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Now what?

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NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 10:28 AM

The background
I've always been the outsider. Never had friends. I don't mean that I never had real friends, I mean friends at all. Even as kid I was the weird, nerdy kid. The only times someone actually talked to me was when the needed to copy my homework or to have someone to copy from in tests at school. The same after school at work. Yes I have co-workers with whom I can go and have a few drinks, but that's about it. On a daily basis they just come to me when they need my help in something.
Additional to that I have Asperger syndrome. For those who aren't aware of such thing - it basically means that my brain processes information differently, usually more efficiently than normal. But it has a drawback. Most commonly (also in my case) the person with Asperger can't identify or process emotions. Since I grew up with this I've learned to identify other people emotions and learned the accepted response to those, but that's more like an automatic reply to an input. Also it means that I can't really process my own emotions. I don't know if I'm happy or sad. Are those emotions mine or I just pretend to have them because society expects me to have them.
This all combined has left me with depression since an early age. I'm 31 now and the last time I remember that I was happy and didn't have suicidal thoughts from time to time is when I was 4 years old. With time I've learned to deal with it in my own way without medications or therapy.

The relationship beginnings
Being the weird, nerdy kid combined with my not very attractive looks was never a success story with women. Most girls in school didn't want me to be near them. So it was actually a miracle I met my first girlfriend. But it was a weird relationship. Yes we were a couple, but she didn't want anyone else to know that and didn't want to be seen in public with me. But she didn't cheat on me. As you can imagine such relationship wasn't meant to last long. After a year she even urged me to find someone else. So through a friend I met someone. I was just after a relationship and she recently got rejected by her crush. Not the ideal start. Almost immediately we started dating. Her parents were very protective about her and not very happy that she was in a relationship. They said that I won't marry her and will leave her at any time. So about half a year into the relationship she had an argument with her parents about this and she wrote me a message "Let's get married!". We were in love at that point so I said yes. Since I'm a bit old-fashioned guy, the next day I proposed to her properly. A month later we were married. That was 13 years ago. Soon after we had a daughter (she's 12 now).
Ever since I met her till about 2-3 years into the marriage my depression was gone. But it came back. My wife has always supported me when I needed help. But it slowly drove her into a mild depression. So lately I try to keep my problems to myself and help her.
Yes we had issues, like every couple does, but we always worked it out.

First time
About 7-8 years ago after coming home from work I saw that my wife wasn't there. It wasn't like her, since she usually told me where she was going or with whom. So I started to call her several times, but no answer. My subconsciousness was killing me by saying that something is not right. So I did something I never did before. I went on her social media and I saw that she's been chatting with a guy. Well chatting wouldn't be a problem, but one message stood out. A few days ago he wrote "How did it feel when my hand slid under your skirt?". From the last messages I understood that she was with him.
Later I confronted her about it. In tears she swore that she didn't know what came over her and why she even began chatting with him. Also swore that the "hand under the skirt" did nothing and that they never slept. During this confrontation she said when we got married she didn't really love me and the marriage was more to prove a point to her parents. But with time she started to love me.
It took some time, but we patched it all up and were happy together again.

Last Saturday

In September this year my wife started to study medicine and I supported her anyway I could. But as you can imagine the studies put a lot of stress on her. In November there was a concert by a band she really liked and wanted to go. As it was on a Wednesday and I had work before and after that I wasn't very thrilled about that and also I didn't like band that much. But she really wanted and said that she'll go with a friend of us so someone will watch over her. I agreed to that.
Now in December when the exams began she wanted to go out with girls from collage to celebrate passing a few exams. I saw how much stress she was under and I wanted her to celebrate, but since I didn't know anyone from the collage I would be just a third wheel pulling her down. So I let her go.
Last Saturday out of nowhere she said that she will go out again with those girls. Since she basically told me that when she was stepping out of the door I said OK. It was the middle of the day, so I thought she will be back around evening. When I called her and asked when she will come back she just said it will be a bit longer and that I shouldn't wait for her. Again my subconsciousness started to kill me again. I tried to silence it by telling that I must be imagining things. But without luck. So I did what I didn't do for 7-8 years - again I went on her social media. I saw that she's been chatting again with the same guy. The last message sent shortly after she left the house was "I'm coming". So it was clear where she was.

I didn't have time to read through the whole conversation I downloaded, so I did that on Sunday at work. Until I started reading the messages I was hoping that it was all in my mind. Meeting up with old friends I would understand even though I wouldn't be happy that it was him. When I started to read the messages it was clear that it was not just chatting. It was more like sexting. She even sent him photos of herself, I guess you can imagine what was in those in photos and that I don't want to un-see them.

