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The beginning

TryingToRedeem posted 11/23/2019 21:41 PM

I'm new to this forum, so please forgive me, for not knowing all of the abbreviations.

I have been married to my wife for 17 years, 14 years ago, I had an affair with an office co-worker, for the last 14 years, I lied to my wife, and told her it was just an emotional affair.

Recently, we had decided to try separation, but still live together, at which point I started talking to 2 younger women, and did not tell my wife about it, because we were having the best physical,and emotional connection sense we had started dating, and because I was not sure if we were going to end up staying together, I wanted a back up plan if she found someone else, then we decided to work on our marriage, and the truth came out, but not all at once, I told her about one of the girls, but not the other, until a day or two later.

I did not have any physical contact with these 2 woman, but during the questions my wife had about the relationships,and an argument, I finally confessed that 14 years ago, I had a physical affair not just emotional.

I now understand that I have issues with boundaries when it comes to women, I have enrolled to start seeing a counselor, due to the fact that this behavior goes back to High School.

I want to make sure I don't do this again, I have caused my wife to much pain, I want to stop the cycle of destructive behavior, I want to help my wife heal, and I want to be a better partner for her, and us.

any suggestions would be helpful, I would like to know where I go from here.

[This message edited by TryingToRedeem at 2:12 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/24/2019 09:33 AM

Welcome to SI. Weekends tend to be slow, so donít get discouraged if you donít get several replies right away.

First, I recommend reading ďHow to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your AffairĒ. Itís short and to the point and very helpful in understanding your wifeís pain.

Second, I recommend writing a timeline of your affairs.

Third, be completely honest and do not minimize anything that has happened. Donít get defensive when she asks you questions and donít try to make decisions as to whether or not itís a detail she should know. Open up to her and show her vulnerability and humility.

Let us know if you have specific questions or problems. We have all been through this one way or another.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/25/2019 12:53 PM

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 6:29 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

TryingToRedeem posted 11/26/2019 01:16 AM

The first affair ( not sure of the time line), My wife and I were at odds all the time. I approached the AP at work, at first seeking a woman's opinion of how to handle the constant fighting going on at home, at first she would listen and give me advise, but as time went by, the talks started to turn to flirtation, she then started to promise me things like, being a manager at a bar she wanted to open, then the flirtation moved to a kiss, stolen when no one was around at work, this happened a few times, then one evening at work, there was no one around and we had snuck into a cubicle that was empty and had a door, at which point we kissed, she then proceeded to give me oral sex, and then we had sex.
During the affair, there were times when I was horrible to my wife, once on the phone, I told her I thought she needed to lose weight for her health, another time I said to her I had given up everything when I married her,and that I didn't want to be a father or husband anymore. I believe I wanted out of the marriage because of the promises that the AP was offering, but I was to much of a coward to actually end it my self,I was hoping my wife would end it for me.
Once my wife found out about the affair ( of which I told her it was not physical) she had confronted the AP on the phone, I told my wife I would not talk to her again, I then went out on the porch and called her, I believe the conversation went thank you for not telling her we had sex, and that we needed to stop the affair. I did stop the affair, and my contact with the AP at work was limited. Shortly after the affair, I was fired from that job, and I haven't spoken to her sense, I did make a video at my wife's request to the AP, telling her that what we did was a mistake, and I regret ever having met her.

Zugzwang posted 11/26/2019 06:11 AM

Ok. So enough about your affairs being your wife's fault and the marriage. Why did you choose to have an affair? Dig into you being a self admitted coward. Wanting to escape responsibility. Needing other people to make you happy. Dig into those and stop focusing on your wife being the cause of your character choices. This has nothing to do with her. It only has to do with you.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/26/2019 16:18 PM

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 6:30 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

TryingToRedeem posted 12/2/2019 01:45 AM

Zugzwang, I'm not saying the Affair was my wife's fault, nor the marriage, the affair was totally my fault, the marriage hit a rocky spot, and instead of stepping up and being a man, I ran like a coward. through my wife's questions about my past and the affair, I have realized, that I am a serial cheater, I noticed the pattern, so I have an appointment this week, with an IC.

forgettableDad posted 12/2/2019 03:23 AM

Going to IC is a good start.
I can't speak on behalf of anyone else so I'll speak on mine.

I started IC thinking that all I want is to be a better person so I could fix what I broke and we'd have a perfect life afterwards again (again, is wrong obviously). But that's not the right attitude I think. Eventually I realized that I went to IC to fix myself *regardless* of what my wife was going to choose for the marriage. And in the end, it is and was my wife's choice whether to stay. She needed time to heal (and away from me btw). She needed me to stop trying to control everything by lying and to stop manipulating. It was hard. For me, letting go of her and my marriage to fix myself first so I would be the person she'd want to date and deserves to marry, that was my work. But also to understand that it's her choice and it's a hard choice.

Going to IC isn't an instant panacea. It takes hard work and time. So on top of all the shit I just put her through it meant she had to still live somehow with that person longer.

Stop lying.
Give her space.
Break off any contact with your APs.
Listen to what *she* needs.
Be transparent.
Work your goddamn hardest at IC.
And be the person you want to be for the rest of *your* life.

I hope things work out for you guys.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:24 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

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