Hi Snowyjune,
So much about this post takes me back. I too was very intent on fixing myself.
Some of what Rocketracoon says is true, I was really fixated on trying to fix myself. I am a recovering perfectionist who got in my own way with a lot of handwringing.
But, I think it's also part of the process to start learning that balance. It's so difficult because on one hand, until we can improve ourselves we are going to do the same things over and over in different formations. So, I do not think for a minute that working hard on yourself is not helping your husband.
BUT at the same time, the practicing the new skills is part of that. We have to allow ourselves time for the integration of what we are learning.
One thing I learned early on is if my husband had any request, to get to it as immediately as humanly possible. We have good intentions in trying to work on ourselves (and gosh that is so overwhelming - as a fellow WS I totally know how overwhelming and consuming that is to finally open our eyes and become self aware. I was failing too. I couldn't focus on the basics some days). But, we can't do that without realizing that we are being given a huge chance that we can't take for granted. We must see that when our BS says jump we really need to say how high, at least within reason. I add that last part because I have seen WS who have BS's who request threesomes, plastic surgery, tatoos of a scarlet A, and things that are not at all healthy for any one's healing.
Of course your BS's request is nothing like those things.
I know how scattered I was, and how much I felt like I was failing. The panic was very real and making it worse. So, just breathe.
Try and remember that FOO is really just something that helps us become comfortable in our choices, good or bad. But, the choices are still ours.
My feeling is that the most important thing to learn is how to love yourself. How to become responsible for your own happiness. Loving yourself is not a selfish thing, it's not even defined by being selfish. If we love ourselves and provide for our own happiness, we become a fountain of that for those around us. So, we have to look for things that:
1. Allow us to show respect for ourselves. Personal Boundaries, maintaining our integrity transparency, honesty, practicing vulnerability and authenticity. I love Brene Brown Ted Talks, books, or other things she does on these topics.
2. Attend to our self care (you can't care for others if you don't put on your oxygen mask first). For me, that started with the basics - exercise (upmost importance - helps not only with self respect, but also helps with endorphins which we lack at this point you are in), vitamins, eating well, avoiding alcohol, good sleep schedule - not too much, not too little)
3. Strengthening supportive relationships. This might be early for you to start that, but I didn't have close friends. When we seek all of our emotional needs in our marriage, rather than dispersing some of those things to girlfriends/close family members, we are burdening our spouse. Especially in light of not having IC as a resource. Having people cheering for you and you cheering for others is an affirmation.
4. Find things you are passionate about. This was trial and error for me, and can be difficult to carve time out when you have young kids. But having a hobby you can lose yourself in for even an hour a week can help. For me, it's running. When I am running, I am only in that moment. Which leads me to #5.
5. Mindfulness. Slow down. Even being aware during one breath in and one breath out can be a meditation. Joy only exists in us duing the present moment. When we are in the past we are feeling depressed and when we are in the future we are anxious. Try and focus on the things that are at hand. Sometimes, cleaning or doing laundry is that for me (I know it's weird) but I can be very present during that time and the more you learn to do that the more you will be able to tap into that joy that can exist in all circumstances. For more on that - try quotes or books by Pema Chadron or Eckhart Tolle.
6. Gratitude. Science shows that if you do a gratitude ritual for 21 days you can literally begin rewiring your brain. I think of 3 things before I get out of bed every morning. I really try to connect with why I feel happy those things exist. The more you do this the more you will notice these things during the day. It has really allowed me to feel more joy in mundane, appreciate my husband and others close to me more, be able to express that to them as well.
So, those are some good steps to work on in terms of self love. When we love ourselves, we have more energy, we feel less overwhelmed.
Love is an action. We have to give that action to ourselves, and it teaches us how to love others more fully and better. The joy of love is not receiving it - it's in giving it. It's in making the meal your husband loves, or in giving him a nice massage. It's in being there for him. You can't learn to do that if you don't do it for yourself.
Also the lack of it makes us tend to self-numb. And, numbness doesn't open our empathy, it doesn't open our hearts.
Try and concentrate on some of these things and not get too caught up with every bad character trait you have to eradicate within yourself. It will help you not to have to need to get your feelings from other people, it will help you be a fountain and not a drain.
Take care.