So I confronted her by calling with the nickname that guy gave her. Of course she confessed. In tears she swore that again she didn't know what came over her. That this guy had an affect on her. She admitted that they have slept together. Not only once but several times. And not not only now but also before 7-8 years. All she could tell in her defense was that she just wanted sex and there are no emotions. That guy also has a girlfriend so he wouldn't even want her for anything else.
To be fair - we haven't had sex for what seems ages. She never was sexually active. So it was on me to initiate it. But since I didn't want to force it on her with time I got used to it and it seemed she's fine with it. About 2-3 years ago I went to a psychiatrist in an attempt to get rid of my depression once and for all. I was on medications for a while. That actually killed my sexdrive at all. It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with her, it was more like I just don't want sex at all. At that point her sexdrive kicked in and she wanted sex almost daily. But now I was the one holding back. I suggested that she might try to seduce me a bit (something she never did). Almost the next day she was back to not wanting sex. But since it's been a year I'm off the medications my sexdrive is back. Basically we both were wanting sex, but I didn't force it on her and she just didn't show any signs.
The next "funny" thing was that throughout our 13+ year relationship I tried to have some kinky conversation with her, but she never went along with it. I even asked her for some photos "to help me get through the day till I see her" on several times. She sent me once a photo of her in her bra, but it wasn't a "here's a sexy one for you". It was more like "here you go, now shut up". So you can imagine how I felt when I saw that this guy is getting from her the same thing what I was even begging for years without even asking.

Now what?
Another day has passed and I'm no wiser. There is war in me now. One side says that she's really sorry and to forgive her, the other side says to kick her out the door.
When I confronted her I asked her to choose - he or me. She said that she chooses me, since we have a daughter that needs a family. Only after asking if that is the only reason why she chose me she said that she loves me.
There is a war inside me now. One side says that she's really sorry and to forgive her. The other side says that it's not the first time and to kick her out. Then there is also the side that says that our daughter needs a family.
So today I sit here at work in a 7th floor office, trying to deal with my depression which is now back with full throttle. Fighting the urge to just open the window and to end it all ... (but I will not since I know my daughter needs me).
I don't have anyone to ask for advice among the people I know and I also don't want everyone to know about this as I see that my wife is really ashamed about what happened.

beenthereinco posted 12/23/2019 10:51 AM

Hi Nobody,
Sorry you are here. Your WW has given you the answer to what she wants from you. A stable home for her and your daughter. That is all she wants. She doesn't want physical intimacy from you and she has to be prompted to say she loves you. She is likely sticking with you until she gets through school. Are you taking on debt to allow her to go to school?

Again I am sorry but from where I sit it sounds like you are being used here. This guy has been the third person in your marriage for the past 8 years. He will be there forever it seems to me. You need to decide for yourself what you should accept but if it were me I would divorce her and look for someone that I could trust and admire.

sisoon posted 12/23/2019 10:59 AM

There are 2 sides to this, NoBody87.

On one hand, you need to heal from the pain that comes with being betrayed. Once you start doing that - and from what you say, you are aware of some feelings, though perhaps in a fairly unique way - and you need to learn to process them out of your body.

Also, you could help yourself with some therapy, if you find a good therapist, to change your view of yourself. You're different from most folks, but you're just as good as everybody else.

If you stay together, your W needs to change from a cheater to a good partner. She's done this with the same guy with at least 2 episodes, and perhaps one long episode. She's the one who messed up, no matter how different you are.

I'm ADD. I'm a pain in the neck to live with in some ways. You, too, are probably a pain in the neck to live with in some ways. BUT that isn't why our Ws cheated. They cheated because they're messed up.

Your W can heal herself and be a good candidate for R if she's willing to change.

Your internal war is entirely normal. It's something many of us go through. Feeling awful - angry, sad, scared - is normal for most of us and maybe you feel at least some of that, too.

Start with basics: do you know what you want? Or do you want one thing one moment and and another the next?

BTW, you're not the only SI member with Asperger's. You are really not alone.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:59 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Marz posted 12/23/2019 11:12 AM

She had an affair, it was rug swept and the affair either restarted or never ended. You only know the tip of the iceberg.

Cheaters lie a lot. It was probably a physical affair.

If nothing gets fixed then you have a high chance of a repeat which is what you're experiencing.

The affair is 100% on her. She made a very conscious decision to engage.

There are no excuses.

