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Recovery?

Splitbao posted 12/27/2019 21:06 PM

Hi everyone, I (M22) would just like to share my story and hope to get advice on what I should do to help myself, my gf (F19) and our relationship.

We met in January this year and have been together for nearly 10 months. In the midst of it all my gf has been perfectly loving and kind and understanding, however, I took her for granted and went behind her back talking to other people through apps like Tinder and Bumble.

The first time I was caught was in June, when my gf discovered I was texting other girls. Despite this, she decided to give me a second chance and we decided to work on our communication, as I deleted the apps and went no contact with the people I was talking to. Despite this working for a brief period of time, talking and flirting with other people seemed like an addiction to me as I soon found myself wanting to do it again whenever I felt insecure and needy.

This would go on for a period of time, until I relapsed again this month and redownloaded the apps behind her back. Somehow, I compartmentalised that she was cheating on me due a perceived lack/decrease of affection, and told myself that it was okay for me to do the same. As a result, I started making plans to meetup with people from the apps. In the end, someone from the app outed me to her, as she was forced to confront me, and I broke her heart again.

With all that being said, I know my words and promises sound empty, but from the deepest corner of my heart I really wish to reconcile, because I realise I truly love her and cannot bear to be without her. I also feel like such a complete and utter failure who broke the heart of the person that mattered the most to him. I feel like a complete psychopath to have compartmentalised so many feelings and act in such an irrational manner, which until now I still cannot fully understand. I want to accept responsibility and all of the blame for cheating, but yet I fear this time even that may no longer be enough.

I really do want help and advices on how I should help my gf because seeing her heart broken again and unable to trust me any further absolutely destroys me. I wish all her pain and burden would be inflicted onto me so she does not have to spend countless night doubting my love for her or if I would do it again. I want to become a safe and loyal partner for her, and somebody who she can trust and rely on for the rest of her life.

What should I do moving on from here? How can I get rid of these addiction in seeking affirmation and pleasure from other people, and how can I help make it better for my gf, so that she does not have to suffer as is now doing currently. Iím aware that she has every right to give up on us anytime, but how can I show her that this r/s is worth keeping? Please help me and even though Iím feeling so many negative emotion, please feel free to give me any constructive advice, even if they are rough to hear. Thank you all for your help.

IntoTheFray posted 12/28/2019 03:33 AM

Is the relationship worth keeping though? She's only 19, you've been together less than a year and you've already cheated on her several times. My advice is to let her go. She's still so very young and deserves to discover life free from someone who couldn't even remain faithful during the honeymoon phase of young love. You need to NOT get involved in a relationship, find out who you are and what you want from life, figure out what drives you to behave the way you do and work on becoming the man and potential partner you want to be. Get your head on straight and work on becoming a safe partner before you get into a relationship again.

Robert22205https posted 12/28/2019 10:27 AM

Yep the 'high' you get is an addiction as well as you being morally bankrupt and weak willed enough to let the basic cheater personality characteristics drive your relationship: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for your partner.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Right now, you are a serial cheater and there's no fast or easy fix. Why? because cheaters not only lie to their partner but they lie to themselves.

Based on your past behavior, your words, promises, regret at hurting her is just 'you' lying to yourself - and just as important it's you putting your needs ahead of what's best for her.

At 19yo, she's too young to be stuck with your abusive relationship issues. She deserves a chance at a better life (and right now that's not you).

Cheating will not enable you to live the best version of your life. It will ultimately hurt you/destroy your dreams and the people that love you (including your kids).

Before you have anymore relationships, you need to figure out 'why' you are able to do this to someone you love (and respect). There's self help books as well as youtube videos, including IC available.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:29 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

3greatkids posted 12/28/2019 11:06 AM

Let her go and get into counseling. Figure yourself out. Donít lie to yourself that saving this relationship, then what? getting engaged, then getting married, then having kids will correct you to stop cheating. Let her go. You are both young and can figure yourselves out to be healthy going forward.

Chaos posted 12/29/2019 12:53 PM

I'm a BS - you should know that upfront. However, you should also know I am old enough to be your and her parent. And if either of you were my child [the one who cheated or the one who got cheated on] my response would be the same.

Very gently - the best thing you can do for her is to let her go and focus on becoming a better person.

You are both young and unencumbered [no children, marriage, mortgage, etc.]

Let her go live her best life. In your current state you are not it.

You need to focus on being a better you. You are a serial cheater and addicted to the "high" that you get from it. That isn't a switch you can just flip or you'd have done it by now.

Please seek some IC for yourself. Otherwise this will be your life long pattern. Relationship - cheating - getting caught - panic - repeat.

gmc94 posted 12/29/2019 13:18 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Read it. Learn it. Live it.

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