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Do I want to know details?

Pages: 1 · 2

Underserving posted 12/12/2019 19:08 PM

He is willing to be completely, brutally honest with me, and answer any question that I have. Is this a road I really want to go down? The actual details of what all occurred in his 3 month long affair? Idk

layla1234 posted 12/12/2019 19:21 PM

As someone who is at a year and a half out and still struggling for details, I say yes but its ultimately up to you.

survrus posted 12/12/2019 19:23 PM

Yes at the very least so you can share them with the OWH and drive a stake through the affairs heart.

Also so there are no more intimacies between WH and OW you are excluded from.

Jameson1977 posted 12/12/2019 19:25 PM

It is totally up to you. Just remember, you can unheard any details so tread carefully.

It has been recommended here that the WS write two timelines, a PG version and an R version. You can read the PG version and if it's too much, you probably wouldn't want to read the other.

My WW has a hard time writing details down, she finds it easier to verbalize. I think writing it down and reading what her actions have done is tough for her, good, it should be!

HartShotAt80 posted 12/12/2019 20:11 PM

No. I was sure i did, and now it just brings up more triggers. Things that i would have walked right by and not notice, are things that tourment me. Do yourself a favor and decline. Superglue him to his bellybutton in his sleep.

The1stWife posted 12/12/2019 20:16 PM

Hereís a suggestion. Letís say you ask if it was physical. He says yes it was.

Do you want to know how many times?

Do you want to know intimate details of their sexual encounters?

Do you want to know his nickname for her?

Do you want to know where they had sex?

These are just a few examples of details that I wound want some answers to but definitely not others.

It is up to you decide. Just know once you get the details or answers you cannot change the fact you now know it.

trustedg posted 12/12/2019 20:32 PM

Tough question. Once heard you can't un-hear, but I had to know. These were things he shared with her, not me. It seemed they had secrets, and that was not fair (of course no affair is!). Now I have more information, but he is a liar so I am not sure I know all.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 22:53 PM

You need what you need. You decide.

I could not live without knowing the essentials. I don't need to know every position, every whispered word, every snippet of bad love poetry they shared. But I do need to know the thing from beginning to end, day by day.

You may not need that.

I would feel gnawed upon day after day if I thought essential information was being withheld. In fact this has been my situation.

Find out the details. Make him write it out in a detailed day by day narrative timeline. Then polygraph him.

oldtruck posted 12/13/2019 05:36 AM

A WS can be honest without being brutal.

Every BS wants the truth, they differ on how much
detail they want.

once something is heard it cannot be un heard.

Best course for a BS is to ask specific questions
that will slowly reveal what happened so they can
stop asking for more details.

examples of bad questions, how was the sex, what
sex acts did they do. The WS can reveal too much

good questions, did you have sex, how many times
did they have sex, what sex acts did they do.
how good was the sex. this line of questioning
allows the BS to have some control on how much
they learn before it is too late.

And questions do not have to be about just sex.

steadychevy posted 12/13/2019 06:17 AM

Apparently some people don't want details or many details. Others, like myself, want it all. I didn't get many answers. I got more IDK (I don't know) and ICR (I can't remember).

In my opinion, not wanting the details is much the same as rugsweeping. I wanted all the details so I could make a decision. If I only had vanilla and minimal details so I "could get over it" would be fooling myself. I think having the WS reveal all the ugly details makes them realize how ugly it is. When they won't answer or deflect tells something, too.

Others will differ in their opinions but many need to know it all so they know what they are dealing with. I don't want to make major decisions with minimal information about anything and especially life decisions.

The1stWife posted 12/13/2019 06:27 AM

not wanting the details is much the same as rugsweeping.

I disagree. I donít need to know certain aspects of the affair. Itís not important to me.

I have all the information I needed. Other details are unimportant to me.

Itís not rugsweeping. Itís a personal choice.

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 08:08 AM

I disagree. I donít need to know certain aspects of the affair. Itís not important to me.

I have all the information I needed. Other details are unimportant to me.

I agree with the1stwife. For me...

Positions? Donít care
How many ml of sperm he had? Donít care
Sperm count? Donít care.
Does he brush his teeth every day? Donít care.

