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Drowning in pain

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Needtosurvive posted 7/6/2020 14:10 PM

So today is my 12th Wedding Anniversary, it is also nearly 6 weeks since Dday.
Since I found out I kicked him out and he is now living with the OW. She left her husband and 3 kids on the same day I found out. I really struggled to begin with and thought I would never make it over this pain. Got our kids councilling, other than the youngest crying most nights they are doing ok. They see him 3 times a week. We fought for the first three weeks as he was saying he was going to introduce them to her as it is not a fling and they are going to be together forever (like he never said those words to me!!!) .
Back in March I thought we were going through a rough patch so I spent 3 months trying to make him love me I didnít realise that he was already seeing the OW and they both decided to try and make their marriages work. So angry that I was playing the pick me dance without even knowing. The OW and her husband weíre friends and I even have text from new year of her wishing me the best 2020. What a joke!
I have been going NC an grey rock. Today he text asking for the rest of ďhisĒ stuff (things that I brought him)... on our bloody anniversary, when Iím struggling to make it through today. And tonight he is meeting her kids 12 years after he promised to love me forever.
He talks to me like crap over messages, what happened to the man that would never do this due to his FOO.
Iím hurting so bad tonight guys

Evermore posted 7/6/2020 14:39 PM

This is just awful. I am so sorry.

Affair aside, they typically recommend waiting 1-2 years before introducing a new partner. Perhaps focusing on your childrenís need to grieve the loss of their family structure and recommendations from child health professionals on that matter may help pull him out of the cloud from s parenting perspective.

Your WS is too lost in the fog from a relationship standpoint.

It is sad when parents use their kids as pawns to validate what they canít validate in their own minds. It is a frantic, hurtful, and deeply selfish act to deny your children the space they need.

I hate all of this for you.

Donít feel guilty about the accidental pick me dance. You were just trying to be a good partner

Underserving posted 7/6/2020 14:53 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I canít imagine my WH wanting to introduce my kids to the AP. I see red just thinking about it.
I think you should file immediately, and have it in writing that he is not able to introduce them for a certain amount of time. Iím not real savvy on the laws, and they vary state to state, (if you are in the US) but I believe with cases of infidelity, you can have that as a stipulation.
They have been living in fantasy affair land free from real life responsibilities. Itís almost guaranteed one or both of them will lose that warm fuzzy feeling once reality sets in. They both get to live the rest of their lives being the gutter trash that broke up their family for their own selfishness and lack of morals. I would rather be the one enduring the pain of betrayal for a short time, than live with that for the rest of my life.
Anniversaries and holidays are hard. You will get through it, and may come out an even stronger and healthier person when all is said and done. Itís hard to see now, but it happens all the time. Giving you hugs on a hard day. Iím so sorry.

traicionada posted 7/6/2020 19:37 PM

(((Needtosurvive))) Be extra good to yourself today. You mentioned you got the children in counseling, how about you? Do you have IRL support?

Needtosurvive posted 7/8/2020 15:56 PM

So he collected all his stuff yesterday, I made sure I gave him every little piece of his crap. He even had the nerve to leave the things that he didnít want. He collects his last item tomorrow. Got someone else being here.
I canít do this the pain never ends. All Iíve ever done is love him. He promised to never do this cause the same happened to him.
What happened!!! How am I not enough, how is the life and children we created not enough that he ďis in loveĒ with the AP that always represented everything he didnít like

Needtosurvive posted 7/8/2020 15:59 PM

Please help

Ginny posted 7/8/2020 16:25 PM

I am so sorry you have to go through this right now! There are so many people here that can give you great advice. Please hold on.

You CAN get through this. You WILL be happy again. It DOES get better.

He is a jerk for putting you through this garbage. Going No Contact as much as possible will help. Read up on ďgray rockĒ. It helps, too.

Now. Make taking care of yourself a priority.

Drink water. Stay away from alcohol (it will only make things worse right now).

