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Living on the edge

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achilles1101 posted 4/3/2020 23:15 PM

57 yo male here. the last few years have been rough. Work was bad, back and neck pain bad (finally got a spinal fusion), mother died, retired to take care of my declining father. Became his primary care giver. Was unable to help him as he just gave up, major guilt for me that I could not help him. While I was trying to settle the estate (not much) found out my wife of 18 years had been having a year and a half or more affair with a coworker during this time.

She confessed when confronted and seemed sincere,

She has tried to make things better, planning trip for us and the like.

thats real

However, she refuses to go to counseling as she is afraid someone at work will find out and has literally read one self-help article. She has supposedly told me about all contact with him, but I recently found out she failed to tell me about a non work contact with him, she said she was trying to protect me amongst other things.

UPDATE. so everyone doesn't have to read everything. I finally called OBS about 10 months post D Day. Found out the affair had been going on for about four and a half YEARS. So devastated again. But at least the truth finally came out. Lesson learned, contact OBS. Everything I thought I knew was a lie. She finally told me the truth I think. At least she told me things I would never know and were embarrassing for her

UPDATE AGAIN. Ok, maybe it is past time to address the elephant in my room.
My wife suffered non familial abuse as a child, reported and prosecuted. This left her with low self esteem, as a huge flirt and with a need for male attention.
When I said I thought I could fix her, what I meant was since I loved her I thought if I loved her enough, I could fill all the holes in her.
Hopefully this gives some insight on why I didn't go straight D, why I try to take some of the responsibility for the affair and why I think she is still a good person.
Her mom's perfect child was perfect because she overcame so much to do so much until now. Infidelity caused her mom to say that.
So maybe everyone understands a little more why things are even more difficult for me. I know I didn't cause any of it, but I swore to love , honor and cherish. I don't take that lightly even at my own expense.

stupidly, I ask should I end it?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:02 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

1lifeoflies posted 4/3/2020 23:33 PM

Is your wife still in contact with her affair partner? Are you sure that the affair has ended? Many times if they work together the affair continues.

Is he married?

achilles1101 posted 4/3/2020 23:42 PM

Yes she is still in contact with him, in a non work way. I caught her and she had a sad excuse for not telling me, when telling me and shutting it down would have proven something,

No I am not, I thought so and she told me it had but I am not so sure now.

Yes he is married and apparently had a two children during the affair

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:55 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]

1lifeoflies posted 4/3/2020 23:59 PM

Have you talked to the other betrayed spouse? Does she know? She should be told about the affair.

What about you, do you want to stay with your wife or is this a deal breaker?

achilles1101 posted 4/4/2020 00:07 AM

No I have not told her. Is that what I should do? I am conflicted about that. Ruining another family. I have heard it is important to survive this,

I wanted to but the last lie about not telling me about non work contact has me questioning that

achilles1101 posted 4/4/2020 00:15 AM

I do love her but question wether she is still faithfull

achilles1101 posted 4/4/2020 00:21 AM

as a practical matter how do I find out about her and how to contact her?

Marz posted 4/4/2020 00:34 AM

Sorry man but if they still have contact the affair is ongoing. All cheaters lie a lot.

As far as the other spouse. You have no idea what she might be going through. And not knowing why.

The quickest way to end an affair is to inform the other spouse. You didnít cause this. Wouldnít you want to know? Do not tell your wife a thing. They will conspire against you.

See if shes on face book? Or google he4 name. Itís a place to start.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:34 AM, April 4th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/4/2020 08:00 AM

You need to tell the OBS. You aren't ruining her family. Her CH already did that. You will be saving her.

I agree that her CW is still in the A. She shouldn't have any contact with the OM at all. I could understand forced work contact as long as it is unavoidable and she is actively looking for another job.

I don't understand non-work contact at all. IOW, she has been unnecessarily in contact with the OM socially, choosing to continue to have a relationship with him. She is still cheating.

You need to end something, whether it be your M or demanding that she cut all contact with the OM. Read up on the 180. Read the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair . Your CW should read it, too.

Or,don't do any of that and just leave. Can anyone leave now?

WilliamM posted 4/4/2020 12:50 PM

Yes, tell the AP's wife. Don't tell your wife you did it. And you wife really needs to quit her job if she wants to save the marriage. She needs counseling as well. It seems you have a regretful wife but not a remorseful one.

Okokok posted 4/4/2020 14:02 PM

I am conflicted about that. Ruining another family.

My advice is to read everything you possibly can here on threads related to telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse). It is the RARE (1 in 1000) situation where it's not the absolute best, most perfect thing to do. Everyone is generally very glad they did it and regretful they didn't do it sooner.

First, it generally immediately ends the A. Probably the most effective tool to do so. More often than not, the AP (affair partner) completely throws the WS (wayward spouse--in this case, your wife) completely under the bus and shuts her off completely.

Second, it wakes the WS up and then some. Their fantasy comes crashing down all around them.

Third, and probably most importantly: if you don't do that, you're actively participating in the betrayal of this poor other person. You wouldn't be ruining the family; you'd be at least salvaging part of it. You would feel like absolute shit if you knew someone knew and didn't tell you; don't do it to her.

as a practical matter how do I find out about her and how to contact her?

Look her up on social media. Figure out where she works. Use the internet. Do whatever it takes.

Do your best to make this an either in-person or via voice over the phone. You don't want to send a random text that she may not see or that AP (your wife's affair partner) may intercept.

