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I'm back too

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Ulcerboy posted 11/8/2019 21:38 PM

Unfortunately I was one of those that had to have positive proof before tossing in the towel. And of course I didn't find this site until I started seeing all the red flags, confronted way too soon and then did the pick me dance. Also my bucket of shit from childhood molest never dealt with fell off the shelf and spilled all over me about the same time.

Side note-thanks for keeping the I can relate-that's where I found invaluable resources to help me deal with that bucket of shit!

So 4 years later I'm back too. I rugswept because I never had proof. Never really relaxed though.
Now after a butcall I'm done. Still not solid "proof" but plenty good this time. She's driving home by herself from out to movies with girlfriend-I'm at work. I call her to make sure she got the spare keys from son after locking her keys in the car and is safely on the way home. Hang up, then she accidentally buttcalls that goes to my messages and is recorded. Now her phone is connected thru the car. She is talking to someone complaining that AAA never got there. Then there's some half words picked up by the dash mic of a male voice. So no doubt she has a burner phone. And probably/likely had her friend covering for her out on a date with him. I even had the recording forensically examined to make sure....
She confronts me because I was withdrawing/soft 180. Total denial of course. Then she offered to take a poly all on her own.
When I check her phone later all call history for that night is deleted. And my 2 calls to her on my phone have been deleted. Gee how did that happen!
So question-I know she's lying about no burner phone and I'm already getting my ducks in a row and mentally done.
Would you go ahead with the poly with the "standard" questions? Or not even bother and just file when ready? I'm just not sure on this point. It just seems it would be nice to shut down everything (more lies to friends/kids) by having her take it and fail. Then I think-crap, she's such a compulsive liar-what if she passed because of that??!!

20yrsagoBS posted 11/8/2019 21:42 PM

If you feel you are done trying to fix her, just file, and free yourself from this Hell

Marz posted 11/8/2019 21:45 PM

Bud, this isn't a court of law. You don't need concrete proof or evidence to convince a jury.

All you need is proof enough for you.

Sounds like she got smarter and learned to cover her tracks better.

Why waste any more time on this?

Marz posted 11/8/2019 21:47 PM

Would you go ahead with the poly with the "standard" questions? Or not even bother and just file when ready? I'm just not sure on this point. It just seems it would be nice to shut down everything (more lies to friends/kids) by having her take it and fail. Then I think-crap, she's such a compulsive liar-what if she passed because of that?

Sounds like she's set this up. There are ways to lie take a ploy and pass or if she's scheduling it you don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

Just more wasted time/life

Ulcerboy posted 11/8/2019 21:50 PM

She is a sneaky one...and it has been so tiring staying on alert looking for more/new stuff happening.
She even lies about dumb stuff that doesn't even matter.
And the denials! I really think I could have a clear video of her in bed with another guy and she'd still lie deny and gaslight!

Marz posted 11/8/2019 22:11 PM

Then why bother?

ann1960 posted 11/8/2019 22:31 PM

Hi M.

I always preface my writing by saying look at my number and how long Iíve been here so my advice may not be very sound but here I goÖ

NO and thatís a hell no. If you really think you are mentally strong enough to go through with divorce I strongly advise confrontation. Tell her what you know. Make her believe you know more. Suggest marriage counseling if she refuses to give up the information about what is going on or if you get off to a good start on her confessing the truth.

If you want to wait and get more information you can do these things. Follow her in secret, get a god for her car and she if it matches where she says she is. Show up to the odd location and confront her. Put a key logger on her phone. She is bound to screw up even if she has a burner phone. If she has a problem with you having passwords to her phone and other devices that is a huge flag. Married people share that information. There are historyís that people forget to erase or they just donít realize they exist. Your phone follows you everywhere! Unless she has turned that feature off or erases by date itís still there from as long as she has had google. I went back to 2015 and stopped searching.

Good luck and try not to be me, a hanger on with no boundaries.

Zamboni posted 11/8/2019 22:31 PM

Hey Ulcerboy ó

Sorry you are going through this.

My cheater was a master at gaslighting. Itís maddening and psychologically abusive.

Donít bother with the polygraph. You know what you know.

You arenít going to get the truth from her. She will just twist it around and make it seem like you are the crazy one.

Have you consulted with an attorney yet?

Ulcerboy posted 11/8/2019 22:36 PM

Good question for me Marz.
The last few years have been trying with getting past my own childhood bucket of shit and getting back some self worth along with the reason I found myself here.
A big pile of co-dependency too.
Now I would have to say it's part of wanting to show I'm not the bad guy-or something to that effect since we share a lot of friends/coworkers from working at the same place.
I know I should work on my "don't give a shit", but still easier said than done.

