BallofPain posted 7/2/2020 21:11 PM

It's been a day since DDay and I'm in the process of choosing an IC. I have the choice between two that have a different approach. It's hard for me to gauge what works from a 20 minute free consultation though.

The first one: I felt I was able to really open up to her. She would point out things that might've had a hand in causing the affair. I felt like she was working with me rather than at me. The only concern is whether or not she might lead me down a path where I don't own my actions, where I can justify it because of family issues or even blame the AP (I still have a problem with that).

The second one: She seemed very knowledgeable but I felt I couldn't open up as much because she wanted to keep explaining and talking. She was very direct and I feel she wouldn't take any BSing on my part. But I found that she pointed out less stuff as the first one. My concern with this one is that I wouldn't be able to open up as much. But her approach might be better for a wayward who needs to open her eyes.

I ask you guys what criteria to look for in an IC. One that gives me the best chance to face what I've done and quit hiding or running from it.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/2/2020 21:28 PM

I would say give the IC 3 chances. If you don't walk away from any of the sessions with an "ohhhhhhhhh" moment, then that IC isn't the one. By an "ohhhhhhhhh" moment, I mean one where you realize you've been looking at something all wrong. I would give the first one a chance since you feel like you can open up to her.

leavingorbit posted 7/2/2020 21:54 PM

I think IC is a guide. The work is what you do yourself and what you bring to the table. I too wanted my IC to hold my feet to the proverbial fire and she refused. She said I’d had enough blame going on but then, I have a C-PTSD diagnosis and tend to overcompensate. Not a lot of blame for anyone except me. Everyone is different.

My IC is very kind and compassionate. She specializes in trauma and is a CSAT. I dug through lots of layers of justification and trauma, still am working on unpacking trauma and triggers. She was and is patient.

It will take time. My advice is to go with the one you were most comfortable with and share your fears regarding accountability. I feel if you’re not ready to heal, a more confrontational IC probably won’t resolve that for you anyway.