Marz posted 12/23/2019 11:15 AM

When I confronted her I asked her to choose - he or me. She said that she chooses me, since we have a daughter that needs a family. Only after asking if that is the only reason why she chose me she said that she loves me.

Shes a proven liar. Right now she's in self protection mode. At this time you don't know how this is going to Ho.

Facts are she picked him over you for the second time. If it ever ended.

You'd be wise to find out if he's married and inform his wife. That's the surest way of trying to end the affair. Do not tell your wife your plans.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:15 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Marz posted 12/23/2019 11:17 AM

It would probably be good for you to get some IC help.

TheGuy123 posted 12/23/2019 11:43 AM

Find out who this guy is and tell his girl friend.

Lighthouse1234 posted 12/23/2019 11:49 AM

Hey Nobody, you need to close that window. Focus on your daughter right now and let time calm you. Think about all the great accomplishments that your kid has done and ones yet to come. You said your daughter needs you just as you need her too. Find comfort no matter how difficult it is right now of all the other good things in your life. They are there if you look for them.

ChamomileTea posted 12/23/2019 11:51 AM

I agree with Sisoon about getting into therapy. It really sounds like you've never had a meaningful support network, like you've just been dealing with things on your own. And frankly, adultery is just too difficult to deal with on your own, even for people who aren't on the spectrum and/or have no history of depression. I'm very glad that you found us here at SI, and you'll get lots of support here. But you still need people in your real life to help you navigate such turbulent waters. Don't be afraid to interview several therapists. The important thing is to find the right fit.

In terms of whether or not your marriage can be repaired, people have come back from worse and made it work. But it takes TWO. You would both have to be "all in". It's difficult, but it's possible. Only you can decide if it's worth the trouble. No cheater is owed a second chance, and your cheater would be on her third. You're not a bad guy if you decide you just don't want to continue with her. It does sound like you have TIME to make that decision though.

I would start with IC (individual counseling) in order to get my head together and come to a decision about what to do. IC for her in order for her to find out what's broken in her character which allowed cheating to be a choice. Remember that nothing we do (or don't do) can cause someone to abandon their own stated values. Your WW had other choices she could make if she wasn't content within the marriage. She could have talked to you about it. She could have asked for counseling. She could have filed for divorce. She didn't. She chose to cheat instead.

Typically, we would advise to wait on MC (marriage counseling) because sometimes couple's therapists can make the situation worse by not spending enough time dealing with the adultery before tackling marital issues. In your case though, I would think additional communications assistance might be in order. Just be wary when choosing one. Find out up front if they believe that cheating is a character issue or a marital issue. If it's the latter, you'll end up with a blame-shifter who doesn't encourage your WW to make good internal changes.

The key to Reconciliation is that the WS makes those changes. If you look at the gap between a person's stated values and their actual behavior, that's the character flaw. Your WW's stated values are monogamy and faithfulness. Her action though was adultery. It's all about what's inside her that made it okay to reject her values and CHOOSE to cheat. You aren't a part of that. Nothing you did could have changed her belief system. So, you don't accept blame-shifting.. not from her, not from a counselor, not from family members. She has to repair her internal thought-process so that her actions consistently reflect her values.

It's a tough situation. We've all been where you are, so we know. And you'll get good support here, but it's not enough to win the day. You'll need to get some good therapists on board. You will also need to take really good physical care of yourself because this kind of emotional stress takes a toll on the body. That means eating right, keeping yourself hydrated, getting good sleep, and avoiding alcohol. Good self care is a big priority, so you'll want to take it seriously. See your doctor for stress management and STI testing.

Strength and healing to you.

NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 12:04 PM

There is a secina side to the story of being ďusedĒ here. When we both met she was still in school and because we fell in love she screwed up school and only last year (at age 30) finished middle school (thatís the same level of High school in USA). As you can imagine without this level of education getting a job is impossible. So itís partially my fault here (and I know youíll try to prove otherwise).

I was in therapy. The changes it had on me actually made the relationship worse I think.
Iím not really familiar with the acronyms you use here - ADD? R?
As for what I want - itís more like one second I want to forgive her, the next I want to forget it happened but not forgive, the third I want to tell her to pack her things and get out. But to be honest most of the time I want to fix it all.

