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Drowning in pain

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Needtosurvive posted 7/9/2020 14:16 PM

So I did it. He dropped boys of he asked for more stuff and I said no, I told him I will only acknowledge thing about finances and the boys. As the boys were running around he said can I talk to you for 2 minutes and I said no!!!!
I said NO, no to his bullying, no to him making me feel less than I’m worth. I’m expecting a barrage of abusive messages.
But at this moment I said no and that felt pretty dam good.
Thank u guys

CometGirl posted 7/9/2020 14:27 PM


Outoflove2020 posted 7/9/2020 14:33 PM

That's awesome, good for you!

fareast posted 7/9/2020 14:37 PM


Ginny posted 7/9/2020 18:49 PM

You are a rock star! You deserve to be treated so much better than he has been treating you. Yay to standing up for yourself!


Needtosurvive posted 7/11/2020 15:50 PM

I miss my husband not the stranger who is walking around in his skin but my other half. How long does it take for this devastation to stop. Can’t carry on x

TfromNY posted 7/12/2020 00:56 AM

Dear NTS
Thinking of you a lot after reading this thread...
Please know you only have a few jobs for the next many months while you are processing this trauma. One is to get through every few minutes as best you can. Some days 15 min will be unrelenting and devastating and you will most certainly feel you cannot carry on. But remember:

Feelings aren’t final!
And - sometimes - feelings aren’t facts!

So be kind to yourself. I swear to you if you can concentrate on just making it through each task living your life requires - each day, for the next few months - the pain will eventually become more manageable. Additionally the feelings of not being enough or that you could have somehow prevented this will STOP being fact to you when you use whatever energy you have to tend to YOU. Be gentle to yourself. Watch how you talk to yourself internally. He’s the one whacked in the head. And it’s not your job to figure out why.

I’ve heard somewhere trauma is akin to someone flipping your life lens. The lens you look through is suddenly, inextricably changed. The new reality might be new... OR your lens is sharper, and you can see details you never saw before - clearly. Your WW husband abandoning you and his children, as well as all sense of respect and honor of you, also not honoring or thinking of his children’s needs and recklessly asserting his own - are all great big GIFTS of you seeing him AS HE TRULY IS at this time! (Or maybe who he always was).

Of course we always want to flip the lens back! We always want our old world view back!! But as each day passes and you process some more - and if you work HARD on being SOFT with yourself but HARD on your boundaries - you will see he is not a man you would want to be with, now he’s shown you who he is. Grieve the man you thought he was. Grieve your future plans and his breaking of his vows. But someday soon, if you keep doing your jobs of tending to you and sticking to your boundaries - you’ll find peace in your real life moments. You’ll realize you will only accept authentic interactions and honesty from anyone in your life.

Not today. But soon.
Thinking of you xx

Needtosurvive posted 7/12/2020 02:10 AM

Thank you TFNY. I try to tell myself this all the time. But OMG the pain.
It feels infinite. Each day I tell my self I’m another day closer to it stopping but it never does.

Needtosurvive posted 7/13/2020 03:26 AM

Another text today saying he doesnt know what has changed to make the communication between us breakdown (he brought his whore to our house) and he hasnt made any demands (just endless texts of the stuff he wants)
Also proof of what debts have been paid (which shows on our joint account which he has access to)
He still wants us to be amicable but fears I dont want to be.

Really do you know what I want I want him out of my life I want him to leave me the fuck alone I never wanted any of this. Most of all I want the pain to stop, feel like Im on the edge

Bigger posted 7/13/2020 06:49 AM


I think that we BS sometimes need to take a real tough “this is life-and-death” stance.
Imagine this scenario: Imagine you are sitting at home enjoying the sunshine when your kid runs through a glass door (or falls on a glass table). The cuts are deep and maybe even an artery opens. The only chance of survival is if you ACT and you ACT correctly. You grab your favorite scarf – the real silk, $$$$ some fancy-French-name-designer one – because that’s the one nearest. You staunch the flow of blood. You calm the kid. You calm the other kids and ask the oldest to get the phone. You call 911. You phone your neighbor to come help. You make sure somebody is there for the other children when you leave in the ambulance with the injured one. You make sure the kid gets the correct treatment. You make sure the other kids are OK. Finally – maybe 24-36 hours later when EVERYONE is OK and EVERYTHING you can do has been done – you allow yourself to cry.

That’s where you are now. In the early stages of the above fiasco.
You can’t afford to run around without purpose screaming at the walls for help. There is too much at stake.

From what I read your husband has already decided what he wants. He probably has some vision of the future. He get’s his new woman, they create a Brady-bunch style family, he’s happy, she’s happy, the kids are all happy, you are happy, the other woman’s husband is happy… and maybe even you all go to Disney World together and are all such great friends and ride unicorns and fart rainbows…

Reality is so different…
I HOPE that you and your then ex can become amicable co-parents. I HOPE the OW turns into a good step-mom for your kids when they are with their dad. I HOPE they get along with their new “friends” and all that. I hope for all this because IF that happens it’s best for all. But whatever is to be has to be based on facts and truths.