Don't tell your WW (wayward wife) you're doing it; she'll just warn AP. Do it on your own. If WW finds out you did it, then you know she's still in contact with AP.

However, she refuses to go to counseling as she is afraid someone at work will find out and has literally read one self-help article.

These are the words and actions of someone still actively in the A. Sorry, but it's true. Truly remorseful WS's who are "trying" bend over backward and give 100% and then some to doing everything they can to save things. Instead, she's having secret conversations daily with this man. Still.

~

The really big question now. What do you really want from here? R (reconciliation) or D (divorce) are both options, but there are very clear, time-tested steps you need to take, beginning ASAP, to pursue one of those options (unless you just want things to stay exactly as they are).

If you think you want R...what would WW need to do for that to happen?

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:03 PM, April 4th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 4/4/2020 14:33 PM

She's still in an active A, here are some of the basics recommended here:

1) EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) without warning (very important). Nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, nothing, it eliminates the secrecy and typically replaces the "beautiful, excitement and romantic" aspect of it with pure shame and embarassment, the more she hates the A the more she will hate OM and the chances for a successful R will increase. Exposure also typically makes the OM drop the WW and throw her under the bus to save his own M, making the WW realize she was nothing but a convenient and free side piece of ass.

2) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), also a pregnancy test if needed.

3) Demand a written detailed timeline of the entire A, subject to a polygraph. Writing it down puts their huge betrayal in black and white and often helps with remorse (not just regret).

4) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, knowledge is power, remember she had an 1.5 year LTA and that typically involves "future planning with OM", you should be prepared in case R does not work. Ask your attorney about a post-nup.

5) Get a couple VARs (Voice Activated Recorder) and put one in her car and another in the bedroom, at this point you need to verify NC will take place.

6) Demand she quits her job immediately, tell her to send an NC FOREVER text to OM, shot and to the point (no sweet goodbyes).

7) Demand she goes to IC (Individual Counseling) to find out her whys, avoid MC at this point.

All these are steps to take if you want R, however she's still in contact with OM and therefore still in an active A, which makes R impossible at this point, right now you should EXPOSE to OBS, family and close friends TODAY and have her served D papers at work both without warning (D can be stopped at anytime if she comes around), if shock and awe don't bring her back to reality then nothing will, if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

achilles1101 posted 4/4/2020 23:17 PM

The thing that makes it strange is 99% of this took place at work, I mean everything. A few sexts after hours but she was very careful to conceal this. I hear what everyone is saying. We had a talk today, by text from within the same house. She raged that she made a mistake by not telling me about the contact with him and said I made a mistake by not confronting her immediately when I found out. I told her it was over and it went as you can probably imagine. I don't think I can do this any longer. Time to man up and do what I should have a long time ago. Thanks for all the advice

Marz posted 4/4/2020 23:24 PM

She raged that she made a mistake by not telling me about the contact with him and said I made a mistake by not confronting her immediately when I found out.

First of all it wasnít a mistake. She put a lot of time in the planning and execution of her deceit. It just didnít happen. It was a very conscious decision on her part. She knew exactly what she was doing.

This had nothing to do with you. Itís all on her.

Her attitude tells you that you have nothing to work with here.

Plus with the continued contact the affair is still ongoing.

Marz posted 4/4/2020 23:27 PM

Download and read ďNo More Mr Nice GuyĒ by glover

Itís a free pdf. Itís short and will help you a lot.

Marz posted 4/4/2020 23:28 PM

She has tried to make things better, planning trip for us and the like.

However, she refuses to go to counseling as she is afraid someone at work will find out and has literally read one self-help article. She has supposedly told me about all contact with him, but I recently found out she failed to tell me about a non work contact with him, she said she was trying to protect me amongst other things.

Typical self protection mode.

She raged that she made a mistake by not telling me about the contact with him and said I made a mistake by not confronting her immediately when I found out.

Bud, she didnít change a thing. Just tried to take it deeper undercover.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:30 PM, April 4th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 4/4/2020 23:32 PM

Yes he is married and apparently had a child during the affair

You need to inform his wife. For a nominal fee a PI could get you the info.

Itís hard to tell what sheís going through or how sheís being treated at this time.

achilles1101 posted 4/4/2020 23:36 PM

Just an aside but, she texted me a request not to tell AP, her family as it would affect her job and ability to live in the sf bay area, health care and that the kids want to stay here. Trying to guilt me into not doing the right thing

1lifeoflies posted 4/4/2020 23:37 PM

I reread your initial post but am not sure how long you have known about your wife's affair. You are probably still in shock, it takes time for the shock to wear off. Things will become clearer with time.

You have received good advice about telling the other betrayed spouse. In my case I didn't find out until years later, my gut was telling me something was wrong, however, when I finally found out I remember thinking to myself, oh shit, now I understand, now things makes sense.

Even though it was years later I called the other betrayed spouse and asked her if she knew, she said yes, but she was trying to save her marriage. I ended up living a lie for over 40 years. Don't do that to her.

Marz posted 4/4/2020 23:47 PM

Just an aside but, she texted me a request not to tell AP, her family as it would affect her job and ability to live in the sf bay area, health care and that the kids want to stay here. Trying to guilt me into not doing the right thing

Typical. You must help hide my affair? All that does/did was enable it further.

Maybe she should have thought about the consequences before she stepped out of the marriage, destroyed it and the family?

This is all about her trying to nice you into doing what she wants. Make no mistake you and the kids are no consideration.

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