This is a great post, thanks for starting it hikingout!
Self-love and self-respect are at the heart of pretty much all advice I give these days, because I feel that it almost always boils down to that exact reason we cheated, no matter what the actual circumstances surrounding it were. People who have self-love, self-respect, and healthy boundaries and coping skills, don't have affairs. The two are pretty much mutually exclusive.
I struggled with this for a long time as well. My therapist kept saying that I needed to learn to love myself and take care of my own needs in life. However, wasn't having an affair, in essence, me taking care of my own needs as well? How could what I did wrong also be what I needed to do in order to change? It made no sense to me.
Here is what I eventually came to understand about self-love and selfishness (off the top of my head)
Self-love should never intentionally harm others. Selfishness is at the expense of others.
Self-love is about how you treat yourself. Selfishness is about how you treat others.
Self-love is about creating healthy boundaries. Selfishness is about lacking boundaries.
Self-love is based on love and respect. Selfishness is based on greed and need.
Self-love makes us feel whole, complete. Selfishness leaves us feeling empty, incomplete.
Self-love can sometimes be sacrificial. Selfishness requires others to sacrifice for us.
Self-love is a gift we give ourselves. Selfishness is always taken from others.
Self-love requires patience, understanding and forgiveness. Selfishness requires a lack of the same.
Self-love involves knowing and understanding ourselves. Selfishness focuses on needs without understanding.
Self-love never involves shame or anger. Selfishness brings shame and anger.
Self-love sometimes comes at a cost to the soul. Selfishness puts the price on others.
Self-love means finding value in one's self. Selfishness seeks value externally to oneself.
Self-love means putting our integrity first. Selfishness removes all integrity.
Self-love means honoring oneself by maintaining healthy boundaries. Selfishness has no respect for others.
Self-love grows and makes us stronger. Selfishness weakens us and traps us.
Self-love can sometimes make us sad or hurt, because sometimes integrity means not having the things we want, however that same self-love makes our own self-worth greater in order to compensate and make us stronger. Selfishness tricks us into feeling fulfilled but always comes at the expense of others, and ultimately, makes us weaker and less able to withstand future challenges.
We can only love others when we first love ourselves. Selfishness prevents us from loving others because it puts the self first in all things.
[This message edited by DaddyDom at 12:16 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]