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TroubleNConfused posted 5/6/2020 19:20 PM

BS knows the whole timeline. He is so mad. just so angry and that is making him so mean. That is a side I have never seen in the 15 years we have been together. It is so hard to take and I don't know how to cope in the Quarantine. Sometimes he is sad and says hey I'm mad, and we need to work through things other times he is so mad, so mean, I don't know what to do. I don't want him to hurt but I caused it and I can't take it back. I wish I never did it. I just want to help as we are all we have during this virus.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/7/2020 00:09 AM

I'm sorry, Troubled. Telling him the truth was absolutely the right thing to do, but I understand how difficult and scary it is to see your BH behave in ways you never believed possible. Of course, that's exactly what he's going through, too -- discovering that the wife he thought he knew was actually a stranger, capable of acts and deception he never could have imagined.

By finally disclosing everything, you are sparing him from ever having to endure the shock of that discovery again. I am literally begging you not to hold anything back to protect him or yourself. Both BH and I chickened out on our respective first D-Days, and the consequences of that cowardice were exponentially more damaging.

Do you feel physically safe? Are there kids in the house? I don't want to underestimate the coronavirus, but it would be better to risk leaving for a short time than to have the conflict escalate to violence.

MrCleanSlate posted 5/7/2020 06:42 AM

Take a look at the first pinned post on the Wayward side - Things that every WS needs to know.

It may help you.....

TroubleNConfused posted 5/7/2020 08:06 AM

I am not in any physical harm and there are no children. The only harm I am in, is listening to every door slam, every yell, every cry. It hurts so bad and I caused it all. I don't know if I should leave but I fear that would take another choice away from him. It is also something I deserve for my actions. Running away is not the answer but I hurt so bad and so does he. I tried to talk with him yesterday and tell him I'm sorry and he was just so mean back. There is no comfort I can give him. Some of the things he says, I just want to yell back to defend our life, but I can't. I know I can't. I had an affair and I don't feel like I lost the happy moments with my BS. He has though and it hurts and I can't believe that our life together is washed away. I want him to be happy and feel closure. I want to give him everything he asks for but I don't have all the answers yet of myself. I am seeing a IC but that will take time and my BS is in so much pain right now. My first reaction is to always walk away and come back when our emotions calm down. That is not the answer. I don't want him to hurt. I am so sorry.

Zugzwang posted 5/7/2020 08:22 AM

If you leave he is going to be thinking you can't handle what you dished out, it will make it all about you and regret, and he will most likely think you are cheating again. If there is no physical harm and he didn't tell you to leave...don't.

What do you do when he does the venting?

Some of the things he says, I just want to yell back to defend our life,
What are they? What do you want to yell back. Sometimes a wayward perspective is really the wrong reality when it comes to fallout from Dday. For example. I love you. He is thinking, how can you. This isn't love. He is right. What you did isn't love. Our marriage is a sham. Yeah, it was. Especially if you manipulated him and lied about anything long after a Dday. It was a sham. Share it and we can help you see it his way or a different way. Well, a different way at least since the stop side is on and BS can't give their POV.

I want him to be happy and feel closure.
Of course you do. That isn't going to happen for a very long time if ever. There are no guarantees. At least he is finally in control of his life. That will count for something. That you gave him back control. Do you talk a lot about how this makes you feel to him? Stop and think if you sound regretful to him or are having a pity party for yourself to him. Be mindful of that. It is one thing to say, I feel horrible for the pain I caused you. It is another to say, how do you think I feel. I am this and that and I can't eat or sleep. I am sick. ...you make it all about you and not him. Be sure you aren't looking for him to make you feel good and comfort you too. I did that, though I didn't do it with my wife. Hence, AP2 became a sort of EA. My first APs boss. There was no way in Hell I was going to throw a pity party with my wife. She communicated quite fine that she was having none of it. I uttered it to her one time...how do you think I feel, this is hard for me too...she told me to pack my stuff and she can drop me off at my mother's or AP's house.

Is he in IC?

sundance posted 5/7/2020 08:44 AM

BS knows the whole timeline. He is so mad. just so angry and that is making him so mean. That is a side I have never seen in the 15 years we have been together. It is so hard to take and I don't know how to cope in the Quarantine.

Sometimes he is sad and says hey I'm mad, and we need to work through things other times he is so mad, so mean, I don't know what to do. I don't want him to hurt but I caused it and I can't take it back. I wish I never did it. I just want to help as we are all we have during this virus.

Validate your H's fears, hurts, etc. over and over and over again. and then do it some more.

Recovery is hard enough, but when you have an angry, vindictive bat-shit crazy-stalking AP spouse "biting at your heels" and undoing all your hard work, it's 1000x harder than it needs to be.

My advice is to ask your husband to join forces with you, and unite against both the AP/AP's spouse, and FIGHT with every once of your being to put a stop to the harassment. AP's spouse will likely not rest until she is certain you have suffered enough-- which may mean you need to lose your marriage, your career, your life, etc. for her to be satisfied.

Please seek legal advice.

As to MC and IC (can't remember if you said you were doing either of these?, and my computer won't let me scroll down), I recommend MC with a therapist that understands you are both wanting to save the marriage, and IC with a therapist that will work in conjunction with your MC's recommendations on healing the marriage as well as the self.

