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Continuing to Disappoint

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Layla1234hubby posted 12/5/2019 15:28 PM

I will not be going to my original therapist anymore for this reason. I mentioned previously that I kept information from him as well, so that is a big part as to why he wasn't able to help me as much as he could have. I want a therapist with a fresh set of eyes on my issues. I think it may go a long way.

Pippin posted 12/5/2019 17:42 PM

I mentioned previously that I kept information from him as well, so that is a big part as to why he wasn't able to help me as much as he could have. I want a therapist with a fresh set of eyes on my issues.

I suggest that before you change therapists, you have a couple of sessions with the current therapist to own up to what you hid and withheld. This is for two reasons. One, it's a safe environment for you to practice owning up. The therapist is not going to talk about how your dishonesty hurt him and he's not going to judge or shame you. You probably hide and withhold in many places in your life and you need to stop doing that, and own up when you do. The first few times you own up are the hardest, you might as well doing it in the safest possible environment. Second, since the therapist already knows you to some extent, he may have a lot of insight to connect the dots on why you withheld and hid.

I withheld and hid from my therapist about my past and during the affair, for a total of about two years before the affair and one year during. I also wanted to switch therapists. I came clean to her about everything - it was terrifying - and that marked one of the turning points where the therapy started getting a lot more effective. She didn't judge, or shame, or criticize - she helped me be curious about exactly what I withheld and why. And she already had an enormous amount of context.

You can avoid and rationalize all sorts of reasons to not have this discussion with your therapist. Having the discussion will help you practice owning up, get used to the scary sensations and understand that you can have those feelings, make the decision to do the hard thing, and understand that it will be OK. It takes practice, repetition, muscle memory to do these things you are not used to doing, to make new habits. It will also help your wife if you have this conversation, who is watching to see if you are really doing the hard work of recovery. What do you want her to see?

You might decide afterward to stay with the therapist, or to leave. At that point it won't be avoidance.

EvolvingSoul posted 12/5/2019 19:04 PM

Great advice from Pippin.

Honesty has to underpin everything. That was definitely the foundation of starting to rewire my brain. Like Pippin said it is hard to do at first but once you commit to truth telling, each time you do you will gain a little bit of self-respect and you will incrementally change the brain wiring that got you to where you are right now.

So.

1) Does your BS know everything? Is there any information you are withholding about anything? Even if she would never find out without you telling her? Not just affair related but anything else? This is the time to just put it all on the table.

2) You will still have the impulse to lie. That is the brain wiring that's been driving your decision making up to now and it's not just going to go away on its own. Some really good advice I received here early on was to use the gut check. When answering a question or making a statement, check the feeling you have in your stomach. Is there a twisty feeling? If there is, there's something not quite true about what you're about to say. Maybe it's not an outright lie, maybe you're just leaving out something, maybe you're letting someone believe something that you know isn't true without correcting them. If you have the twisty feeling, slow everything down. Take the time to sort out what's not true and then amend the statement so that you can speak it without the twisty feeling. This was a remarkably effective technique for me.

3) Sometimes the lie will come out anyway. As soon as you realize it (and this could be a while later), go back and correct it. It will be really uncomfortable. Do it anyway. I went back and corrected lies I had told years earlier. And not just to my BS, but to anyone I could remember having lied to. Every time you correct a lie, you change your brain a little and you build your integrity a little. I can't overstate how much this helped me.

Becoming a truth teller takes a lot of courage but fortunately courage is not a quality you have or don't have, it's a quality you cultivate by doing courageous things.

You can do this. Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

PricklePatch posted 12/5/2019 19:21 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:11 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

forgettableDad posted 12/6/2019 00:53 AM

I have absolutely no interest in leaving the relationship,

Yeah, no. You left the relationship the moment you stepped out with someone else. We all did. The reality is, you have zero interest in your wife leaving the relationship. That's, again, a control issue. You were sick in the relationship therefore the relationship was/is sick. Why should either of you stay? Your goal is to change yourself so you *don't* stay in this relationship. So you can grow. So your wife can heal from the damage you caused.


that was within the first couple months after d-day. I have been committed to her for well over a year, it is the TT that did me in.