One very likely development is that once WH and OW start establishing house the bills come in. His priorities will change to paying his utilities first, before paying “your” utilities. When the pressure of real wife hit him and OW they will look for common enemies – like you and the ex husband.

Sometimes the best solution when somebody wants something is to give it to them. Your husband wants out of this marriage and into another relationship. Give him what he wants – only do so on real terms rather than the fantasy “let’s all be friends” terms. Start looking for an attorney that can help you give your husband the “gift” of being free to be with his new woman. Only that “gift” includes deciding prime custody, visitation and child-support, spousal support, division of assets and debts… That “gift” includes the formalities of divorce.

It’s not what you WANT. Not any more than you wanted your kid to cut an artery in the above example. But it’s what you have to deal with.
The attorney? He’s the doctor at the ER that treats the cut.

I think you should do the inevitable and the best-not-delayed: Talk to an attorney and learn your rights. For example: maybe you can file right away for abandonment and establish that you have prime residency in your home. That in turn can legally bind your husband to pay the bills. Or temporary support while the process is going through. Right now if the choice is between making you happy by paying the mortgage or making his new woman by buying a dining-room set…

I also want you to find an EMR… Or basically the emotional equivalent.
Do you have a friend, relative or parent that is calm, logical and determined? Someone that you can lean on and help you in your decision making? We tend to be so emotionally entwined in our issues that often we don’t make sense. We get side-tracked.
I want you to reach out to someone to be in your corner. Heck… it can even be a couple. If your best friend has a husband that fits the bill get them to be your corner. You just want someone that can be a sounding board and can make sure you keep momentum.

Now IF your husband comes home with his tail between his legs… well… let’s deal with that fantasy if that happens. But right now you NEED to take action to stop the bleeding. We can all cry once you are on-path.

Westway posted 7/13/2020 09:54 AM

So I did it. He dropped boys of he asked for more stuff and I said no, I told him I will only acknowledge thing about finances and the boys. As the boys were running around he said can I talk to you for 2 minutes and I said no!!!!
I said NO, no to his bullying, no to him making me feel less than I’m worth. I’m expecting a barrage of abusive messages.
But at this moment I said no and that felt pretty dam good.
Thank u guys

Excellent! Good job.

Now ghost him. If his texts are not specifically about the boys or the divorce, ignore him. It will take a while but he will slowly back off and stop harrassing you. If he doesn't talk to a lawyer about a restraining order. Seriously. He can communicate with you through your lawyer or other channels.

Ginny posted 7/16/2020 14:18 PM

How are you doing, Needtosurvive? Just checking in...

Needtosurvive posted 7/16/2020 16:17 PM

Wow thank u so much Ginny. I appreciate u asking.
The boys had counciler today and after I took her aside and explained that this Sunday was the end of the review period aka for him to start going on about meeting her... I was told they are not ready they are petrified of loosing him. I thought ok I will deal with this on Sunday then.
The boys came back from seeing him and the oldest took a deep breath and said Mum I’m ok with meeting her I was ok that’s not what the counciler said.. He then started cry saying he’s dad kept asking him why he didn’t want to and he couldn’t come up with an answer other than he didn’t want to. He was told that he would need to get over it, they would need to meet her eventually and that her kids have stayed with the both of them!!
I am livid. I explained that they do not have to do anything they don’t want and there relationship is with only their Dad as long as they want it. The oldest said his dad said he didn’t want to keep her leaving the home when he see’s them.
So angry that they feel bullied (I text him to tell him that) he text our son to apologise. How can the WS put everything above the kids how can that make sense even in the most disturbed mind????

ZoeS posted 7/16/2020 17:11 PM

OMG Needtosurvive... what a self-involved, selfish piece of garbage that man is. It's all about what HE wants, just for everything to be happy happy fine fine fine, while meanwhile, he just dropped an atomic bomb on your life, and your boys' life.

Do you have a counsellor? When I was in your shoes, I was paralyzed with pain, and I so understand how that feels. But I think right now, you've got to try to put that aside and find the deepest reservoir of strength you have. This man is emotionally blackmailing your children, and that needs to stop.

1. Lawyer! ASAP!! I have a feeling things could get messy, you must be prepared.
2. Inform your STBX that his actions are unacceptable, the boys are NOT ready to meet this woman, and that meeting will happen on THEIR timeline, not his. HE destroyed the family, and is being unconscionably insensitive, causing them additional and unnecessary distress. I personally might also add, put your dick back in your pants and pull your head out of your ass. But that's just me.
3. Set boundaries. If there is anything there he might want, get it packed up. Tell him to hire someone to box it, you put it in a giant pile, and have it taken away, at his expense. He is no longer welcome at your house, and neither is she. Drop offs are by him only, at a designated meeting spot - parking lot, gas station, etc. You mean BUSINESS.
4. Any necessary communication is via email only for the time being. This involves any financial discussions, scheduling, etc. If he doesn't understand this... that's fine. He only needs to respect it. You are done explaining yourself to him. You make the rules that are best for you and the boys. If he questions anything, that's your answer.
4. We know what you're going through, we're here, but get some real life support.

