I am absolutely "nurturing" him because I know the self-hate is feeling right now. I want him to know that he was not a bad husband likes he thinks. I want him to know that he is an amazing man. I don't want him to hurt. I know I have caused that. Did he do effed up things, yes. That doesn't make him a bad person, and that's what he feels.
I think that you can look at this two different ways. And, I think your therapist is pushing you a bit to see if you can get to the line here.
Nurturing in this sense can also translate to enabling him as well. I think him taking accountability for the ways he was not an amazing man is needed for him to come to terms with the things he must fix in order for him to be healthy. If he is healthy then you can move forward in a healthy relationship. This paragraph to me reads in a ways that you want to rescue him from those feelings. There is forgiveness and there is rescuing. There hasn't been time to forgive (even though I fully understand how you would have empathy - we know as WS how little the A had to do with our BS). In a rescuing situation, that's erasing your need for him to be accountable because you do not feel worth his accountability.
Again, I can understand this, I know I have done this as well at times, so I am not trying to shame you or make predictions. I am just asking you to reassess where the boundary lines are here.
I think its good for him to answer your questions, and you do deserve the answers for it. In many ways, he needs that too.
The other thing I think it's important to remember is often our shame is that rock bottom place where we want to be different moving forward. We feel we are worth being different for ourselves. So, allowing him to decide that rather than rescuing him from it is a gift for him to grow. These negative feelings you both have are not necessarily the enemy - they can be a very big motivator for change, and you both have to feel you are worth that.
I am not at all advising you to scream and yell at him or be punitive. In fact, in that way I would probably think it was a bit hypocritical. But, by both of you taking accountability for your bad behavior and making a commitment to self growth and change that feeling will have been useful. Your need to rescue him still shows you do not feel you have worth, you are not worth apologizing to, you aren't worth him reconsidering the way he has been living. And, I don't think that's the foot you want to be on going forward into a new relationship together.
Instead of telling him what an amazing man he is (which isn't going to ring true to him right now -it's going to come across as you being ingratiating rather than authentic) encourage him to get assistance (I am not sure if he's given up drinking again yet), tell him he is worth making these steps to be the man he wants to be. I am not saying he isn't a good man and isn't amazing, I am just saying that he does have room for improvement here and he's not blind to that aspect of it. I actually think in reading his stuff I get the sense that he wants you to hold your boundaries more. It's so counterintuitive but those are the things that actually will make a safer partner of you as well. You will not be reliant of others to get your feelings, you will be able to curate your own happiness and then share in that joy in the umbrella of a healthier relationship.
And you have been inauthentic in telling him that he shouldn't have to answer those questions while knowing he should. He can sense that dishonesty from you, it then reads to him like manipulation would be my guess.
And recognize you are worth the woman you are becoming and that your therapist is pushing you to be. I am only pushing you here because I am really rooting for you, for him, and even for your marriage at this point. Just don't go back into it with some of these codependent mentalities, that's what gets us here to begin with. Anyway, I have seen a lot of progress in your understanding of self, I think you have picked a good therapist and are on a good path to conquer what it is that I am talking about. I am concerned you don't fully see it yet, but it does take a lot of time. It took me a full year to see most of what I battle now.
Take care.
[This message edited by hikingout at 12:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]