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Newest Member: mkei

Just Found Out :
I found out 6/24/18, but still can’t handle

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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 2:38 AM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

I still can’t get over the shock!

Met him online 11 years ago.

Totally fell head over heels!

I was a single mom with two kids & was 100% honest!

Dated for a year before he met my kids!

He worked for the state police in another state.

He moved states over to me & we bought a house together.

Got married 7/6/13 & was never happier!

Totally head over heels & spoiled him rotten in EVERY way!

I always knew he was a hunter & had a ton of acreage in land.

He’d often go hunting & I never bothered him, to respect his space.

UNTIL, I found out & he admitted to having an affair with someone who was in his life before I was. For 14 years!

This was confirmed after I spoke to her too!

He’d been lying to both of us the entire time.

Trust is gone.

He has been putting efforts into moving forward, but I still have MANY reservations!

This destroyed my life!

How can I move on?

We are still married......

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8481634
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 11:47 AM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

has WH gone NC with the OW?

has WH sent the OW a NC letter?

has WH blocked the OW?

has WH removed all social apps used to contact the

OW?

has WH stopped overnight and prolonged day trips?

has WH stopped trickle truthing you?

is WH willing to answer all your questions about

his affair?

without doing these things the broken trust can

never be repaired after an affair.

posts: 1420   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8481757
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:41 PM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

Have you received any professional counseling for this trauma and betrayal?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14754   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8481769
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heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 5:03 PM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

I'm sorry you are here. You've been dealing with this for over a year, I think you need to get yourself into counselling to help you with your feelings and your strategy for dealing with them.

You obviously decided at the time to stay married and you haven't filed for divorce since then, so it sounds like you want to reconcile. This isn't easy.

Please provide more information about what he has done to regain your trust? What are the "efforts" you are seeing?

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8481909
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:43 PM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

First I want to say welcome, and know that you are normal. It takes a long time to heal from this stuff. But like Old Truck pointed out, without your WS doing the work they need to do, you won't have a healthy relationship, and getting to a new normal and a healthy place won't happen.

What have you done to heal yourself?

What has he done to heal himself?

What are your dealbreakers, and if you don't have any, time to figure out why not. If you do have you enforced any?

You get to dictate how this goes. You don't have to stay, and R, you can walk away, and you can stay and try R, but then change your mind if your WS isn't doing the real work.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20380   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8481974
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:44 PM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

Welcome to SI.

R is eminently possible if you both want it and if you both work for it, working on yourselves first.

I recommend reading 3 threads in the JFO forum. I recommend checking out 'Boundaries and Consequences...', 'Great Posts for Newbies...', and 'Before you say Reconcile.' As I write, they're all on the first page of the forum, but they may move to the 2nd soon.

I also recommend reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp? - if it makes sense to you, print it out, give it to your WSO, and discuss it.

I strongly recommend keeping SI to yourself for now. Your WSO may or may not become a good candidate for R. If he doesn't, he can use what you say on SI against you. If you give him the article above, just say you found it on the web.

How are you dealing with the feelings (anger, grief, fear,shame) that come with being betrayed?

Are you sleeping, eating, drinking enough water, drinking alcohol, using drugs, being active?

What has your H done to heal?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31114   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8481975
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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 2:19 AM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

Oldtruck.

All I know is all I KNOW.

The trust is dust.

He did call her in front of me, but who knows what he did/dies when I’m not around.

Because that he chose to take advantage of my trust in him, I have a history of not being a good forgiver, but a better revenger!

The man I married, is dead now, & I’ve mourned.

I still mourn. Deeply.

I don’t believe one word he says anymore & it’s actually made me stronger & more liberated.

The questions that I do ask, are responded in generic answers, so, I’ve come to accept that. Even if it is the truth.

There is no more truth now.

I’m living pretty much, by my rules now & have progressed from a submissive wife, to one who doesn’t ask for permission anymore.

I have come this the acceptance that the trust is gone.

