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Struggling

Pages: 1 · 2

Iamtrash posted 12/26/2019 10:13 AM

I havenít posted here in some time. I donít even find myself lurking anymore. While reading some things was helpful, I was finding myself getting caught up in things that werenít helpful. I wasnít using the page for my benefit and healing. Only to cause more harm to myself. I decided to step back and focus on my IC (which has been most helpful to me.)

Today, I need to post. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of going to see my AP for the first time. I am not ok. Everything is hard and everything is triggering. I am feeling upset and angry with myself. I am upset for the stupid choices I made and the lives I ruined. I donít want to leave the house. I want all the Christmas stuff gone. Everything is a reminder of this time last year. I have this time off of work, but I wish I was at work. I wish I had something to distract me that worked.

There has been so much to admit about myself and accept throughout this process. I can deal with that. Itís the memories that are haunting. My AP haunts me. I have dreams about him still trying to contact me. I have dreams about my BH thinking i am still talking to him and reacting in terrible ways because he doesnít believe that I am not. I know itís all just dreams, but I wish theyíd stop. I hate feeling like heís out there, waiting to get some kind of revenge. Maybe thatís just an irrational fear, but I feel like if he had the chance to ruin my life more, he would. (I have no proof or reason to believe this. Just a thought that scares me.)

I donít want to be alone today. Even more, I donít want my BH to feel alone today. I wish he didnít have to work. I wish he could be home, talking about whatever he needs to. I donít want him to feel alone in this. I donít want him to suffer. Even though itís from different perspectives, I feel like we are both going to struggle the next few days more than normal. We are both going to suffer. I wish there was a way to make this easier and less painful for both of us. How can I help us both? I want to just forget the next few days, but I know that isnít helpful either. Burying what I am feeling wonít help. I am talking to him about what I feel. I want him to talk to me. Iím just afraid that everything I can do to help is so minimal compared to what we are both feeling right now.

FoenixRising posted 12/26/2019 12:48 PM

Meditation and mindfulness are my current go toís. Iíd be up schitts creek without a paddle otherwise.

I try to really look at the whole picture when I am feeling like a failure. 1- Iím still alive. Iím breathing. 2- My Family is healthy and while there now are still tough days, I remind myself of how far weíve come, how much weve all endured together, even pre A. 3- Iím still working on myself and learning my whys so that I never go back to where I was. 4- Iím honest about my wayward ways and I tell my H about them when/where necessary. 5- I consistently remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness. That requires me to make mindful choices for myself. I am not required to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I usdrstand your guilt. I do. I think that is part of the reason that your having such a tough time. Guilt can wear us down. Even though you FEEL guilty, doesnít mean you need to roll in it. Acknowledge the guilt. Tell your H how youíre feeling. (Maybe you cant make sense of it... thatís ok... it takes time to process big things. Also the guilt we carry is a consequence of our choice to ignore the real issues present in our marriage and choice to be with another. Donít let the wayward side of you win. Realize the void and guilt you feel/felt last year sent down a wicked path. Donít look over at that tornado you made. Look current. Deal with the grief youíve experienced since you lost your child. Cry, snuggle your other kids. Tell your H how sad you are and how much you miss your child. Be honest with yourself and see this pain for what it is take off the bullet proof best, it will not kill you. Youíre too strong for that but youíve got to let this grief out one way or another. Choose the healthiest venue for YOU!

FoenixRising posted 12/26/2019 12:48 PM

Also, hugs to ya trash. Iím proud of you. Youíve got this. 💗

Pippin posted 12/27/2019 23:30 PM

IAmTrash, I'm sorry you are suffering. I hope the worst of it has passed.

I asked them to bump the Shame/Justice thread for you. I hope it helps. There's a lot in there that speaks to what you wrote.

