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Robert22205https posted 11/10/2019 07:16 AM

Everyone is different. I'd do the polygraph because she'll either refuse to take it or fail - and I personally would need that extra kick in my face to make sure I exit and never look back.

Why? because love and being the 'protector' makes me vulnerable to her tears and drama and empty promises etc.

You can call her bluff. For example, inform her the polygraph is tomorrow at 8am - and observe how she reacts.

HouseOfPlane posted 11/10/2019 07:38 AM

If she takes the poly and fails, sheíll just gaslight that too. Excuses and manipulations.

Do you believe she will EVER admit she did wrong?

She comes across as a world class manipulator, and you are her project. She knows what you want, and she knows how to use that to get what she wants.

Break the cycle, my friend. Your caring is her power over you, a power she does not use benevolently.

Change the dynamic.

Sending strength!

steadychevy posted 11/10/2019 07:53 AM

I needed proof, Ulcerboy. I'm a Christian. I wouldn't divorce for any other reason but adultery. I have three daughters. I couldn't say to them that I thought their mother was cheating. She could lie so convincingly to me. She would be able to lie so convincingly to our daughters. I also hoped I was wrong.

The biggest mistake I made was to not employ a PI. There are a couple of reasons why I did not even though I checked into it. I used a polygraph after I had proof to see what the truth was about a few of my most worrisome issues.

I guess I'm just providing you my input to show understanding of the position you're in. I'm 68 years old now and 17 years after I first had uneasy feelings. I'm not yet divorced. I wish I had those 17 years back.

cancuncrushed posted 11/11/2019 08:23 AM

How have the last 4 years been? Have you been playing detective ? This will continue. Your feelings of doubt will continue x10 now this is added. You canít relax when you know too much.

I never had proof. He continued to cheat just outside of proof. And lied. It literally drove me nuts. It became a cruel game. He rubbed it in my face I was no longer happy. I was stuck trying to prove.

He left me for another woman. Even then I had no proof.

I tried listening devices in the car. They were not clear. I asked for poly. It never happened. When I pushed. He left. Even that was s lie.

I stayed for my last child to graduate. Then Wh became seriously ill. These were stumbling blocks. I thought in time we could repair. We were married 36 years. When he improved. He cheated again. Like steady said. I canít get those years back. I was not happy for many years.

Itís not about her anymore. Itís about you. When do you stop it.

Can you live happily with what you know now?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:36 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Ulcerboy posted 11/12/2019 03:54 AM

I greatly appreciate all the advice. After reading here and more thought I can say that I'm at peace with myself-its done and over with. I did talk to a highly recommended polygrapher. I told him she is a compulsive liar and with medical knowledge knows about beta-blockers. He said it would be most likely to be inconclusive if she took meds. So yup she could just gaslight the results. With this decision I feel I can stay soft 180 to keep the peace until the youngest graduates and passes his boards in Jan. He's actually her son but I helped raise him and do care about him. I already went thru it to get him thru school-damn video games are a real addiction! In the meantime I'll keep getting my ducks in a row. Hopefully do this uncontested, but we'll see on that. Be prepared for either way.
Oh yea(i can see it as amusing now...) in the car with her. Her phone connected to car. She got an incoming call and it showed on the car, but it went to her phone Mic and headset not thru the dash. I looked it up and with an iPhone you can set the phone to default to it self not the dash Mic and speakers. I'm sure her girlfriend that's covering for her showed her how to avoid another damming but call!

Buster123 posted 11/12/2019 21:31 PM

You can still place a VAR under the seat with some velcro, you will hear her end of the convo, maybe more if she's not using the headphones if you still want to get more info about the A. Have you decided to D ? if so, you don't have to wait on anything, just file, it takes a long time anyway, get the ball rolling now.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/13/2019 08:41 AM

I agree that the polygraph is a waste of time. If you want evidence to prove you are not the bad guy and confirm her A, hire a PI. It won't be long before she goes on another "girls night". She will now claim that the M is over, but people will know the truth, if she is caught.

Or just accept that she is a liar and a cheater. YOU know this and YOU know she is not a safe partner. You choose to move on and remove yourself from infidelity.

dblackstar2002 posted 11/13/2019 09:03 AM

When may uncles wife cheated on him, He told her noting he just filed and split all his assets. He acted like nothing was wrong, Right up until the day she was served at her job. She rushed home to find all her stuff in bags on the front lawn. He told her I don't know why you felt the need to lie or go through this nonsense, But if you want to be with someone else, Who am I to stand in your way I wish you well. Then he went back inside a closed the door. He says that is the last time he spoke with her. This happened twenty years ago.....