Make sure you eat. If you canít stomach anything, drink protein shakes so you keep your strength up.

Walk, walk, walk. Exercise like that is so beneficial at this point.

Make an appointment to see your doctor. I promise you, your doctor has seen this before and will most likely treat you gently. Get a full panel STD check.

Out your wh to everybody. YOU donít have to keep any secrets for him. Tell his parents. Tell your couple friends. Itís not your secret - itís too big of a burden to go through this alone.

Out her, too.

Make an appointment for counseling (not marriage counseling, but Individual Counseling.

Find your tribe to help you through this in real life. We can help you through a lot, but sometimes you need a literal shoulder to cry on. Who can you trust?

Get an appointment with an attorney. Shop around, actually, until you find one you trust. You need a good advocate right now.

Treat yourself kindly. You have been through a LOT. You will come through the other side, I promise. You can do hard things! We have your back.

[This message edited by Ginny at 4:27 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

Ginny posted 7/8/2020 16:28 PM

And, HELL no. He doesnít get to treat you like crap in his texts. Those are the ones you donít respond to.

nekonamida posted 7/8/2020 16:33 PM

Call a lawyer ASAP. Get an IC for yourself to help support you. Call your closest friends and family. Tell them everything. Let them support you and help you through this. You need a solid team rallied around you.

What happened!!! How am I not enough, how is the life and children we created not enough that he ďis in loveĒ with the AP that always represented everything he didnít like

It has nothing to do with you. Your STBX is greedy and wanted more. He just didn't realize he was going to find himself downgrading to a loose woman with no morals and a taste for married men so he's turning his anger towards you. He will blame anything and everything on you, his parents, the weather, and the dog to avoid taking any responsibility for his terrible choices.

The pain gets a little better one day at a time. Keep NC. Ignore his text messages. You can do this.

Needtosurvive posted 7/8/2020 16:56 PM

I am completely grey rock and NC. Trying to take care of myself, all good on STI checks.
But the pain doesnít stop. Iíve gave him everything he want out the house so he can leave me alone. I just need it all to stop hurting. 6 weeks today and it kills

Ginny posted 7/8/2020 18:57 PM

Yes it does. I am so sorry for your pain. Iíve been there. It is terrible, gut wrenching pain. I lost my mind for awhile. BUT, It gets better. It really does. It may not feel that way tonight, but it does. Be gentle with yourself! Sending love and light your way, hoping you feel some peace.

Buffer posted 7/8/2020 19:05 PM

I am so sorry for where you are.
I can only offer support from afar.
Cyber hugs
Buffer

Bingo posted 7/8/2020 19:24 PM

We all feel your pain and I hate that this has happened to yet another unsuspecting spouse. The pain can be unbearable, I know..

I was divorced in March and had what would have been my 22 year wedding anniversary in June. There is still pain, questions, doubts, mind movies, the whole shit and shibang.

This is a safe place for you, dear one. I won't fill your head with platitudes. I know I didn't want to hear them...

Just know that these people here do care about you and your heartache. And you can come and join us anytime you need to.

Needtosurvive posted 7/9/2020 03:22 AM

He collected his last thing now. He had the nerve to bring her to the house to drop him off and she waited. Thank god i wasnt here!!!
How dare he bring her to the house, what is wrong with these people.

jb3199 posted 7/9/2020 06:01 AM

You will never understand his behavior any deeper than accepting that he is a very messed up individual. And when you question yourself....like why you weren't enough....think of this: he did this to his KIDS!! What could they have done to possibly deserve this?

Answer: Nothing. They didn't do anything more than you did. All you/they did was love and trust him. He decided that totally decimating your lives for his 'happiness' was more important than anything else. That speaks volumes to his character.

Needtosurvive posted 7/9/2020 07:41 AM

Thanks all, he has just sent me another list of his things that he wants me to sort for him for tonight when he brings the boys back.
I havenít replied and I am really done with the demands. So how do I NC tonight when he asks where his things are as I normally leave things out for him?