Did he have sex with (my now X) WW? Yeah I wanted to know.

Reece posted 12/13/2019 09:50 AM

This is a tough question and will be different for everyone. For me, I did need to know all the details. The result of this was helpful in some ways; I learned that she had no emotional attachment to her affair partner so this made our reconciliation easier. Conversely, knowing the details knowing the details of their physical affair and his ability to satisfy her sexually (something I had always struggled with and was pretty insecure about) was devastating.
Good luck with your process.

wanted2believe posted 12/13/2019 09:50 AM

I always wanted details but from my personal experience the more details you know, the more triggers you have. I canít listen to a certain genre of music now, it literally makes my stomach turn. Certain phrases my WS or even others use...send me into a spiral. Details have tainted many things I once enjoyed.

Underserving posted 12/13/2019 13:23 PM

Well, I did it. I started off just wanting to know a few things, and that led to learning pretty much everything. As someone else commented, it helped me deal with the fact it wasnít emotional, something I thought was part of it. However as the same person said, knowing the things she did to him that I struggle with (I have a super tiny mouth so use your imagination) absolutely destroy me every time I think about it. Or knowing that he doesnít love doing something with me sexually, but did it with her. Idk how to get past this feeling of rejection, pain, and inadequacy. I know we arenít supposed to talk about religion but all I can do is cry out to God to help me. Iím on day 5 and itís still so painful.

trustedg posted 12/13/2019 14:41 PM

You are just at the beginning of the roller coaster ride. There will be sadness, anger, ups and downs. Get IC for you, see your doctor, see an attorney.

Decide if you want to try to reconcile with him, if you still want him. This may take a long time and you may go back and forth.

Your WH is a liar and a serial cheater. Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it than give it to him.

ShutterHappy posted 12/13/2019 15:32 PM


Your worth is not only your mouth. If it was the case your WH would be dating 80 year old women with no teeth.

Take a deep breath. Thereís nothing wrong with you. He is broken, itís 100% his fault. Itís very common for us Betrayed to feel inadequate when we learn of the Infidelity. Itís also very wrong.

You are a loving, faithful wife. Heís a cheater. Who do you think is more in demand on the dating scene? Ask anybody around here if theyíd be willing to date a cheater....

The only question you should ask yourself is whether, maybe perhaps, under the right conditions, you might try, without promises, Reconciliation.

You were married with a man you loved. The marriage is gone, the man you love is gone, and now you need to decide what to do with this cheater... have a new marriage? Maybe, maybe not.

Do you have a list of non-negociable conditions before you consider R?

BrokenAndLost75 posted 12/14/2019 03:41 AM

I am new here and this is my first comment. I just found out five days ago about my husband having one time sex with his brotherís wife 14 years ago (we have been together for 27). I immediately wanted ALL of the details and they trickled in. I wonít go into my kitchen now (where it happened while his brother and I were out back by our pool clueless). I donít know if the details helped or hurt me. I have nightmares about it, visualizing it all. I wake up sobbing and am afraid to go back to sleep because I will have another one. I think of every little thing, count out the five seconds over and over (he said the act was not finished. He stopped after five seconds because he felt guilty). While I would never wish this pain on anyone, it is helpful to know I am not alone.

The1stWife posted 12/14/2019 06:00 AM

Iím on day 5 and itís still so painful.

Yes it is so painful and will be for a long time. Healing is a slow painful process - Iím not going to sugarcoat it. However there will be a day where you wake up and the first thought isnít ďmy spouse cheatedĒ. There will be a day where it wonít consume all your thoughts. You will survive this. We all do.

Getting the details is important b/c for so many betrayed spouses- we get ďI donít knowĒ type answers and when you know your cheating spouse does know, it makes things worse.

If your CS is willing to talk about the affairs and answer questions honestly, you are very fortunate b/c so many of us donít get that. We get trickle truth (finding out details over a long period of time) or the Cheater refuses to discuss the affair.

Consider professional counseling- it saved my sanity during my Hís affair.

ibonnie posted 12/14/2019 06:34 AM

For me, knowing was better than wondering.

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