Again, no. Be honest with yourself. You haven't been committed. Committed people do not lie. And please stop with the blameshifting. It wasn't TT that did you in. Nothing "did you in". You lied.


I want a therapist with a fresh set of eyes on my issues.

Why? Why are you fishing for a different set of eyes. The outcome is all, 100% dependent on you, not your therapist.


***
I know it's hard. I find it hard not to lie, to let go of control etc. These are patterns I've developed for years. I went to IC to figure out how to fight against myself. To get tools and apply them every day. I didn't go to IC to win or to hear what I wanted to hear. There's no magic pill that will make me stop being me. There's no right combination of words or actions. There's just a continuous, day-in-day-out struggle and I do it because that's the right thing to do.

Good luck with going forwards. I hope things work out for the better between you and your wife. Whichever road it goes.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 12:53 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 12/7/2019 00:06 AM

That's all excellent advice from EvolvingSoul. And I agree with forgettableDad, too. There is still a distinct lack of ownership of your actions in your posts. You're saying some of the right things, but "tells" are still bleeding through. Look at the passive voice in your first paragraph:

Sexual pictures were exchanged, disgusting conversations were had, and lies upon lies were spewed at my wife.
Now you may be thinking, "Fuck you, BSR, I didn't come here for a grammar lesson." But this matters. It is fundamental. Sexual pictures weren't just exchanged, you exchanged them. Disgusting conversations weren't mysteriously had, you initiated them. Lies were not spewed by some outside force. You lied to your wife, deliberately and repeatedly. Even though you could see it was breaking her. You did it again and again, until she finally broke.

Remorse means you do not distance yourself by describing your actions (even occasionally) as things that just "happened," as opposed to you making decisions and following through in a calculated fashion. With the amount of lost time you have to try and make up, you can't afford to waste a moment. Looking around for a new therapist and starting fresh to avoid the embarrassment of admitting you lied is just another form of running away. If you can't face up to it for real, and immediately, please don't try to reel Layla back in. Show her enough love to set her free from this torture, and let her go.

You left the relationship the moment you stepped out with someone else. We all did. The reality is, you have zero interest in your wife leaving the relationship.
That's one for the quote thread, right there.

Zugzwang posted 12/7/2019 07:30 AM

If there was no TT, we may even be in a position where she would have forgiven me.
That is moot because there was and with it, there was never any truth or real intimacy in your relationship because you spent a year lying to her and manipulating her. If there is anything I have learned..

PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE TO BE MANIPULATED!!!!

I can't even stress that enough.

Every single WS that doesn't tell, manipulates.

The BS including my wife hate that more than being cheated on. To be manipulated to be kept...like a caged bird. It takes away their freedom. Just stop and think. The WS wants control. They want control of themselves and others. The BS just wants control of themselves. Any WS that takes the time to gain some introspection and put themselves in another's shoes should be able to understand why lying is wrong just for the simple fact that they know what it is like to want to control of themselves. Thing is that WS lack empathy due to their selfishness. This isn't directed at you OP. You understand this. Though you do speak as if your TT is a separate entity.

I have been committed to her for well over a year, it is the TT that did me in.
It wasn't the TT, it was you. It was who you still were and what you chose to do. It wasn't the TT, it was your selfishness that did you in. You have to own that. Not blame it on the fact that there was still a lie. You kept her for a year in a cage and she chose to stay working in a relationship with a deceiver that had more of the puzzle than she did. Stop and really think was anything really built in that year? If it came falling down so easily when a lie was exposed, was anything truly built? No. Lies were built. Nothing real. Nothing intimate. Nothing good with a poison at its heart. Own that.

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