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Honesty and Promises

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Regretitall posted 11/21/2019 08:35 AM

Lifeitself, not on that day, no. The night before. On Tuesday night we had very intimate and loving sex, as we have been doing for 16 months now. Let me explain. After my EA was discovered, BH agreed to keep trying with me. And we put a real effort into fixing what was wrong in our relationship, including sex. And it has been incredible. However sometimes, my BH cannot "finish". This is not a problem solely caused by my A. He has had this happen from time to time since we first got together almost 12 years ago. I have no doubt that sometimes this is now caused by the trauma that I caused him but it was also something that happened before. I told him that night, as I always do, that whether or not sex ends in total completion is not important to me and never has been. Do I like sex? Sure. Of course. But I also love the kissing, the cuddling, the fondling, the foreplay. I don't care if his penis never works again, so long as we can still have intimacy...even just intimacy outside of the bedroom. I've reassured him of this every single time this has ever happened, before and after my affair. My response has never waivered. We went to bed that night and I sent him a message yesterday morning, as always, telling him that I love him. He replied that he loved me too. I asked if he was okay and he said he would be fine. I told him that I would be right here for him. He said he hoped so. I said that I'm going nowhere. He said until he can't perform anymore and I go looking for someone else to sleep with again. I reassured him again and he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. A bit later he sent me this "I want to point out something that is bothering me and that is the fact that you continue to tell me that you were not looking for sex. Its complete bullshit and you know it. If it was not sex you were looking for then you would not have discussed it right away on the first day. You need to stop trying to convince me that you didnt go into it with full intention of fucking him". From there I told him that is not why I went looking for anyone and he shut down. Eventually, he said he needs a break.

To explain our situation further, as mentioned above, he found out about my 2 month A on July 19th, 2018. I lied to cover my own ass right away and said it was just an EA. I felt horrible for the A, and for lying about it, but I was scared of losing him. When he found out and I saw that he did still care (something I questioned for years) it was like a hard slap across the face or an ice water bucket being dumped on my head. My H was here! He still loved me! And I was terrified to lose him, so I lied about it being physical. In the first few months, he talked about suicide a number of times. I was scared to death. I did everything I could to help him. And to me, that meant continuing to lie. If he was having a hard time just knowing that I talked to someone else, how would he survive knowing that it was also physical? I couldn't tell him and risk his suicide. Risk our young kids having no father. Risk his older son and his 3 grandchildren having no father or grandfather.

We moved along an awful lot for 13 months. He did a lot of healing. We grew so much closer. But the A was still brought up. He still questioned the truth as he said he just "knew". He mentioned a polygraph and would I pass one. I couldn't keep up the lying. I couldn't go to a test and know I'd fail it. So on August 29th, 2019, I told him that it was physical as well. I've told him the 100% truth of everything. Over the course of this 16 months, he's been told of every conversation that I can recall. He's been told of every time I saw the OM in person. He's been told of exactly how many times we were physical and what took place.

I did an awful lot of lying for a long time. But I am not lying about anything anymore. He wants me to admit that I went looking for sex, and I can't admit that. Cuz it isn't what happened. He says that if I just wanted to talk to someone, I'd have kept it to just talking. I was lonely. We had stopped talking for years. We co-existed in this house. We talked about the kids. We fought about everything and nothing. We had sex next to never. Maybe 12 times in the previous 2 years. Before this A stared with the OM, I reached out to 2 other people. I was in a very bad place in my head. I had had a health scare and I was turning 40. Our relationship was horrible; he'll tell you the same thing. I started to wonder if this was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life. And I thought about suicide. In doing that, it lead to dreams of things I could have changed in my life that would have led me to a totally different outcome. I wanted to set my life right before, or incase, I ended it. So I sent a message to an ex telling him how bad I felt for not giving him a fair chance many years ago; it went unanswered. And I sent a message to an old friend, who I met the same night I met my first husband, and told him that I should have picked him (he liked me too) and that the reasons why I didn't were stupid but I was young and dumb. I told him that had I picked him, my dad wouldn't have had his stroke on account of the bullshit my exhusband caused. And we ended up talking here and there for a few weeks. We talked a bit about my marriage problems and things him and his wife got past. He asked why if sex was lacking, did I not cheat. He said he didn't recommend it cuz he had cheated on his wife many times and it made their relationship so much harder. He got mad over me ignoring his messages one day when I was having a bad day and has stopped talking to me. No big loss.

And that leads us to the OM. I messaged him to correct something on his FB business ad. We chatted briefly. I said we'd talk again sometime. He asked if he'd ever talked drunk and flirted, cuz he can flirt when he drinks. Stupid me, instead of just saying no, I said "No, you have never, but I'm not sure I'd mind if you did". Which went to him asking if my BH and I were having problems, which led to us both revealing problems in our marriages. Which led to him saying that I didn't deserve that treatment and I was too nice and too kind and too pretty and blah blah blah. After being "beaten down" with unkind and sometimes cruel words from my BH, I ate that shit up. And I wanted more. I wanted him to keep telling me how beautiful I was. And I learned years ago, that if you want a man to keep saying nice things to you, then you have to give them what they want. And the fact that he kept saying that his wife wasn't giving him sex and "maybe we should help each other out", I figured that if I didn't go that route, I'd lose the nice comments. So I went against everything I have ever believed, and I cheated. Just before my 40th birthday. After having never cheated in my life; in 17 years of relationships.

