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Feels unbearable

RedeemedSinner posted 2/18/2020 20:09 PM

Thinking about the pain my actions have caused my wife and kids. Constantly thinking of how I’ve ruined the picture of happily ever after she envisioned. I know what she is feeling is worse, but this is excruciating. I hear stories of BSs who want to work it out, but I keep wondering why can’t we do the same? That may be selfish, but just how it feels right now. Sorry for this rant, but just feeling so alone and looking for someone to understand what this is like. Thanks for any advice in dealing with this pain.

[This message edited by RedeemedSinner at 8:28 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

JBWD posted 2/18/2020 23:20 PM

The only advice I have is one foot in front of the other. Asking “why” is something your BW is doing as well, as you’ve acknowledged. Regardless of R or not, there’s likely a load for you to shoulder, and those responsibilities may be the only things you can take comfort in right now.

You need to grieve so cry when you need to.

We’re here, you can talk about anything you need to. The weight of what you’ve done is heavy but we can help if/when you need it.

foreverlabeled posted 2/19/2020 06:05 AM

No, I understand what you are feeling. It may come from a place of selfishness but also pain. We don't think ahead and understand the full spectrum of consequences.

I can remember in the first year or so wanting so much of what I saw in other BSs here to be found in my own. It did me no good to compare, so my advice is to accept what is in this moment. Stay in the present and be proactive in your healing.

This may be your own doing but pain is pain, and its still a loss to grieve. I know it hurts.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 2/19/2020 06:47 AM

Welcome to SI.
When you are ready, try sharing some of your story. It will help us give you more specific advice.

Lucky77 posted 2/19/2020 06:55 AM

As a culture we don't have any great way to punish adulterers. When I was at your stage that's what I felt. I wanted punishment. If I could only "do my time", then I could be absolved of my horrible act. I literally spent significant time on my knees. Trying to find a way out of the pain. Or at least an explanation for why I chose to betray my spouse so badly.

A video that provided me a morsel of comfort was "The Passion of the Christ Whipping Scene - Third Day" (warning.....a bit rough but its what I needed).

RedeemedSinner posted 2/19/2020 07:12 AM

Thanks for the replies. It is encouraging to hear from those who understand these feelings. The way y’all describe them is spot on. I now feel the weight of not only the pain and disappointment in my wife, but also my kids. Which is a weight that I should feel I guess, but at the same time I know I will have to release at some point to heal. Lucky I do know that movie scene and I remember watching it in the movie theater when it came out and hardly being able to stand watching it. One foot in front of the other is exactly how it feels. Hard to rely on anything further than that. I just keep hoping for a second chance.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/19/2020 09:26 AM

I just keep hoping for a second chance

Hope isn't going to make anything happen.

We're all here because we cheated on our spouses and are dealing with the fallout of our infidelity. For some of us we have put in a lot of effort to become better people and in turn some of us have reconciled with our spouses as a result, for others it is a personal growth process.

As a first step go to the top of the Wayward Forum and read the first (and only) pinned article. That will be a start.

There's lots of experience here and we are all willing to offer support, but you need to be able to open up and share with us. Tell us a bit about how you've found yourself here, and what help you are looking for.

JBWD posted 2/19/2020 10:05 AM

It’s fine to feel that weight for your kids- But at some point in their lives they’re likely to understand/learn about what you did. And that was when I thought about the two roads I could take- Did I want them to remember

1) “Oh yeah that was when Dad completely gave up and let his shitty choices swallow him and his shitty life.”

OR

2) “Oh yeah that was when Dad faced his shitty choices, fixed the broken shit inside himself, and gave Mom and us the love that he always had.”

We can’t be externally motivated, but thinking of what option #2 teaches them as opposed to #1 is a hell of a motivator when I think about “how hard I have it.” There’s a line between rugsweeping and wallowing, and the only way we find it is by crossing it back and forth. In the meantime go easy on yourself when grief interrupts.

hikingout posted 2/19/2020 10:16 AM

I am sorry that you are in pain. As mentioned earlier, it would help to know more information. How far out are you from DDAY? It sounds like your wife is considering or beginning separation or divorce. How old are the kids? How long was the A?

It DOES hurt. I think remorse is way harder than regret or guilt to deal with. Regret or guilt are how you feel about your own actions. Remorse is when you feel how much damage you have done to your wife/family and how much your actions have impacted them. Your words are more in that vein and that can be overwhelming.

Are you in IC?

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