My husband had a porn thing. A web cam thing. A thing with someone else. Someone else’s. He didn’t touch any of them (that I ever found proof of). He chose all those women over me. We’d go months without sex. Meanwhile I’m doing his cum covered underwear and finding his porn shit everywhere.
You know what I found out 10 years later after this bullshit that I was convinced made me repulsive to my H Bc I couldn’t compete with these women that he never physically touched? It was an affair just the same... and I never dealt with it Bc someone convinced me it was no big deal. there was no physical touching, not considered ‘real’ infidelity.
Here’s what I know now also... HOLY FUCK SHIT DAMN PISS. That shit sure felt real to me. In fact, I went two years without sex Bc I stopped requesting it. It was sympathy fuck from him anyhow. All he wanted was Rosie palm and her 5 sisters. The years I begged for help, the different counselors he’d play... the rugsweelping... insisting it wasn’t really cheating. . all while I was still washing soiled boxers and searching browser history and then feeling so sick about what I knew he’d watched and the rejection and pain in feeling never enough and always trying to be the best wife in the world.
Eventually, someone finally noticed how great I was. Someone wanted to touch my lips. Someone wanted to hold my hand. So, I fucked his best friend. His ‘brother’. They knew each other since they were 9.
Then I lost my shit after d day when AP (my knight in shining armor) picked his family and wife over me. So I had a complete breakdown, wanted to kill myself, and had a plan to do it. Instead I checked myself into a psych ward where I spent a week.
From there I ended up on a friends couch doing outpatient treatment.
This is the scariest shit I’ve ever had to deal with. I hate myself. I hate what I did. I blame myself for everything. And I should. Like, holy shit... if I had just left my H before the A. I had asked for a divorce! He said we couldn’t afford it. I should have looked ‘our’ friend in the face and told him to fuck off. I should have done anything other than what I did, maybe I could saved everyone dumpsters of grief.
So here’s what I’m saying... if my story hasn’t convinced you that your entire situation, touching or not, is just as fucked up ‘touching or not’ Bc it has the capability to spiral into some other steaming pile of shit then just let your BS go now.
You’re being selfish (obs your a wayward so your selfish by nature) Bc you can’t see how it doesn’t matter how/why You condoned it. (‘We never physically touched’) Or how you try to scale it down for your own survival. You’re still a fucking cheater at the end of the day. Buck up. Own your shit. Touching or not, the damage is done to your BS.
frankly, if you dint starting owning your shit, realizing how touching has no more weight than not touching, I hope she leaves you. The pain you’re both feeling now is MINIMAL to what some others have been through. Don’t take that lightly or you won’t learn from it. if you gaslight her into thinking it’s NBD what you did (which is totes what you’re trying for so don’t even try and deny it) she may be fucking your best friend a few years down the line here.
[This message edited by FoenixRising at 7:01 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]