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Husband Sexting Another Married Couple

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Sage20 posted 1/7/2020 15:14 PM

So, I found a text on his phone that popped up talking about a mutual friend of ours - her breasts specifically . He was texting a guy friend and I saw the reply from his friend and my husband stating that this woman had some pretty tits! Of course, when I questioned my husband I got trickle truth and he said this guy friend had sent him a pic of his wifeís boobs. I asked my husband if he sent a pic back to him and he said ďno.Ē I pulled up phone records showing a lot of texts with my husband and this married couple on group chat. He finally confessed that he had been sexting with this couple - mainly the woman - with her husband on the same chat thread. This was Oct. 6, 2019. I went through his phone and all the text threads were deleted. I did find a pic of his ďjunkĒ in his deleted pics , and he finally disclosed that he had sent a few pics to them . I am hurt, devastated, hugely betrayed - these were mutual friends of ours who live in our same small town ! He says this went on for 3 months off and on a couple times a month - but they never acted on it in person. Has anyone ever experienced this kind of betrayal????

Happenedtome2 posted 1/7/2020 15:35 PM

Very sorry to see you here. Sexting is a very slippery slope. If this has been going on for a few months chances are pretty good that it escalated, especially if they were in close proximity to your location.
If you have access to your phone records online you can sign in and see specifically when they started as well as seeing whether other pics were sent. You can't see the pics specifically but it will say if there was a photo attached.

If you read my original post, I caught my W sexting/emailing someone in CA and if I hadn't caught them (and if he hadn't been on the west coast) they absolutely would have met up.

Start documenting EVERYTHING. Take photos or forward text messages that you find as well as emails. Heck, check his phone positions if he uses google. You have absolutely not gotten the whole truth.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 3:50 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Slanted posted 1/7/2020 15:38 PM

So sorry that you are here. You'll find that others have had similar experiences.

In only a short amount of time here myself, I've learned that the posters who will come along shortly and seem kind of over the top in what they say? They are probably right.

Cheaters of every kind share one thing in common- they lie. Usually they lie a whole lot. I thought my wife was different. We all think ours is different. But cheaters nearly always do the same, dull, awful things to their spouses.

Your husband may have told you everything. There is a very, very high probability that you are about to learn that there is much more than you knew or wanted to believe. I hope not, for sure. But expect the worst until you find out otherwise.

Do everything you can think of to find out more, and do not immediately give away what you know or how you know it, because that is one of the main things that will give you power and knowledge. You will need both, and you don't want anyone to come up with new ways to hide once they're found out.

So sorry you find yourself here. There are lots of good people here who have seen a lot of this, and it's worth your while to listen to them even if it feels really harsh at first. Your perspective on all of this a month or two from now will almost certainly be very different.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by Slanted at 3:44 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Sage20 posted 1/7/2020 16:42 PM

I might add that we have been married almost 30 years! My H has always been very flirtatious and has a need for attention . He states he was approached by the male friend and participated in a fantasy of being the ďother manĒ - so the guy could watch his wife sext and talk junk back and forth. I have contacted the couple and of course no one saved the text threads. Iíve tried recovery software to no avail. I feel all the same emotions I would have felt if this were an all out PA. Iíve asked for a timeline and heís given me some information- but Iím sure itís bare minimum, and he says they talked about other things too- weather, life, jobs, etc. I call BS! He also did this in our home - right under my nose!! He blamed me at first and said I didnít have enough sex with him or give him the attention he needs. I have had a hysterectomy, so my desire has diminished. He shared this with the OW! He also texted with her without the husband on several occasions - I saw when I pulled phone records. I am livid!!

Dispirited posted 1/7/2020 17:28 PM

So 30 years of being flirty has been ok? And what is astounding to me, your husband has communicated with both the wife and husband? Forgive me if I misread that.

Sage20 posted 1/7/2020 17:53 PM

No- it hasnít been ok - just tolerated . It was more him being complimentary towards my female friends. I guess I just got used to it . Yes- the womanís husband was turned on by the idea of watching his wife with another man. Thatís what I was told . However, all 3 are liars and cheats - so donít know what exactly took place .

