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Hurting And still don't know the full story

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MountainT posted 2/2/2020 21:46 PM

Almost two weeks in and the lying and the confessions keep coming. Every lie,omission and confession hurts. I have a counselor to help and a different marrage consler but could use more help. Does anyone know were I could find a support group for men who's Wife cheated or even better a support group for spouses acting out sexually from prior abuse.


sorryforeverythi posted 2/2/2020 21:59 PM

Hi MoutainT,
I am sorry that you are going through this, it sucks. The not knowing and the trickle truth are a bitch.

This is a pretty good resource from my experience. I have gotten most all my questions answered and found a lot of great people willing to talk to me here.

Ask your therapist about live support groups. I did an internet search but didn't find any in my area but not knowing where you live there might be some around there or your therapist might know if there are.

I would need to know the whole story thus far to offer any support but as I said there are some great people here and I can almost guarantee what ever you are going through there are probably a few people that had a very similar experience.

Stay strong, post often, take care of yourself, sleep, eat, drink lots of water and stay away from alcohol and drugs.

MountainT posted 2/2/2020 22:15 PM

Thanks for the note. I live in the Chicagoland suburbs, around Orlan Park, Tinely, Oak Forest, Palos area. I don't really want advice on what to do. I more want to just tallk and ask ask questions.

I'm looking for any good resources in the area. This is an all hand on deck kind of situation for me.

Luckly I have an employeer that gave great insurance. Unlimited for the family so I'm fairly good on advice but I would really love some support. I'm trying to keep the family together. My boys are 11 and 13 so I want to stay a family. If I make the wrong move the family could split apart so I'm mainly looking to let off steam in a nondestructive fashion so I don't get angry and lose it.

sorryforeverythi posted 2/2/2020 22:26 PM

Yeah I used to live in Hinsdale and there weren't any near me but maybe closer to the city.

I don't really want advice on what to do. I more want to just talk and ask ask questions.

That seems counter-intuitive but it's your life.

I would guess that you don't want advice because you know what the advice would be.

Your boys, while important, aren't the relationship that you need to be worrying about, if their mother is not being faithful to you then having a mother and father that can't stand each other will do more damage to them for the long haul, and they don't really have a vote.

It's your life though.

In the upper left is yellow box, click on the healing library and there are lots of articles and resources there that you can look at.

Minnesota posted 2/2/2020 22:37 PM

I attended BAN (Beyond the Affairs Network) meetings in the Twin Cities and it was helpful. There were a mix of men and women. BAN is a national organization and they probably have a chapter someplace near you.

I found it helpful.

And I completely understand the not wanting advice. So I'm not going to give any. But feel free to PM me if you want.

You're not alone.

rambler posted 2/2/2020 23:15 PM

You are new and in the denial state. Do not run sweep.

I am out that way too having left the city a number of years.

The1stWife posted 2/3/2020 06:15 AM

We are here to listen and offer support. Really really helpful place.

It can help save your sanity when you realize others have been down this road.

Many here deal with sex addictions in their marriage, drug and alcohol addictions, childhood abuse, mental health issues etc. Basically we have seen it all.

steadychevy posted 2/3/2020 06:50 AM

Google "beyond affairs network". On the top banner is a button for finding a group near you. Just follow through each page to get to your state and city.

I went to two different BAN groups in a nearby city. They were a mixture of men and women - more women in the first and more men in the second. I had to drive 2 hours one way for these groups and it was worth it.

I, too, desperately wanted to save my marriage. Married 36 years when I found out about the LTA. I couldn't believe this could be happening in my marriage when we had so much going for us. I'm legally separated and will be divorced soon. Lots of lies, TT, I don't know, I can't remember, justifications, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc., etc.

I would not recommend marriage counselling. With marriage counselling the marriage is the patient. Too often there will be attempts to rugsweep, minimize and blameshift which further traumatizes the BS. I would say IC is very important.

If you keep going to the MC make sure you do not take on any responsibility for the adultery. The adultery is 100% on the back of the WS. There is some proportional sharing of responsibility for any marital issues but not with adultery. Don't allow any marital issues to shift blame for the adultery back onto you.

I'm so sorry you are here but it is the best club you never wanted to join for the situation you're in. The goal is to get you out of adultery whether you stay together with your WW or end the marriage. It takes 2 to 5 years to heal after the adultery has ended whether you R or D. A long and shitty road full of potholes and detours.

I suggest getting the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald for your WW. You should read it also so you know what a remorseful spouse looks, acts and talks like.

Again, so sorry for the reason you are here.

Tigersrule77 posted 2/3/2020 07:28 AM

If I make the wrong move the family could split apart so I'm mainly looking to let off steam in a nondestructive fashion so I don't get angry and lose it.

YOU didn't make the wrong move, your WW did. It is not on you to fix this.

I can respect what you are trying to do. I did the same. However, the down side of making your focus "saving the family" is that it is very easy for your WW to avoid consequences, because you don't want to push her too hard or it's too hard for her to deal with.

You need to shift your focus. Protecting your FAMILY is great, but make the focus yourself and your kids. Your WW needs to take steps to fix herself and show you that the marriage is a priority for her.

MountainT posted 2/4/2020 08:27 AM

Thanks everyone for the response. I will try to find a BAN support group. I also liked the comment about protecting the family instead of saving. Thanks also for the kind words and other advice. It makes a lot more sense.

I really laid laid into her last night and we are also taling a break from the MC.

She and I are both going to IC. She says she is going twice a week but we will see. If she doesn't go or make progress I'm going to leave it's that simple.

I think I got the full story last night and it's crazy. Over the past 9 years she met up with around 11 guys and fucked most of them. She sent 100s of dirty emails flirty and having fun with the kids and I around. It's just so hard to comprehend. It was just so evil, it's hard to believe someone I love could do something so awful.

