Feelinglikethat posted 4/16/2020 08:50 AM

My BS is in a state of indifference to me and the relationship. He said he isn’t trying anymore. I understand why...i cant possibly process his feelings... but I can understand why he doesn’t want to try.

I did so many wrong things along the way. The affairs were discovered, I didnt confess to any of it. I spent the months afterwards studying and researching emotional abuse and what was wrong in the marriage to lead me to that place of loneliness, when in fact I should have focused on myself first and finding out my own problems. I cut all contact with my affair partners immediately when being found out. Nine months after the discovery of the affairs, I gave up all social media. I started posting here in December 2019 I believe. I wish I had found this place sooner.

I went to counseling and we tried marriage counseling too. Im not sure who to place the blame on for my counseling. I didnt lie to her about what i did, but for some reason she seemed to take my side and push into the emotional abuse aspect from my husband. I dont blame her for my continued defensive actions, because those are my own just as everything else. I feel like she wasnt a good fit bc she encouraged me to feel like a victim and i took her advice to heart.

My husband did agree to go back to therapy with me so we will do online therapy. This made me feel so happy.

I am having trouble with grieving through the hopes that I destroyed. I will never be able to say that we always loved each other, we were always there for each other. And thats my fault. I know what he is processing is even more and heavier than that. I hope he will try again with me. This indifference is killing me (again I made my bed so now i have to live with it), but at least when he hated me I knew there was some kind of emotion.

thatwilldo posted 4/16/2020 12:11 PM

Feelinglikethat,

You said:

I went to counseling and we tried marriage counseling too. Im not sure who to place the blame on for my counseling. I didnt lie to her about what i did, but for some reason she seemed to take my side and push into the emotional abuse aspect from my husband.

There are lots of lousy counselors out there. I tried three different counselors who, with varying reasons, were not helpful. You need to find someone who will help you to understand why you deceived your husband rather than speaking up for yourself. Are you passive and conflict-avoidant as many of us waywards are?

When was your DDay? In my opinion, it's too early for marriage counseling. You need individual counseling, but I sympathize with you in that it's hard to find a good counselor.

Have you read, How to Help Your
Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda McDonald. It's a great place to start.

Feelinglikethat posted 4/16/2020 12:26 PM

Dday was September 2018. He was in counseling too by himself. I need to return but with everything going on, its been too hard to make it work.

I haven’t read that book yet but I will now.

[This message edited by Feelinglikethat at 12:27 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]

thatwilldo posted 4/16/2020 14:56 PM

Good, it doesn't take long to read and it'll help you to see many of the ways you hurt your spouse. She gives detailed advice on how to take responsibility for your choices. It isn't easy to accept everything that she says, but , with time, you will. I cried through the first three readings of that book. It was a big eye-opener for me.

Also, I think, along with that book, SI and my BS have helped me more than anything.

I wish you strength.

gmc94 posted 4/16/2020 20:28 PM

There is a workbook my WH's CSAT recommended called help.her.heal. by Carol Sheets. It's aimed at WH, but I think it would apply to anyone.

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 20:52 PM

Maybe he is just plum worn out. Betrayal takes such a massive psychological and physical toll. Many cannot sleep or eat.
Might be best to just let him rest and try to get some semblance of normal y.

Stinger posted 4/16/2020 20:52 PM

Maybe he is just plum worn out. Betrayal takes such a massive psychological and physical toll. Many cannot sleep or eat.
Might be best to just let him rest and try to get some semblance of normal y.

Zugzwang posted 4/17/2020 10:11 AM

but I can understand why he doesn’t want to try.

I can tell your from experience with the Plain of Lethal Flatness which was the scariest time for me. Indifference does not mean your BS isn't trying. They are healing themselves. What will come out of it after they done? Up to you too. Are you working on you? They might not be trying to save the relationship anymore and that is due to 2 things. One it was always a deal breaker. Two, you aren't changing enough to be worth staying in a relationship with.

Let go of the outcome and start focusing on you. If you divorce, you still have to live with yourself. Are you happy with yourself? Can you do that?

When my wife hit that phase, I was able to stop focusing on damage control and look inward.

Maybe it is needed. Obviously a natural part of healing. Interesting. Sounds like a good post.

Feelinglikethat posted 4/17/2020 13:32 PM

I read the book yesterday evening and finished it this morning. Add this to the list of thing I wish I had known in the past (if that version of me would have even accepted it). I feel like at this point, which it might be too late bc i did all the initial steps wrong, I am now trying to follow these guidelines. I learned a lot of them here.

I do feel that there is some hope...myabe its wishful thinking or desperation, but I can feel it underlying everything. He did tell me that he isnt trying anymore and I know hes not making active efforts into me (again, my fault and I can understand why).

I am working on myself too. I have learned about some of those things in my childhood that have developed the defensive tendencies and my sensitivities. I have new (old but new again since I abandoned them for so long) hobbies...sewing, gardening, playing video games with our son. I am working on building connections in the sewing world...real healthy connections and not attention or validation seeking. I am happy that I know that I am working on putting my best self forward, one day at a time.

I continue to reach out to him. With love, affection, conversations about life or politics, listen to him, support him through this pandemic. Most of my attempts dont go anywhere but ill keep making them.

I know that I can only control ME and that ultimately the damage is done and i could do everything perfectly from here on out and its still up to him as far as reconciliation goes.

Main thing, I want him healthy, mentally. Whatever that takes. I know I am a reminder to his pain every time he looks at me (reminder and the source of course). So if that means its without me than thats okay. I want him alive.

Now time for the poor me part, Im so lonely in this phase. I went from lonely pre affairs to holy crap this is true loneliness. I have such anxieties from the pandemic bc I am a nurse. Its so hard to go through without someone to lean on ( in general life but especially now) and I understand that is my fault. But it really sucks. It sucks to cry myself to sleep at night without anyone.

Zugzwang posted 4/17/2020 16:20 PM

I am truly sorry it is that hard for you right now. Hopefully, there are other WS that are at the same junction that can lend you some healthy support. I bet you are probably too tired to even think about building yourself up and filling your emotional bucket with some things you enjoy doing.