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Out of the Doghouse

gmc94 posted 12/27/2019 14:00 PM

Anyone read this? My WH's new CSAT suggested it. I'm listening to it and so far not finding much of anything to criticize, other than I get a tad irked by saying "in the doghouse" too much, and the imagery that conveys (to me, it's not so much in the doghouse as it is in a doghouse that you shit & pissed in over & over & over again, that stinks of the putrid lies and deceit of your selfishness... but something tells me that title may not sell so well )

Seems to be written in a pretty straightforward/informal language. So, curious if others have any opinions - a part of me wonders if this is just a more straightforward way of getting to the points of "Not Just Friends".

Maybe the BS blaming comes later, but about 25-30% through I'm not feeling it...

TX1995 posted 1/19/2020 22:44 PM

Have it, read it. He's pretty good about not partner blaming. I do hate that he says often that it takes a year for a partner to heal. I think it obviously takes longer!

The author (Rob Weiss) has a podcast and he's had great guests on - it was where I found Marnie Breeker for the first time.

gmc94 posted 7/26/2020 17:14 PM

Update - June 2020:

After reading it, there are some things I did NOT like and wanted to get in a post:

Out of the Doghouse is a simple/straightforward book aimed at WH. Overall, I felt it did a pretty good job of conveying some important info. However there were a few things that I strenuously disagreed with - all of which were about information control:

1. Saying it is "unacceptable" for the BS to tell the WS' boss, neighbors, the press or other "important people" what the WS has done. I think any BS is WELL w/in their rights to put the WS' behavior into the light of the public. If the AP was a COW, the BS has every right to let HR know that two employees are canoodling. (p 74, on Kindle). If I want to tell my neighbors that my WH is a liar and adulterer, I think that's my prerogative (and what if my neighbors are also my friends?) If my neighbor wants to tell me that her husband embezzled $ from her family's biz, why is THAT okay, but me saying that my WH lied to me for decades is somehow off limits? BOTH are acts of intentional fraud.

2. Saying it's "unacceptable" for the BS to go to the AP and give he AP a "piece of her mind". If the AP knew the WS was a MM (like in my sitch), the BS has every fucking right to give that AP a piece of her mind. That AP trespassed on my M and she deserves whatever a BS flings her way - obviously w/o violence. This stance also strikes me as protecting the AP's feelings and protecting the AP from the consequences of fucking a MM. Now, I've not done this and doubt that I ever would, but I sure as shit don't believe my WH (or anyone else) has any input into whether I do -or do not- go scorched earth with his girlfriend. TBH, if I thought I could do it completely anonymously, I would absolute write to every one of her SM followers and let them know to keep her away from their husbands (she is a serial cheater, apparently with a penchant for MM). Likewise, I think the her BSO has every right to go scorched earth on my WH as well. If the BSO were to show up at my WH's funeral and want to tell the world how he's been hurt by my WH's fucking his SO for a decade, so be it. May not be the best form, and I'm sure I'd rather he didn't, but that's the kind of shit they both should have thought of before they dropped their panties.

3. Saying the WS should not give sexual details, even if asked (p.124). I find this completely condescending and patronizing. I understand that many BS do not want the details, and I totally respect that. For me personally, I'm a grown ass woman and I have the right to know what the eff my WH was doing. I wanted -and still want- ALL the nitty gritty sexual details. Indeed, the details he has provided me do not bother me at all (with the exception of kissing - which was actually info that he provided on dday w/o my asking). When the stuff I do know about goes through my mind, I usually just think "gross" (or that he's such an idiot for believing her bullshit, like she was having multiple orgasms from his amazing kissing abilities ). The vast majority of my mind movies have been about what I do NOT know. I don't need some IC or MC to protect me from the details that I already have running in my mind, and my WH has shown pretty damn well that his idea of "protecting" me is only about protecting himself.

5. Saying the WS only needs to share actual boundary breaking behavior with the BS, and not "just' thoughts about it. E.g., if the WS only thinks about breaking NC, they should talk about it, but with their IC or a close friend... NOT with their BS (p 117). I find all of this kind of odd, in that both this & sexual details stuff come after he says "If your spouse would want to know, then you have to tell her. Period" I can kind of understand the not telling the BS if you think about breaking NC, but I also think that keeping those thoughts secret are the same fucking slippery slope that got the A going in the first place. Before dday, I saw that as his private business. After the A? He gave up his right to that kind of privacy (or as I think Chamomile Tea recently said, what you do in the bathroom is private.... what you do about another person is a secret).

I get super angry at the IC industry's concepts about information control. As a BW, I believe that controlling ANY information that a BS seeks post dday is just adding more insult to an already deeply insulting serious injury. It's another way to continue to take away a BS's agency.

So - for BWs whose WHs have been recommended this one, these are the things to be wary of.

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