Then she left and blamed me for the marrage falling apart. It's just so disgusting.

DBFool2019 posted 2/4/2020 08:51 AM

Hi MountainT,

So sorry you're here sir.

I have a counselor to help and a different marrage consler but could use more help.

You may want to hold off on the MC portion if she is still seeing the AP.

JS84 posted 2/4/2020 08:56 AM

Might be a bit early for marriage counseling at this stage if you're only two weeks in. Especially if she's still lying and trickle truthing.

Also Homewood/Flossmoor/Matteson area here.

Just read your last response. You might want to try talking to a few divorce attorneys to understand your options. And if you have any type of joint bank account maybe think about removing your half.

[This message edited by JS84 at 9:00 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here posted 2/4/2020 09:09 AM

People donít realize that women can be sex addicts just like they can be gambling addicts or alcoholics or drug addicts.. This sounds very much like a sex addiction and she needs an entirely different kind of therapy. Also, you need to be very aware of how hard this addiction is to give up.

KingofNothing posted 2/4/2020 09:14 AM

Over the past 9 years she met up with around 11 guys and fucked most of them. She sent 100s of dirty emails flirty and having fun with the kids and I around.

Sir, she has my ex beat, and that's saying something. I do not recommend MC at this stage. She has some fundamental problems with respecting boundaries, judgement, and awful decision making. You already know this, from your comments. This is her own character shining through at last.. she can't hide it any more. She IS like this. You already have knocked her off that pedestal, and that's good. I say this without malice-- she really wasn't that special. We've seen this before. She's a wife who decided that fucking a bunch of guys outside of marriage for her own selfish reasons was acceptable. It's never a big romance when you say it like that, is it? Not a "soulmate" in sight.

I commend you for seeking out resources and trying to patch things up, but I would recommend you take a long, slow look at the rest of your life now... in the instance of her doing everything YOU require to reconcile. First of all, why are you doing it? If the answer is ONLY "for the kids".. I recommend you think on that for a while. You can co-parent happily enough. People do it all the time. So.. what's the attraction? I can only speak for me here.. in your shoes, I would not accept this level of betrayal. She destroyed your marriage without even giving this a second thought. She's deceived you for years.. years! Do you really think she's committed to being in this marriage any more? She holds it in contempt, and holds YOU in contempt. A real remorseful spouse wouldn't blame shift and gaslight like she's doing.

You are a much nicer guy than I am, to give her this gift of R this soon after discovery. I would advise waiting on that decision.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Dorothy123 posted 2/4/2020 09:15 AM

Moutian, you have been given good advice.

So sorry that you are struggling.

One day a time.

Sending you a safe hug.

Marz posted 2/4/2020 09:19 AM

Then she left and blamed me for the marrage falling apart. It's just so disgusting.

With her attitude you have nothing to work with.

You canít do anything by yourself

MountainT posted 2/4/2020 10:14 AM

To all, I really live my wife and will think about leaving ok. Please don't bash her. It really hurts. Believe me I have thought about this bad stuff also but I'm trying not to be rash. I also want to do the right thing so I'm taking it slow. I don't mind words of encouragement but please no bashing. It's just not me and I don't like giving in to hateful thoughts. Believe me that I'm going to therepy twice a week to protect myself.

nekonamida posted 2/4/2020 11:01 AM

Mountain, no one has bashed your WW. There's a difference between a judgement (bashing) and a FACT. Your WW cheating more than King's is a fact. Your WW being a serial cheater is a fact. Your WW acting unremorseful when she does things like:

Then she left and blamed me for the marrage falling apart. It's just so disgusting.

Is a fact. And it's also a fact that R is NOTORIOUSLY difficult with a serial cheater and is completely impossible with a cheater who won't take full accountability for their cheating and sincerely commit themselves 110% to fixing themselves and the marriage. Your WW just isn't there yet and it's not clear if she ever will be if she seriously believes she has any leg to stand on to blame you for the state of the marriage when she's had 11 PAs and countless EAs with who knows how many OM.

Pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Ask your IC about boundaries and whether you could be codependent. Even if we did say bad things about your WW, WHY would it bother you? Could it be because YOU feel attacked when your WW is attacked? That would mean you have trouble separating your ego from hers which would explain your hyper sensitivity about anything said about your WW despite it not even coming close to bashing. That's a huge problem and is going to cause you whole lot of issues even if she does become remorseful and you R with her.

YOU are not defined by HER actions. YOU are not responsible for HER behaviors. HER bad behavior is not a reflection of YOU. And you are also not to blame for the bad choices she has made.

The1stWife posted 2/4/2020 11:20 AM

Most of us here really love or loved our cheating spouses. We all hoped we could reconcile and stay together.

Unfortunately it doesnít always work out that way. I donít want to be offensive against your wife but she has cheated on you numerous times.

Can she turn this around and make amends and keep your marriage together? Absolutely but only if she really wants to and is invested in the marriage and you. And your family. And she addresses her issues and why she chose to cheat.

I hope she is on the same path as you. I hope she sees what a gift she is being handed and what a great guy you are for wanting to stay with her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:22 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

MountainT posted 2/4/2020 11:22 AM

I hear what you are all saying and your right. I think she is trying to take the full blame but she isn't there yet. I think in her mind she is taking the full blame but she really isn't.

The thing is there was abused when she was a child and teenager. It was bad enough to really have and effect on her. I REFUSE FOR HER TO BLAME AND WILL KICK HER OUT IF SHE BLAMES ME FOR THIS. But what do I do if she blames the abuse?

By the way is there a guide for the abrevations somewhere?

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