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I found out 6/24/18, but still canít handle

Marlita posted 12/12/2019 20:38 PM

I still canít get over the shock!
Met him online 11 years ago.
Totally fell head over heels!
I was a single mom with two kids & was 100% honest!
Dated for a year before he met my kids!
He worked for the state police in another state.
He moved states over to me & we bought a house together.
Got married 7/6/13 & was never happier!
Totally head over heels & spoiled him rotten in EVERY way!
I always knew he was a hunter & had a ton of acreage in land.
Heíd often go hunting & I never bothered him, to respect his space.
UNTIL, I found out & he admitted to having an affair with someone who was in his life before I was. For 14 years!
This was confirmed after I spoke to her too!
Heíd been lying to both of us the entire time.
Trust is gone.
He has been putting efforts into moving forward, but I still have MANY reservations!
This destroyed my life!
How can I move on?
We are still married......

oldtruck posted 12/13/2019 05:47 AM

has WH gone NC with the OW?
has WH sent the OW a NC letter?
has WH blocked the OW?
has WH removed all social apps used to contact the
OW?
has WH stopped overnight and prolonged day trips?
has WH stopped trickle truthing you?
is WH willing to answer all your questions about
his affair?

without doing these things the broken trust can
never be repaired after an affair.

The1stWife posted 12/13/2019 06:41 AM

Have you received any professional counseling for this trauma and betrayal?

heartbroken_kk posted 12/13/2019 11:03 AM

I'm sorry you are here. You've been dealing with this for over a year, I think you need to get yourself into counselling to help you with your feelings and your strategy for dealing with them.

You obviously decided at the time to stay married and you haven't filed for divorce since then, so it sounds like you want to reconcile. This isn't easy.

Please provide more information about what he has done to regain your trust? What are the "efforts" you are seeing?

tushnurse posted 12/13/2019 12:43 PM

First I want to say welcome, and know that you are normal. It takes a long time to heal from this stuff. But like Old Truck pointed out, without your WS doing the work they need to do, you won't have a healthy relationship, and getting to a new normal and a healthy place won't happen.

What have you done to heal yourself?
What has he done to heal himself?

What are your dealbreakers, and if you don't have any, time to figure out why not. If you do have you enforced any?

You get to dictate how this goes. You don't have to stay, and R, you can walk away, and you can stay and try R, but then change your mind if your WS isn't doing the real work.

sisoon posted 12/13/2019 12:44 PM

Welcome to SI.

R is eminently possible if you both want it and if you both work for it, working on yourselves first.

I recommend reading 3 threads in the JFO forum. I recommend checking out 'Boundaries and Consequences...', 'Great Posts for Newbies...', and 'Before you say Reconcile.' As I write, they're all on the first page of the forum, but they may move to the 2nd soon.

I also recommend reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp? - if it makes sense to you, print it out, give it to your WSO, and discuss it.

I strongly recommend keeping SI to yourself for now. Your WSO may or may not become a good candidate for R. If he doesn't, he can use what you say on SI against you. If you give him the article above, just say you found it on the web.

How are you dealing with the feelings (anger, grief, fear,shame) that come with being betrayed?

Are you sleeping, eating, drinking enough water, drinking alcohol, using drugs, being active?

What has your H done to heal?

Marlita posted 12/17/2019 20:19 PM

Oldtruck.
All I know is all I KNOW.
The trust is dust.
He did call her in front of me, but who knows what he did/dies when Iím not around.
Because that he chose to take advantage of my trust in him, I have a history of not being a good forgiver, but a better revenger!
The man I married, is dead now, & Iíve mourned.
I still mourn. Deeply.
I donít believe one word he says anymore & itís actually made me stronger & more liberated.
The questions that I do ask, are responded in generic answers, so, Iíve come to accept that. Even if it is the truth.
There is no more truth now.
Iím living pretty much, by my rules now & have progressed from a submissive wife, to one who doesnít ask for permission anymore.
I have come this the acceptance that the trust is gone.
Iíve mentally separated already & am trying to focus & grow in other ways.

Marlita posted 12/17/2019 20:51 PM

heartbroken__kk
Thank you.
Iíve done counseling.
We have since moved to our dream beach home & I still need counseling.
Iím still hurting.
Not divorcing, yet....only because Iím living my best life now & he gives me whatever I want.
I feel like I deserve it & am not ready to jump ship yet....
There is no reconciliation to our marriage, but Iím not letting go that easy.
I believe that what goes around comes around & have told him this as well.
As a result of his actions, he barely has a fraction of me left.
Iím no ugly duckling & I know heís sweating in his boots!
I could never cheat on him, as much as Iíd like to. Iíve tried & just couldnít do it!
I was mad at myself for not, and shared that with him.
Iím taking things one day at a time.....maybe until something better comes along.
Still, not the life I was lead to believe I would live.

CoderMom posted 12/31/2019 21:24 PM

So Sorry to hear... Such a difficult situation, especially with him working in the field he does. Have you tried counseling?

MamaDragon posted 1/2/2020 09:36 AM

I am a better 'revenger' than a forgiver...but I did end up forgiving my FWH. It was an interesting journey, bc I wore my bitch boots for years (not months). To this day I still have them handy and it's over 12 plus years.

Does your WH still hunt? One of the things that helped me is that my FWH had to give up a lot of his friends to keep me bc they enabled the A.

He caters to me now more than I do to him. Before his A it was the other way around.

If he is treating you like a queen, giving you anything you want - let him do so while you figure out if you want to stay with him or not - or until 10 years is up so that you get more

Did his OW have a spouse or significant other?

believehalf posted 1/2/2020 11:28 AM

Iím assuming you have access to all financial information. Liars have many skeletons. That is a long time heís been with her, they might take it deep undercover.

Marlita posted 1/6/2020 19:57 PM

MamaDragon...
I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.
I still donít trust him.
I donít know that much about her, she has since changed her number.
Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didnít know, which to me is total BS!
In 5 months, itíll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!
Heís mostly ďgoneĒ from me now, although he tries.
Thereís a clear disconnect!
Iím not miserable, but Iím certainly not in love.....
Iím a different person now.
I certainly donít spoil or cater to him like I used to, thatís for sure.
But nonetheless, Iím still heartbroken & devastated.
Iíve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldnít bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!
I trust that karma will do its thing.
In the meantime, Iím trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.
Thank you!

Marlita posted 1/6/2020 19:57 PM

MamaDragon...
I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.
I still donít trust him.
I donít know that much about her, she has since changed her number.
Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didnít know, which to me is total BS!
In 5 months, itíll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!
Heís mostly ďgoneĒ from me now, although he tries.
Thereís a clear disconnect!
Iím not miserable, but Iím certainly not in love.....
Iím a different person now.
I certainly donít spoil or cater to him like I used to, thatís for sure.
But nonetheless, Iím still heartbroken & devastated.
Iíve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldnít bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!
I trust that karma will do its thing.
In the meantime, Iím trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.
Thank you!

Marlita posted 1/6/2020 19:57 PM

MamaDragon...
I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.
I still donít trust him.
I donít know that much about her, she has since changed her number.
Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didnít know, which to me is total BS!
In 5 months, itíll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!
Heís mostly ďgoneĒ from me now, although he tries.
Thereís a clear disconnect!
Iím not miserable, but Iím certainly not in love.....
Iím a different person now.
I certainly donít spoil or cater to him like I used to, thatís for sure.
But nonetheless, Iím still heartbroken & devastated.
Iíve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldnít bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!
I trust that karma will do its thing.
In the meantime, Iím trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.
Thank you!

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