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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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Marz posted 11/12/2019 09:25 AM

At this time it doesn't matter what she wants.

In house separation is hell. Why would you want to put yourself and kids through that? Just prolonged agony and drama. She just wants a cake eating gig for as long as she can get it.

IMO I'd just rip off the bandaid, file and move on.

annb posted 11/12/2019 09:26 AM

Hi, Masters, I'm sorry.

I suggest you continue your post here as well as visit the divorce/separation forum. Members there will be very supportive and offer advice from their personal experiences.

Be sure to seek out the advice of more than one attorney asap. It's critical you be proactive even though your heart is grieving.

You will be ok. All of us here have survived whether we reconciled or divorced. It takes a great deal of time, please seek out a great support system that has your back....counseling, friends and family and a member of the clergy if you are so inclined.

[This message edited by annb at 9:28 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 11/12/2019 09:28 AM

We decided last night to separate and get divorced. The short of it in my eyes...She fell out of love with me a long time ago, instead of seeking help and trying to improve our relationship, she went outside of our marriage to find what she needed.

Cheater script. They always rewrite the marital history to make an excuse for their actions. That's all this is.

You do need to understand you can't believe anything she says.

Bigheart2018 posted 11/12/2019 09:34 AM

Your wife needs to leave because she is the one who cheated. It is my opinion you should contact the CEO of the company and report both of them. Forget about the separation and move forward with the divorce.

beenthereinco posted 11/12/2019 09:38 AM

I'm sorry it has come to this. Has she even admitted to anything beyond an EA? I think in NC you have to be physically separate for a year to divorce correct? So does waiting to separate just keep that clock from ticking?

If so I don't see how you can stay in the same house and maintain your sanity. She will likely come out in the open now with her Affair and you will see her dating, on the phone, hell maybe even have the POS over to the house. I don't see how you can deal with that. Have you discussed the logistics of it all?

I wouldn't tell her anything about a potential lawsuit against the company. She is not on your side any more. I'd keep that as a possibility and speak with an attorney that specializes in EEOC complaints or employment law. That is just for you, don't let her know. I think you can get some money there and severely mess with the OM's career and you should. Yes it is revenge but it is also justice. I might wait until the divorce is settled to do it. Gather evidence throughout and then hit them with it. Just thinking you can get a settlement out of them that you don't have to share with your WW since you'd be divorced. Talk to the attorney about all of this. I would want to make the POSOM pay but I wouldn't want my WW to profit from her infidelity. Don't get a settlement that becomes joint marital property is what I am saying.

For your kids I think you need to talk to them in an age appropriate manner but I would find a way to tell them within their level of understanding and without a lot of extra descriptors that this is a divorce because their mother wants to date. I wouldn't say it was mutual, I wouldn't let her say "We just grew apart", etc. She has to face the consequence of what she has done. I would tell everyone that asked me why I was divorcing that I could not stay in a marriage that was not exclusive. Somehow get across to your children that this is Mom's decision.

jackfl posted 11/12/2019 09:44 AM

I am grieving for you buddy. There is no easy way to get through this other than to bear down and push on. She will realize what she has done much sooner than you think as the the consequences of her actions set in personally, professionally, and financially. Mr VP isn't going to look so tantalizing for much longer. On that note, I would definitely follow the advice some have given you here in regards to lawyering up to pursue action against her company and her scumbag AP. Time for war dude, armor up and show them they have pulled the wrong tiger's tale.

On the side of taking care of you, get into the gym whenever you can. Pumping iron will help you burn off a ton of that nervous energy you have running through you right now. It will also help build some of your confidence back as you battle through this.Take care of your mind by reading some self help books. A lot of men I've known that have been through this shit show read No More Mr. Nice Guy and found it very helpful. Good luck man, will be praying for peace for you and your little ones.

Masters2020 posted 11/12/2019 09:48 AM

Replying to questions...

She's only admitted to an EA with kissing/making out. She is adamant that nothing else happened, but I can't believe a word she says.

Yes, in NC you have to be physically separated for a year before filing for divorce. I haven't talked about a timetable yet, but need to speak to another lawyer.

I've thought about suing the company, but question is it worth it. Do I want to destroy her career, his career, and put myself through hell, just to get some money out.

