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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2019 13:22 PM

Reposting my last post Masters:

Also, if her AP dumps her (which is entirely probable), she may try coming back and love-bombing you to con you into taking her back. Please don't buy into that should it occur, as it is simply another lie (ask me how I know that).

This is classic cheater manipulation. Please do NOT fall for it. If you do, you will be right back in this horrible spot within weeks or months, guaranteed. And all you will be inevitably doing is prolonging your agony.

180 180 180. File S&D papers. You can always stop D or even remarry if she stops being a wayward idiot, but please keep moving forward with your S&D plans.

You can do it!!

Unsure2019 posted 12/11/2019 14:04 PM

Masters,

Sorry in advance for the 2x4. I know you want peace and just want this all to go away, but I’m sorry it’s not going anywhere. What has changed? Has WW owned her behavior? Has she been honest with you? Is she doing the heavy lifting? Is she remotely remorseful? Every time you get a little backbone, she does just enough pacify you and you’re right back puffing on hopium pipe.

It’s quite possible the OM is not leaving his wife, but this doesn’t change the fact that the A is still in progress ---------just two weeks ago she emails OM at 1:42am saying IMY when they’re in the same hotel. Wanna bet he had just left her room? --------. She’s cooling it for the holidays and doing just enough to keep you in line. I can’t see you taking any of the steps many have suggested to learn the truth. I think it was BR that suggested you really don’t want to know the truth because then you’d be forced to act.

I don’t think you really have peace. It’s more like a “false peace”. This is just too painful to watch unfold. As much as I would hope otherwise, I’ll bet just about anything you’ll be back posting in January “She’s done it again and I’m finished”.

beenthereinco posted 12/11/2019 14:39 PM

The bottom line here no matter what she does is that she has yet to be truthful to you on what this is. She has not admitted to the Affair has she? She has only said they kissed right? It is all BS. I'm not saying don't reconcile if that's what you want but I am saying don't do it without a complete picture of what you are being asked to forgive.

Forgiveness has to be given as an informed gift I believe. There has to be a confession and an expression of remorse and some reason for you to believe it won't happen again. Right now she hasn't really admitted anything. She has got to come clean on this in as much detail as you'd like to have. She was willing to end her marriage here. I don't think it was for a kiss. At a minimum I'd ask for a timeline of all of the activities. Find out how long and how often this has been going on. Know that even if she offers something now I'd add some time onto the length of the A and some amount onto the number of times they have had sex because no Wayward ever comes clean completely. Also I'd insist in understanding the plan here. What was the end goal? It seems to me that the way she jumped to ending the marriage that the plan was for them to be together. Why has that plan changed?

Calling someone Plan B can be a little derogatory since realistically we all have some potential to be Plan B somehow in our life. My wife loves me but if The Rock walked in and said he wanted her I am Plan B. And there may be more. With that logic who knows what Plan I actually am. You can live with being that I think especially if the feelings change over time which they can. I do think that distance has to be created though to make that switch so they are going to have to stop working together for you to consider this.

All just food for thought. You had said you were done and now you may be re-thinking it. That is your right. If your WW starts to come around you might want to try to Reconcile. People have done it successfully here. I would just say again that the first step in that long journey is an accounting from your WW for what she has done and that accounting should come with no strings attached. Don't promise to Reconcile no matter what she says to get the truth. You may find out some things that make it impossible for you to forgive and the standard for what you will forgive is your standard. Nobody else's matters. We all have that line.

Good luck.

BeyondRage posted 12/11/2019 14:49 PM

What's strange, is that after her saying she is done and we talked all about the divorce, she is starting to backtrack

Masters, please reread the above. And then ask yourself. Would any woman in her right mind, who has had an affair and is still in daily contact with her boyfriend, happily agree to a divorce discussion and then "backtrack" with a guy she has only kissed????? Do you really believe that for a minute????? I hope not.

And you still not knowing a damm thing for sure, are going to go to a happy go lucky concert with her.???? Or even consider it.

Now none of us here know what the hell she is really thinking or doing, but what everyone is trying to tell you is that NEITHER DO YOU. And you are not going to find out by playing nice with her.

