Hi everyone, new here really need some advice; I just keep wondering if this will ever get better.
A little background:
I had a long distance EA with the same OP twice, there was a year gap between times we talked.
BH found out January 1 when I lost my phone. I trickle truthed thinking it would spare feelings. I ended up showing BH my conversation with OP the second time we talked including the pictures OP sent me. As far as our first conversation goes, I cannot retrieve it but there is a hacker friend of his from elementary school that has offered to retrieve it, plus give him complete access to all of OP's social media and accounts.
I ended things with OP immediately and BH and I decided to tell OP's BS about the A as well. It turns out OP had multiple A's and my telling the truth opened Pandora's box for them.
BH ended up finding an OP out of "fairness" but as of this point they did far more than I did including some physical stuff, but no sex. His OP contacted him on Facebook after he changed his status to single; they weren't friends and she admitted she was waiting for him to change his status.
BH has said many times that it's gone beyond fair and that he wants to end it and I can see that his OP has said some things that has genuinely made him think, but he keeps it open. BH admitted that he told his OP once that it was over, but picked things back up after we had a bad fight. The morning I found out about BH's A, he slapped me and threw food at me. He took a video of me crying on the floor, asking OP if I was attractive to him then and said he was going to send it to him. He never did, and instead ended up deleting the video.
BH also sent a long text to my OP as well as a mutual friend of mine and OP who encouraged the A, ending it saying that we would survive and thrive.
We went to therapy twice and it helped a lot, but after two sessions it got shut down because of COVID. They converted it to telehealth sessions but BH doesn't want to go anymore.
BH is always flip flopping about wanting to stay together, but deep down inside I feel like he still loves me.
He knows everything now, and I am fully commited to fixing this and I have been open and honest any time he wanted to talk or ask questions, I even offered to take multiple poly tests. About once a week BH just gives up and says he is done but a few hours later we are back to fixing things. I just want to make this right, more than anything; it's hard for me to take care of myself and our family because it's all I focus on.
A lot of the stuff BH says when we argue is hurtful but I am starting to wonder if it's true. BH lost his job in February because he took too much time off trying to talk things out with me and/or just because the pain of what I did was too much. I feel so bad that what I did has cost so much, it's become almost all consuming to me to fix this. I walk on egg shells and try to be the person that I was when we first met because this EA made me realize that I love my BH more than anything in this world. Its just so hard for me to ride this roller coaster of him wanting to fix things one day and then wanting to seperate the next.
We are both kind of stuck in this apartment together with our five year old son.
To top it all off, we found out last week that I am about 2.5 months pregnant (thanks hysterical bonding) and there's so much mixed emotions that it adds to the situation (we both agreed we want to keep him or her) we talk about it a lot and BH says we will be ok.
The best way he sums it up (after a particularly long and bad night) is like a person with dementia, he has episodes where he just wants to give up but he will eventually come back to me.
I find myself suppressing my feelings about his OP because it just brings up more excuses for him to point fingers. I'm not allowed to have these feelings about his OP because what I did was so much worse, but it feels to me, oftentimes, the same way I'm sure BH feels about my A.
The crippling doubt about whether or not I am good enough to make BH want to stay along with the guilt and shame that I feel over what I did to the love of my life and my family just consumes me daily, I've given up everything that used to make me happy because I just don't care about anything else.
I'm just so lost on where to go from here.
[This message edited by am452 at 7:31 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]