The nightmares about the AP - they are clues about what you are processing. Try to take them in as information and figure out what they are telling you. Like it's your brain doing a puppet show to communicate something to you. I have to think that way about my nightmares. I've always had violent, bloody nightmares, way before the affair, all of my life, sometimes with me as the perpetrator. I had some really awful ones about the AP. In one he was a terrorist taxi driver and kidnapped me away from my children who were suffering. That one wasn't too hard to interpret. It's sometimes tough to learn from them - I have to put some distance because they are so disturbing/alarming. I had one a few nights ago where I murdered a bunch of young teen girls. Still haven't quite figured that one out.

The intrusive thoughts - they are probably your mind trying to get back to a time when things felt easy. I know they are awful. I hated the intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, when they wouldn't go away, I used to end them violently in my mind. I would imagine my husband walking in, shooting the smirking leer off the AP's face, and carrying me off somewhere safe. Or I would imagine pushing the AP out of a 10 story window. It probably wasn't the an ideal long term solution but it worked when nothing else did. Figure out what works for you. Someone else wrote that they used a stop sign in their mind. Maybe start there and see if that works before going to more dramatic ways to end the intrusive thoughts.

Just for the record, I am not violent in real life. Not even a little!

You might want to make a different kind of Christmas in the future. My husband and I have avoided spending holidays with family for decades. It's what we need to do to stay sane. We always travel. We have a fabric tree and a few lights and stockings and have spent Christmas in a bunch of different places. You two can make whatever kind of Christmas you want going forward. Next year, you can think about it and plan before you're in the middle of the season.

I hope you are able to help your husband when he is struggling. Have you figured out ways to help him? Just listening to him is a good start if you don't know what else to do. Hearing what he's saying underneath the words was a next step for me. And when you're apart from him, and it's a hard day, if he wants to, keep in very close touch. My husband and I used to email, text, call or Facetime every half hour or more on the hardest days. It's not a magic fix but it helps.

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 06:45 AM

Where is the shame thread? Wasnít able to locate it, but willing to hunt.

I always have thoughts of wanting pain and suffering for my AP while awake. I even toyed with the idea of a revised no contact letter (with my BHís blessing and permission). I wrote a NC back when this all started. I wish I would have waited. I was still too much in the fog and feel like even though I ended things, I didnít effectively say what I needed and should have said. I still hadnít learned the full extent of who he was as a person. I wish I would have written it with a mind full of clarity instead of at a point of turmoil. Then I realize, I donít want to contact him again. For one, nothing I say to him will matter. Heís a monster, he doesnít care, itís pointless. Plus, all I want is for him to forget about me. I want him to move on and never mention my name again. I feel like a new letter will just restart that process. I also talked to my BH about writing a new NC letter just for the sake of getting what I feel out, then burning it. I canít fix and donít want to fix my AP. I donít give a damn if he knows how I truly feel about him. But I do want to express how I feel now that I am thinking with a clear mind, not hours after d-day.

Whatís hard about Christmas is that we have young children. We didnít put up the tree until 8:30 at night on Christmas Eve and took it down the day after. I didnít want to put anything up, but our son was begging and pleading. It was hard but it wasnít up all month. We were mindful on Christmas Eve and day. We spent a good deal of time at home and a reasonable amount of time with family. It wasnít over the top or demanding for us. I feel that helped us both stay as even keeled as we could be. Even though it was extremely hard, we got through. The kids were happy and even though I think we were both internally struggling, we managed a few smiles even.

