09:56 AM

I totally agree with those that mention to be very careful of relationships with the opposite sex in a marriage. Opposite sex relationship in marriage are very tricky. Open communication about what each of you is seeing is really critical. Be sure to be open about conversations with the opposite sex especially if they get to be uncomfortable.
Total honest and transparency are crucial in a marriage.

redwing6 posted 7/19/2020 13:53 PM

Buy a VAR and place it in her car. ALso buy a tracker and do the same. Make sure you turn off the notifications on the VAR (some make a beeping noice when they are activated).

Get a lawyer and learn what your rights are. You don't have to file, but it's good to know what your options are vis a vis your marriage. ALso, contact FIVE of the best divorce lawyers in your area, speak to them ALL (that way she can't use them on her behalf).

Trust your gut. SOmething is going on. If you "feel it"...it simply may be due to the fact that if you're in a long term sexual relationship with someone, BOTH of your hormones...build a "balance". If something upsets that balance (sex outside of your relationship) that balance goes away. There have been several recent studies that show this. This too is where a "gut feeling" comes in. You feel something is out of balance...because it is. Don't be surprised that this is far more than an EA.

Start a hard 180,
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp
that's not to punish her, it's for you to gain balance inside your own head. Make sure you document everything.

If you really want proof something untoward is happening, ask to see her phone. If she refuses, that's pretty much an admission that she's outside the bounds of your marriage. If you have to, get a hold of her phone, and use FonLab on it to recover last messages/texts/emails. There's a "tactical primer" as the 1st pinned post here in Just Found Out...read that carefully for ideas on who to do your detective work.

operationgtfo posted 7/19/2020 14:12 PM

I can relate to this somewhat as some of the messages I found on my husband's phone he claimed were "just friends" and maybe some of them were, but here is my issue:

-If we are married/engaged/dating and I have never heard you talk about this friend before it is a red flag.
-If you won't take calls/answer texts to this person in front of me, red flag.
-If the person doesn't know your relationship status, red flag.
-If you are discussing me with this person, but I have no idea who they are, red flag.
-If you plan meetups, whether innocent or not without me knowing, red flag.

I think it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, but I also think you have to set appropriate boundaries.

It sounds like your spidey sense was telling you these were inappropriate relationships and that is totally valid. I wish you the best and remember to follow your gut!

isles posted 7/20/2020 08:08 AM

Sorry you find yourself here bluesky1. Your story is very much like mine almost identical.

My wife I knew my gut was telling me she was up to no good. I found out about a tone of calls she made to another married man I had the just friends bullshit

Make sure you tell the APs partner if they have one, expose her and the AP as soon as you can.

The advice above is vital!

Don’t make the mistakes I did, my wife went underground with her affair with no regard for my children or his family. Another 6 months went by where she gas lit and lied, she could lie her way out of a carrier bag it became embarrassing!

Cheaters lie! They all act the same as many stories you read on here.

Lay it on the line how this is going to play out take control protect yourself. My wife did everything to try and destroy me and our family and I never let her do it!

She will wake up!

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