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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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KingofNothing posted 11/12/2019 13:54 PM

I love her and will have to get over that. She hasn't loved me for a long time, so no matter the effort I put in, it was all for naught. As much as I want to make it work, I'm better off without her. I need someone that shares similar characteristics to me, and will love me as much as I love them. I'm a rare guy, I have a ton of love to give.

I'm really glad to read this, Masters2020. Proof you have what it takes to turn this thing around. Good luck, friend. You're doing well.

Marz posted 11/12/2019 14:29 PM

Financials for you and your kids matter. This will affect you to a large extent.

NC just had a large case in court from this very thing.

Alienation of affection law.

See an attorney.

Newlifeisgreat posted 11/12/2019 16:23 PM

Since when is ďmaking outĒ not physical?

Mene posted 11/12/2019 16:35 PM

Making out only?

Sheís minimising. Easier to call an end to the marriage than own up and tell you everything.

Sheís not going to admit you anything you canít prove.

She probably holds hope that her lover abandons his wife which is unlikely.

If you take the only advice here from all of us it is to report this to the company CEO with a letter from your lawyer seeking damages. The AP was getting sexual satisfaction fucking you around with make-believe jobs and interviews. Heís a psychopath.

steadychevy posted 11/12/2019 17:37 PM

Masters, my WW invited me to attend a staff BBQ at her AP's place where she stopped frequently on her way home to me. She and he stood in front of me (and 250 others) at a seminar they presented and she never blinked an eye. After DDay she said she was so focused on making a good presentation it never registered to her that she was making a presentation in front of me with him.

Making out is physical. It is an PA. As has been said before, given the many circumstances, the view from her window, etc., it is very, very likely it was much more than just making out.

My WW would have been fired from her organization for committing adultery with an underling. She retired instead. He wasn't fired. She was told by the head of HR that she would provide my WW with a good reference if my WW needed one but would never be hired back with the organization. Other than the adultery she did do a very good job and was highly regarded.

ETA: That is in Alberta, Canada but it could be the same in NC.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 5:39 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Buffer posted 11/12/2019 19:39 PM

Brother such a shit time

Start 180 now. You deserve a loving partner.
If feel she in still in contact with POSOM.
Seek advice from a employment lawyer. Your whole marriage has been destroyed yet you donít want to make it difficult for STBXW. No bad luck for her you have to start art from scratch seek primary care for the children as she travels too much. She can pay child support. Big boy pants now.
Pick Me is over. Only communicate if it is about the children VAR every conversation. Every thing else by texting. Tell all of her actions.

Good luck

Buster123 posted 11/12/2019 21:03 PM

I've thought about suing the company, but question is it worth it. Do I want to destroy her career, his career, and put myself through hell, just to get some money out.

This could be a large sum of money, POSOM was probably making jokes about you, you certainly deserve compensation for all he put you through, have you contacted an employment attorney yet ? do it and know your legal options, you have virtually not much to lose and probably a lot to gain financially. These cases are typically settled out of court, the company certainly doesn't need the bad publicity and with the evidence you have there's a good chance they would want to settle quickly, but again talk to an attorney about "alienation of affection" and for sexual harassment, I doubt your WW will be fired, POSOM is the VP and the courts typically view it as coercion regardless of it being consensual.

Lost9420 posted 11/12/2019 21:56 PM


I'm in nearly the same spot as you and while I don't have a lot of advice (still soaking in the knowledge from these forums), I just wanted to say a few things to you:

1. I'm super sorry that you're going through this - I know the agony of not knowing, and then the realization that your world as you knew it has shattered. Just know that you and your kids will get through this - maybe not the way you had envisioned, but you will be happy again.

2. Don't take anything she says about your marriage or you personally. Read up about the fog (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp) - it has helped me understand why my wife was saying what she did.

3. Reaching out to the OBS was a baller move - one I wish I had the fortitude to pull. I didn't want to dwell on the A any longer than I had to so kudos to you.

4. I feel you about the holidays. We're talking about ways we only have to see each other for Christmas Day etc. so if she has a mutual friend she can stay with, that might be easier to deal with. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell my son and will be leaning on an IC to help.

5. As far as the mountain of emotions and actions that need to take place, do them at your own pace. I've tried to get a plan in place and force myself to follow all of the 180 but in reality, I've decided that I'm going to let myself go at my own pace. I will feel what I feel and when I'm ready to address each of the emotions, I will.