I canít speak for my BH, but I truly hope I am doing what I can to help him. I am off work this week, that helps a lot. I can talk to him freely. He doesnít have to wait for replies. I am talking about repeat topics without getting upset or defensive. (At least I hope Iím not, he hasnít said otherwise.) We are talking about a lot of hard feelings and realities. Those are harder for me, but I am still willing to talk about and face the repercussions of my actions. I struggle with the uncertainty of the future. Not because I feel I deserve forgiveness or another chance, itís just the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time thatís hard for me. Iím afraid that I will put all the work into changing and realizing my issues just for him to tell me to fuck off. (And I realize I need to change whether we are together or not. I also realize that I have hurt him in in unmeasurable ways. He has every right to protect himself and move on, whether I can change or not. He deserves to be happy, safe, and with someone that will respect him and treat him right. I donít hold any Iíll feelings for how he feels and I know it must be very complex feeling for him.) The uncertainty is just so hard. I know I get caught up in it. I think sometimes I make him feel like I am rushing an answer from him. Like I want his decision now when heís still trying to process everything that has happened. For me, itís just the fear. Even before I knew him, I always planned for the other shoe to drop and the worst possible outcome to happen. I feel anxious because I donít know the answers and I feel like I need to prepare for the worst. Again, not his problem or his fault. Itís just something I recognize for myself. Itís kinda like ripping off a bandage. If things are going to go south anyway, Iíd rather just get it over with. But that isnít a reasonable expectation with this. I have to wait and focus on myself and figuring myself out.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/28/2019 07:57 AM

Where is the shame thread? Wasnít able to locate it, but willing to hunt.

Itís about 6 or so threads down with a stop sign called ďshame/justiceĒ by Maia.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=637083

BluesPower posted 12/28/2019 09:20 AM

Just a reminder...

Please remember that after your affair, the way and how it happened making it, well really bad even be SI standards...

Just remember that if your H decides now or 5 years from now that he cannot stay with you, that is how it is.

THAT is what letting go of the outcome means.

If you are not prepared to do that now and for a lot longer then you need to get out now.

And yes it sucks but that is the way that it is.

You should be doing the right thing because it is the right thing not because you expect to MAKE your H reconcile with you and be happy because you cant do that...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 9:21 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 09:54 AM

I agree. I am changing and need to continue to change because itís whatís best for me as a person. Itís whatís best for my children. I canít continue my life thinking and acting the way I have been. Itíll destroy me and hurt everything that matters to me. Whether we can R or not is irrelevant, change MUST happen.

I do feel like I have let go of the outcome. I am fully prepared for him to say he canít move past this and move on with his life. That I can deal with. I donít want to, but this is the choice I made by having an affair. Itís just the uncertainty that is hard for me. Itís also a struggle to know when Iím doing the right thing a for him. I feel like I donít always get feedback. I feel like some efforts go unnoticed, but Iím not going to badger him about it.

BluesPower posted 12/28/2019 10:21 AM

I agree. I am changing and need to continue to change because itís whatís best for me as a person. Itís whatís best for my children. I canít continue my life thinking and acting the way I have been. Itíll destroy me and hurt everything that matters to me. Whether we can R or not is irrelevant, change MUST happen.

I do feel like I have let go of the outcome. I am fully prepared for him to say he canít move past this and move on with his life. That I can deal with. I donít want to, but this is the choice I made by having an affair. Itís just the uncertainty that is hard for me. Itís also a struggle to know when Iím doing the right thing a for him. I feel like I donít always get feedback. I feel like some efforts go unnoticed, but Iím not going to badger him about it.

I don't know if anything I say can help you but I will try.

I get that the uncertainty is hard. How hard do you think it is for your H?

When ever you start to feel sorry for yourself think about how much worse he feels than you. Can you understand that?

Your thinking is just so wrong, the focus is so off of what it should be.

You being in limbo is what you deserve, you are living what your choices dictated.

I know lots of more experienced wayward have tried to talk and help your see. I want you to see that is the focus of your life and thoughts does not change from your and your shame and pain to your H's shame and pain, you can bet that the future does not look bright for your marriage.

You say that you want your marriage, but in a year you have not learned how to think differently than you do now.

I really hope that you get to a place that you can feel better and more importantly help your H fell better.

I am really pulling for you got get yourself together.

If you cannot do that soon, don't you think it would be better to leave? Would it not be kinder to your H for you to just leave him? I know that he really does not know what to do and I think he loves you very much, would it be kinder to him to just leave and let him heal.

I am not suggesting this, I am just asking questions.

To me, you both seem really stuck.

I am really pulling for you...


