@Neanderthal,
There are some things you said, things which may feel rather small at the moment, or perhaps negated by other things you've said... but these are things that held me back for years in my recovery. So I'd like to point them out to you. Not to be mean to you, but in the hope that maybe I can save you and your spouse even a little pain.
I don't believe I am the same man that did those terrible things years ago
This one small phrase had me stuck with my head up my ass for years, and prevented me from making any "real" progress. I knew what to say, what to do, even what to think, but because I didn't "feel it" and "accept it" in my heart and soul, it negated everything else. The one thing I think we must all come to full terms with is who we are, and sadly, who we are is a combination of how we live our lives today, and how we lived our lives in our past. You said a lot of good things above, and as hikingout pointed out, things such as "I want to learn to love myself" show that you understand what's needed here, even if you are still on the path to getting there.
The problem is, we ARE the same people who did all those terrible things years ago. And if we are really honest with ourselves, we've probably shown similar tendencies (lies of convenience, ignoring the truth, using others to make us feel special, manipulating others to get the outcomes we want) for many years before that. Moving forward, you may develop the love and patience of a saint and live your life with meaning and purpose. But you will still be the guy that cheated on his wife before he made those positive changes in his life. Again, I don't say this to hurt you in any way, rather, the acceptance of this fact is paramount. You said you need to learn to love yourself, and no truer words could be spoken. However, how can you learn to truly love yourself without accepting what you've done as a truth, as a reality, as part of the story of who you are today?
I will share a secret with you. There are two times in my life when dumping a lie felt like someone pulling a ball and chain off my leg. The first time was when I got caught cheating by my wife. After all the lies and sneaking around and coverups, and as much as it hurt to have the truth come out like that, it was actually a relief in many ways. I felt like I could breathe again. I no longer had to carry around the weight of the lies. As time went on, and my wife and I talked more and more (and yes, I did TT) each time the truth was told, I felt better. (And so did she.)
The other time I felt that kind of relief was when I finally allowed myself to accept that it was me who did those things, and that it will always have been me. It is very easy to say, or to imagine. But it is very, very hard to actually allow this belief to exist, if for no other reason, because it is the foundation of wayward thinking to begin with. It is the kernel from which so much bullshit grows. Once you can honestly accept that you are a human being, and have both moments of pride and regret in who you have chosen to be and how that manifested itself in your life, the sooner you can move forward towards accepting yourself, and then loving yourself.
The whys......they bother me. When someone gives there whys, all I see are excuses. That applies to myself as well. Lots of people have FOO issues, low self worth, and resentments but don't cheat. I cheated because I chose to.
Now, others may disagree with me here, and again, this is meant with love, not to hurt. However, when I read the words, "I cheated because I chose to", all I hear is someone who is unwilling to do the work, and choosing to avoid the reality of who they are. In the same way that a person who doesn't love themselves can't show love to others, a person who does not know who they and why, is doomed to be defined by others, and in so doing, will be incapable of loving themselves. How can you possibly love someone you don't even know? How can someone else love you if they can't know you?
hikingout started to point this out to you, but please allow me to join in. Figure out your whys.
Imagine a man walks into an auto-mechanic's shop and tells the mechanic that he has a flat tire.
Mechanic: Hey fella, how you get that flat tire?
Fella: I'm not sure really. I think the tire just wanted to go flat.
Mechanic: Uh-huh. Weird how that happens, eh? Let's just take a look... hey, is there some reason there's a bunch of nails in this tire?
Fella: Yeah, I saw those in the road just a few hundred feet back. I just ran over them, they looked harmless.
Mechanic: Uh-huh. And I see the treads on this tire are almost non-existent.
Fella: Yeah, I like to drive 'em until they are bald. Tread is so overrated.
Mechanic: Uh-huh. So let's see, what you're saying is that you were driving your car with treadless tires, saw a bunch of nails and decided to run over them anyway, and from all of this you deduced that the tire popped because it felt like it?
Fella: Yep.
Mechanic: Well fella, I got good news and bad news. The good news is I can fix the tire enough to get you home, but the bad news is that I can't fix what caused it to go flat in the first place.
I think you are on the right path. Probably the main thing holding you back right now is you.