If you read the book Not Just Friends, workplace affairs are the most toxic and hardest to stop. If you are going to be OK with her still travelling with him there is nothing anyone here can do to help you Im afraid.

You still refuse to even bluff playing hardball with her. She said she was done. Call her bluff!!!! All you have to do is CONVINCE her that she will not have a workplace boyfriend and you as her husband. So far, she does not believe that

Westway posted 12/11/2019 15:22 PM

Nothing is going to be real to your WW until you file for D and she sees the documents. I know my WW didn't think it was happening until I had her served. She didn't fall apart or anything, but she sure as hell walked around like a ghost for the next week....

Booyah posted 12/11/2019 15:43 PM

I mentioned this in my previous post. You need to hire an attorney ASAP!!

Your wife could be showing signs that she's "backtracking" in order to buy time to go out and meet with the best divorce attorneys in your area so that they won't be able to represent you because they've spoken with her previously. Her attorney could have suggested she do this.

So you not doing anything until next year is playing right into their plan.

What are you waiting for??

You keep going around and around but your non action isn't getting you anywhere.

As it's been pointed out NUMEROUS times on your thread just because you hire an attorney and have her served does NOT mean you can't stop the process down the line if suddenly she has a change of heart and is willing to take a polygraph etc and you finally feel you have the truth.

Also hire an employment attorney to get the ball rolling on that front.

Masters time to wake up!!

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 17:02 PM

Your wife could be showing signs that she's "backtracking" in order to buy time to go out and meet with the best divorce attorneys in your area so that they won't be able to represent you because they've spoken with her previously. Her attorney could have suggested she do this.

Masters did you read the above carefully? This might also explain the concerts and other plans.

It might also help us help you by answering a few direct questions:

1. Have you procured a VAR to protect yourself? They run about $50
2. Have you gotten an STD test for yourself?
3. Have you exposed her affair to your in-laws?
4. Have you actually met with a divorce attorney? I keep reading you’re meeting one in about a week. Have you actually done it?
4a. Have you asked about alienation of affection lawsuits?
5. Do you have an appt set up with an employment law attorney?
6. Could you lay out for us the reasons why you have not asked for a written timeline or why you’re unwilling to seek a polygraph?
7. Have you downloaded Fonelab? It takes less than 30 minutes to pay for it online and download it.

Could you help us by giving us the context on answering these questions?

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:32 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

steadychevy posted 12/11/2019 17:59 PM

Comes to your bed. Love bombing. Manipulation. Hoovering as in a vacuum sucking you back in. Buying time. Saving Plan B because of all the reasons posted above.

This adultery of my WW is the worst thing I've ever experienced or ever will, Masters. PTSD or PISD as Thumos wrote. It is the worst thing for me.

faithfulman posted 12/11/2019 20:00 PM

Masters, by this point you have to see that what everyone has been telling you is correct, from what we all believe/understand she has done - to how she will react and what she will do when you take certain actions.

You gotta stop waiting around to see what she'll do, if she will take pity on you.

Find your anger man and take control!

Dude, put the VAR and mobile phone monitoring service in place: mspy, ikeylogger, webwatcher, flexispy, whatever!

Maybe put a keylogger on her computer.

Then serve her papers and insist on a timeline backed by a polygraph.

Then you'll know everything you need to know.

And you will be in control of where this thing goes.

TAKE CONTROL MASTERS!!

Marz posted 12/11/2019 20:24 PM

By this time you know what you have here.

Whether you take control and do anything is up to you.

You have the gist of what's needed.

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 20:50 PM

By this time you know what you have here.

Yep. Ball’s in your court, Masters. Wishing you the best!

EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2019 20:50 PM

Masters you have a lot of guys responding on your post for obvious reasons and they are giving you great advice that I hope you will give consideration.

But I just wanted to chime in and send you hugs and emotional support and say that I know this is so hard for you and has been for a lot of weeks now. You're doing good sir - just keep one foot in front of the other and slowly, one step at a time you will move past this.

It's gonna be rough going for a while, but the more distance you get, the stronger you'll feel.

How are you doing today?

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 21:14 PM

But I just wanted to chime in and send you hugs and emotional support and say that I know this is so hard for you and has been for a lot of weeks now. You're doing good sir - just keep one foot in front of the other and slowly, one step at a time you will move past this.

