"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Trapster posted 12/22/2019 19:55 PM

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and we have 4 kids together. We have had our ups and downs especially recently. I've been away from home on business for a couple months now and I'm going to remain away for a while longer. About a month ago ae had a huge fight over the phone and it ended in my wife telling me we were going to get divorced. She met a male friend online and they talked off and on for a week. She invited him over to my house (my wifes mom was there as well) just to hang out and she told me everything including that they wouldnt drink. I had a bad feeling that night and called her, she didnt answer the phone but she messaged me and said that he had already been there and had been gone for a while. 2 days later she messages me and says we need to talk and she called me. She told me that they were drinking, and that he had stayed at my house for about 4 hours and they just talked. She said that she vaguely remembers him talking to her and he kissed her, and it lead to my couch and she can remember him performing certain acts on her. She says she realized what had happened and stopped him and had him leave my house. When she told me all of this I was broken, and she answered all of my questions, got an std test and everything. She says she cant remember the whole night just bits and pieces because of how much they had drank. I've been asking her questions about this day and night since it happened and a week ago we got into it pretty bad again. My wife's reaction was to drink an unreasonable amount of wine, and liquor. She says she called him and she talked about all the things that had been going on in our marriage. She claims he told her that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. She called me sobbing the day after she talked to him again and we talked for 2 hours, and promises that hes blocked again. I asked her why she would call him and she said she didn't have anyone to talk to and that he made her feel like someone cared and I hadn't been their emotionally for her for years. I'm so confused and lost, I'm not there with my wife so I feel like I cant do anything. Even on good days my mind still sometimes thinks that shes still taking to him, or shes not telling me the full story.

Buffer posted 12/22/2019 20:04 PM

Sorry brother, how long until you can get home to see her?
Could she have been targeted by her OM and given too much to drink?
Where was her mother?
What boundaries have been agreed to with your graveling?
Keep the communication open to her and look into family support services.

Buffer

Trapster posted 12/22/2019 20:10 PM

I'm going to be gone for a while, not sure how much longer exactly. We agreed on NC with him. As for her being a target I have no idea, she swears to me that she had no intentions of anything happening and I believe her. When he kissed my wife and did the other "stuff" her mom had gone upstairs for about 15 minutes.

Marz posted 12/22/2019 20:10 PM

Sorry man but her words don't mean much.

Better get strong and stay there

RubixCubed posted 12/22/2019 22:04 PM

You haven't gotten anywhere close to the whole story or the truth. They always minimize. You can safely assume they had sex and the fact that she invited him over and then called him back and justified it with "no one to talk to" pretty much means you don't have much to work with with her.

GoldenR posted 12/22/2019 22:31 PM

She remembers everything just fine. Claiming alcohol made her do things that she doesn't remember is used by WWs sooooo very much, and it's always a lie.

They had sex.

Knowing that, how do you want to proceed?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:49 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Michigan posted 12/22/2019 23:13 PM

She said that she vaguely remembers him talking to her and he kissed her, and it lead to my couch and she can remember him performing certain acts on her. She says she realized what had happened and stopped him and had him leave my house.

Trapster

That's rape. Has she called the police?

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:14 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Marauder posted 12/23/2019 00:47 AM

Cheaters lie, cheaters minimize. This was set up, planned in advance, she made it happen. Either she did this with four kids and her mother around, or she had them all be absent so it could go down. She's still in contact with him too.

Unless she puts her money where her mouth is, which means immediately reporting him to the police, she is in all likelihood lying through her teeth.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/23/2019 01:03 AM

As for her being a target I have no idea,

Uh uh. Don't put the shit on the AP. It should be 100% on your WW. By blaming the AP for 'targeting' her, you are indirectly absolving her of her decisions SHE made.

she swears to me that she had no intentions of anything happening and I believe her.

How many times have we seen this on SI. This is always a minimization, making it 'less hurtful'. It becomes even more disrespectful that it happened in your home, and you MIL being there just amped up the thrill factor.

