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Wife had affair with student at her work

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Justsomeguy posted 12/30/2019 19:22 PM

Wow. When I read your post, I had a sneaking suspicion which way the replies would tilt. Dont freak out or be hard on yourself for how you are handling the situation and for Gods sake dont let your WW be hard on you. She has traumatized you so don't let her blame the victim for not handling the trauma well enough. All of us have been where you are now and I did bunch of things wrong. That's okay. I got kicked in the head, so I can forgive myself for not being totally focused.

So you are to blame for the affair? Did you get consulted first, like when she makes a big purchase you both have to pay for? Is she saying that you are responsible for your bad choices in life and hers as well? So what is she responsible for? So if your lack of attention made her chest, what dies her cheating give you a hall pass for? My guess is she has not though any of this through. And don't get me started with the sexual assault angle here. As a student, he could not legally give consent because she would have been seen as an authority figure.

I dont think she fully grasps the shit show she is in. Probably a good idea to consult a lawyer on your own to insulate yourself from this if it goes south. The next little while will be rough as stuff you've rug swept will come to the surface. Most everyone here is much smarter than I am. Let them help you. This place is my safe space. Hope it can be yours.

rambler posted 12/30/2019 22:17 PM

She knows you well and is using your insecurity against you. As long as she justifies what she did, she will not change. Your marriage will not heal. You will not heal.

This more than likely will cause the cycle to repeat.

KingofNothing posted 12/31/2019 01:28 AM

Do I confront the guy she cheated with? I only think that will cause bigger issues. Looking for guidance...plus, we have a healthy baby boy to take care of now. We were married in Oct. 2015

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you will always be a good example to him.

How committed are you to rescuing yourself from infidelity, gaslighting and untruth? Cuz Iím not getting the vibe you think this is anything but hopeless, brother. I see a lot of you buying her line about this is all your fault somehow, and a lot of fear and risk avoidance. Why? You are in the right,here. Iím not going to rehash the obvious steps in yet another long posts about ďthe next step is ___Ē. You already know the right thing to do. The ONLY thing you 100% control is what you do next. So, do it or donít. Itís up to you. If you choose to rugsweep, weíll see you again, ten times as miserable than you are now. If you choose to reconcile, you both have a long road ahead, you know that. Choose a path, just donít give up.

KingofNothing posted 12/31/2019 01:28 AM

duplicate, sorry.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 1:29 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

numb&dumb posted 12/31/2019 08:20 AM

She lost sight of who she was as a person, wife, and friend is what she tells me.

What is her plan to get these back ? To return to living a life with integrity.

FWIW- Stop blaming yourself and accepting any portion of the responsibility for her A. I know that having the illusion of control is preferable sometimes to realizing how little control we have over other people, but that is what taking responsibility for her A does. It give you the illusion of control. You had no control over any aspect of it.

Also she had plenty of other options up to and including a D. She choose the completely worst way to do about getting what she wants.

You both were in the same M, but only she cheated. I'd bet apart from the A there is plenty that she failed at as a wife before hshe decided to have an A.

You both need IC. MS is waste of time right now because all it does is give her a ready made excuse to blame her choices on you. Any MC that lets that go on isn't doing their job correctly.

You both have individual things to work on. If she finds her remorse and sees a path to redeem herself she might be worth a second chance. Right now She seems comfortable forgetting about it and blaming you when she can't.

She needs to figure out why she was willing to giver herself away for the false validation the AP provided. That had nothing to do with you and has everything to say about her. IC is the only way she will figure that out.

Also if you have not done so, most of of us would encourage you to expose the A to APs wife. Not for any reason other than that she deserves to know. Don't tell your W about it. Just contact give the high points and offer her a way to contact you if she wants more details.

ScarredSurviver posted 12/31/2019 08:38 AM

Knoxguy, Brother I'm sorry you're here. After reading some of the posts they may seem a little harsh on the surface, but believe me everyone here is trying to help you. I wish I would have found this place on Dday, it would have saved me years of torment. Read the healing library and follow the guidelines. It's great knowledge.

Tell the OBS if you haven't already. This is the best way to kill the A.
Get tested for STDs
Do the 180
Get a timeline and follow with a polygraph.
Go full Magnum PI on her. Check phone records, bank statements, FB, IG, SnapChat, run phone software, etc. There's always a trail.
Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are, you don't have to file, but if this goes south you need to know what your next move is. You don't know where her head is at and if she's thinking about leaving you need to be prepared especially in regards to your child.
Get some IC for yourself, this will be a long tough road.
Find someone in real life you can talk to. You're going to need support.

If you had suspicions early in the relationship do you think she may have cheated before? It sounds like this progressed really fast so it may not be her first rodeo. How do you know that the A is over and not underground? If she's still seeing or speaking with him there's no chance for reconciliation. Don't allow her to rug sweep it, that'll only delay the feelings that never go away.
Please hit this head on and find the truth so you can make the best choice for yourself. As long as she is keeping secrets, trickle truthing and minimizing she controls the story and you. It's time for you to take control of your life.

tushnurse posted 12/31/2019 08:49 AM

She lost sight of who she was as a person, wife, and friend is what she tells me. She'd been ignored and neglected for years and needed to be selfish so she slept with him in the back of his car.

^^^^^This is complete and utter bullshit^^^

Do NOT accept this as a reason, because it's not.