BraveSirRobin posted 12/28/2019 12:27 PM

My take on where you are right now is that you're trying really hard, and genuinely, to say the right things and do the right things, and to some extent, even think the right things. But there are some critical "tells" in your writing that show that you are still up at surface level rather than digging deep into your motivations, not only during the A, but right up into the present.

It's not that you aren't taking any responsibility. However, you're assigning yourself the kind of responsibility that suits your view of yourself as a decent person with obvious limits. You're not grappling with the genuinely scary admission that you're a much bigger manipulator and narcissist than you ever believed possible.

I recognize this because I've been there. While the facts of our two stories don't entirely line up, I think our selfish and avoidant behaviors do.

When I started posting on SI, after a few months of lurking, I believed that I had taken responsibility for the A. I thought I had owned it from the first. I admitted that I was the one who initiated it, that I was the one who led OM into a deeper EA than intended, that I was the one who ended it and went back to my H, leaving OM pining for me. I didn't present myself as a victim; I was the person who broke two hearts and was trying to fix them. But really, I wasn't owning my shit by saying this. I was reiterating my own power, which was one of the things I found most attractive about the A in the first place. My "ownership" was really just a continuing ego stroke. Really owning my shit would have been (1) instant NC, (2) accepting that step 1 might make OM think I was a hateful bitch instead of his "one that got away," (3) acknowledging that the A was also a power play for him, and that it wasn't me he was going to miss, but the false image he projected on me, and (4) that caring about any of that crap was a bad sign. Letting go of the outcome meant letting go of all of that and facing the absolute truth of the A in all its selfishness and seediness. Only then could I approach my BH with true honesty and humility.

IMO, your fears of your AP still wanting revenge reflect your ongoing need to be important to him. Even hating you is a form of importance; it means that you took something (yourself) that he desperately wanted and can't get past. I'm skeptical that you really hope he doesn't think about you at all. If you felt that way, there would be no pull to send a revised NC. You want him to know that you're pissed off that he didn't stay in his lane and take what you were willing to give. Those were supposed to be the rules: you evaluated which man you wanted, and he patiently awaited your decision. Instead, he pressed too hard and took the power out of your hands.

I don't believe, as I think Hallmack does, that your marriage was your Plan B. I also don't believe, as you assert, that it was always Plan A. I think you really were weighing your options, right up until AP coerced you in some way that made you feel scared of him. That's when, IMO, you started rewriting history to where AP was never a permanent possibility. You woke up late to the fact that he was feeding you the illusion of control rather than the genuine article. On some level, you still can't accept it, or what it means about you that you were such a bad judge of both AP's character and your own.

By not facing the true depths to which you sank, you lack the authenticity necessary for genuine remorse. That's why your words come out minimal and inadequate. "Letting go of the outcome" is more than just accepting the possibility of D, as frightening as that is on its own. It's facing loss of control in every aspect of your relationship. It's letting go of the narrative that your actions were mitigated by secret internal boundaries. I think you have a long way left to go on that path.

Zugzwang posted 12/28/2019 13:52 PM

^^^Agree with the above.

The first major tell. The anger towards your AP.

For one, nothing I say to him will matter. Heís a monster, he doesnít care, itís pointless.
It shouldn't matter if he is or isn't a monster. Why does it still matter to you if he cares or if what you say to him is pointless. The only one here that you should be focusing on is yourself. You were that monster to your family that you claim your AP to be to you. There should be zero thought of AP. Complete indifference. If you have to see him as a monster to you, then you are invested in you and what he represents for you. It just seems you are investing way too much on the AP as a scapegoat to take the heat off of focusing on you and escaping the shame.

I am fully prepared for him to say he canít move past this and move on with his life.

It isn't that they can't move past this. That is putting blame on him. That he can't deal with it despite what you do. Just NO! It is that he always deserved more, had more self respect and love than to stay with someone that took him for granted, he has given you grace and mercy. He has done his part. Taking time to heal from hurt does not equal can't move past it. You need to do yours which you are still working on. Who really can't move past it? From your posts, it is you.