TroubleNConfused posted 5/7/2020 22:15 PM

Just listened to my BS for about 4 hours of him angry, sad, and incredibly mean things that I deserve every bit of. I should leave, he would be better off without me. He says he doesn't want me to leave but hates me because I'm not the woman he married. I understand every bit he said and know it's all true. Some things were more harsh but still true. I don't matter. He doesn't care about me. I'm a b*tch. yes, i am.....i did this awful thing. He can't trust me. I am in knots. I have no idea what to do. I'm shaking and sad and mad and time is standing still. He doesn't want to see our MC anymore, wants me to prove that I'm changing and he's not sure he will wait. So confusing. It's 70 degrees in my house and i'm sitting here shaking. He said I took his family away because the dogs love me more.

I read a quote once " people make mistakes, it doesn't mean they are bad people" Why do I believe him that I am the worst person to ever walk this earth. I can't believe i did this. Have I always been this f*cked up?

Jorge posted 5/8/2020 00:33 AM

Unless you're concerned for your physical health. He may need you shortly after initial shock wears off. It's so fresh for him and there's no reference guide, nor can one google how to cope with the information he's been given within the last 24 hours and beyond. No blue print exists.

It's during a storm does one sees how committed and caring a captain steers the ship. If you can focus on the intensity and depth of his pain (understanding and patience) and less if possible of how his pain is affecting you, then you can shine in the most difficult hour.

I've read of many successful wayward wives here. One common element of the recovery, was the wayward wife's ability to weather the initial storm. Unfortunately, he's had a few storms, so he's unsettled, uncertain and unbelieving he's in one again.

If you can take time to process an understanding of this, this alone may provide more insight into his pain and that's all he's spewing right now is pain. His pain comes from, humiliation and questioning a significant portion of his life, of which he greatly entrusted you with and unbeknownst to him, his heart in your hands didn't mean much, when in fact he thought you protected it with every once of your being.

He literally doesn't know what's up, down, left or right. His equilibrium has been rocked off center and it's an uncomfortable position to be. Stay the course. You've come this far, you might as well help repair everything that's broken, regardless of the future. That being yourself and his heart, confidence and faith in life in general.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/8/2020 06:09 AM

I read a quote once " people make mistakes, it doesn't mean they are bad people"

I think that people use quotes like these to help them justify their terrible behavior. The fact of the matter is that during an affair you are not a good person. Period. Does that mean thatís who you are as a whole? Not necessarily. You have the power to change the course you are on. You and you alone. You are at a fork in the road right now. You can continue on the path you have been on or you can change course and actually become the person you have been presenting to be.

Your husband thought he knew who you were. Right now, he has no idea. He will be watching every move and listening to every word to decipher whether you are simply a broken person that is willing to work hard to fix yourself or a monster. Right now while he is in shock and you are in protection mode there is no way of knowing which is which. It is your responsibility to figure that out. Who are you? Who do you want to be? How did you get here? And how can you make changes in your life to ensure you donít hurt him (or any other partner if you D) again?

First and foremost you will need honesty. Transparency. Willingness to talk for hours. Patience. Remorse. Empathy. You will need vulnerability. You will need to learn to put yourself out there and expose the things that you fear or are painful. You will have to be willing to be rejected by him in order survive this.

This is a long and difficult journey. It takes 2-5 years to heal. It takes a lot of stamina and you will need to be able to wade deep in the darkest corners before you can come out a better person. You will have to engage.

This will take strength and commitment. You have it, you just need to decide to tap into it.

Zugzwang posted 5/8/2020 10:20 AM

How long was the affair again? When was last contact? How did your husband find out?

Personally, I think during the affair and till we get our heads out of asses we are bad people. Bad actions makes us bad people. Doesn't matter that we are good in other areas of our life. IMO we are only as good as the ones we hurt. We are manipulative and cruel. Doesn't mean you have to be in the future.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 10:21 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 5/8/2020 20:29 PM

Have I always been this f*cked up?
For all of us, the answer is yes, though we didn't see it. If you're deceiving the person you promised to love and protect more than anyone else in the world, for some self-serving reason, there's something essentially wrong with you. There's something essentially wrong with me, too, so I'm not trying to pile on you by saying that. The first thing to accept is that this selfish cruelty is a fundamental part of who you are. If you cheat once, or a few times, or a few times a week, or a month, or for years -- however often you're actually doing it, the deception makes you a 24/7 cheater. It's not a part time gig. You are always that fucked up.

And there's usually a reason, or more often reasons, why. Reasons are not excuses or justifications. They don't make cheating okay. But they're still really important to find, because if you don't understand why you did it, you cannot prevent it happening again. You need to understand yourself in order to become a safe partner.

The good news is that you've found a great place to help you accomplish that. Yes, we can be pretty rough on each other. People can get volatile. But everyone here wants to see an end to infidelity, and here under the stop sign, no one can speak who hasn't been where you are now, asking "Was I always this fucked up?" The answer is always yes. The future doesn't have to be. I hope you'll stick around long enough to understand how badly we want to help.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/13/2020 15:20 PM

Hey, Trouble. Just checking in to let you know we're still here when you're ready.

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