You are in a very difficult position now, as you are not able to see your WW. Distance can be both a boon and a bane. It can be advantageous because it will allow you some space to think without her presence, but on the flip side, you not being there will make your mid wander; 'Will she unblock him again?', 'Is he at the house now?', 'If MIL is not in the house, are they going at it like rabbits?'.

You are in an unenviable position.

A good course of action is to think of the best, but plan for the worst.

anoldlion posted 12/23/2019 01:29 AM

Time to tell her that if this guy is there emotionally for her, and he seems to be getting sex also, then he can start paying the bills at the house she is inviting him into. You can then save that money to invest in yourself. You will support you children but not her and some backdoor tomcat looking to get laid. I do wish you well.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/23/2019 07:47 AM

That's rape. Has she called the police?

Yep. Either she was raped and would be outraged or devastated, or she's lying. He did all this in the 15 minutes that her mother had gone upstairs? Does that sound reasonable to you?

Why would she invite some random man she met online over to the house? With the kids there?! That is extremely dangerous. Unless she's an idiot (which is very possible), I would guess that she met him at least once before.

Evermore posted 12/23/2019 08:11 AM

Such a difficult situation either she was raped or she crafted a perfect lie, and both scenarios require completely different actions.

One common action between them both is IC.

I can give you perspective on why she called him if she was raped. For some women there is a compelling urge to actually make their rapist comfortable. I think their are two reasons, the first being it aids in denial. The second is more complex, almost like a mini Stockholm Syndrome. After being attacked you are afraid to be attacked again so trying to establish good will provides comfort.

I apologized to my Rapist after. It is something I have had to unpack for years.

This board will offer you a lot of advice if this was a finely crafted lie. It is hard to say what the truth is. Good luck.

goalong posted 12/23/2019 08:33 AM

Her actions are so reckless and you and your family are in danger. Hope you recorded the happenings you mentioned in your first post. If not try to get her to repeat them and record them.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:34 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Thislife posted 12/23/2019 08:39 AM

I don’t believe for one second that she was raped/forced/unaware of what was happening.

I believe she lowered her inhibitions with alcohol and is using alcohol as an excuse because today she feels some guilt and like the “bad guy”... this is not her fault or, for that matter his, it’s alcohols fault.

She set that whole scenario up - she did - those are her actions....look at her actions.

What if this is the actual truth;
She complained about her marriage - she let him know you were away and would continue to be away for awhile - she invited him over (damn, her mother being party to this behavior - if that’s even true but if it is then all three of them disrespected you in your home) - she drank a shitload with a male stranger that she’s been leaning (and leading) on - more than likely.... sex happened but if it didn’t you already know the sexual acts that did happen. do you see yourself accepting and forgiving those acts?

Her behavior with you prior to the incident was already becoming sketchy... because I’ve BHDT, she purposely created that scenario to get to the ending that she did but I’m not sure that she counted on regretting it... I think that’s what you have here a little guilt and regret that she actually did it.

I believe the phone call to him instead of you was to get her story straight .... to make OM believe what she wants to believe but you see that story isn’t quite how it went down so - he told her to get her shit together and sort out her crap. He probably believes and believed that you were going away... headed for divorce and separated/ing.

You’re WS is a lying liar (like mine) - keeping you both in the middle.

My advice to you is to imagine the worst scenario that you could try to forgive her for and go from there. If you believe that you can try to forgive her - hold her accountable to the truth - make her do all the work to Learn how to be a safe partner ... and you take your time healing yourself from this trauma because this hurts deeply... no matter what happens to the marriage.

If you think you can stay in the marriage - it cannot begin YET because if your gut is talking to you about continued communication and lies from her - you need to listen yourself and NC her...

I’ve learned a few things from my experience with this and that is
1) if my gut instinct is telling me something then I’d better listen
2) remorse is completely different looking and feeling than guilt and regret.
3) you need honesty and remorse to start to feel safe unless you rugsweep the hell out of this.

