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Would you/could you come clean knowing it would end?

Amilliondreams posted 3/27/2020 22:54 PM

I didn't have this particular struggle. Neither would anyone who was caught before they had that mental struggle.

But hypothetically... let's talk about a second affair happening post dday. Would you tell your spouse? Especially if you strongly suspected that it would be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage?

WontBeFooledAgai posted 3/27/2020 23:10 PM

"Hypothetically"? Really?

Yes, that person would need to tell, to give their spouse the agency to make decisions on their own life, knowing what is really up with their marriage.

Even the language "a second affair happening" is wayward. Respectfully, I brought that up as that phrasing really stood out to me. Affairs don't happen per se, there was a decision to get into one.

If somrone strongly suspected it would end their marriage, then why would one cheat again in the first place. Instead of asking for a divorce.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:41 PM, April 1st (Wednesday)]

sassylee posted 3/28/2020 02:12 AM

If a wayward was deciding they were going to engage in cheating again - they would need a wayward mindset which would indicate to me anyway, that they would likely not tell their spouse, unless they were hoping it would end the marriage.- an exit affair. If they didn’t want the marriage to end, they likely wouldn’t tell.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/28/2020 10:04 AM

I wouldn't suspect, I'd KNOW that a second affair would be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. More importantly, I'm afraid that it would be the nail in the coffin of my husband. He's worked so hard to come back from my betrayal, and I've worked so hard to convince him that he can trust me. It makes me nauseous to think of a situation where I'd be dumb and cruel enough to do anything that would put him through another D-Day.

I've had the experience of confessing while knowing that it could end the relationship, but not that it would. Waywards who confess instead of being caught or forced are unusual. I imagine it's even more rare for one to come clean knowing that it guarantees an unwanted divorce. Someone who had the integrity to do that would be more likely to end the marriage honestly before cheating again. At least that would show their spouse some respect.

jb3199 posted 3/28/2020 10:05 AM

If one was wayward enough to have an affair post d-day, then why on Earth would they tell?

Zugzwang posted 3/28/2020 11:29 AM

If one had a second affair, then they most likely blamed the marriage and never did any work on themselves.

Iamtrash posted 3/28/2020 16:37 PM

I ripped control out of my BH’s hands. I had an affair, causing him to lose control of his life. He had no choice in this.

If I chose to do this to him again, I would fully expect and even hope that he would never allow me to hurt him again. I saw what this did to him. He didn’t ask for it or deserve it. I already don’t deserve another chance, why would I be entitled enough to expect a 3rd chance?

Anyone that continues to engage in affairs after d-day never worked on themselves or changed. They are the same scum they were before they got caught/confessed to the first affair. Let your spouse go so they can quit living in false R.

bubba78 posted 3/28/2020 22:49 PM

I did. The affair was 100% my fault and I have to accept 100% of the consequences.
I could not make him live a lie and take away his right to make an informed decision about our marriage.
The affair was already a huge mistake, keeping it a secret would have been even more of a mistake.

eehamlet posted 3/28/2020 23:35 PM

If someone was stupid enough to put their partner through absolute hell that an affair that they had caused and still be able to continue the relationship the only way I could see a second affair happening would be if that person was a totally defective person or some kind of sociopath wanting to destroy their partner.

How can you advise someone without a conscience what to do? Do they really want to save the marriage or just cause their partner pain?

Hypothetically..... they should tell their spouse and then end the marriage because their partner deserves better even if they aren't strong enough to dump you.

kairos posted 3/29/2020 15:02 PM

Two questions:

"Would you tell if you had a second affair post-dday?"

"Should you tell ... ?"

That's the whole point of telling. Taking the new path of truth, of not hiding in the lies, means signing up for the hard work. I have a hard time believing someone who had the balls to tell the truth about the first (hopefully only) affair would ever do it again, because you would know it's so painful (for your partner).

The answer: you would because you should tell.

In my case, I hid my affair. The lie became so big, so infused in my compartmentalized life, I got to the point in which I felt I couldn't tell. This fear of brutal honestly about anything (like saying I was disatisfied about whatever) was part of the problem. Inability to confront one's feelings/truths and experiences is a root to more problems.

Tell the truth. Always tell the truth. Over and over until it hurts. And then again, until it doesn't hurt because finally you realize it's better, easier, and more aligned with your moral compass to just live authentically.

If my ex was reading this now, I would tell her that I missed this boat a long time ago. I should have let her inside from the very first day. I created a box that I lived in, and I never let anyone in, and she was outside that box. I felt like I wasn't getting what I needed because I kept her out a long time ago. Sorry, rant. Just reflecting. I'm adamantly pro-truth and always as soon as possible.

hikingout posted 3/31/2020 08:32 AM

Is this really hypothetical?

