Iamtrash posted 2/21/2020 21:12 PM

I threw my marriage away for a loser. Someone I refused to believe was a loser. Someone that never deserved my attention. I lost every ounce of trust I had in my marriage. I hurt the one person that never deserved any of this pain. None of it was worth my stupid ass affair.

I literally crushed my BH’s existence to toss myself into a dumpster fire. I threw away every ounce of respect he had for me an every ounce of self-respect I had for myself. What the actual f***!? What was the point of so much self-destruction and taking everyone I care about down with me? (Rhetoric question.)

I’m really struggling with the reality of what I did. My BH is amazing. Better than I deserve. He continues to tell me I don’t deserve everything that happened as a result of my affair. (Of course, yes. I deserve the repercussions for what I did. He just is able to draw the line at some things. Things I’ve yet to accept as not my own fault. I struggle to weed out things that weren’t necessarily deserved. I feel like it’s all one big natural consequence of having an affair.) I will never understand how he can still love me. I’m thankful. Truly. But I find that his love, while appreciated, hurts. It’s a conflicting feeling. Being thankful while feeling undeserving. I’ve ruined his life, his reality, and he can still feel love for me. That speaks volumes for who he is. Why was I too blind to always see this in him? (Also rhetoric.)

Blah. Thanks for listening.

EvolvingSoul posted 2/21/2020 21:28 PM

Hi IAT,

Sorry you're hurting. I've been right where you are. It does get easier to bear, but I don't know if the cringe factor ever goes completely away. I had a small bout of it this morning when I was thinking about the last trip I took to be with AP. We were in Las Vegas at that fountain with the dancing waters outside the Bellagio and it was playing and dancing to "Time to Say Goodbye". I heard that song this morning and it got me thinking that it was weirdly prescient because it was about a week later that BS issued me an ultimatum about keeping this "friend" in my life. As I remembered more details from that trip I just...crumpled up inside with self-disgust. Earlier on in the process, that would've sent me down the rabbit hole or running for booze or food or something else to numb me out. This morning I just let it be felt and offered up a prayer of gratitude for the changes I've undergone since then and for BS's willingness to give me a chance. It's grace. We don't deserve it, you're right. But that's the nature of grace. We don't deserve it, but we can accept it with humility and gratitude.

You're going to be okay. Stay the course, sister.

Lucky77 posted 2/23/2020 06:38 AM

Our A's are so different.
Our A's are so similar.

This

I’m really struggling with the reality of what I did.

There's so much shock in Wayward behavior. I had a strong 25 year marriage going. And then I became really wayward. For years. Why? I have no idea. My wife is amazing. I'm still in shock.

hikingout posted 2/23/2020 09:07 AM

I know that feeling. As evolving said, stay the course. It can get better and if you keep working on yourself it will. It takes time. Remorse can be overwhelming and for me it meant I would dip back into shame. If you keep doing the work you will eventually come to the realization that you are not that person anymore. That it’s okay to have some self compassion. It takes time.

2timesunfaithful posted 2/23/2020 10:07 AM

IaT,
I'm right there with you, so you are not alone.
I threw away my marriage for a gutter dweller, etc. About as low class a person as you could imagine.
Upon introspection (where was that 5 years ago?) I'm revolted at myself, and my actions. I cringe when I think about my AP, it was heinous what I did to my wife. My wife had/has low self esteem, and in my unlimited stupidity, picked someone who was a stripper, because she was the opposite of my wife. All that glitters is not gold. Glitter was just covering trash.

Regarding inner beauty, which is what truly matters for the worth of a person, my wife is incomparable. I do not deserve her, and am always grateful for her and remind her, just not as often as I should. Her grace speaks volumes, even though I ruined her, I still wake up every morning reach over and feel her next to me, and am thankful.

The AP is the ugliest person I have encountered in my messed up life, and lacks any hint of integrity, yet there I was 5 years ago, in a WH fog, unable to see what was beneath.

Vent heard, thank you posting.