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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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Marz posted 11/8/2019 11:49 AM

Make sure you keep your mouth shut. Do not forewarn her of your plans.

It's good to wake up to reality. She's picked him. She just hasn't told you.

Mene posted 11/8/2019 12:24 PM

Heís the VP of HR.

Letís repeat that again: HEíS THE VP OF HR.

Youíre playing for the Patriots. Itís the last 5 seconds of the Super Bowl. Brady sees you have made a run and are clear. Youíre just two metres from scoring a touchdown to win it. And instead of putting your hand up indicating youíre going to receive the ball, you run the other way. This is what youíre doing by not reporting this to the CEO. This POS is VP of HR. Destroy him cause he was quite happy to humiliate you. He brought you in for interviews to humiliate you. See a lawyer ASAP AND DRAFT THAT LETTER ASAP. This is a super bowl opportunity. Donít run the other way. Be your own hero. Take charge and make the touchdown.

Now youíve talked to the OBS this asshole will try and cover his tracks. He will try and shore up his defence and make sure you donít make that touchdown.

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/8/2019 12:27 PM

I think that you are doing well, considering the situation.

You said your thread on Reddit? What is the consensus over there?

When WW says that she can't decide there a re a couple responses.

A. I understand that you are confused and knowing what I know I will decide for you. Here are D papers.

B. When someone is married and is in an affair there is nothing to decide, she decided the first time she kissed. This does not apply with random sport fucking only with an AP they are emotionally involved with.

When you start to waver, remember how beautiful the sunrise looked from hotel window. According to the OM.

Good luck

Thumos posted 11/8/2019 12:32 PM

I assume OBS knows about ďsunrise coffeeĒ (what a great new euphemism for morning sex) in Dallas? You should stay in touch with OBS to ensure these two winners you are stuck with donít try to triangulate with additional lies.

I know itís a lot to take in and take on. Youíre doing great. Donít do paralysis by analysis though. It is time to move quickly and strike hard ó for your own sanity and health and to give you the option of reconciliation later if you want.

And yes as Marz said this is a time for radio silence and keeping your own counsel. Do not spill your guts or give any indication of your plans. This is your version of what adulterers like to call OPSEC.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:34 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 11/8/2019 12:37 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Masters. Of course they had sex. She's not going to admit it to you because she doesn't want anyone to think she's a bad person, even though she is. Be ready for your wife to have a sudden change of heart and want to stay with you. This will likely happen after the other man's wife reveals what she knows and he ends up dumping your wife. If he doesn't dump her because of his wife, he'll dump her in order to save his job and reputation once you inform his boss what's going on. Your wife will then come begging for reconciliation. You need to consider what your response is going to be when that happens. Are you going to be a plan B to a woman who's been honest with you that she's not happy in this marriage? You may also want to consider that even before this your wife has always been the actual problem with your marriage, not you. You have options and your kids are resilient. Make the best decision for you personally. I wish the best for you. Take care of yourself.

Masters2020 posted 11/8/2019 12:44 PM

This sucks, plain and simple. I appreciate the responses that don't attack me. I'm a mess, I'm in a dark place, darker than I ever thought in my life. This is the ultimate betrayal, and it's still as fresh as it was almost 3 weeks ago.

His spouse called me this morning and is going to talk to a lawyer. She's going to confront him this Sunday when he comes back from out of town. I'm curious to know my wife's reaction. I'm going to speak to an employment attorney next week. I'm keeping the MC for now. I need counseling myself as well.

This is my life now, and it sucks.

hansvoleman posted 11/8/2019 12:45 PM

Heís the VP of HR.
Letís repeat that again: HEíS THE VP OF HR

OMG Masters! Please, please see another lawyer and get a second opinion asap. If you don't I am going to send the ghost of my dumb 30 year old self to cross the ocean and haunt the c**p out of you.

You should consider also that now the OBS knows she may take the decision to tell the company out of your hands. .

This is rough. Please drink water, eat as well as you can and focus on yourself and your kids. Your wife has made hundreds of decisions that do not have her family's best interests at heart. Don't beat yourself up if you think something you decide to do might impact her negatively.

Sending you strength.

Thumos posted 11/8/2019 12:54 PM

Gently Masters, donít be surprised if the MC turns into a complete attack session on you. Just be ready for that. You might be prepared to say this isnít a productive session or use of time while infidelity is going on.