I wish you clarity and a little peace as you go through this. i want you to know that nothing you did or didn’t do made her cheat - she chose all of that - you are in NO WAY responsible for her behavior. I am sorry that you are here in this place especially at this time and with so much distance from your home... please do your best to take care of yourself.
This shall all pass and you will be okay...

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/8/2020 15:39 PM

She/He invited a man/woman over....that should be enough for any spouse to say...from this point on whatever you say is bullshit.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 16:22 PM

She met a male friend online and they talked off and on for a week. She invited him over to my house (my wifes mom was there as well) just to hang out and she told me everything including that they wouldnt drink.

Women are specifically taught by other women (their mothers) to be aware of and attend to things like proximity, timing, setting, and circumstance with men. I am not saying “she asked for it,” If this was a legit predatory situation, that would be one thing.

But If she invited him over to your house to be alone with him, it was because they’d talked about sex (they texted and talked for a week) and she anticipated it. Women like sex as much as men, they are offered sex implicitly and overtly by men all the time, and they will arrange for setting, timing and location to ensure sex if they want it. It it’s *possible* your wife was preyed upon, but it is not probable.

It sounds like she is doing the typical WW preservation of her own self image (as in they rationalize in their heads things like, “I’m not a slut, so this just accidentally happened. I drank too much and he took advantage of me.” And then that’s what they tell you.) It makes them feel better, and most men (all of us, if we’re honest) want to believe these sorts of lies, so we go along with it. For awhile. Problem is, your brain won’t let you and months from now this will come raging back.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:27 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 16:33 PM

She told me that they were drinking, and that he had stayed at my house for about 4 hours and they just talked. She said that she vaguely remembers him talking to her and he kissed her, and it lead to my couch and she can remember him performing certain acts on her.

Think about this. FOUR HOURS with another man alone at your house? Two adults — not teenagers —who had already been texting constantly with each other for a week were alone with each other for half a day and all they did was talk?

And note the passivity of how she describes this to you! This is a WW’s rationalization Gremlins working overtime to give her a sellable backstory to her decision to invite another man over to your house for the express purpose of “fooling around” (cheaters use stupid teenager phrases like this also as a way of euphemistically minimizing).

And THEN she called him again? The supposed predator who poured too much liquor down her throat and manipulated her over to the couch where acts “were performed on her”?

Yeah. Okay.

Do you really buy this? You think your wife is just a shy woodland nymph who couldn’t have possibly planned sex with another man who just happened to occupy YOUR HOME for half a day (at least, let’s be honest) while you just happened to be out of town?

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:33 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 16:35 PM

he made her feel like someone cared and I hadn't been their emotionally for her for years

This is called blameshifting and rewriting the history of your marriage. Suddenly the marriage has been shitty for years. How convenient.

She’s trying to shift her shitty choices over to your shoulders (are they wide enough? Feel comfortable with that load?) and then telling you about how unhaaaappy she’s been in the marriage.

Here’s a tip: They all say this stuff. It’s all lies.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 16:36 PM

An easy way to cut through the bullshit and lies is to schedule a polygraph. If she won’t take it, she’s lying. If she fails, she’s lying. If she delivers a parking lot confession, she’s telling some of the truth but still lying and still needs to take the polygraph. It’s a great way to silence the white noise.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:37 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 16:47 PM

she swears to me that she had no intentions of anything happening and I believe her.

Oh, they always swear and swear and swear. So much swearing before God, on their mother’s grave, etc.

You’re saying you believe this. Other things you typed indicate you really don’t believe this.

And you shouldn’t.

I think you should talk to your mother-in-law, tell her the story your wife is giving you and see if it adds up to the whole “15 minutes” thing. And then tell your MIL, you think you need to call the policy because it’s a rape. I would pay good money to see your MIL’s reaction and what she’ll do. I predict she’ll try to dissuade you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:50 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]