Thumos posted 11/12/2019 22:37 PM

We talked about staying in the same house (for the kids sake through the holidays) until the new year, then getting separated. I don't know if I can stomach this situation that long. She wants to live together until we sell the house, which could be the middle of next year, then live separately.

No. Nopety nope nope. A thousand times no.

Do not fall for this. Itís utter bullshit, like almost everything else she is saying.

I understand you love the wife you thought you had. Thatís not this woman. As they say on Duck Dynasty, ďshe gone.Ē This is another person, the one living inside that she kept at bay for years. This is as much the real her as the wife you thought you married. The body snatchers didnít take your real wife away. This is her. Sheís unsafe at any speed.

So let that sink in.

Do not give her the soft landing she is looking for. This is not your problem anymore. Itís hers.


Move forward with the divorce. Talk to your divorce attorney about the very real impact this is having on the kids and how your wifeís erratic and unstable behavior has caused issues with your kids. Move for primary custody.

SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES RIGHT NOW. I canít emphasize this enough.

Talk to an employment law attorney immediately and get your divorce attorney and this other attorney talking so you can coordinate best legal strategy for the fact that THE VP OF HR IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A SUBORDINATE (YOUR WIFE) AND THAT HE INTERVIEWED YOU FOR A JOB.

LOOK INTO AN ALIENATION OF AFFECTION LAWSUIT against the AP immediately. Itís your advantage in NC; use it.

Sorry for the all caps, but you have got to get hard about this. now.

And yes, hit the iron temple. Look into Stoppaniís size protocol and start hitting the weights. Hard. Drink water. Eat clean. For awhile, give your brain a break and just eat chicken breasts, broccoli and white rice. Donít drink alchohol.

Have you been tested for STDís? You still need to do this.

Have you VARíd her? Even if youíre divorcing, you should still consider this to gather evidence that could help you. Since sheís in utter la la land, and is living in a Candyland utopia where she thinks she can badger you into living with her while she has a boyfriend sheíll say things and have conversations that are batshit crazy and useful for you. Use this window and act now.

She may in fact come crawling back; she may not. If she comes crawling back you need information, you need intel, and you will need to be prepared to deliver her the package of nonnegotiables. Or simply kick her to the curb and enjoy all the stable, loving, kind women who ARE OUT THERE and wonít do this to you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Thumos posted 11/12/2019 22:41 PM

Also get into IC for yourself, preferably with a man, preferably with a man who specializes in betrayal trauma.

ramius posted 11/13/2019 01:39 AM

Consult a corporate attorney.

Corporate law is not like a TV show. There are rarely trials. 95% of the time itís a payout with a non-disclosure agreement.

Most likely he will get fired, she may get fired or demoted, and you will get some money. Actions have consequences.

But again the timing of actions needs to be coordinated between the divorce and corporate lawyers. This is to insure you the best possible outcome.

Dismayed2012 posted 11/13/2019 14:54 PM

It is worth it to tell the company owner what his personnel manager and an employee were doing in the building and on the building grounds. Blow it up to everyone. Don't allow them to stay in the dark. It will also help to ensure that they don't start up again after the dust settles. Do it for the OBS too.

Masters2020 posted 11/13/2019 15:01 PM

Many people said to come here to vent, which is exactly what I'm doing right now.

Today sucks. Every day for the last 3.5 weeks has sucked. It's hard to get a positive out of any day. We went to see a MC yesterday. In the last 3.5 weeks, I've been cheated on, lied to multiple times, said my family sucks (which is not a total lie), she's not attracted to me, she only had sex for me and turned off her emotional side, said I'm like living with a teenager, and that she doesn't love me. My self worth and self esteem are at all time lows.

We talked about going home for Christmas, and now she's not sure. So I might have to suffer because you cheated? That's not how it works. She won't give me any timeline. I'm going to have to create my own timeline and get separated because sitting in limbo is killing me. I can't work, I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I still have moments where I hope this is a nightmare that I'm going to wake up from.

Realistically, I'd be better off in the long run with someone that loves and cares about me. It's just that I feel so alone and depressed. I see the person she used to be and wish I could get that back. I wish I could have changed the course of our relationship. We have two young kids that are going to suffer through something they didn't do, they don't deserve this.

