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Drowning in pain

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FlowerPower posted 8/10/2020 19:46 PM

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. You're doing great. Stay the course and now just let him figure it out.

Notmine posted 8/11/2020 09:24 AM

"Just to inform you I have plans Thursday, so please amend your work schedule to fit around your children"

Good for you. You are teaching him how he needs to treat you. HE needs to figure this out. HE chose to abandon his family. Too bad, so sad. Stand your ground or he will continue to take advantage.

Needtosurvive posted 8/11/2020 09:53 AM

I’m trying to stand my ground but this pain is killing me. I never thought of myself as a week person. I don’t know how much longer I can do this

Notmine posted 8/11/2020 12:08 PM

You can do this. It will take time, but it will get better. It will help if you find your anger. You are taking your power back and setting boundaries. This is a healthy sign. You will become stronger as a result of this. You already have.

I just posted these strategies, but they worked for me.

*Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Practice breathing exercises to help you get through intense emotions.
*Engage in some Mindful meditation to help you be ok with living in uncertainty and to help you manage the emotional roller coaster.
*Be kind to yourself.
*Schedule meals, water breaks and exercise so that you do not forget to take care of yourself.
*Look for an online support group that you do not need to pay for.
*Detach from him - no contact, etc. This will also help you with the emotional roller coaster.
*Write a gratitude list daily to remind you that there are positives in your life.

You can do this. We are here.

The1stWife posted 8/11/2020 13:11 PM

Doormat here. Giving you my support and advice.

Do. Not. Cave.

Cave once - they take advantage.

I was a doormat in my marriage. I gave in b/c it just wasn’t worth a fight. I rarely forced my choices down his throat. It was my choice. He didn’t manipulate me to be this way. I want to be clear on that.

But he grew to expect it.

After dday1 and before Dday2 I stood my ground. Suddenly he doesn’t like it and tried to manipulate me to back down.

I refused. I stood up to him for 2 loooooooong years on anything and everything. I had to re-train the child so to speak.

Now if I say “no” I do not get pushback.

Learn from me.

It is hard at first and the manipulative behavior will continue. The cheater don’t like it. They will act like a child. They will bully you. But eventually you will become very skilled at the “no “ response and the result will be the cheater may try to manipulate but you will have ended the conversation. Or left the room or not answered the text etc.

Come here if you need responses. I can give some good replies like “sorry I cannot do that” down to “hell no!!”

Here is one of my comebacks to my H during his affair. He told me I would like the OW if I met her. I responded that I try to keep my “friends” who are trying to destroy my marriage to a minimum.

We will support you here at SI. It is hard. It is painful.

But you will be glad you hung in there in the end.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:12 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

BigMammaJamma posted 8/11/2020 13:18 PM

I am so proud of you for holding your ground on your schedule. I am afraid that perhaps the man you loved never actually existed. This guy you are dealing with is such an impossible asshole. You got this!

Needtosurvive posted 8/14/2020 10:21 AM

I have filed. He should have received the petition on the ground of adultery today. D Day was 80 days ago!! that is it. The end of everything

Wanttobebetter posted 8/14/2020 10:37 AM

It must be hard but it is not the end of everything. Look at it as the beginning of something great, your new life. Best wishes to you and your kids and be strong. They need you be that strong person whom they can look up to.

NeverTwice posted 8/14/2020 11:18 AM

needtosurvive,

Print the following out and put copies of it everywhere. Dresser, bathroom mirror, dash of the car. And read it over and over until it is burned into your brain. Thanks to user notmine for this...it is perfect.

You can do this. It will take time, but it will get better. It will help if you find your anger. You are taking your power back and setting boundaries. This is a healthy sign. You will become stronger as a result of this. You already have.


You are stronger than you know. I believe everyone, deep deep down, has amazing reserves of strength. And I am so sorry you are having to draw on those reserves

Sending hugs and strength. Breathe - breath deeply - from the diaphragm. Touch and feel the texture of the seat you are on. Notice the sounds and smells around you.

