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When the Self-hate Returns

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gmc94 posted 1/17/2020 13:48 PM

Thanks PDX and HO - I appreciate the explanations.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/17/2020 13:53 PM

The interesting thing is that some people think we have the moral fortitude, yet we reveal ourselves to be lacking when under duress or external pressures (depression, deaths, rocky marriage, poor finances, etc.). We lie to ourselves, we self medicate, and we seek external comfort.

I was vehemently against a neighbour of ours who had an exit affair, yet there I went a few years later.

The man I became is utterly disgusting to me. This is not a feeling of embarrassment or shame.

That right there shows growth. I have those same feelings at times when I look back to who I was 4 years ago. Guilt is thy name.

I read this quote in a book (I wish i could remember the author): I never thought I was a bad person, but I found out that I was capable of being a bad person. Today I try to be a better person knowing that.


Zugzwang posted 1/17/2020 16:40 PM

IMO, the moral values you portray is your moral character. I think most should be saying I know what moral values are right and wrong and I would like to be x,y,z however that is not my moral character because I did cheat. So, it is within my moral character to choose to cheat.

lie to ourselves, we self medicate, and we seek external comfort.
Those things are there before we get to cheating. Those type of coping skills. Making it our character. We just didn't take it that far yet. To the climax of cheating. There are plenty under duress that still do not choose to hurt people.

Just my opinion. We are the actions we do.

kairos posted 1/17/2020 17:09 PM

Zug, without a doubt. I was actually second-guessing my thoughts here and agree with you. My actions were a clear depiction of my moral character at the time. In other words, I had none. And I certainly didn't uphold the moral code that I believe in so many years before.

I think MrCleanSlate's quote makes this point well: "I never thought I was a bad person, but I found out that I was capable of being a bad person. Today I try to be a better person knowing that."

I would go farther and say that I was a bad person. I really feel that way, and I don't think I am now, and I don't ever want to be that guy again. Regardless, I was a person who had a moral code and threw away that moral code and exhibited no moral character. Where I'm at right is that I don't want to run away from the fact, re-write the narrative, or allow my mind to twist that truth.

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 5:10 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

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