"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JBWD posted 1/29/2020 10:16 AM

I agree with Hiking, getting this out is good.
I have a guess as to why you stopped meetings, especially in light of describing how you spent your adolescence- Comes to one word: Control. I think this meeting where you felt so much better might be you reorienting and coming back to a place that reiterates that there is a lot beyond your control, BUT that there’s a lot of wonder and joy in that.

You developed a desire to control because it was hard wired and all you knew to do when you were vulnerable. I think that it’s a natural progression of how your FOO conditioned you to view your interaction with the world. No it’s not a justification, but as you begin to understand that you’ll better understand the impulses that arise and look similar in the future, and I think better walk the distortions back before you get to the point of acting.

Neanderthal posted 1/29/2020 14:00 PM

I think that will also help you understand Lifedestroyer more as well

I believe I do. I empathize with a lot of it....but not all. Maybe that's due to the pain her affair has caused me. Its still too raw.

I have a guess as to why you stopped meetings, especially in light of describing how you spent your adolescence- Comes to one word: Control.

I'm still not really sure why I stopped going to AA years ago. I know I don't like being told what to do. So someone throwing a 12 step process in my face and saying: "Do this or you will fail", really makes me want to turn away.

Its ironically funny. I am currently angry at my wife for not following the path thrown at her here. I just finished reading: How to help your spouse heal from an affair. While reading it, I was thinking WTF is her problem? The roadmap to surviving this together is right here! Why couldn't she just fucking do it! Then here I am posting about my infidelity from years ago. Pot calling the kettle black I suppose.

I was trying to offer her my support. Pushing her to ask questions and listening to her concerns. Continually apologizing for my actions and how I hurt her. I am trying to play catch up. I am so many years behind helping her heal.

Then this morning happened and I was triggered hard. My first response was to lash out and make someone else hurt. Anyone, everyone! I didn't want to feel empathy anymore. I wanted to just hate her. I want to do something selfish and do something that makes me feel good. I know that's me regressing to my old ways of coping. I'm not going to let that way of thinking control me. Its destructive, and there's enough damage everywhere.

Instead I'll take my daughter to dinner and celebrate my birthday. Maybe put myself to sleep by reading the twelve steps and twelve traditions book.

Zugzwang posted 2/1/2020 08:57 AM

Then this morning happened and I was triggered hard. My first response was to lash out and make someone else hurt. Anyone, everyone! I didn't want to feel empathy anymore. I wanted to just hate her. I want to do something selfish and do something that makes me feel good. I know that's me regressing to my old ways of coping. I'm not going to let that way of thinking control me. Its destructive, and there's enough damage everywhere.

Instead I'll take my daughter to dinner and celebrate my birthday. Maybe put myself to sleep by reading the twelve steps and twelve traditions book.

It isn't absolute regression. At least you see it and acknowledge. Hard part is changing wanting to cause pain when you are in pain. Chances are if you treating her like that..your daughter may see it. You don't want to model that behavior to her. You don't want to be treating her mother that way. You don't want her to see that treating women that way is acceptable. Find something healthy to make you feel good. Stop looking for a quick fix and instant gratification to get out of pain and anger.

Neanderthal posted 2/1/2020 09:34 AM

I was triggered by my wife's affair, affair season, and really bad comment by my wife. My wife wasn't present when it happened. I was at work and just kept my distance from others. So at least my daughter didn't get the brunt of my anger and frustration.

LD and I have since discussed what happened.
I have a hard time figuring out if my emotions and actions are wayward driven or betrayed based.

Photo booth bullying update:
I emailed the arena staff and they are sharing my email with management. I gave specifics and apologized for my actions. They are going to try and find that employee and share my apology with her. I gave them my contact info in case she or anyone there had something to say to me. I intend to pay for the photo, but they haven't told me how to pay them yet. Hopefully I'll hear from them next week.