When a WS states their BS "Can't move past it" it is a pretty clear message they don't get it, haven't owned it, and are still working on remorse. I am not talking about the scope of understanding how much damage you have done or that they are still healing. It is just simply the fact that there is nothing to move past. The entire perspective is wrong. They have been past it since before the affair started. If they don't stay, it simply is because it is reality that people deserve better and realize it for themselves. They own the self respect, love, and confidence to not stay in a toxic environment- that is not "can't move past it". That is the honest simple reality of deal breaker. If they stay, it is through grace and mercy...not because they move past this. Only the WS IMO has to do the moving past. We earn being there with them as much as possible.

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 14:01 PM

BP- I agree. What he is feeling, what he is blindsided with far outweighs anything I feel. The uncertainty must be terrible for him. You are reading into this as feeling sorry for myself. Not what I am feeling at all. Iíve accepted my choices and consequences. Itís actually very possible for a wayward to feel very little for themself. At least long term. Feeling sorry for myself has never really been a thought to me. You might be getting my story mixed up. It hasnít been a year since d-day. Not even close. Thatís just it, he has expressed the fear of me deciding that trying to fix this is too much and just walking away, leaving him to pick up his shattered pieces. I wonít just walk out on him and leave him to fend for himself. If he decides that standing by him is causing more harm than good and that what Iíve done canít be repaired, I will respect what he decides. But based on what heís expressed to me, I wonít make the call to leave unless thatís what he needs me to do. As of now, Iím continuing with what heís requested of me.

BSR- I havenít been here in awhile. I also made the decision to quit reading anything he posted (even though I always had permission to do so). It wasnít helping either of us. He needed a place to talk and I need to not read responses from people that donít know the full story or circumstances.

There is way more to the revenge and fear part with the AP. Things my BH is fully aware of. You are welcome to your opinion and I always respect what you have to say, but the thought that I want to be important to him is farthest from the truth. I want this nightmare over and I have reason to believe heís not going to be someone that lets go easily. Thankfully I have distance to keep me from encountering him ever again. The whole idea of a new NC was also very much encouraged by my BH (even if it was never sent.) I was the one that decided Iíd never want to send it.

My biggest regret (besides the affair itself) was deleting all the messages. There was enough to prove that my marriage wasnít plan B. There was enough to prove how I felt in certain moments. There were enough fights with AP to prove a lot of how I felt. Now Iím in a position where my BH got to see all of the worst snippets and not the entirety. Again, my fault for trying to hide it all. And honestly, it doesnít matter. The snippets were painful enough to cancel out anything that proved otherwise.

I just donít care about the control. At the start of this and throughout the whole relationship, I for sure would have cared. Now nothing matters. If my AP were to print our every conversation and send it to my BH, I just donít care anymore. He got the worst parts of every conversation. That was all I was holding onto. I always kept it vague, ďI said whatever AP wanted to hearĒ which was true, but I never gave specifics to my BH. For one, it was shameful. Two, because I didnít keep the messages. I couldnít specify what I said and didnít say. Even now, thereís a lot I couldnít tell you about what I said or didnít say to AP. I couldnít specify the time or context. So I just kept it vague. Iíve accepted defeat and realize how fucked it was throughout the whole relationship. Thatís one of the biggest reasons I quit with SI. I couldnít stand reading comments from people getting part of the story. I couldnít deal with the projection. To this day, there are people that have read me right. There are also people that have read me wrong. Even now, in this post, people are reading what they want to read out of it. Itís ok, Iím not mad or upset. But the idea that Iím longing for the attention of my AP and the idea that I donít think of how much more his pain is is wrong. I know I did this to myself and to him. It doesnít mean it hurts any less. It doesnít mean Iím trying to one up the pain each of us feels.

