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How to handle the loneliness

Feelinglikethat posted 6/8/2020 20:02 PM

Ive been having some heavy feelings of loneliness lately (plus the ever present feelings of shame and remorse and oh god what have I done?!?!) I post this not to demean or belittle the feelings that my BS has because what he has to deal with is way larger and heavier, something he never asked for, but something I gave him that he didnít deserve. I know I created this mess.

I was feeling lonely and had a moment of crying the other night before sleeping. My husband asked me what the problem was and I told him I was dealing with some feelings of loneliness. He told me he is tired of holding me up. I told him i am thankful for all he does for me and that he allows me to be a part of hos life and that I canít wait for the day that he finally wants to hold my hand or can stand to look at me. He told me he wont be guilted or be manipulated into doing anything anymore.

There are many things I am grateful for. He lets me live life in our family unit. He still discusses family planning with me. He lets me sleep beside him in the bed. He will send me articles that he finds interesting. He will share funny things from the internet with me...these are just a few things I am thankful for among many others.

I just wonder if there is any advice on how to deal with the loneliness that comes from losing the person who felt safe with you to be your friend. I think part of what makes it even heavier is that he told me he knows he will never get over it and be happy so he might as well try to fake it bc its too much work to separate. I know I made my bed of loneliness. I guess I just don't know how to lie in it without letting the sadness out sometimes. I want to be stronger for him.

Im sorry if this comes across as a selfish whiney post. I turn here to keep me on track. Im open to any advice or criticism.

ashesofkali posted 6/8/2020 21:07 PM

No stop sign, so... yeah. I think you answered your own question right here, with this:

he knows he will never get over it and be happy so he might as well try to fake it bc its too much work to separate

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. But hey, how lonely do you think your BS feels right now?

BeyondRage posted 6/8/2020 21:19 PM

he knows he will never get over it and be happy so he might as well try to fake it bc its too much work to separate

There was not to much information as to your situation, but that's not an uncommon statement that he says to you. Time and your actions will have a lot to do with that.

A few questions you might add so folks who want to comment might have an idea whats going on are

(1) how long was your affair
(2) did you get caught or confess
(3) who is OM or men.
(4) how much TT, which is in many cases worse than the affair sex
(5) is there NC totally
(6) what have you taken the initiative to do to try to help him
(7) have you answered all his questions, no matter how many times asked.

The reason these answers are important is right now all anyone trying to help you knows is that you are a WW and your husband is keeping you at a distance.

Feelinglikethat posted 6/8/2020 23:06 PM

Ashesofkali thanks for your response. No I cant imagine his loneliness. Can you please explain more of what question I answered with that sentence? I left the stop sign off for a reason bc I wanted input from those who hve been on both side of this shitty situation.

I have posted here telling my story before, to listen and to learn from others. My first post goes through all the extensive details. I understand that response might be common. I guess my question for BS is it is okay to express those feelings of sadness over being the one who caused the loneliness in both worlds and express hope for one day that the BS will be able to see you without hate or indifference or does it come across as trying to guilt you?

For the WS how do you cope with the feelings?

Sorry for short rambling response. Just worked a long shift at work and Im beat haha

RedeemedSinner posted 6/9/2020 06:24 AM

Sorry I canít be much help with how to handle the loneliness as I myself am trying to figure out how to handle what Iíve done to my BW. I would never compare the pain Iíve caused to what I feel, but it is pain and remorse nonetheless. I see what my terrible choice has done to her and the devastation to everything we had. For her to feel ďstuckĒ with me is a feeling I canít describe in words and I know she hates that too. I hear stories of unrepentant WSs and I just canít imagine because every single morning I wake up wishing this was not my life. Sorry I canít offer any advice, but I do understand what you are going through. I hope and pray things get better at some point, but right now I donít know.

Stinger posted 6/9/2020 06:30 AM

You expressed it. I think that is ok. Does not seem manipulative to me. But, maybe do not express it any more now. You have let him know how you feel.

fooled13years posted 6/9/2020 07:11 AM

Feelinglikethat, from one of your earlier posts:

but my husband and I never really discussed how we felt about it

There are so many accounts of both the WS and the BS admitting that there was a lack of communication in their relationship.

Communication is great and can be used productively. You stated:

My husband asked me what the problem was and I told him I was dealing with some feelings of loneliness. He told me he is tired of holding me up

If you phrase this communication something like
I am feeling lonely as a result of what I did to you. If I am feeling this way I can't imagine how lonely you must feel because of what I did. Is there anything I can do to help ease your loneliness?

If he allows you to you may find that easing his loneliness may also ease your own.

HellFire posted 6/9/2020 08:26 AM

I've read your first post here..(it would be a good idea to put that in your profile).

You cheated with two different men, didn't want to give up The hobby where you met one of the OM, and after dday, posted a flirtatious video of yourself.

Your marriage didn't really have any boundaries for several years. Your husband cheated As well. Neither of you every really talked about your feelings, and rugswept everything.

He has always controlled most aspects of the marriage and your life.

And you have been lonely throughout the entire relationship.

It sounds like Hell. Why are you trying so hard to hold onto something that is so unhealthy? Something that hasn't ever really brought you happiness? Love? What do you love about him?

I think you need to get into therapy, and work on your autonomy. You need to learn How to be happy with yourself. He needs to be in IC as well.

To answer your question, you get out of this marriage and learn to be happy with yourself, and find happiness with a man who isn't abusive. From what I read in your first post, he has been abusive in many ways. So have you. He refuses to acknowledge he cheated, and is using your cheating (which sounds like you both cheated in the same way) to punish you.

hikingout posted 6/9/2020 08:41 AM

Agree with hellfire.

I do think even in the best case scenarios (if there is even such a thing here =- but maybe I should say non-abusive relationships), there is a lot of loneliness, and shame. One thing that I believe is a common thread for most WS is we are not good at consistently loving ourselves. We are usually always trying to fill ourselves up, distract ourselves, numb ourselves. All of that is because we do not have personal peace and assurance. We will never find those things externally.

As a ws, it's a hard journey to learn to love ourselves again when we just acted as our worst enemy in burning down our house.

I recommend the book by Eckhart Tolle called "The power of now" he talks about how being in the present moment can help you cultivate joy, how you can objectively look at your thoughts and learn to dispel the ones that are not serving you well. Meditation is a good practice for when we feel overwhelmed and our mind is so unsettled.

In your situation I still think these things apply and might help, but I do agree with hellfire about your individual scenario.

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