Do not let her weasel out of this. Even though you canít prove sex, it doesnít matter. This is flat out adultery regardless of that.

There is a phenomenon called rewriting the history of the marriage. She will do that and may use the MC session as an opportunity to get it ďon the record.Ē

My WW only recently ó after three years ó admitted she rewrote the history of our marriage to portray a good marriage as a bad one to justify herself. They wonít snap out of That fog anytime soon.

Just want you going in with your eyes wide open.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 12:54 PM

This is my life now, and it sucks.

Unfortunately you are very correct. However, you've come to a good place to help you through it.

Knowledge and experience from those who've been through this before will help.

Although you can't see it yet you will get through this.

Those that get strong and stay there always come out best.

You're already waking up. Just look at what a different one day makes.

As with any forum take what you need and leave the rest.

Sorry you're here.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 13:01 PM

Make sure you keep and document your evidence and store copies in at least 2 safe places.

You can't trust her.

Thumos posted 11/8/2019 13:02 PM

I'm in a dark place, darker than I ever thought in my life. This is the ultimate betrayal, and it's still as fresh as it was almost 3 weeks ago.

And you will get through this. And it will get better. I promise. Even in my limbo situation, Iím better off than 3 years ago.

These are the times that try menís souls. She has dumped an existential crisis on you. But this dark journey is also an opportunity. You are a man ó and you can not only fight your thru this but come out thriving.

Find your mission. Leave the rest behind. She is secondary to your mission and so is any other woman you may end up having a relationship with. In that sense since she knocked herself off the pedestal, let her mask slip and dropped the scales from your eyes, you can see more clearly now.

I recommend a short book called The Way of the Superior Man. Easy to digest in short snippets and it will help during this dark time.

Freeme posted 11/8/2019 13:03 PM

Wow. Just read your thread, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm so glad that you told the OBS... you should see some changes soon. The fact that the OBS is waiting to confront and is getting her ducks in a row (seeing a lawyer) makes me think OM is going to be very busy sorting out his life shortly. Do they have kids?
Most likely he will throw your WW under the bus and try to get his own marriage under control. You wife's response will be to take her anger out on you for telling him. She will say it was none of your business (??) or you had no right to tell the OBS. Or you ruined their family...Do not go along with this. She and OM brought this on. You were kind in informing the OBS about what was going on behind her back.

Don't let her blame you for the affair either. You can take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage but having an Affair is 100% on her.

If I were you I'd work on detaching by doing the 180 (see healing library). She is going to be all over the place wanting to fight because she is mad that the OM is ignoring her. Now is not the time to "talk". She had 2 guys fighting over her she will soon have none. Detach.

I'd keep the employment legal information in my back pocket don't tell her you might out the affair at work.

Booyah posted 11/8/2019 13:18 PM

Absolutely this entire situation SUCKS!!

We all understand how much you'd like this nightmare to go away. One minute things are going great and then at the flip of a switch your entire world has been blown up.

My heart breaks for you and your kids. Those kids are what matter moving forward.

Allow yourself to grieve.
Right now you're in shock and denial.

Pretty soon you'll get to the anger stage.

Your wife blew up your kids world for another man. THIS SHOULD PISS YOU OFF!!!

I know it hurts but my friend your wife and this other man are in a physical affair.

Think about how crazy it is that she's not begging you for forgiveness and apologizing for what she's done to you and your kids but continuing to lie to you and be with this other guy.

One day you'll look back on this and you'll want to know that you didn't just lay down and let these two SHIT all over you and your kids.


This other guy will get fired from his job and you have a HUGE payday coming from his company in the lawsuit you are going to throw their way. The key is the timing of it.

As noted go see an attorney who specializes in employment.

You want the truth from your wife...we get it.

Only way to get that from a liar is to ask her to take a polygraph. She declines there's your answer.

Don't piss away time sucking on the hopium pipe. TAKE ACTION NOW!!

The sooner you realize that this is NOT a dream and the sooner you get PISSED OFF at your wife for doing this to those innocent kids of yours the better off you will be.

Move forward NOW.
Expose to her entire family and yours as well as friends. Not out of revenge but because you're not going to cover her lies and what she's done to your kids.