Ulcerboy posted 11/8/2019 22:43 PM

Ann1960- Yup already done all that.crazy making!

Zamboni-master at gaslighting-are our WS related?!
Gawd is she ever! And again with my "other shit" that I was dealing with I didn't stand a chance until more recently. If my head was still where it was before I would have bought her-Oh it must have been another phone cross connecting to mine!

Marz posted 11/8/2019 22:44 PM

Hard 180

Incarnate posted 11/9/2019 00:24 AM

Dude. -Dude-.

Walk. Run. Jog. Crawl. Get away now now now now now. Reading your account there just made me think of all the shit, all the pain, all the gaslighting and manipulation and abuse my STBXW put me through, starting during her first EA (late 2007, early 2008) that progressed into a PA (early 2008 to mid 2009). I found out in 2014, but she'd already spent five years wearing me down. She went HARD gaslighter and manipulator after that, and when I blew the top off of her most recent EA/PA, it's gotten a million times worse. We're separated now pending divorce and she doesn't have to keep up pretenses. She's the Devil in my house.

So please, dude, take it from me. Your WW is acting EXACTLY like my ex. Deleting records, covering her tracks, lying about who she is with and where... Even if she's not actively physically or emotionally cheating, she is completely untrustworthy. Roll tf outta there with haste and no remorse.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 12:24 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 11/9/2019 02:01 AM

Iím sorry with all you had to deal with. And bravo! to you for dealing with your own issues. That takes guts and courage. It will serve you well in the future.

A marriage or relationship is not supposed to be a made for TV detective - private investigator type situation. Thatís a bullshit game.

I decided at Dday2 our marriage was over b/c of his continued behavior and cheating and lying. I stoped being the marriage police. I no longer cared.

I also decided if I had to resort to a polygraph test I would divorce him first. If I cannot have any sense of trust then there is nothing left to save.

I suggest you stop trying to get ďproofĒ. You donít need anymore b/c what you have learned is enough. You donít need to prove anything to her and you donít need to play her game.

Your goal is to get out from her infidelity cycle. When you walk away from her crap you will feel free and experience a calming effect on your life. You will detach. Her lying and drama will not matter and no longer affect you.

You donít need ďproofĒ. You donít need to explain anything to her. You donít need her to agree with you or admit anything. You donít need her permission to divorce.

You get your plan B together and move on. You tell her at the right time that you are sorry but this marriage no longer works for me. And then you walk away and donít look back. If that doesnít work you plan your exit and serve her with divorce papers.

Itís not a discussion. Itís not a conversation. Itís an action in taking back your control and restoring your self esteem.

You got this!!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:02 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

hansvoleman posted 11/9/2019 03:13 AM

She even lies about dumb stuff that doesn't even matter.

My wife still does this. She can't help herself. As part of my IC, my very experienced therapist suggested my wife ticks all the major boxes for Borderline. My understanding from reading is that my wife probably believes the "reality" she spins and so would likely pass a poly.

I toyed with the idea of a poly but realised that if she passed one, it would always be her get out of jail free card in any future discussion we might have about what she did. If you think your wife would pass one, I believe you risk the same.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 3:35 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

BeyondRage posted 11/9/2019 04:13 AM

Ulcer boy

Call her bluff. Do the polygraph. If you are correct she will either change her mind and refuse to take it or fail. Then there will be no more guessing.

Question 1
Have you had sex with any other men than ?
Question 2
Do you have any electronic means of communication or apps that Ulcerboy does not know about

The old saying trust and verify has a new twist
DON ĎT TRUST but verify

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 05:41 AM

If you plan to do the poly. Tell her your going to place A for it, then go to place B to actually have her take it. Thing is, you are in charge of this. Not her.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/9/2019 06:30 AM

Don't waste your money on a poly. Just file and be done with her.

whatIknowNow posted 11/9/2019 06:33 AM

Where there is smoke there is fire. Where there is smoke and more smoke and someone telling you they don't see any smoke, there is a raging fire.

Why waste hundreds on a poly, you could use that extra cash to get the best results from your divorce lawyer.

tushnurse posted 11/9/2019 09:04 AM

Be done. Skip the pretense save the $$ spend it in a pitbull of an attorney.

Marie2792 posted 11/10/2019 03:45 AM

I am usually in support of polygraphs and I did use one in my own marriage. However in your case Iíd ask myself this? Is the poly going to help her stop lying or give yo her burner phone? Will it make her faithful? If your answers are no,
Then I wouldnít go through the time, experience or money to have her polygraphed.

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