Thanks for your response MrCleanSlate.
Well, I’ll try to sum up our marriage as quickly as possible. We got married very fast and within months of knowing each other. No one expected us to last especially as we come from different cultures and backgrounds. Both of our parents (his now deceased) are/were together for a long time and we both had normal childhoods. However, my parents are very close, do everything together, whereas in his culture, it’s a male dominated society and women are seen not heard. So our beginning struggles were me wanting the relationship my parents have and him wanting to preserve some of that freedom and individuality. I’ve always struggled with jealousy and I felt he didn’t help the situation. I was always too scared to speak up when I wasn’t happy with something that he was doing in fear of losing him. So I would voice my concerns, he would tell me it is how it is and continue to do it.
Couple of examples with members of opposite sex. At the beginning of our relationship he had an exGF that was still in love with him. He told me she wanted to meet with him (this was now during our short dating phase) and he went ahead and met with her. I wasn’t happy. She continued to pop up and I had asked him to tell her to back off. Stop calling, etc. he refused. Then one day, I happened to answer the phone and told her to get lost, right in front of him. She then disappeared from our lives. 5 years into our marriage, I then discover this email of another exGF contacting him to say hi and him responding to her with no mention about me. They corresponded couple of times and when confronted he blew up, and called me jealous, etc. that was one and only time cops were called because he punched the wall.
Also, since we’ve been married, he’s always had this love for his hobby. He used to go 3-4 times a week, no matter what was going on in our lives. I used to cry when our son’s bday party would roll around and I would have to insist that he shows up when his little buddies were there. When our son started playing sports and games were on Saturday mornings, yup, he went to his hobby and I was on the sidelines every single time.
A few years of that, I had to start finding ways to cope. I started coping by immersing myself with my addiction which was my sports team. I watch the games religiously on TV and that made me happy.
7 years into our marriage I decided I wanted to get fit and asked one of my guy friends to help me. I started running with him and hanging out with him and his gf once in a while I didn’t tell my husband about this because oh well, he had his life and I had mine. Stupid way to think back then, and another way of just avoiding the gap growing in our marriage. I thought if he can do that, then so can I. Maybe I thought he would pay attention to me then. Well, couple of months later, he found out that I was spending time with this friend of mine and blew up. He treated it as if I betrayed him and cheated on him and at the time, I was just feeling I was doing the same thing he was. Living life and doing what I wanted. We went though a period of him drinking heavily to get over me not telling him that I was exercising with my friend. He asked me to stop talking to him and even met with the guy one on one. I never crossed any boundary with my friend, he fully respected my husband. At the time we shared small toddlers and would sometimes just talk about family life. But knowing what I know now, this was taking time away from my husband. While I stopped talking to my friend for some time, we did start checking in with each other once or twice a year, ask about each other’s families and that was it. Post A, I disclosed to him that I had continued talking to this friend and that now I will stop completely. My husband is more important than my male friend.
Fast forward a few years again and we are at the event of him texting with this woman in his country 5 years ago. I found out the morning we were leaving to fly back home. He had left his phone on the bed and I was packing up bedsheets to put away and I pick up his phone to a message from this woman. It’s asking him to pass by the clubhouse so that she can give him a hug goodbye. Further up, there’s a sexual reference to which he told me was a joke. I also saw that they had talked on the phone the night before. All news to me. I had no clue who she was. He walks back i to the bedroom, sees me with the phone and grabs it out of my hand. I wrote the rest up there. Then silence from him. I ended up finding her on his FB where she remained up to Feb of this year. I asked him 5 years ago to delete her, he refused. Basically gave me the attitude of he did nothing, he will co to us to talk to her if he wants to and for me to deal with it. I rugswept.
During this silence time in the last 5 years, another exGF appeared on his FB friends list that I brought up and told him I wasn’t happy with. He blew up in that case too and threatened to leave because of my insecurity.
I felt the other areas of our marriage was ok. Normal ups and downs. We maintain separate finances but joint household bills. No issues in the bedroom, quite the opposite. I never felt like I was deprived in that area. But the day to day attention was really lacking. I had 3 very serious health scares where I almost died, he was nowhere to be found to comfort me. I wanted more children, he was happy with what we had but wasn’t opposed to having more. I asked him to come to the specialist with me to find out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. He refused. I went to the appointment by myself, so embarrassed to be sitting in an office with couples. All tests showed fine with me and he refused. We never ended up having another child and I still struggle to let that go. Just the fact that he refused to be there with me through that time of trying.
Now for the past year and a half, I had a very stressful period at work and in the middle of that, 2 young coworkers just dropped dead within a month of each other. My first panic attack happened then although I didn’t know what that was. In the span of the year, I was in the emergency room 4 times where I thought I was dying. I was terrified of dying with what happened with my coworkers. So any pain I feel, even up to today, send me into a full blown panic. No help there, no how are you feeling, can I help??
So with this last trip, when AP came along, he just literally said all the things that just gave me that attention. The more we typed back and forth, the more I was looking forward to his messages. But then they crossed boundaries when we realized we liked each other. What made matters worse, when I’m in his country, they speak a different language. I’ve asked my husband and his relatives repeatedly every trip to include me in their conversations and they refused. All of them speak fluent and perfect English. So again, all AP had to do was just engage and I was there. Hours and hours of talking about stupid shit with an occasional flattering comment. I would be sitting right next to my husband and be typing away with this guy. We sent updates what we were doing, where we were going etc. there was never any sexual talk in our messages or pics of each other. We took couple of pictures together when we were in a group setting. I have since deleted those pictures. The only physical part that happened was the day I called AP to town for lunch and we kissed. It lasted about half an hour. My BS was in the middle of his hobby during that time.
After all of this, now it feels like we are back to square one. The old relationship is trashed. I’ve realized some things about myself that I am working to change. I was selfish, insecure, revengeful, evil, heartless, liar and so many other things. I realized that even before my A, I wasn’t completely open with my BS but now these painful emotions send me straight to anxiety and panic attack hell. He’s told me the same and he was open to R pretty much from get go. What’s delaying our process now is my inability to open up completely. So we talk about that a lot. But I hope I don’t run out of time, I know I don’t deserve his consideration but for my sake, I’m making these changes for me.
I too get hit with waves of remorse and just feel rotten. I brought AP into my family home and the embarrassment that causes. Our family is well known in the area. On the outside, people are always passing by our place there because we help anyone that asks. We’ve put neighbors’ kids through school, paid school fees, helped with food, given them rides, bought school supplies, employed men/women when they come and ask for work, etc. So our reputation has just gone down the drain because of me. I believe that’s one of the reasons why BS was suicidal.