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Marz posted 2/13/2020 01:14 AM

Liars for the most part use your trust of wanting to believe against you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/13/2020 06:10 AM

But I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the ability to totally deny with such vehemence-she actually had me doubting myself again! I had to say "I know what I heard and I know what I saw".

It's called gaslighting and that's exactly what it's meant to do, get you to doubt yourself. It can make you think your crazy if you let it. Good that you stood your ground. Hold on to your truth no matter what she says.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 2/13/2020 08:02 AM

If you want proof - for you (and I totally get that - I had enough but I wanted the smoking gun - I wanted that for ME) - VAR her - it's cheaper than a polygraph and the results are 100% accurate, no matter what you find out. It's what I did and it was pretty much impossible to refute that.

Screw all this polygraph discussion - they aren't 100% accurate anyway and there are thread after thread after thread on here with people post-polygraph talking about whether or not the results are the truth etc...

And you're in a good position to catch her as she's doing the burner phone thing, which will give her a sense of security about using it as all she needs to do is go somewhere that she thinks is private and use it - no concerns about an electronic trail.

So, if she uses it in her car, that may be a perfect place. Make sure you are familiar with the laws in your state/jurisdiction about doing that. In my state if it was my car (WH and I own it jointly) I could record whatever I wanted in there. At any rate, that's what I would do.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:03 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 2/13/2020 08:07 AM

If you feel you are done trying to fix her, just file, and free yourself from this Hell.

First response, best response. end of story.

crazyblindsided posted 2/13/2020 18:51 PM

So sorry but glad to hear you are separating, that is what I finally decided too. The continued lies, gaslighting, defensiveness, silent treatment, all of it just pushed me right over the edge to done. Sometimes there is just too much damage and I'm not willing to waste more years of my life going through more of the same.

dfdxb posted 2/14/2020 01:36 AM

You don't need a poly. Trust your gut. That's the best polygraph test out there.

dfdxb posted 2/14/2020 01:38 AM

You don't need a poly. Trust your gut. That's the best polygraph test out there.

josiep posted 2/14/2020 08:24 AM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's mind-boggling and so hard for us to understand because our brains just don't work the same way theirs do. An old and wise friend told me one time that one of my worst habits was trying to be rational when dealing with someone who was irrational. It never works and ends badly for the rational.

That said, I encourage you to use these 6 months to see a counselor or listen to podcasts/youtube videos, etc. about betrayal and codependency, etc. Start now to help yourself heal on every level so that when the hard parts come, you're better able to deal with them.

All the best to you.

Ulcerboy posted 2/14/2020 10:52 AM

I have to thank all the good folk here for all the help.
Instead of an IC this site has been my go to place and will continue to be. There are a lot of very wise folk here.
Now some more crazy making! She bought me a valentine card and flowers! WTF.... If she thinks I'm changing my mind she is sorely mistaken. Or she's trying real hard in her own weird way to make sure I let her keep her good image...which I will anyway just to get thru the IHS and settlement in a civil and advantageous way.
Either way I'll be signing the last of the needed D papers this afternoon and then they'll serve her.
Josiep you are so right- there is nothing rational to be found with her and trying to be rational just doesn't work.
Thanks again everyone.

crazyblindsided posted 2/14/2020 13:05 PM

She bought me a valentine card and flowers!

Good grief yes that is a manipulation tactic. I got flowers today too and we are IHS talk about wacked out

Robert22205https posted 2/14/2020 14:15 PM

Since you've decided to divorce it makes sense (it's in your best interest) to just keep smiling until she's gone. Your evidence is keeping her civil.

btw: IMO the uncertainty as to how much you know is driving her crazy (e.g., the VAR). Be strong.

Love bombing is typical and just another tool used by manipulative people.

StillLivin posted 2/14/2020 14:18 PM

I haven't read any responses. So with that said, I wouldn't waste the money on a poly unless it will somehow aid your divorce. For example, I was in a covenant marriage and could bot file for divorce without proof of wrong doing.
You already know what you know and both divorce and polygraphs are expensive. Unless you have money to spare, it's not going to change anything.

Ulcerboy posted 3/7/2020 04:05 AM

well I filed! when she found out she got real quiet for a day then the crazy came out. she mellowed back out now so it's IHS and 6 month count down.
I'm still dumbfounded at some of the crap she said. "it's not fair you have to prove it" "you need to see a shrink". I started to respond and then ignored it. thanks to the folk here I went with"sorry you feel that way".