Anna123 posted 7/9/2020 07:55 AM

You have a few choices. To keep it simple for now, I personally would respond "okay". Nothing more. Gather the stuff, and leave it on the porch. You could say this is the final time etc. but that doesn't stop him from continuing anyway until you have something legal. This keeps it simple for you, today. What needs to happen when you retain a lawyer, is you set a deadline for this. Anything not collected by a certain day, stays with the family (or goes into storage that he pays for, see what a lawyer says).

I am sure you will get a few more responses that may differ so what ever feels right for you. Not gathering his stuff encourages him to barge in or escalate in some way possibly.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! He is a horrible person. As time goes on you will see this more clearly and realize the 'not being good enough' for him is actually a good thing. Take care and remember the suggestions to eat, or protein drinks if you can't. Take care.

BTW, I would still consider this grey rock. You are not conversing or reacting. It is just a logistical thing at this point. If it is on the porch you don't have to interact.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 7:57 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

rugswept posted 7/9/2020 07:56 AM

Wow. They're a real pair. Maybe they are made for each other.

Just think: they BOTH walked on their BS and they both had children they left without batting an eye. That's a special kind of defect.

When I was a child, we were three kids, and my mom walked to go out to party with boyfriends, ending our family.

You're only 6 weeks in. Of course it hurts, beyond belief. You're barely past the numb phase. The surreal feeling, how did my life change so much and so fast.

I hit bottom 5 months out and that was faster than many. We care about you. We ALL share the pain of betrayal and everything that comes with it.

You can rely and believe in those who are here. They've lived it and they understand everything you're going through. It will get better.

Do the right thing by your boys. Much later they will come to understand what happened here and will come to know that you were the one who were with them in their darkest hour. I know. I lived it.

Charity411 posted 7/9/2020 10:47 AM

You are getting excellent advice. There is nothing you can do about how he behaves, but you can choose how to respond to it.

You are absolutely overwhelmed right now. I remember that feeling well. So maybe there is another alternative about his stuff. Part of being good to yourself is deciding that you get to be in charge of when you do things. He has walked out on his wife and children, and as such, he forfeits the right to demand things on his schedule. If you can't handle the pain of packing up an endless list of stuff, tell him you want a final list by a specific date and you'll let him know when it's ready. Be businesslike about it.

You'll get through this. Sometimes taking control of little situations like this help you feel less like you are just drowning.

SilverStar posted 7/9/2020 11:12 AM

I remember 6 weeks in. Every BS here does. I remember feeling like there was no way a person could hurt this much and not die.

I'M STILL ALIVE and I am thriving. I went back to school and have a new career that I love. I invest time and energy into my friendships. My relationship with my children is great - they know who was there for them and who got up out of bed to make sure they were fed and got where they needed to go despite heartbreak. They were old enough to know what was going on.

Recovery wasn't linear. I had good days and bad, good months and bad.

Your job is to take care of you and yours. Your WH is neither, so eff him. Throw out the rest of his crap along with the coffee grinds and cat litter.

Make room for your new interests and activities. Maybe there is a sunny nook where you can have a reading/yoga/craft area. Feed yourself and your kids. Don't be afraid to cut corners for convenience. We ate so many rotisserie chickens, I thought we might start clucking. Stay close to your kids. They need a sane, present parent, and that's you even if you don't feel like either. I found being present with whatever I was doing kept me from thinking about my situation, and in those moments, I was not unhappy.

See a lawyer. Start the process and make sure you and your kids are protected and that WH is meeting his responsibilities to the family he created.

One day at time. Sometimes it's one breath at a time. It isn't always going to be like this. You are going to be fine - better than fine.

Meanwhile, Wh gets to spend the foreseeable future with someone he was made for, a true soulmate. That is not a compliment to the cheaters. It's a warning.

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