wantstorepair posted 12/27/2019 15:06 PM

So this month especially is horribly painful for my BS and the triggers are everywhere and her pain magnified. We are now a mere month after DD # too many too count, and after more violence (me getting angry and barging into the house after being told I couldn't come in to use the bathroom, despite being invited in all the time and even invited to spend the night there occasionally) and during the most horrific triggering week of the year which I felt entitled to the kids for Christmas and sabotaged her restitution trip over the holiday by asking if I could go with them. All this on top of 25 years of abuse and cheating and lies I am certainly the asshole here and there is no disputing it. R isn't happening and as "I am desperately trying to figure out what is going on and trying to get to custody arrangements with the kids an figure our finances and communication with BS, nothing is working to communicate and be civil.
This morning early(nighttime) she sent me an e-mail telling me to cancel a few things, and then around 8 she send me a messenger asking when I would send the financial plan to her. I
said I would send it after putting into a different format (she does not like spreadsheets). and away we go. she went off on me saying that I was blaming her for why it was delayed (although there was no date established to deliver it), and then rapid fire texting me about what an asshole I was. So about 30 infuse later I responded to her e-mail attaching the document I write about the finances. then in texted her and said I e mailed. She proceeded to go off on me about why I was using e-mail as a unreliable source of communication and that she had told me time and time and time again that email was not a good form of communication and what a dick I was fo not respecting her. (please keep in mind that I was responding to the e-mail she sent me a few hours earlier).

So I went off at the hypocrisy and the craziness and the absurdity of what was happening - being defensive and building a frustrated rage that further derailed the day and any chance of a conversation that would yield solutions, results, decisions... anything. part of her response back to me after saying that she had a headache from looking at screens all the time and that the financial stuff I sent her she couldn't focus on and was a MESS. (it was a one page word document) and I pointed out that when she was managing the finances that she would use multiple sheets of paper and arrows and highlighters to follow her stubby pencil work, and that what I sent her was in fact not a mess. she then proceeded to tell me that I should have snail mailed the document to her. again keeping in mind she asked for it electronically this morning and the complained about the delay in getting it.

The rest of the day has gone much the same and
I can't freaking take it. It is like this so much and quickly I cannot even follow what we are talking about because of the back and forth texting and the fact that I type slow and she will get out 3-4 one line text questions before I can respond to one, and then I am quickly overwhelmed and being and being all capos yelled at for not answering her questions. It is maddening and drives me into a defensive rage.

This isn't working. Does anyone else have perspective and ideas on how to better communicate with someone who is so hurt and destroyed that they aren't making any damn sense?

Got it, this is all my fault. How do we move forward and come to any conclusions or move forward at all?

JBWD posted 12/27/2019 16:00 PM

Quite honestly, you are moving forward. If you are concerned about her angrily texting you, simply don’t respond.

If you are in a position where mediation is a possibility, I would encourage it- Even outside of that, though, I would take advantage of a calm moment to verify expectations- If you can’t find one then you’re going to need outside assistance. Further deliverables should have an associated deadline, clearly understood and agreed upon.

In the meantime I will simply highlight that “away we go” is not an unreasonable response to your actions leading up to this. She’s finally allowing herself to feel angry. It’s going to look like this. I’m not often an advocate of “suck it up” but it quite honestly seems reasonable here... Especially if there is another DD just a month in the past.