I just want this nightmare to be over. Even without the affair, this has been a hard year. Iím not looking for sympathy or understanding. Iíve done this to myself and created the nightmare. Iím struggling to deal with my own issues (not affair related) because everything else has to revolve around the affair. Iím not mad or upset with him about the pace of his healing. I know what he decides and how he heals is going to take a long time. Iím ok with that. It doesnít mean it isnít hard.

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 14:24 PM

Zug- ďCanít move past itĒ is words he himself has used. I donít feel like moving past it is something that can ever apply this. You can learn to forgive your WS, you can attempt to rebuild trust, you can try to build a better relationship, you can have enough self respect to decide when enough is enough and that you deserve way more than you were given. All of these are reasonable ideas of what a BS can do. But ďmoving past itĒ is impossible. Even with the most remorseful WSs, the ones that busted their behinds to go above and beyond to be safe for their BS will still always have to face the repercussions for what theyíve done. Does any BS ever truly ďmove past itĒ? I would hope not. You may forgive and learn to live with what happened, but even decades out, I donít know that Iíd expect any BS to just move on like nothing happened.

Before I quit reading here, I felt like there were so many contradicting statements. Even from mods. Thereís this big debate between you need to help your spouse heal and you fix you, BS fixes BS, together you fix the marriage. There were also statements that were contradicting about WS progress vs. BS progress. I would bring up things I read and it was never taken in a good way. It seems like there is no right way to make this better for either of us. Even the long timers here contradict one another. I continue to try, but I know sometimes itís trial and error.

I do disagree with the idea that I have any thoughts about AP. Itís being read into way too deeply. The only time I think about AP is during the continued conversations my BH needs to have in order to feel better, vent, get clarification. Unless I am openly talking to my BH, I am quite content to pretend he never existed. The idea of the new NC was an idea of something to help my BH and was encouraged by him. I learned a lot about my AP between the end of the affair up until a few months ago. Things I wish I would have known sooner. It was simply an idea of writing with a clear mind rather than with a fog. Something for my BH to read. Something he wanted to read. If it were up to me, Iíd never mention anything about him again. Iíd never think about him again. Iíd never talk about him again. Unfortunately, thatís not an option if I want to continue to have open communication with my BH.

I also respectfully disagree with the idea that WSs canít move past it. I feel like many WSs would love to just bury this and pretend it never happened. Maybe Iím wrong, but life would be easier if I could just move past this and pretend it never happened. Just erase this entire year from my memory. Unfortunately, that does nothing to help my BH. And if I canít be invested in helping my BH, Iím no better than the person who was actively participating in the affair.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/28/2019 14:45 PM

It's fair to argue that I'm projecting, and of course, I can only evaluate and recommend based on the information in front of me. If you have evidence you haven't shared that proves AP is a genuine psycho, of course that would modify my opinion about your fear of him popping back up. But why come here and give a partial account and then dismiss my response as reading the situation wrong? That's the price of keeping things vague.

Projection also cuts both ways. I gave you a lot of initial credit when you said that your A wasn't ever going to be an exit A, because mine was never intended to be one, so I knew that could be true. However, that faith eroded every time you admitted that you led the AP to believe otherwise. There is no evidence to the contrary in my case, not a single text or email, existing or deleted, because I was telling the absolute truth about who was Plan A/Plan B. In contrast, your arguments make no sense. Why in heaven's name would you keep only the most incriminating texts and delete the ones that partially exonerated you?

If your position is going to be that our analysis is flawed because we have incomplete information, and yet you're going to deliberately keep it incomplete (to the point of an incoherent narrative), then I agree that our advice will be pretty pointless. I think that's a waste of a good resource, but it's your call.

ETA: I'm trying to remember how your BH read any of the texts. Was it phone recovery software? Stuff supplied by the AP? If it's the former, it's a little difficult to believe you were unlucky enough that he saw only the worst of it. If curated by the AP, that makes a good deal more sense. Apologies for not remembering; it's particularly difficult to keep details straight in a situation where I need to avoid cross-referencing a couple's threads.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:54 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 15:06 PM

I agree with you. Iím not upset for your answer based on the information you know. I fully realize you can only respond to information given. No hard feelings or dislike of your responses. Just reiterating that some things wonít be shared here. Some things are best handled in IC and by talking to my BH. I know that will impact answers and itís ok. I just will take answers knowing that not everyone knows everything. Itís just the price paid for not being willing to give all details. I still value your opinion and donít take offense to your answers. I just try to clarify some parts.