TfromNY posted 1/7/2020 18:23 PM

Please donít feel you have to minimize what your husband has done - that it was ďjust sextingĒ. Even IF that is all there was - itís so much more than that. He betrayed your trust, your vows, your sense of privacy and loyalty. He CHEATED when he spoke to the woman, OR THE MAN, about sexual things and had conversations in order to obtain sexual gratification or give others sexual gratification. Sex and intimate human contact are one of the main/special ways a marriage or partnership is distinguished from all other relationships we have in our every day life. Taking that away, KNOWING that you would see these people, and they all had this dirty little secret is incredibly hurtful to you. It is a betrayal. And it is cheating.

Others will give you lots of good practical advice. I just wanted to say you were heard. You did nothing wrong and him stepping out on your marriage was his choice. I support whatever is best for YOU, going forward.

Remember feelings are not facts.
And feelings are not final.
Youíll get through this.

Listen to people on this site. Loved Slanted post.
Rooting for you.

Sage20 posted 1/7/2020 18:52 PM

Thanks for all the replies. It is very helpful to hear other perspectives since this is a different form of betrayal. Yesterday marked the 3 month point since I found out and it is still a freshly oozing wound . We have done a month of marriage counseling and it helped somewhat . He is still defensive at times and canít understand why I canít get over it and move on! Iíve ordered the book everyone had suggested, so hopefully it will help him assist in my recovery.

kaygem posted 1/7/2020 23:09 PM

Get him to take a polygraph.

This is probably a whole lot more than fantasy and it's likely he's been involved in other situations before. I hope it's not the tip of the iceberg but 90% of the time it is.

Read up in the threads on polygraphs. There is some disagreement but you will likely get a confession, whether in the parking lot or by the machine.

I'm so sorry you are suffering this. You will survive and thrive again. Sending you hugs.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/8/2020 11:00 AM

The fact that they try to justify anything or "soften the blow" by saying that they talked about other things blows my mind. My W did the same thing . As if that makes it any better? How about you talk about those things with your spouse instead of going to your AP's. Unreal.

Sage20 posted 1/8/2020 13:36 PM

Right- I have no idea how long this really went on because my wireless provider only went as far back to July . It happened a few times a month from what I retrieved from text logs. I have tried to get content , but provider canít do that without a court ordered subpoena. What bothers me so much is the ongoing deliberations that took place. He says he got tired of it and it was very repetitious and that he was ďextracting ď himself when I found out . However, as far as I know it would still be going on if I had not discovered it. And I feel there is so much more to it than he has revealed . A part of me wants him to message them and tell the how messed up this whole thing was and how it has almost ended our marriage! Thoughts?

TornInShock posted 1/8/2020 20:36 PM


I suggest IC for your WH and you. As many have stated in this forum, MC does not work, because you didn't break the marriage, he did.

He needs to provide you with transparency.

Access to his phone, social media, and emails with userid and passwords. If he has gmail, you can go through his timeline and location history and any apps he has downloaded on his phone. I found so much more than he could remember or simply couldn't bear to tell me because he too was in shock after Dday.

You can download Facebook data as well. I suggest you do that.

A timeline written by him to you of the affair.

No Contact Letter to the couple with your review and you need to be present when your WH sends it.

He has betrayed you most horribly and is in self preservation, rug sweep mode.

And with opportunity comes so much more than "just sexting". My WH was involved in an online EA and sexting and it escalated quickly. If his AP was physically available locally, he would have done the physical deed.

You will need a lot of support, read the healing library, practice the 180, focus on your self.

Do not protect your WH. Flush out the affair. You don't really know it is over, do you?

The1stWife posted 1/9/2020 04:56 AM

(He) canít understand why I canít get over it and move on!

This concerns me.

Your H has no remorse and clearly regrets getting caught.

This may not be the first time he has done this FYI

Heís been flirty all these years means he needs outside validation and attention from other women. This raises a 🚩

His statement shows he just doesnít know the devastation and damage he has caused.

I lived your exact situation. Flirty H. First 4 year EA was denied and stonewalled. He refused to admit he did anything wrong. Until he admitted it to the second OW who told me.

Nothing changed until I told him I was divorcing him (because he left me no choice). Thankfully he has made many changes and now admits his prior behavior was disrespectful to me.

I hope this helps you.