Time to make some demands of her, if she doesn't face any consequences for her actions, and you are willing to sweep it all neatly under the rug, then it will absolutely happen again. This is NOT your fault, and you and your son deserve much better than this, but it is up to you to decide what you will and will not accept.

At a minimum she needs to get full STD testing, as you do too, attend IC to figure out HER issues, and fix them. Be completely transparent and accountable with her time and devices. You can also make any requirements you feel will help you feel safe, and make her a safer partner for you.

Stop accepting blame for his shitty actions today though.

Marauder posted 1/1/2020 08:39 AM

We were told the affair was a symptom of an ever-growing problem.

Get rid of that counselor immediately. They're helping her blameshift. This isn't helping you even if you want to recover this, it's making things worse. Stop accepting the blameshifting in general. While it might feel like it gives you a way to "fix this" by being "better", it's not only wrong, it'll also make things worse.

People have already pointed out a bunch of things, such as your WW still knowing what is going on with this guy which indicates they're still in contact and refusing to do even the bare minimum which makes her not a candidate for R.

I also had some serious jealousy/insecurity issues when we first started dating, accusing her of doing everything and anything with everyone!

Given you now finally found her cheating, because she got sloppy, which honestly is a sign of someone who's so used to doing this and getting away with it. That maybe you weren't insecure and didn't have jealousy issues but were picking up on her having affairs, flings, and being inappropriate with others? Just because this was the first affair you found out about (which might very well still be going on), doesn't mean it was the first affair she had or the last for that matter!

[This message edited by Marauder at 8:46 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

TimSC posted 1/1/2020 12:54 PM

You said you did not take action because you did not want to appear weak.

Dude, your lack of action and your placid acceptance of her affair screams weak.

Do you really want to stay married to this blame shifting cheater? A woman whose statement that the affair was a result of her deciding it was time to be selfish.

If you really want to stay married, you must find out the truth by recovering the texts or having her do a polygraph.

By reading your story, I'm not sure you really want this marriage as much as you want to be a good father. You do not have to stay in a failed marriage to be a good father.

MariaBlue posted 1/1/2020 14:46 PM

Looks like your wife is doing the blameshifting act, blaming you for the choices and decisions she herself made to betray you. Do not accept responsibility for her infidelity. You did not make her cheat. She made herself cheat.

She had two choices as your wife: talk to you about her feelings of neglect or divorce you so she can get attention elsewhere as a single woman.

She needs IC. And so do you to try to deal with this trauma.

The1stWife posted 1/2/2020 04:56 AM

It appears as though you have had issues with her being monogamous in the past.

I guess that pattern of behavior continued in your marriage.

The only one that can put a stop to it is YOU! By that I mean if she wonít change her ways then you have to change yours. You have to let her know that her choices and behavior either change or the marriage is over.

My CH NEVER thought I would stand up to him. After his last affair he was divorcing me for the OW. We had false reconciliation and at dday2 i had enough. Six months of his playing me like a yo-yo was more than I should have allowed.

I told him very calmly that I had no choice but to divorce him. He was free to be with the OW or anyone else he wanted. He left me no choice.

And I left the room. It was NOT a discussion. It was a statement of fact.

I can tell you I took back my power and restored my self-esteem in that one move. And we have reconciled. And he knows I will leave him in a heartbeat.

Get a post nup as well if your wife wants to reconcile. Financially protect yourself. See if they are valid or legal in your state.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/2/2020 10:31 AM

Confronting the OM is useless. Don't even consider it. Telling the OBS is necessary. I'm not sure why you haven't given the OBS the information about what happened so she can choose her future, but you need to correct that mistake now. The consequences of informing the OBS are on your wife and the OM. You would want her to tell you so do her a solid and tell her. Don't let your WW or the OM know what you're going to do; just do it.

As for staying with a betrayer who blames you for her choices. That's obviously your decision. You can choose to live with the uncertainty of her fidelity. You can choose to live you life trying to please her so she doesn't cheat again. You can live your life never knowing if or when she'll cheat again. But remember that living like that will age you quickly and bring you to an early grave. It's your choice but I'd recommend taking your freedom and your life back. Kids are resilient; they can handle it.

fooled13years posted 1/2/2020 10:47 AM

Knoxguy, how are you doing?

she denied at first, and eventually confesses to sleeping with him three times in the back of his car

Sleeping with him, that sounds so much better than we had sex in the back of his car.

If your WW used the slept with term then it is a form of minimizing.

If you are using this term it is a form of denial.

The only way through this, regardless the outcome, is to see it for what it was.

Do I confront the guy she cheated with
]
This man has been an unwelcomed guest in your marriage way too long.

Leave him be but follow the advise of so many others trying to help you and notify his betrayed wife.

thatbpguy posted 1/2/2020 10:57 AM

You have a duty to inform the OM's wife about what's been going on. She deserves to know and to keep it from her would be morally wrong.

As to whether or not to confront the OM is a personal choice. Generally, I'm for it, but it isn't necessary.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/8/2020 12:58 PM

Please do not stay in a marriage like this for your son. The most influential person in a child's early stages of life is the same sex parent.

He will early on pick up on the depression, anger and despair that you are feeling and it WILL affect his development. When he finds out later in life, and he will, it will teach him to accept this behavior from others or projecting this behavior on others is acceptable.

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