A small suggestion? You would, in my opinion, see some real positive results if you can begin (or continue) to exercise regularly. I find yoga very helpful too as I age. And walking my three monster doggies gets my heart rate up for sure!

I am pulling for you friend. May you find your peace and healing. And we are always here to prop you up if you are about to stumble.

Hurtmyheart posted 8/14/2020 18:42 PM

I think I saw that you wrote that you envy those who are in R?

R is not an easy process. And it takes two to make R possible. My WH passed away 5 months ago today and we never completed R. He was not all in like he promised to be.

Our R was false R because his WW behaviors continued throughout the last several years of our marriage, up until his recent death; staring, smiling at and flirting with OW.

This is what "I" put up with. Because why?? Because I loved him and I was afraid of the unknown. But I paid the price with
a broken heart and serious trust issues and PTSD.

His eyes refused to be true... he was a cake eater. And then he lied and denied he was doing anything wrong.

In hindsight, if I could go back, I would cut my losses and run because I now realize how hurtful and inappropriate his behavior was. It took his death for me to be able to see clearly. In essence, I sold my soul because I was too afraid to make the jump out of my emotionally abusive marriage and into the unknown. But guess where I am at today? In the unknown! Am I sad? Yes. But I'm also healing.

Your WH broke his commitment to you and the marriage. He is broken. The trust is gone. He has the OW drive him to your house. Who does that?? He is sending you nasty text messages. He is mean and rude to you. He is inconsiderate of you and your kids. He is a bully.

Do you really want to stay in limbo hoping to get him back after the way he has treated you and your kids?

Work on letting him go and get your head in the game. Don't waste anymore time! He is not worth your efforts. He is a loser. Let him go...

Ginny posted 8/14/2020 18:49 PM

Be proud of yourself. By filing, you have taken control back of your life. You are starting to get your feet back under you. You can do this! (Good for you for doing it under the grounds of adultery!)

fareast posted 8/14/2020 20:43 PM

Excellent action filing and moving forward. I know it is painful, but it is the start of a a new life. Take it slow. Take care of you. Like the first steps in physical rehab after an injury, you will gradually get stronger and feel less pain as you Move ahead.

Tempocontour posted 8/16/2020 11:51 AM

Sorry for what you're going thru. Funny that your stbx affair partner's husband said that his wife don't to him because he found someone else. You said you told everyone. What did his side of family say? His parents, siblings? What did all of your and his friends say? Make sure your stbx didn't try to spin it and saying that it was all your fault. It's all his fault, 100%, for cheating. Get as much as you can from your stbx from your lawyer.

Needtosurvive posted 8/17/2020 03:24 AM

Hi All received a email of him yesterday that he plans to go legal in his rights to see the boys and wants to start having them overnight (I have not refused this but have stated that it is for him only)
He wants to introduce them to her this week (I have objected as it is not in there best interest)
So he is going to drag the boys through the court process for them to meet her. It does not make sense. I feel so anxious. I replied to the points concerning the boys only and was very professional and made it only about their best interests. He has not responded, he knows how much anxity that this will be causing me. Feel sick and scared.

I think I saw that you wrote that you envy those who are in R?
this was not meant as a flippant comment, this was mealy me feeling not worth enough for him to even try.
What did his side of family say?
I have not heard from his mum since 3 days after he left. We were close and as she went through this herself I expected more. I dont now. He doesnt speak to his dad as his dad did the same thing when he was young.
None of our social group have anything to do with him. He only cares about her.
I started running again last week to try and clear my head. Feel sick and anxious, and so much pain.

FlowerPower posted 8/17/2020 14:22 PM

You did just the right thing ~ Stick to the kids' well-being and keep it professional. I completely understand your cry in pain and melt in frustration when you finish responding. That's ok! Let him continue to feel the gray rock.


I am SOOOO proud of you for filing under adultery.
It sounds like he is just reacting to your filing by saying he's going to"go legal" over the kids.