Their relationship is essentially over. I told his wife last week and she confronted him over the weekend. She told me she cares about him but I don't see it going anywhere unless we and his wife and him separate. Which it certainly might. I told her she needs to not date him ever out of respect for me, but she obviously doesn't have any respect for me or our marriage, and she hates when people try to control her, so she might go back to him when all the dust settles.

EllieKMAS posted 11/12/2019 10:28 AM

We decided last night to separate and get divorced. The short of it in my eyes...She fell out of love with me a long time ago, instead of seeking help and trying to improve our relationship, she went outside of our marriage to find what she needed.

This is the same marriage re-write bullshit ALL cheating doucheholes say. Don't listen to a word of it.

I love her and will have to get over that. She hasn't loved me for a long time, so no matter the effort I put in, it was all for naught. As much as I want to make it work, I'm better off without her. I need someone that shares similar characteristics to me, and will love me as much as I love them. I'm a rare guy, I have a ton of love to give.

It is ok that you love her and you are not a bad man for doing so. No she doesn't love you - good people don't annihilate the ones they love. You are indeed better off without her. Don't think about finding someone new right now - focus on you and your healing.

If someone has any idea about what I should do to get this process going, please let me know. I need all the constructive advice I can get. We talked about staying in the same house (for the kids sake through the holidays) until the new year, then getting separated. I don't know if I can stomach this situation that long. She wants to live together until we sell the house, which could be the middle of next year, then live separately. It all makes my brain hurt, but we have to divide assets, deal with child support, custody, move, health insurance, etc. It's all too much for me to think about right now.

Start somewhere. Anywhere. I would find a good divorce attorney and start getting your ducks in a line. Just like any other problem, just take it one little bite at a time.

My one prayer is that my kids and I find peace through this situation. I also pray that someday, a week or 10 yrs down the road, that she realizes what she did to me and this family.

I hope that for you and your children too. Don't hang hope on her acting like a decent human when she has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt what a shit she is. Sucks bigtime, but just keep moving on for your own sake and your children's sake.

How it could have all been different if she came to me, like a mature adult, many months or years ago, told me her struggles, and we got help. I guess hindsight is 20/20, but I would have never hurt her in this way. My favorite phrase out of all of this summed up, it sucks.

Exactly. She is broken and fucked up. Mature responsible decent loving adults don't try to solve their issues with someone else's genitalia.

IMHO, in NC I think is well worth going after him. If for nothing else I think it would be very psychologically and emotionally empowering for you.

And yeah, she might end up dating this asshat. Not your circus not your monkeys. But I would talk to your D attorney about putting something in your S/D agreement that he is legally not allowed to be around your kids. Even if she does end up dating him, it doesn't mean you are under any obligation to make that easy or pleasant for her.

Masters... DUDE.... I have read a lot of JFO stories and every now and then one comes along that just blows me away. You're sad now, but the rage is coming and you need to be prepared for it. And you have a LOT to be angry about - the unbelievable disrespect this woman has shown you and her children is just... fucking stunning.

Hang in there. Things will get better, they WILL. But getting there is gonna be a rough road to be sure.

Robert22205https posted 11/12/2019 10:38 AM

Every thing your wife says from telling the OBS to she's not in love with you anymore is pretty typical stuff for a cheater desperately trying to rationalize their EA (selfishness, entitlement, deceit and lack of empathy for you).

Will she change her mind about D? Will you take her back? I don't have any advice for that stuff. Time will tell.

However, I can suggest you (for your sake as well as your kids) exit infidelity asap.

IMO the best strategy for saving your marriage (if that's what you want) is for your wife to experience the reality/consequence of her betrayal (losing her loving and supportive safety net).

Speak to your attorney about separating asap.
Continue the 180. Talk only about the kids and D. Don't be her shoulder to lean on (and also don't give her any kind of advice and don't fix her car).

Don't show her your pain. Let her see evidence that you accept the D and are moving on.

Reinvent yourself.

Focus on the 'new' you: buy new clothes, change your grooming, exercise, buy a new car, take up a hobby, take 1 night out a week for yourself (even if you just sit in Starbucks), take a spa vacation for yourself ....

Check in here and vent ... vent....vent!

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:40 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Organic2003 posted 11/12/2019 10:38 AM

Yes you should report and begin a lawsuit.

This is called Justice and is important to all of society. It is important that there are consequences to injustice. The AP intentionally tried to injure you with his actions and he has injured you. What he did was abuse to you, your wife, the company and all of society! The only remedy is a lawsuit.