I'm broken. I thought I'd be in a better place almost a month out. I feel like I'm in a worse place. I need to make a plan and see my lawyer again. I need to get out of this toxic situation with someone I thought loved and cared about me.

Whatever, It was just 10 years of my life right. Who knows what the next 10 will bring.

Bourbonhelps posted 11/13/2019 15:22 PM


Sorry. Remember you are not the one that made shitty, selfish decisions, she did. She is attacking to make herself feel better. Remember your positives and your kids. You can't control her childish, self serving behavior.

And as my name says, bourbon helps in moderation.

Mene posted 11/13/2019 15:54 PM

Youíre only 3.5 weeks after DDay. Youíre going to feel like shit for a while. This is what we all went through. As time goes on though things start to improve. And they will for you, too.

You need to inform the CEO of the company that youíll be taking action. Youíre allowing this piece of shit to get away with having an affair with your wife. Do not let this slip. You must act.

Your wife appears to have checked out of the marriage. Itís sad this is the case. Sheís on you her true character. You will be better off without a person who doesnít want to R. Telling you she just had sex with no emotion is a cruel thing to tell a spouse. Find someone who will feel otherwise. Youíre still young.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:41 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

ryno posted 11/13/2019 16:38 PM

Masters, your wife says these hurtful things to make herself feel better about what she has done. Stop MC and refuse to engage with her.

Take the ŗdvice offered and report the behaviour to the CEO

The less you see of her, the faster you will heal.

EllieKMAS posted 11/13/2019 16:50 PM


3.5 weeks out I was still having multiple anxiety attacks a day, puking 4-5 times a day, having crying jags multiple times a day, in short I was a hot fucking mess. I couldn't focus for more than 10-15 minutes on anything. Sleep was impossible unless I drugged myself to oblivion. What you are feeling right now is to be expected and completely normal. Make yourself eat. Drink a lot of water. Sleep as well as you can, even if you have to take OTC sleeping meds to do so.

It helped me early on to set very small very doable goals. Some days it was something as little as "Put eye makeup on" or "Eat an apple". Some days it was all I could do to remain upright. I remember being where you're at right now and it blows. As far as lawyer - that's a bigger goal, but one I do think you should do sooner rather than later. For your sake as well as your children's sake.

It does sound to me like this is an exit A unfortunately, but the sooner you go nuclear and blow this shit up, the better it will be for you mentally and emotionally IMHO.

Be kind to yourself and just know that you WILL get through this. I promise you will. No matter what happens with your M, you will survive it and better days are ahead of you.

annb posted 11/13/2019 17:05 PM

Masters, please make an appointment with your MD

Your children need a healthy dad.

At minimum, ask him/her for something to help you sleep. Many of us here have taken medications temporarily to help us through those darkest moments. When I visited my MD after D-Day, she told me she hears these stories all the time. I felt ashamed when there was no shame.

I also suggest stopping MC.

I think the best thing you can do right now is be proactive. Put yourself in the driver's seat, don't allow her to drive this bus any longer. No more ping pong with your life, take control as best as you can.

Make you and your children the priority. Don't do anything for her, I mean anything. Conversations limited to children and finances. 180 hard. Get your ducks in a row.

I agree with the others, WS always rewrite marital history to justify their despicable actions.

Start now with a plan for the holidays. Exclude her if necessary. It will be much easier when the time comes to stick to your plan instead of remaining in limbo.

Shockedmom posted 11/13/2019 17:09 PM


Please understand that you are still in shock after a trauma. She is rewriting the marital history and must vilify you in order to justify her horrible actions. She is the cheater, she is the liar and she is responsible for damaging the family.

Please be gentle with yourself. Find a therapist for you, donít waste time and money with MC. Donít rely on her for plans over the holidays. Start doing things that make you happy. Be with supportive people. Use the 180 to bring some peace and allow you to begin the healing process.

Marz posted 11/13/2019 17:13 PM

You have nothing to work with here. Prioritize yourself and kids.

Hard 180.

Bud, it's very common to rewrite the marital history. It's right out of the cheater playbook. That'd all this is.

Keeping yourself in this will just make it worse.

Get strong and go your own way. You must drop the hopium pipe.

Lawyer up. Knowledge is a good thing.

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