It's 1000% okay if you are messy right now, you're doing an AMAZING job. Keep going. You absolutely have the strength to do this. This man... has revealed a very ugly truth about himself, and that he is not worthy of you. That will take time to deal with, and the grief. Give yourself permission to take the time you need, but never abandon yourself in this fight.

I read something that helped me during my darkest times... a singer who said he was sitting under a tree, thinking about committing suicide, and instead, he said to himself, "get up mother f*cker". Kind of crass maybe, but I told myself that again and again. Get up. Just. Get. Up. Eventually, you will rise with joy again. And I made it true. So will you.

Sending you all the strength. xx

Ginny posted 7/16/2020 18:17 PM

Great advice by Zoe ^^^

Needtosurvive posted 7/17/2020 15:43 PM

Hurting and lonely tonight. Got stupid mind movies breaking me down tonight x

SilverStar posted 7/17/2020 18:28 PM

Your brain is coughing up more so you can process the next layer. It's horrible. For me, it was a cycle. I'd have some days where I was, I thought, literally dying, then I'd have a few good days. Rinse repeat. Your brain will only process what you can take. It's part of trauma and mourning the loss of what meant so much to you. I'm so, so sorry, honey.

i know some tricks to feel better, but the truth is these feelings must be processed and integrated into your reality. My IC calls it "metabolizing" what happened.

I urge you to stay the hell away from alcohol and online dating sites. That's avoiding the pain. The pain will still be there, and it will be back with a vengeance. Sit with it a bit. Journal. Write down your mind movies. Write them again and change the ending to one you like better. One breath at a time. You are not alone in this pain.

susielee posted 7/18/2020 12:23 PM

Needtosurvive, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how painful it is, but I also know you will be ok in time. Just take care of you, be selfish and consider what is best for you.

I always wonder when these cheaters remarry the other woman/man and recite the wedding vows, if there is any thought in their head of just how much they honored those vows the first time around, or the devastation they left. No need to answer, likely they thought nothing of it and will be as likely to honor the vows in their next relationship as they did in the first, as soon and the excitement dies down.

Needtosurvive posted 7/18/2020 16:18 PM

I hope he doesn’t marry again (thins is probably why I won’t file for d) because those words meant everything to me, and still do. Everyone tells me I doin great ( I can’t understand as it’s a bloody struggle every day). Thought I was doing well today, he dropped boys of today early so I wasn’t inside hiding behind the door and I saw him, he had a new top on on I thought he looked really good. When do I stop finding him beautiful like I have always found him.. my husband is dead and there is this horrible stranger walking around in his skin.. there is so many people here please give me a time frame to count Donna to. 53 days so far

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/18/2020 18:19 PM

Oh gosh I remember those days...and I can feel your pain like it is my own, because of course it used to be. I too wanted a time frame from someone - anyone. It felt like I would feel that way forever.

My d-day1 was 10/4/2017. My d-day2 was 10/1/2018 (false R for a year). My d-day3 was 4/8/2019 (NC for 3 months and then false R for 3-4 more). Then on 10/1/2019, after the A (allegedly) was over and he had begged me numerous times to stay and give him another chance (after d-day1, 2 and 3 and the time between) my WH told me that he wanted me to get out of the house immediately - move out and go - because he "didn't want to do this anymore" because I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy?!?! I've been cheated on and lied to for 2.5 years, and misled and fucked with during that time, and after 6 months of the A being over I am supposed to be happy?!??! (He later changed his mind, but we are not in R but still live together until Sept when my job is done and I can move away from here for good).

I am telling you my timeline because something important happened. On 10/1/2019, when he told me he was done, I was unhappy, felt tossed away, was sad, depressed, angry...filled with all the conflicting feelings. That feeling of ABANDONMENT was horrible for me...but, but, but...within days I felt BETTER. A lot better. Why? Because at that moment I saw him for who he is...someone who could hurt the person they loved so badly and not want to help them - not really help them. He didn't want to help repair the damage - he wanted to pretend the damage wasn't there. He didn't want the broken me - he wanted me, IF I was exactly the same as before. When that moment of clarity came for me, something changed in me. I didn't want to be with someone who didn't have my back - the fact was that the "good times and bad" didn't apply to him - only to me - in his mind. Why would I want that??? And that's when I didn't feel abandoned anymore - I felt free.

I don't know why it took that long for that to click in my mind, but it did. Other people on here, it takes longer, and for some it takes less....but you will feel differently eventually. That may be tomorrow or it may be two months from now, but you will.

I would suggest looking into books/articles that deal with the pain of abandonment, because believe it or not, a lot of what you are feeling right now is not tied to him at all - it's tied to your feelings of being left. There is a LOT out there to read which may help you focus on YOU and not on him - which is precisely what you need to do right now.

I'm sorry I can't give you a timeline, but I can tell you it will change, and I think if you focus on yourself those changes will take place quicker.

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