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So lost

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TimSC posted 12/27/2019 10:18 AM

Have her write a timeline of the affair.

How it started.
When and where they were physical.
How she was feeling.

If she invited him over for sex while you were out of town it was most likely in your bed.

She has made a joke of your marriage. Willingly thrown away one of the most precious part of your marriage. Chose him over you and your family time and time again. Told OM she was in love with him. That type of person does not change over night and suddenly become a safe partner.

See a lawyer to get an idea of how divorcing her will look. Most lawyer give a free consultation.

Take you time to decide. Life changing decisions should not be made while your mind and heart are being pulled apart.

I could never get over her destroying the trust and love that comes from being each others only partner.

Consider a polygraph to ensure you are getting the true story.

You must tell the OM's wife. She deserves the whole truth. Your wife will probably cry that you are destroying their family. Guess what, it was them and their actions that destroyed both families.

Trdd posted 12/27/2019 13:08 PM

Only you can decide what is right for you moving forward. Advice on what to do along the way to get out of infidelity is very, very helpful. However, advice on the actual decision, well, I think is less helpful. You know you and your needs best.

You have a lot of time invested in the marriage. She appears to be doing the right things now to support your healing, which is a sign that reconciliation might work. Many WS don't ever really come around like that so amidst this tragedy it is at least a good sign that your marriage could likely heal if you decide to offer her reconciliation.

Of course the betrayal is deep so no one here would blame you if you choose D either. It is a double whammy of sorts because it happened at church and you seem to be a man of faith. But it is good to have and keep both options, D and R, on the table as you heal a bit and take time to think this through. Think and carefully observe her actions over time.

Please make sure to follow up with the posom's BS and let her know about the sex. It will hold posom accountable and be treating the other BS with the respect she deserves. Is there some type of professional organization that should know about the om? Yes, your WW accepted his advances and is guilty too but was he the main pursuer? If so, he may be a danger in other churches if allowed to work in that environment again.

TheGuy123 posted 12/27/2019 18:44 PM

Now that she has turned the "corner", she needs to affair proof the marriage and you get to verify her commitment.

There lays the real work.

If she is willing to be the prisoner and you the warden...well then welcome to the Infidelity Police Academy.

I'm telling you this is very rare so I want to caution you and warn you about a false R!

Have you received her A time line? Have you discussed your boundaries that she has that will help you feel safe? Can she except the huge degree of submission she most have for you to feel safe in keeping her around?

Besides being transparent has she kneeled down in front of you and thanked you for the gift you are offering?

Sometimes folks take the gift of forgiveness for granted....please be cautious, and emotionally protect your self. If she doesn't feel safe or isn't submitting...well then get out of infidelity now and avoid D-day#4...

It will be a few years before she is allowed out alone before you feel safe. Can she handle that? Can you emotionally handle another D-day?


On a side note...she can always get another burner phone...but a solid chastity belt is worth it's weight in gold! I made the inquisition look like recess (I'm wired different then most) when I found out and my old lady wanted to stick around after her A.

Seriously....if your old lady is willing to submit to how you protect the marriage and she does the heavy lifting to be allowed to stay, then give it a shot. At the end of the day the risk you take is on you....consider your self warned!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 7:00 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Dispirited posted 12/28/2019 15:21 PM

"Perhaps", someone can explain "why"- with supposed(good luck with that one:) religiosity and an appearance of moral fiber (why the f..k engage in supposed BS titles within an organization?) To be more specific..people join religious organizations, yet their compass suddenly turns to shit. So - why is no one questioning that BS?

Yes, people are fallible, BUT when supposed religious and moral people simply succumb? Then I suggest that these people extricate themselves "because" they are NOT a proponent of that supposed thinking. In other words? Don't schmooze others that suddenly you're a 'moral person. and they don't get it. Why? Because these are "mariginal" people who look for others to SAVE them. Idiots.

Dispirited posted 12/28/2019 15:30 PM

And those who attempt to instill in others that THEY are suddenly (because of a pseudo affiliation to whatever religion) an example? Whenever I read stories of "supposed" religious officials and those Naiive congregants, it becomes obvious that those with no moral compass OR any ability to filter anything, they "believe" the BS. And so- whether naivete or simply disguised excuses. These so-called religious people who drop their pants in a heart beat, please remind me how not to act:)

Dispirited posted 12/28/2019 15:50 PM

Always tough to swallow the reality. "How" can this person suddenly turn into someone you never thought would suddenly"turn". My suggestion? Expose the "supposed" religious mentor. No difference simply because they hide behind that BS religiosity.

And walk away..you "thought" that a supposedly religious woman would remain faithful. And again- human frailties, but this is more pronounced... She should step back and realize that she hurt you in the end. And all of the f...g BS religious excuses are obvious to me. Religion has no place here.

And so you need to decide. If it were me, I would blow her off with no expectation of any reconciliation. Often...a solitary mistake is one thing.This is far more than that and sadly they never get how much they damage others.

Dispirited posted 12/28/2019 16:33 PM

Meaning? Faith in a person who "supposedly" aligns to moral tenets.Was that not an attraction per se? The fact that she engaged (at least on the surface) in similar thought to you.

When I was married, I was hit on multiple times by other women.I'm not a saint, but I took my vows seriously.I scoffed at any attempt to tempt me. And what is so ridiculous, my ex wife and last GF thought nothing of cheating on me. I was a good husband and BF. Still..not good enough.


It's sad that so many hurt people seek help here. Yet, a good thing that this site is a way out of isolation and support. I and others miss the initial background to this great site. I have cancer myself and take it day by day. Such a great person who made so much effort in this site. To this day, I am sad of her passing.She was an exceptional person- so understanding. So courteous...so cognizant of others no matter what the situation. And "that" is how special she was.

With all of the sadness day in and day out, please know that your wife was SO special. I understand your loss, yet I hope that you realize that "somehow" her spirit will be a part of you:)As I'm sure it is now:)

Dispirited posted 12/28/2019 17:32 PM

Because of human "frailty"...to what extent do we simply overlook? Do what extent do we 'forgive"? Obviously, each unfortunately is riddled with all of these questions. And each one has to unfortunately make a decision. Suddenly confronted with a situation that most never imagined.

I always say this...."if" these people who did this and that to their partner, what if "someone" did the same thing to them? And never a reply. It's called empathy.

Never forget where you came from:)

Buffer posted 12/29/2019 12:28 PM

Brother, if you get her to write out her A time line, also get her to include her emotions at each text and stage. Also how she justified her actions to herself and God?

Buffer

swmnbc posted 12/29/2019 13:01 PM

I'm so sorry your wife and her AP put you in this position.

I made a lot of allowances for my husband and the OW too because I'm a nice person who didn't want anyone to be shamed. You gave them a grace period to extricate themselves from their jobs without paying the consequences, but it's not your responsibility to suffer further to make things easier for them. The same thing goes for telling the AP's wife. She deserves to know that her sexual health has been compromised. It's nice that you want her to get through the holidays but the sooner she knows the truth, the sooner her healing can begin.

Many times it's the actions of our wayward spouses after we have the initial D-Day that make or break the marriage. I can understand why humans would find an affair appealing, but to lie to my face after I've begged for the truth and a fresh start is very tough to swallow.

Be kind to yourself. There's no rush to decide the path forward for your family.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/8/2020 14:52 PM

You said the two of you were each others firsts....that is very powerful! What are your feelings of that now, now that she is no longer yours and you no longer hers?

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