I didnít keep any of the messages. AP sent the messages to my BH. Only snippets and only the worst ones. Not entire conversations or or relationship in its entirety.

I just need a place to vent. And I know there are some things Iím not ready or comfortable saying in a forum, even if itís anonymous. I know the answers will be based on getting incomplete information. Itís just something I will have to accept. In time, I may be more comfortable saying more. Just not there yet. And BH and IC have gotten the better version, thatís what matters most.

thatwilldo posted 12/28/2019 16:01 PM

Iamtrash,

You said:

For me, itís just the fear. Even before I knew him, I always planned for the other shoe to drop and the worst possible outcome to happen. I feel anxious because I donít know the answers and I feel like I need to prepare for the worst. Again, not his problem or his fault. Itís just something I recognize for myself. Itís kinda like ripping off a bandage. If things are going to go south anyway, Iíd rather just get it over with. But that isnít a reasonable expectation with this. I have to wait and focus on myself and figuring myself out.

Is it possible that, because of your fear, you wanted to get out front before your husband dropped you and that's one of the reasons you had an affair? It sounds like you are a person who very much wants to be in control. I understand this, I lied and kept secrets to try to have control.


You also said:

I also respectfully disagree with the idea that WSs canít move past it. I feel like many WSs would love to just bury this and pretend it never happened. Maybe Iím wrong, but life would be easier if I could just move past this and pretend it never happened. Just erase this entire year from my memory. Unfortunately, that does nothing to help my BH. And if I canít be invested in helping my BH, Iím no better than the person who was actively participating in the affair.

I think you should know that burying an affair and pretending it never happened is the worst thing a WW could do. I rug-swept my affair for over 40 years and it has caused my BS immeasurable pain. He knew of the affair, but we didn't talk about it and I didn't understand...and am still working on...my whys. If you don't invest time in learning about what personality defects you have contributed to your affair, you won't know how to be a better person.

Iamtrash posted 12/28/2019 21:51 PM

I do agree that control is a big thing for me. I donít know that I necessarily felt that like I was trying to get up front before my husband had the chance to leave me. Or if I did, it wasnít a conscience decision. But control is huge. I know a lot of my life I didnít have control of the outcome of anything in my life. When I went away to college, I kind of isolated myself from my home life. Looking back, I allowed myself to be hurt and used by a lot of people. I always felt like a second choice because I was too weak to demand that I be a first choice. I let people walk all over me and use me as they see fit. They all knew Iíd never lash out or seek revenge. Iíd peacefully bow out. No fight in me. Then I met my BH right before I graduated. He was so different. He has always put me first. Put my happiness first. There was for sure some resentment from him based on my behavior (rightfully, but even that took time). Ultimately he would always give in and do whatever I thought I needed to make me happy. Iíve always had control in our marriage, whether I realized it or not. Iíve never had that before and I am ashamed that thatís how it has been. I think the fact that he was the first person that had ever given a damn about how I felt and what I wanted was the best and worst thing for me. Clearly, being cared about is a good thing. But I didnít appreciate it. I took it for granted. I never learned to be a decent wife and safe partner for him. I found control and I ran with it. When he says ďI wish I had our old life backĒ, I cringe. Not because I donít want the trust and loyalty back, but because for the first time in our relationship, I can see what a terrible partner I was even before the affair. I donít want our old life back. Sure, I want the trust. I want him to believe we can get through anything. I want us to believe our love is stronger than anything. But that relationship, even pre A, wasnít healthy or ok. I want a relationship where he feels like an equal partner. Loved and respected. Listened to. I donít want there to be control. Only teamwork and compromise. I want to be a person that he can trust to always think about his best interest and put it first. I am so disgusted with myself because he spent a long time believing that no matter how awful I was, loyalty and trust were enough to make up for it. Then I betrayed him anyway. Nothing about how I have been as a wife is ok. I never want to go back to that old life. I never want him to settle for less than he deserves. I want him to trust that he deserves better and that our old life isnít worth having back. I feel like Iíve played a huge role in his low standards for what he deserves. Itís not ok. I donít know how to convince him otherwise. He never deserved any of this.