Better get out in front of this or trust me she's going to spin this like you're to blame for all of this.

I know you're hurting but do what you have to do right now. Your kids need you to look out for them and your wife has not shown you ANYTHING at all that she may be worth offering the gift of reconciliation....NOTHING!!

This could change in the future but right now you have to move forward that she's not and to take the necessary action to protect you and your kids.

Your wife right now is your ENEMY!!

Let that sink in. I know this is the LAST thing you could ever imagine but my friend it's the REALITY of the situation that SHE put you all in.

So sorry this is happening to you.
Hang in there.

You'll get through this nightmare...trust me.

Edit: spelling

[This message edited by Booyah at 1:42 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Masters2020 posted 11/8/2019 13:22 PM

I really do appreciate the kind words, they mean a lot. I wish this was a big nightmare.

She told me last weekend she told him to not tell his wife. "Why destroy 2 families," she said. I was always going to tell her, and she never asked again (after the first time) if I was going to tell her. I know I'll get through it, but I also know this is going to affect the rest of my life, my kids lives, etc. I'm going to talk to an attorney next week after I see her reaction to her learning I told his wife.

They do have 2 kids and have been together for 24 years. After talking to her, she's going through the same stuff I was 2.5 weeks ago. She can't eat, can't sleep, etc. I've lost 10 lbs and I've averaged 4-5 hrs of sleep a night for 2.5 weeks. I'm struggling at work and can't concentrate. I need to hit the gym more I guess.

It sucks not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I used to have a plan, now I have no idea what tomorrow looks like.

Thanks again for all who have provided support, it means more than you'll ever know.

Butforthegrace posted 11/8/2019 13:25 PM

The reason we advise against MC is that most MCs try to deal with infidelity by encouraging the BH to rug-sweep and/or accept some of the blame. They encourage a revisionist version of the marriage in which the BS was a bad husband who drove his WW into the arms and bed of another man.

If you want counseling, youd be better off seeking IC from somebody who specializes in helping men who have been cheated on.

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/8/2019 13:50 PM

"Why destroy 2 families"

Maybe she should ask herself that question.

You didn't start it, you just told the OBS that her house was on fire. the arsonists are your WW and the OM

survrus posted 11/8/2019 13:58 PM

Would not surprise me if the OM uses his position in HR to gather intelligence on employees who are vulnerable to affairs and then moves in. There is a reasonable chance he has done this before.

Guess OM has to have a meeting with himself.

She said she was blindsided but I would think her gut had already told her, and even before this.

Give the OMW the phone numbers for lawyers and polygraphs and STD testing.

[This message edited by survrus at 1:58 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Marz posted 11/8/2019 14:09 PM

I'm struggling at work and can't concentrate.

Inform your superior in a short summary of what you're going through. They've probably dealt with this before.

You don't need to get zinged at work on top of everything else.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 14:12 PM

You may not realize it but your are in the drivers seat. Especially with the state you live in.

If you have or can obtain enough evidence there could be a large monetary gain for you here.

She may jump into self protection mode once the shit hits the fan.

Beware!!! That may only be temporary and just to get her OM off the hook.

You'd be smart to see reality versus what you want to see.

Buster123 posted 11/8/2019 14:21 PM

According to OBS she is going to confront OM on Sunday after talking to he lawyer, DO NOT tell your WW you told OBS about the A, if you do she'll warn him and he will have a couple of days to make up a story and possibly blame you as a crazy jealous husband, don't take the element of surprise from her and let him scramble and go into panic mode in an effort to save his own M and/or job, also DO NOT tell your WW you're contacting an employment attorney, keep your cards close to your vest and don't telegraph your moves, when they get hit with it all it will show you mean business and honestly you should be, you're in the fight of your life and unfortunately at this point your WW and OM are the enemy, strike NOW and strike HARD with everything you've got,

I would simultaneously EXPOSE your WW on Sunday with ALL family and close friends and keep her busy answering questions all day and night about her huge betrayal and deal with the embarrassment, her plan was probably to introduce him to her family after the separation as someone she just started dating to make things look better, throw a wrench on that too, do not lie to your kids and tell them in a sanitized way that you're having problems because "mommy got herself a boyfriend and is cheating on daddy and his name is POSOM".

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