You have a 10 year old and I am not sure of the other son's age. That is too young to have to be caught in the middle or for your son to know what he wants. Let your lawyer handle it with your WH. Maybe he will send a letter, maybe he will play hardball, maybe he will try to compromise. Let your lawyer figure it out and contact your WH regarding the kids. You stay stone faced, and if he "yells" at you via email, tell him, "Well you said you planned to go legal to over the kids. I'm no lawyer and I want what's best for the boys, so I am just letting my attorney handle this with you and your attorney. Gosh, I hate to see us both run up attorney bills. I sure would rather put that money towards the kids' education." Then SILENCE!

You are acting strong even though you don't feel like it. You threw him out on DDay. You told him to get his stuff. You got the STD tests. You kept him to his commitment with your boys, and you have filed for divorce. Good all around!!

You said you knew the OW and received a Christmas Card from her. You also said she has left her BH and three kids to an apt with your WH. Have you spoken with OBS?

It's terrible when he tries to pull your strings to make you misstep. Stay your course. You're doing better than you know. Hugs.

Needtosurvive posted 8/17/2020 15:03 PM

Thank you Flower Power. Been sat here cry I have hear nothing back. I forwarded the correspondence to my solicitor, Im just so scared he is going to introduce her like he said he would I Thursday. I haven't got the strength, I really do not want to stop the boys seeing him.

You said you knew the OW and received a Christmas Card from her. You also said she has left her BH and three kids to an apt with your WH. Have you spoken with OBS

We were all friends my STBXWH would go riding with her H. It was him that told me who he was with. When I found out I text him with just her name. He replied with yes, but we wanted to tell you when we was ready!!!
I feel like Im constantly being kicked, it is the never-ending story. He has been fighting for them to meet her since day 14!!!!
I have done everything I am 180, gray rock and putting on a brave face. It doesn't get easier, its so hard to do all his alone. Feel like Im facing a battle everyday and it never stops. I want it all to stop

Hurtmyheart posted 8/17/2020 15:17 PM

Need to survive, you are worth it and your WH isn't. You stayed faithful to your vows whereas he didn't. Right there you are a winner... you won't have that history trailing behind you.

Something else to think about, they are building a shakey foundation of a relationship based on infidelity. Another strike against them.

I know it is hard, please try to stay strong, one day at a time and one moment at a time. You are going through a very tough transition but you can and will come out stronger on the other side.

Needtosurvive posted 8/17/2020 15:28 PM

You are going through a very tough transition but you can and will come out stronger on the other side.

I am trying but Im not sure. The youngest came down stair a minute ago (I didn't hear him) I was crying again. I hate that Im always sad, always hurting.
He is going to introduce her on Thursday. I know he is regardless of my concerns. So I either stop contact until the courts decide, which will hurt my youngest or I do nothing which mean he is going to do what he wants regarding the children.Its bad enough that he collects and drops off the children in her car. He does what the hell he likes and it is a struggle for me to carry on. How is this OK. How am i not worthless!

Jambomo posted 8/17/2020 15:39 PM

Do I remember you saying that the children were seeing a therapist? Does the therapist have an opinion on their readiness to meet OW? If they don’t think the kids are ready then I’d ask for that in writing, forward to your solicitor and stop contact until the solicitor writes to him to state that they should not be introduced to her. Then what you do has solid professional backing.

paboy posted 8/17/2020 15:45 PM

Keep going. Just one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

It is a battle, but you and the kids are worth battling for. In time, you'll be a legacy for them.

It appears that you are slipping into depression.Depression is something I have experienced.Get out of the depression. It affects your life. Your interactions with others. It will change the your life path to happiness. I realize that the Infidelity has created this, but get out of it.

You need to see your doctor for antidepressants if required. To help you get back on your feet. This will help you see the woods from the tree's.

Start keeping a journal so that you can get your thoughts on paper and out of your mind. I see that you have started to run. Increase the running. This will create more endorphin release, a natural antidepressant.

Go and have a pedicure, new hairstyle, clothes shop.. Spend time listening to music that you enjoy.

Things will get better.

There is a poster here who has a saying at the bottom of his posts that always brings a smile to my face.

Something along the lines of ' don't be concerned about your wayward. My mum says that you should always be happy giving your used items to the unfortunate'.

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