Ellie, there’s no “like” button, but “like”

Masters, now I must bid you farewell for a time. I promised to check out yesterday but then you checked back in and I really care about what happens here one way or another.

Please do what we’ve recommended from a crowdsourcing standpoint. You’ve gotten the best advice possible. The more strength and resolve you show, and the less shit you take from your unfortunately disordered wife, the better you do.

Please focus on that. Get clear of infidelity. Shock and awe her with divorce papers. Get information. Then make a decision.

DeWittle posted 12/12/2019 01:49 AM

Imagine a bunch of stepping stones across a pond right in front of you. You're on the first stepping stone and can stay there until you're ready to move onto the next one.
This is called FLOUNDERING Masters, plain and simple.

You need to be making positive steps out of infidelity, not waiting around counting stones. Your goal shouldn’t be saving your marriage, it should be to get yourself out of infidelity, PERIOD.

ShutterHappy posted 12/12/2019 02:13 AM

What's strange, is that after her saying she is done and we talked all about the divorce, she is starting to backtrack. I told her in the wake of everything, I'm going to choose to be happy this week and have been happier.

Before:
She had a nice safe comfortable husband at home and a BF for the excitement of a new relationship.

Now:
BF is probably dumping her, and husband too.

She’ll be like a drowning person looking to hang into anything.

As betrayed, we can only take so much. Choosing to be happy is a good move. I D my WW, remarried and I’m happy again. You can do it too

MyAnimals posted 12/12/2019 16:18 PM

Masters, I haven't posted on your thread, sorry you're here man.

She's planning concert dates in February for us, asking me to get a sitter for this Saturday, and when I was almost asleep last night, she came in and snuggled with me. I think the reality of the situation is hitting her? Anyone else dealt with this?

This EXACT thing happened to me. Almost overnight my WW went from not wanting to be with me to future planning, regular date nights, I'm sorrys, lovey chats, etc... We painted the house with sex for a couple months.

I thought that she had come out of it. That my gentleness and patience had won her back. That she had learned from her mistakes.

I found out months later that nothing could have been further from the truth. Here's what had actually transpired:

She had been rejected by her primary AP. She offered him NSA sex and he never responded. Not sure but I believe he was scared of me and really didn't want to put any effort into her as she wasn't worth it to him.

At the same time one of her secondary AP's essentially got sick of her lies and cut her loose.

So I didn't win her over... She realized she had no place else to go and she pulled out all the stops to lock me down.

Around 2 months later after she thought I had been lulled to sleep (and indeed, I had been) she reached out to her primary AP again. And she had the whole time been continuing to keep all of her secondary AP's on "simmer" so as to maintain options.

This only came to a head when a new guy showed up. Yes another dude, after everything, the first new dude that showed her some attention. And it started all over again: The lying, the hiding, the phone guarding, the disappearing blocks of time throughout the day. We're just friends, we're not even talking much, he's not trying to get me to meet up privately, you're just being paranoid, etc...

Stay vigilant brother. Cheers.

Newlifeisgreat posted 12/12/2019 19:12 PM

Sorry for the thread Jack

My animals,
Please tell us that you divorced her after the new guy showed up and the line.

ICaughtThem posted 12/12/2019 21:29 PM

One of the reasons that what happened to you is one of the toughest things in life is that the person that promised to love for for better or worse did all of this INTENTIONALLY. Sure, you'd be sad if a loved one died, but except for suicide, people don't die on purpose. People don't lie about it to your face for months or years. Cheaters do.

As to why she wants to plan concerts, get a sitter, cuddle, etc. is to assuage her own guilt. Cheaters do this quite often, with the thought being if you're willing to accept things like this, then what the cheater did couldn't have been that bad, right? She's trying to grease the skids back into your heart since loverboy didn't work out.

You need to find your anger and use it as a motivator, otherwise she'll walk all over you.

EllieKMAS posted 12/15/2019 22:10 PM

Masters - haven't heard from you in a while... How are you? Was just thinking of you earlier and thought I'd reach out.

Hope you are doing OK!

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 08:41 AM

Hi Masters just wanted to see what the latest on your situation is. Hope you are doing ok.

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