Ulcerboy posted 1/2/2020 03:14 AM

I need to ask some advice again. By the end of this month her son should be done with his boards and then it'll be time to sit her down and say its time to go our separate ways. In the meantime I've stayed soft 180. She's gone from ok to trying to hug me etc.
I've found internet history so I know shed been looking at houses. Shed the one that will have to move as I owned that house before getting married and it's still in my name only.
Now for the question.
I recently found that she hid a var in the bedroom.
So either she really thinks her accusations that I'm cheating might be true?(they're not!) And then she could make me out to be the bad guy? Or she wants to overhear my plans to countermeasure?
Or is there another possibility that I'm totally missing?
I have vented to my brother on the phone while in the car and talked about getting my ducks in a row. I guess I need to check the car for a var too.
Has anyone else run into this crap? I'm kind of at a loss as to what the hell she could be up to.

Marie2792 posted 1/2/2020 03:23 AM

Wow. My guess is someone is feeding her tips either OM, a misguided friend or an attorney. She wants to know your strategy. She thinks she can stay one step ahead of you. Proof positive youíre doing the right thing. Iíd get a VAR if my own and record every conversation you have together involving separation.

tushnurse posted 1/2/2020 07:31 AM

Sounds like peaceful dissolution is out the window.
She is trying to stay a step ahead of you.

Do yourself a favor, and go see an attorney ASAP. At least prepare yourself for the worst.
She sounds like a true NPD, that manipulates the entire world around her.

You don't have to give her that choice. Also find out what the rules are in your state on secret recordings, you may have something in your pocket that you can charge her on should she be unreasonable.

Maudlin posted 1/2/2020 07:35 AM

Don't bother with anything, get the best vicious lawyer you can and file. Out her to everyone and leave. No contact.

It wonít change, you deserve so much more. These people are broken and we canít fix them. She is an abuser and liar, run as far and fast as you can.

sisoon posted 1/2/2020 12:26 PM

Is it legal to record discussions in which the recording person does not participate?

If not, you can probably have her prosecuted.

I would leave the VARs in place and feed them false info.

Sorry your W is doing this. Lawyer up and take the initiative.

nekonamida posted 1/2/2020 12:56 PM

I think she's on to the fact that you're planning on D. It makes sense why she's been looking up houses so close to planting a VAR. She's trying to stay one step ahead of you. Please see a lawyer before you confront her.

Ulcerboy posted 2/12/2020 20:20 PM

The youngest passed boards. I said we need to talk and told her I got back the audio forensic's and it's exactly what I thought it was. She wanted to listen to it and I ignored that comment. Still total denial. Continued soft 180. took off my ring. She finally approached me and asked how soon she had to move out to start. I told her no rush-I've got nothing going on with anyone else so I don't care.
Still total denial. She even said she knows in her heart she's done nothing wrong. I assured her I would never say anything bad about her to the kids and people at work don't need to know shit-none of their business. I told her I'm past any resentment and won't confront anyone.
It looks like she is mainly concerned about her image, and knows I have that voice mail. ( I think I recognize who the male voice is-didn't tell her that)
So it looks like it will stay very civil because she doesn't want her image ruined to anyone.
But I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the ability to totally deny with such vehemence-she actually had me doubting myself again! I had to say "I know what I heard and I know what I saw".

Marz posted 2/12/2020 23:24 PM

You should have figured out by now.

Cheaters lie a lot. Why would she tell you anything?

You should download and read ďNo More Mr Nice GuyĒ by Glover

Itís a free pdf and short

Stop wasting time sheís not worth it

Marz posted 2/12/2020 23:27 PM

Sheís using VARís to figure out what youíre up to and gain an edge.

Quit being a softie and get her out ASAP. Having her around is getting you what?

OwningItNow posted 2/12/2020 23:29 PM

The anger will come. Your feeling of power is awesome, but at a certain point, you'll feel the loss. And the anger will come. Civility is fine, but if you get angry, let it out.

Ulcerboy posted 2/13/2020 01:05 AM

divorce paperwork is started. In CA. the fastest it can be done is 6 months. so she's there IHS at least that long-just no way around it. With her need to keep a good image I figure it gives me leverage for a civil settlement and civil IHS.
I just thought that she would finally admit even just a little bit, but no way.
Still having a hard time wrapping my head around that part. I guess I never really knew her.

Marz posted 2/13/2020 01:13 AM

I guess I never really knew her.

Sorry man but you arenít the first and wonít be the last to reflect back and see this.

As you step back into no contact clarity will come fast and youíll probably see what you ignored or overlooked in the past.

A good thing but painful none the less.

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