100% agree with the last statement. I have no intention to rugsweep or pretend this never happened. Just a thought to go along with the idea of ďjust getting over itĒ. It just canít be done.

Zugzwang posted 12/29/2019 08:14 AM

Maybe Iím wrong, but life would be easier if I could just move past this and pretend it never happened.

Okay, and do what? Continue to live the with who you are as a person that was willing to hurt someone they claim to love? Denial leaves you stuck. It is all part of the same perspective and mindset of "moving past it". You just don't move past it. You heal it.


You make statements, when you are challenged you amend them. Say you only share so much here. With strangers. Okay. It seems more like WS control tactics to me. It isn't just that you don't share. You share, get challenged, then change or amend. If it were info you felt you wouldn't share...why share it after you are "pegged wrong".

When you make blanket statements that you suspect people will read into and think otherwise of you. Why not just stop making such blanket statements and say...my BS stated, my BS asked for the additional NC, my AP is vengeful there is info I haven't shared...

really, you state that

I hate feeling like heís out there, waiting to get some kind of revenge. Maybe thatís just an irrational fear, but I feel like if he had the chance to ruin my life more, he would. (I have no proof or reason to believe this. Just a thought that scares me.)
someone suggests you like having the AP think about you and want you and that you yourself say you might be irrational and then claim
There is way more to the revenge and fear part with the AP. Things my BH is fully aware of. You are welcome to your opinion


You agree control is a big thing with you. It just might be an even bigger monster than you are willing to see. You have used that here since you arrived. It really hasn't changed much. You may or may not realize you post like that.

When a WS heals, owns it, and gets it, and changes. They do move past it. They caused it. You absolutely can move past it. When you own it, because the perspective changes that it isn't just about "moving past".

Iamtrash posted 12/29/2019 09:13 AM

It would be easier. Itís not the choice I am making.

The reason I bring up things like ďBS statedĒ is because itís relevant. Thereís a big difference between ďIím planning on writing a revised NCĒ and ďI was considering a revised NC with the blessing of my BS.Ē If someone just came in here and stayed they were going to contact their AP in any way, shape, or form, I doubt a single person in here would be like, ďyes, great idea.Ē Itís a clarification of context. I do specify as often as possible so there is no misunderstanding.

The reality is that whether I revise my information or not, there is information being held onto. My BS understands and seems to support what I choose not to share, at least to my face he does. Iím sure you donít get the full story from either of us. And thatís likely the case with most posts in here.

I still feel owning it and moving past it are different things. This is traumatic and life changing for all of us. I can own it. We can live with it. It will never be forgotten and even years down the line, he may trust me but this will always be in the back of his head.

Control has changed in my relationship. Whether my BH can see it yet or not is a different story. Only consistency and time will prove that to him. But yes, I do get to keep control of what I share here. He does support that. At least in person. I canít speak for what he says or posts here.

Zugzwang posted 12/29/2019 12:16 PM

I am not reading your husband's posts. I think I did once a long time ago. I don't even know what his name is.

Moving past something does not mean you forget. It means you continue to live your life, in a changed healthy way. Personally I think it is only traumatic for the innocent. Children and BS. It is life changing for everyone. I am just pointing out that what you call not moving past something, because he may not want to stay married is in reality moving on. He just does it without you. You made it sound like if he didn't stay and trust you, he isn't moving past it if he moved on.

I am fully prepared for him to say he canít move past this and move on with his life.

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