"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JBWD posted 6/7/2020 21:14 PM

Sent a quick note today to offer any help as she moves out and kids are at grandparents for foreseeable future, wound up talking about where we are.

A year ago it was “Maybe she’ll feel different about R in a year or two.”

Six months ago it was “She didn’t know what she wants.”

Today it’s “There’s no chance she’s going to feel the same about me as before, and that doesn’t work for her.”

So my future is determined. Even after apologizing she asked me not to, because she regrets nothing about our amazing experience. Sounds like very complete grief, and the words of a remarkable woman. I think I’m still gonna be here with you all, but what seemed a glimmer hopeful a year ago now sounds like this race is run.

Don’t know what to do, say, feel. Beautiful day and grateful for y’all...

BraveSirRobin posted 6/7/2020 22:18 PM

I'm so sorry, JB. I've been impressed with your hard work, self-reflection and compassion here on SI. Although I obviously agree that it's every BS's right to call infidelity a deal breaker, I was really pulling for your R.

I hope that having clarity helps you and your wife find new paths to happiness.

JBWD posted 6/7/2020 22:33 PM

Thanks...

Yes, also grateful that she may feel some degree of certainty that helps her orient. The journey continues, still much I owe to so many.

RedeemedSinner posted 6/7/2020 23:39 PM

Sorry JB, I haven’t been around here long, but I think we all can feel the pain that each of us face through this struggle. It’s a brutal road that only those who have walked it can understand. And I mean that from both sides of this. I will not try to speak for a bs, because I can’t begin to imagine that side of it. Hope you hang around because your input is valuable to others.

hikingout posted 6/8/2020 10:51 AM

Hi JBWD,

I am sorry to hear this, I know it was not the outcome you were hoping for.

I think Limbo would be a painful place to stay for either of you, but I realize that with this answer comes great grief probably for both of you. It's forward though, and I encourage you to lean into new hopes, goals, and how you can be there effectively for her and the kids. There are still many, many, good times ahead and things to look forward to, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

Thissucks5678 posted 6/8/2020 19:34 PM

I just want to say that I’m sorry you didn’t get the results you wanted. I highly encourage you to look into that information on attachment for any relationship you may get into in the future. I know that’s probably not on your mind right now, but I think it might only help you in the long run.

Also, just to offer a glimmer of hope - my ex husband and I have a very good co-parenting relationship. We’ve done numerous joint birthday parties over the years. I don’t like him at all, he’s the only narcissist I’ve known up close and personal, but we make it work for our daughter. It seems like you and your BW might be able to have that kind of relationship as well (not saying at all that she doesn’t like you). It just really is nice for the kids if you can make it work.

I sincerely wish you the best and hope you can continue to heal and grow.

Justsomelady posted 6/9/2020 09:07 AM

I’m so sorry JBWD. I’ve really connected with a lot of your posts and have enjoyed reading your insights and following your path. I know it is not any outcome you wanted, but her kindness to you and the certainty bode well for the best possible outcome of a D scenario. Sending you strength and good wishes.

fooled13years posted 6/9/2020 09:24 AM

JBWD, it would appear as though your BW has finally reached acceptance of the situation

because she regrets nothing about our amazing experience

Every relationship has a mine, yours and our experiences and she seems to appreciate what you both had in the OUR experiences but could no longer live with the YOUR experiences.

I am sorry that it has come to this but now it is time for both of you to have your own MINE experiences again.

Good luck to all of you.

JBWD posted 6/9/2020 14:16 PM

Thanks Fooled13- I have developed a similar perspective.

Thanks to all- This is really really hard. Everything’s just so quiet now and while scary, I’m learning to rise to the challenge.

It makes grieving so much harder when you can still see who you lost. But I’m ever mindful that I actively lost her, and that’s a bell that can’t be un-rung.

This year and change has taken so much but also given me so much. And I appreciate knowing that I’ve given something to you all as well.