The AP is in charge of other women too! Protect them from this predator.

Your wife will probable not lose her job she is the subordinate. If she resigns the courts will expect her to find a similar paying job.

Wishing you and your loved ones peace. ((HUGS))

Organic2003 posted 11/12/2019 10:45 AM

Oh Masters
I forgot to mention. GO PLAY A ROUND of GOLF
I hope you break par!
Find some relief from this pain golf is best for me. How about some new golf cloths like nickers and a hat.
How is your golf game?

hansvoleman posted 11/12/2019 11:02 AM

I am sorry to read your news. You are right. It does suck big time but you are not on your own here and you will get guidance if you ask.

It's all too much for me to think about right now.

It will go on like this for a while. Focus on the small tasks you can achieve now, eat as well you can, drink water and exercise. If you have an idea of how you want YOUR life with your kids to look, focus on developing them - "how do I turn a wish into a goal?". Above all don't make any decisions. Your STBXW has detached and is now well into planning what her new life will look like. Don't let her railroad you into ANYTHING. You move at the pace that you want and if it is dead stop for a month or so and you only agree on the bare essentials for the kids, use the time to help yourself by working on yourself.

I hope you can get some sleep. Sending you strength.

hansvoleman posted 11/12/2019 11:15 AM

Do I want to destroy her career, his career, and put myself through hell, just to get some money out

It's not about money. The money is the undeniable proof that you are the wronged party. It will you bring you back some self respect and a sense of self worth precisely because the process to a judgement does make you stand and be counted. Even if you don't get a pile of cash, you get a pile of paper that in 20 years time when your XWW is slagging you off to your adult kids, you can drop a file in their laps and say "judge for yourself.

My XWW wanted a divorce. Wait two years and then apply for the divorce. I chose the adultery option so the divorce took three months. She absolutely didn't want to admit but some judicial pressure via the APs business push her into it. She rewrote history a lot but she never could avoid that.

You don't need to and probably shouldn't start down that path yet in any case. You need another legal opinion.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 11:15 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Jduff posted 11/12/2019 11:37 AM

I've thought about suing the company, but question is it worth it. Do I want to destroy her career, his career, and put myself through hell, just to get some money out.

Companies don't like going through the hell of litigation as well, which is why they are often willing to settle out of court. You should still put the pressure on. It would be much easier and less costly to fire the OM than it would be to prepare for a long legal battle.

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/12/2019 11:49 AM

The guy is a VP of HR.
Does anyone think this is the first time he has "fished from the company pier" it's like "shooting fish in a barrel" to combine two metaphors.
Mrs Masters is most likely the latest in a string of sidepieces.
Since he is the boss they will come down on him and pay you a settlement of "go away money" and probably dead end her career and expect her to eventually leave.
If she's a good employee when not banging the boss she will be able to find another equally good job as they won't give her a bad reference.

And news from the OBS and their situation?

Carissima posted 11/12/2019 12:08 PM

You have exposed the affair to the OBS I personally would be wary about any exposure or lawsuit in the workplace if you are divorcing. Why would you want to risk any negative impact to your WW's earning power now and in the future? This can only negatively impact your children and possibly you! It's better that she keeps her high paying job when you split, maybe not as satisfying but definitely makes more sense.

ICaughtThem posted 11/12/2019 12:23 PM

She's only admitted to an EA with kissing/making out. She is adamant that nothing else happened, but I can't believe a word she says.

Sure, she's willing to break up two marriages and get divorced since the kissing/making out was just that good, right?

fareast posted 11/12/2019 13:18 PM

Do what you feel best about exposing them to the employer. In my opinion it is the right thing to do. The guy is a predator. But donít worry about a prolonged legal hassle. IMO this is something the employer will want to make go away very quickly and settle. Their HR CEO is hitting on M employees and conducting a clandestine A. They do not want this to go public. Threats of a suit and public exposure will br8ng them to the table with a wheelbarrow.

Bigheart2018 posted 11/12/2019 13:27 PM

I agree with Fareast

ryno posted 11/12/2019 13:28 PM

Your wife wants to protect her image. Staying in the same house is all about appearances. It is not good for the corporate image to have this on your regime. Let her work colleagues know two families have been destroyed as a consequence of the affair.

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