@Marz and TheGuy123
That thought has crossed my mind (besides killing him, which wouldnít ever do). I even looked him up on the social media but there was no relationship status and I simply couldnít get myself to go through his posts to find something. But then again Iím not such a person to actually do something like that.

beenthereinco posted 12/23/2019 12:18 PM

I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm pointing out what I think based upon what information you have given which I thought is what you wanted when you came on a site like this. From my perspective your WW wants you to provide for her while she has a boyfriend. She doesn't treat you with respect and she doesn't act like a wife should towards you. She withholds physical intimacy from you and gives it to another man. That to me is not the picture of a relationship that can nor should be saved.

Cooley2here posted 12/23/2019 12:27 PM

Two things to think about. The first is the lies your wife has been telling you and the second is if you want to continue your marriage.

If you want to stay married I hope you can find a therapist who can work with both of you. In your case, because you deal in facts, you probably miss some subtle facial expressions and tones of voice. Her conversations are just different from yours. Neither of you can help that. A therapist trained in how to help people on the spectrum might be able to get the two of you to a place where you can converse. Your wife needs to be very clear with you about how she feels and what she thinks. She cannot expect you to pick up on clues because you are on the spectrum. You need to be very careful who you pick to help the two of you.

The second issue. Are you willing to live with a woman who has cheated on you and lied for several years? What are her plans for the future. Does she expect you to support her while she finishes school and then leaves you? It worries me because that seems to be what sheís doing right now. You need to protect yourself. Look at the reality of your life.

I am sorry that you have felt lonely most of your life. Look around and see if thereís a support group for people with Aspergerís. You need to belong to groups that enjoy the same things you do. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage you need others like you with whom you could enjoy friendships.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:29 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 12:29 PM

I understood that and appreciate any help. I was just giving additional information.

NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 12:34 PM

@Cooley2here and others
She did not lie about the affair for years. After the first time she broke up the contact with him as he moved out of the country. In November when she went to the concert with a friend of ours she met him again and with that the contact restarted. The next day after the concert is the first message I saw between them.

TheGuy123 posted 12/23/2019 12:40 PM

If you want to see what your old lady is made of piss her off and make the affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

Better to see how hard she wants this marriage now rather then living in limbo while she manipulates you in sharing her with anther man.

If she is so easily pushed away then you know where she stand with regards to how important her marriage truly is!

At the end of the day (if she wants to) she will work very hard to save this marriage...and folks seem to value the things they have to work for.

TheGuy123 posted 12/23/2019 12:45 PM

Bad behavior has consequences...lets see if she will face the consequences.

They say "bad behavior continues with out consequences".

Check out the healing library, the 180, and gym... work out/run. That helped me.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:47 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 12:53 PM

Donít think that getting an extra argument now would be a good thing, but that might be just my opinion. I really donít know. Never thought it might happen (but I guess everyone here has said that).

The suggestions about counseling or pair therapy is good, but unfortunately I canít really afford that. Itís not that I have financial issue itís just that the cost of even one session per month is really expensive in my country.

[This message edited by NoBody87 at 12:58 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

TheGuy123 posted 12/23/2019 12:55 PM

How much shame can she have....you are the only one that knows!!!

Now if you expose this and let others know you will no longer share your wife with her boyfriend.

Well then shame can be a real consequences. Especially if some one she values like a close relative or true long time friend knows about the A.

Having her go down and get tested for STD's can also be shameful.

NoBody87 posted 12/23/2019 13:06 PM

I donít really want to shame her.

Even though there are things I donít trust her yet, I trust that she is ashamed of the whole thing. Call me foolish but after 13 years together I know when sheís ashamed of something.

KingofNothing posted 12/23/2019 13:45 PM

Even though there are things I donít trust her yet, I trust that she is ashamed of the whole thing. Call me foolish but after 13 years together I know when sheís ashamed of something.

Not ashamed enough to stop an affair that will destroy your family. Not ashamed enough to simply tell you the truth without you having to snoop for it. I know this is devastating, but you need to wake up. She isnít willing to go no contact. This isnít remorse. Itís her being embarrassed for getting caught, again, with the same guy. She doesnít sound like sheís making any effort for you. She sends the other guy nudes, and not you, even when you ask, even after you both know she committed adultery.

Face it, she will continue this. Thereís no consequences for her, is there? Why should she stop? She has it made. A stable babysitter that never confronts her when she fucks another guy. Itís perfect for her, miserable for you. Putting on my fortune tellers hat, I predict as soon as she graduates, itís bye bye! Thanks for being a bank all those years!

Iím not saying this to be mean. Iím actually kind of sad... Iíve seen almost exactly this situation happen before. Everyone got what they wanted, except for the poor ex hubby... left holding the debt for paying school for his ex, who cheated on him all through college, then divorced him. Donít be that guy.

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