MiddleAgedMystic posted 1/7/2020 15:45 PM

I’m falling apart. I’ve got tn... on disability... constant pain every day ... my wife has informed me she wants out of our marriage ... 3 kids ... we’ve been together 20 years ... apparently she’s been communicating with an old boyfriend . I don’t know what to do 😢

Dispirited posted 1/7/2020 16:28 PM

I'm sorry- I don't understand what "tn"is. Nonetheless, I'm sure you're at your wits....in shock...attempting to understand what went on.

The bottom line? As so many people have stated, "if" a problem was evident, then the humane way to deal with it is/was to convey that. The problem? often, too many opt to for an easier solution (at least in their minds)to simply have their cake and then deal with it later.

Let's put it this way...all couples have their ups and downs. The latter is what many can't deal with. As if everything is supposed to be perfect.That's not how life is.Committed people understand this.

Unfortunately, that word- 'commitment" is not only foreign to many, but treated as a joke. When things get tough, just walk away. So much easier. So what can you do? If people have the mindset that every time a relationship presents some difficulties you simply walk away, then how in the hell can the affected partner do anything?

And what is SO astounding to me is when people get caught and then they expect a quick absolution. Perhaps the mindset on the other forum (the BS) might explain this, but there is no question that the BS was not thought of in all of these indiscretions. So...I guess the best suggestion is that all of the WS do their best to put themselves in the BS shoes.Unless one is able to do that, than it's a waste of time.

Thumos posted 1/7/2020 16:39 PM

Full disclosure: I haven't been in this situation. (Instead, I blew the doors off my wife's affair and she did not want to be with him. I've been in limbo since trying to decide if I want to stay with her).

That said, if it's this clear cut, I think the advice is usually going to be the following:

1. First. don't do the "pick me" dance as much as you are heartbroken and want to. Instead, give her what she allegedly wants. Snap her head around fast. Implement an in home separation immediately and let her know you have too much self-respect to dance around as her plan B while she openly disrespects you.

1a. See a divorce attorney immediately and file fast with a separation agreement paperwork and see whether she'll agree to you having primary custody since she's in the fog of limerence with her old boyfriend.

2. Implement what is called the hard 180. You can read about in the library in the sidebar. This is a little easier to implement than the "soft" 180. You just freeze her out.

3. Expose her affair to your family and your in-laws. Don't let her negotiate a soft landing with her family by allowing her to give them a bullshit narrative about how you drifted apart. They need to know this is straight up an adulterous affair, that she blindsided you with it and any normal problems in a normal marriage should have and could have been addressed in an ethical way. She chose the cheating path instead, a dishonest and immoral way. Don't cover for her.

4. Get an STD test for yourself immediately. A full panel. STD's can be spread through deep kissing.

5. If your wife's old boyfriend has a significant other or a wife, then go to any lengths to immediately inform the other betrayed spouse -- blow up the fantasy of the affair.

There are other things that are often recommended here in the JFO section, but those are for people who are dealing with wayward wives or husbands who are trying to play games, gaslight and hide the affair. In your case, it's out there.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:41 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Dispirited posted 1/7/2020 16:49 PM

Empathy- when all of this goes on, there never seems to be any thought of it. Again, I assure you of this...if the roles were reversed, do you think that the WS (now in a reverse role) would readily take such a different attitude?

Most do not get that...most don't think about the ramifications- whether impulsive or not. And yet, BS are supposed to accept all of the excuses...expected to put up with blame-shifting(if you didn't do such and such, I wouldn't have resorted to such an indiscretion).

And the problem? Some believe that. They believe the BS and blame-shifting. So on top of the infidelity, the wayward attempts to blame the BS. Even more shame. For in many situations unwarranted for that shame.

So all I can is this...if your partner has thrown you by the curb....if she wants to resurrect an old flame, then sadly she has been impulsive. I have had former partners contact me at times, although no social media. Still, at the time- no thoughts of violating my former marriage.

I may be a rarity- still I was brought up properly:)

Westway posted 1/7/2020 18:21 PM

Let her go.

Go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can expect.

I'm sorry man, but you cannot make someone love you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 1/7/2020 18:24 PM

I'm sorry man. I'm going through something similar - found out New Year's day. Listen to the folks here.

Miller84 posted 1/8/2020 08:49 AM

Sorry to hear this. I, too, am going through something very similar. Found out in October and am now in early stages of divorce. I didn’t want to go this route but she constantly refuses to tell the truth. Now a family is destroyed due to her deceit. As stated above, listen to the people here. Lots of good advice!