Sage20 posted 1/9/2020 09:45 AM

Can someone explain how the timeline should be done. Heís given me a few things typed out that he remembers texting during those 3 months - but Iím sure it is condensed and watered down.

redfish posted 1/9/2020 12:32 PM

Can someone explain how the timeline should be done.

You have access to the phone records but the texts from his phone are deleted. Have you considered or researched retrieving the deleted texts?

I would write a secret password protected timeline with dates and times yourself from what you know from the phone records. Compare this to anything you can remember on those dates, did he work late that day, out of town, at the gym. You are trying to figure out if this was a PA.

With his timeline don't suggest he use the phone records to refresh his memory as he may stumble and tell you something you don't know. Have him answer specific questions as to how it started, who started it, who suggested that a third person should be involved. About the deleted picture you found, he should answer questions around that event. It is up to you how much information you want. Do you want to know if there was masturbation involved.

Sage20 posted 1/9/2020 13:38 PM

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have tried two different softwares and canít retrieve the deleted texts. He has said that masturbation was not involved and be also said it was more of an ego boost for him because the married couple was in awe of his big penis! Gasp- ...The text exchanges took place mainly in the evenings when he was home - just in another room from me. I did find several texts between just him and the OW (without her hubby) in the early morning hour probably as he was driving to work . He says he never sexted without the husband on the text threads. He tries to chalk it up to him and her talking about her wanting a job change , etc. and asking if his company was hiring . Again , I call BS! He did admit to asking her what kind of sex toys she used to help her orgasm . That just blew mind - and then texting her the next morning to get the name of the apparatus. Says he was just ďcurious ď what other ppl used.....

Hurtmyheart posted 1/9/2020 16:40 PM

Sage20, stay firm in your beliefs. You are on the right path. Keep digging and continue to insist on the truth. Like others have stated, timeline and poly.

I also think your WH is lying. I believe there is more to this story. Why does he need to be texting another man's wife in the first place??

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here but this is a great place for support and guidance.

Sage20 posted 1/10/2020 18:10 PM

I am so grateful for your responses. I still feel deeply hurt and cry each day. WH is beginning to come around and realize how hurt I am. He is reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. I read it first, and it is such a validation of all the things I am experiencing due to the trauma caused by the betrayal. WH says he will do the NC letter this weekend and I will approve it . Should this be email or text?

Dispirited posted 1/11/2020 17:49 PM

Get him to take a polygraph.

You don't need a polygraph. Why? What is the purpose? You have sufficient proof.More torture of his infidelity?

all of 'some" suggestions to take a polygraph sometimes are humorous to me. When there is ample evidence (assuming it is accurate), then why yet another humiliating step? Do you somehow wish that the facts will suddenly change?

Suddenly, it becomes clear that our partners are not what they seemed.One has to determine a "single" mistake or a history. The latter obviously beckons why anyone would expect a change in behavior. Tough love? perhaps.But more importantly when emotion clouds thinking, then that's why people respond to such.No 2 x4's- simply attempting to salvage your dignty:)

Dispirited posted 1/11/2020 18:12 PM

Thanks for all the replies. It is very helpful to hear other perspectives since this is a different form of betrayal. Yesterday marked the 3 month point since I found out and it is still a freshly oozing wound . We have done a month of marriage counseling and it helped somewhat . He is still defensive at times and canít understand why I canít get over it and move on! Iíve ordered the book everyone had suggested, so hopefully it will help him assist in my recovery.

Oh...ok. So he expects you to move on and forget? How f..g selfish of him. Let me ask you this...if YOU had done the same thing, how do you think HE would have reacted? Seemingly idiots who can never entertain such a simple thought.

So... he will read the book and? That's assuming... he will read the book.And? Do you expect him to suddenly gain a perspective that suddenly is aware of your hurts?

It's understandable that you "think" that suddenly reading a book will change him. A book does NOT change what is inherently apparent.He showed you his true believe him .Inasmuch as it is SO debilitating and shocking, the facts are there.So now? You must decide if YOUR principles will be superior to his lame excuses and quite frankly disturbing attempts at a threesome.

Couples- at least loving couples do not have to go through this crap. so please decide if -for whatever reasons, it's worth taming a person who has exhibited selfish behavior.

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