I confessed the first time on my own because I knew if the marriage had a shot, I had to be all in and I had to give him all the information. I think if I ever wanted to cheat again I would just tell him we need to get a divorce as I am incapable of being the things a wife needs to be. The affair was so damaging to him, the marriage, and to me...I can’t fathom wandering down that road again for anything. Anything would seem to be a better idea, even divorce. If you have done it again I think you need to be truthful with yourself about what you want and value in life.

If it’s a situation where you haven’t confessed to all the affairs of the past I would say I am not sure you can heal and grow from a wayward mindset. We are as sick as our buried secrets.

kairos posted 3/31/2020 11:29 AM

ditto to Hikingout. I'm not sure this is even hypothetical. If you go through the process of confessing (fully, all details) one time, I'm not sure how a person could ever allow themselves to make such a terrible choice again.

But more to the point, of course you would tell your spouse, even if it destroyed the marriage. TBH, even asking this question smells a little like wayward thinking. But if you're just being rhetorical, trying to iron out other possibilities?

MrsWalloped posted 4/1/2020 07:12 AM

I agree with the poster who said that the question itself is wayward. An affair doesn’t just happen. And a second affair after having gone through the devastation of one DDay already is one of the most destructive things you can do. It’s a choice to harm yourself, your spouse and your family. We have some amazing WS’s here who confessed. But most don’t.

The question is actually a little weird to me. It’s like a cold and calculated thing. Like, I went out and had a second affair as if it was in the same category of buying an expensive pair of shoes. “Would you tell your spouse?” How does this happen? You go through a whole process and have an affair and then it’s a “whoopsie” kind of thing? My husband will be so upset. Should I tell him? It just sounds so flippant. Real life doesn’t work like that.

WilliamM posted 4/1/2020 09:21 AM

Did you have a second affair and are now wondering if you should tell your husband? What is your goal for asking such a question? Is it truly a hypothetical question or are you contemplating having a second affair? Does that also mean that you have met the new AP and you are in an EA right now?

DigitalSpyder posted 4/3/2020 21:55 PM

But hypothetically... let's talk about a second affair happening post dday. Would you tell your spouse? Especially if you strongly suspected that it would be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage?

You knew it would probably end when you made the choice that you did.

What do you gain by obfuscating the truth? A day, week, month?

In this situation you've already made the decision to end the relationship. Why draw things out and risk further damage?

Amilliondreams posted 4/4/2020 02:04 AM

I havent. It's a true hypothetical. As my husband and I are both past wayward, I only have his words and actions and my own experience to pose it against.
I have noticed a vagueness and disconnect and its forced my brain to run the hypothetical situation of if I was doing this again, how would I be acting. I always question though how others would think.

Zugzwang posted 4/4/2020 09:14 AM

??? What??? So, you are wondering if your husband is cheating again?

2timesunfaithful posted 4/4/2020 14:21 PM


But hypothetically... let's talk about a second affair happening post dday.

You would avoid this by being a better person, not allowing a distance or vagueness or withdrawing to occur again in the first place. That would be the final stake in the heart of the marriage, there is no suspecting or doubt about it.

If you have any long term memory as a wayward, hooding your BW or BH while they cried, devastated by your actions, must cure you once and for all. Or you are a textbook narcissist, who can't work on themselves.
(amd- to be clear, I'm not saying this about you, just in general for someone not getting it.)


WontBeFooledAgai posted 4/4/2020 16:13 PM

I havent. It's a true hypothetical. As my husband and I are both past wayward, I only have his words and actions and my own experience to pose it against.
I have noticed a vagueness and disconnect and its forced my brain to run the hypothetical situation of if I was doing this again, how would I be acting. I always question though how others would think.

This question itself is still quite wayward.

Well, you could be taking steps in the meanwhile to make sure that you don't **make the decisions** where you put yourself in an affair. I hope your husband is doing the work to make himself safe.

If your marriage truly isn't working, then maybe that means divorce.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:14 PM, April 4th (Saturday)]

Zugzwang posted 4/4/2020 17:16 PM

not allowing a distance or vagueness or withdrawing to occur again in the first place.

Or even better, not allowing it to make you feel like making the same choices when it happens. Part of changing also means that such things that happen in every marriage at some time or another as the other person who is a human being and at times focusing on their own things wouldn't make you feel like it is so horrible for you. You should be enough for yourself at this point that if your spouse does this...you aren't reacting with speculation or hypotheticals. Instead thinking- "do you need help with something, I feel you drawing away?" not freezing up and withering without attention.

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