I’ve mentally separated already & am trying to focus & grow in other ways.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8484284
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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

heartbroken__kk

Thank you.

I’ve done counseling.

We have since moved to our dream beach home & I still need counseling.

I’m still hurting.

Not divorcing, yet....only because I’m living my best life now & he gives me whatever I want.

I feel like I deserve it & am not ready to jump ship yet....

There is no reconciliation to our marriage, but I’m not letting go that easy.

I believe that what goes around comes around & have told him this as well.

As a result of his actions, he barely has a fraction of me left.

I’m no ugly duckling & I know he’s sweating in his boots!

I could never cheat on him, as much as I’d like to. I’ve tried & just couldn’t do it!

I was mad at myself for not, and shared that with him.

I’m taking things one day at a time.....maybe until something better comes along.

Still, not the life I was lead to believe I would live.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8484300
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:24 AM on Wednesday, January 1st, 2020

So Sorry to hear... Such a difficult situation, especially with him working in the field he does. Have you tried counseling?

posts: 356   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8490045
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MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

I am a better 'revenger' than a forgiver...but I did end up forgiving my FWH. It was an interesting journey, bc I wore my bitch boots for years (not months). To this day I still have them handy and it's over 12 plus years.

Does your WH still hunt? One of the things that helped me is that my FWH had to give up a lot of his friends to keep me bc they enabled the A.

He caters to me now more than I do to him. Before his A it was the other way around.

If he is treating you like a queen, giving you anything you want - let him do so while you figure out if you want to stay with him or not - or until 10 years is up so that you get more

Did his OW have a spouse or significant other?

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Reconciled

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8490524
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believehalf ( member #49925) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

I’m assuming you have access to all financial information. Liars have many skeletons. That is a long time he’s been with her, they might take it deep undercover.

posts: 259   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2015
id 8490578
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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 1:57 AM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2020

MamaDragon...

I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.

I still don’t trust him.

I don’t know that much about her, she has since changed her number.

Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didn’t know, which to me is total BS!

In 5 months, it’ll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!

He’s mostly “gone” from me now, although he tries.

There’s a clear disconnect!

I’m not miserable, but I’m certainly not in love.....

I’m a different person now.

I certainly don’t spoil or cater to him like I used to, that’s for sure.

But nonetheless, I’m still heartbroken & devastated.

I’ve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldn’t bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!

I trust that karma will do its thing.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.

Thank you!

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8492390
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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 1:57 AM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2020

MamaDragon...

I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.

I still don’t trust him.

I don’t know that much about her, she has since changed her number.

Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didn’t know, which to me is total BS!

In 5 months, it’ll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!

He’s mostly “gone” from me now, although he tries.

There’s a clear disconnect!

I’m not miserable, but I’m certainly not in love.....

I’m a different person now.

I certainly don’t spoil or cater to him like I used to, that’s for sure.

But nonetheless, I’m still heartbroken & devastated.

I’ve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldn’t bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!

I trust that karma will do its thing.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.

Thank you!

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8492391
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 Marlita (original poster member #72286) posted at 1:57 AM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2020

MamaDragon...

I am also a better revenger than forgiver... yes, he is treating me like a queen, but my eyes are wide open now.

I still don’t trust him.

I don’t know that much about her, she has since changed her number.

Funny, because I specifically asked him if she had a significant other & he said he didn’t know, which to me is total BS!

In 5 months, it’ll be 3 years since I found out....things will never be the same!

He’s mostly “gone” from me now, although he tries.

There’s a clear disconnect!

I’m not miserable, but I’m certainly not in love.....

I’m a different person now.

I certainly don’t spoil or cater to him like I used to, that’s for sure.

But nonetheless, I’m still heartbroken & devastated.

I’ve even tried to meet up with someone else & just couldn’t bring myself to do it, which actually makes me more upset!

I trust that karma will do its thing.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep myself up & hope that I find a true happiness at some point.

Thank you!

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8492392
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