My BH wants me to admit that I went looking for sex. He won't believe anything else. I won't lie again. I did not go looking for sex. I didn't go looking for an affair. I wish I had never made the stupid comment about flirting and just ended that conversation. I wouldn't be in this boat. But, I am. And I'll keep bailing water out of it before I sink. But I won't admit to going looking for sex when that is not what I did. Yes, I had sex. Yes, I had an affair. But I was craving the positive attention.

Sorry for the long post. Again, I have no one to talk to about it. Any words of advice or wisdom are valued and appreciated.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/21/2019 11:46 AM

Regretitall,

In my case my marriage was on the rocks and I was depressed, feeling unwanted, etc. So I went looking for an affair. In some strange way I was looking for validation, compassion and counselling. Yes, I should have gone to a counsellor, or better yet spoke to my wife. No I was too chickenshit to do that. So I wnet for the affair to get my ego stroked. And boy did I take to that like a junkie to meth.

I told myself wasn't looking for sex. BUT - i knew sex would be part of the deal. AND I enjoyed it.

So to look back now after all the years - yes I was looking for sex too. Not singularly, but as part of the whole package.

Yes, you too went for ego stroking, but you also went all in just like so many others of us did. So maybe you did't look for an affair for the sex only, and for some BS's that is the harder part to swallow.

Maybe your BH would feel better if he thought it was only for the sex?

Lifeitself posted 11/21/2019 12:21 PM

Well unfortunately u not admitting you went for
sex wonít change his mind. I think itís because his male
subconscious is blaming his partial erectile disfunction for your affair.

Can you not try help him address his ED without insulting him?

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 12:23 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Regretitall posted 11/21/2019 12:23 PM

I don't know if him thinking it was just for sex would make him feel better or worse. When he found out about the A and thought it was just an EA, he said more than once that it would hurt less if I had just went to the bar and went home with someone for sex. He said it was harder to know that I had a relationship with the OM. Now that he knows it was also physical, he seems stuck on the physical. The very thing he said would have been easier to get over is now what he's having a hard time getting over.

I don't know if this is over yet or not. I'm here. I want to be here. I just need him to want to be here too. It would be nice to not have to talk about this every single day. I don't know how he can move away from it if he keeps talking about it almost daily, for hours at a time. I'm not going to give up. Even if he chooses to be done and divorce, I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to be the best mother for my kids and the best me I can be. And if he is ever willing to give me another chance, the best, safest, wife for him that I can be.

Regretitall posted 11/21/2019 12:32 PM

Lifeitself, I am more than willing to help any way necessary. I know that part of the ED at this point is visions and thoughts of me with the OM when BH and I are together, he has said so. But it was something that happened on occasion before the A too. But yes, if he will ever allow us to go back to having a physical relationship, I will do whatever is needed to help him.

BluesPower posted 11/21/2019 12:50 PM

I don't know if this is over yet or not. I'm here. I want to be here. I just need him to want to be here too. It would be nice to not have to talk about this every single day. I don't know how he can move away from it if he keeps talking about it almost daily, for hours at a time. I'm not going to give up. Even if he chooses to be done and divorce, I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to be the best mother for my kids and the best me I can be. And if he is ever willing to give me another chance, the best, safest, wife for him that I can be.

Just an FYI for you...

This sounds like you are almost tired of talking about YOUR affair. It SOUNDS like the WHY WONT he get over it spiel...

So be careful with this thinking.

You understand that when you lied and GAS LIGHT him for so long, that when you finally told the truth, everything reset to ZERO for him.

When that happened, everything started from scratch, it really is D Day 2.

So he has to process this from the very start.

Also, guys so that you know, not being able to finish is not really ED.

It is not being able to finish, it happens a lot esp when your are older. It is a pain, but it does happen.

Losing your erection or not getting it up is ED.

And that can most of the time be fixed with a pill.

Just helping you see some of that he is thinking...

Regretitall posted 11/21/2019 13:12 PM

Yes, BluesPower, I do understand that my lying started the whole thing again. Dday 2 was almost 3 months ago. I don't mind talking about it. I'm sorry it came off that way. It's just hard on the times that we talk about it and he withdraws. I have read on here to set aside "blank" amount of time per day to talk about anything that you want to ask or know. But he tends to talk about it all day. I am in no way trying to hinder him or be selfish. I will do anything and everything that he needs to get to a safe place. Whether that place is with me or not.

As far as the ED. Thank you for the correction! I hope that it will resolve itself as it really doesn't happen very often, and now I'm sure it's mind movies causing the problem. BH will be 45 in a few months, so not sure of any problems that may arise as he gets older but I am there for any and all of them.

Lifeitself posted 11/21/2019 13:39 PM

Bluespower, thanks I know what ED is:)

But I also love the kissing, the cuddling, the fondling, the foreplay. I don't care if his penis never works again

I thought he might also have ED following regretiallís above comment. Anyways this is not the heart of the story.

Sorry for the threadjack regretitall.

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 1:43 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Jorge posted 11/21/2019 16:01 PM

I can understand your husband's line of thinking.This is not to say I disbelieve you, but it's possible you may have contributed more to what transpired than you think.

With many men, give them an inch of opportunity and they'll take care of the rest. Your husband knows this.Your AP's knew this with your outreach and words. If I heard from my high school crush, I would think she just coded me entry into her world if I'm interested.

If what you explained here was similar to what was explained to your husband, he sees that you were vulnerable and placed yourself in a situation where your vulnerability could be exploited and that's what happened. To be frank, I'm not surprised in the least, considering what led up to it.

As a woman, it's easy to say, I wasn't looking for it, but the reality is, women don't have to, as generally speaking the man closes the deal here. All they have to do is be passive aggressive stay true to being able to say "it just happened", which is facilitated by brief, but strategic communications, availability, and a couple of drinks if needed. Herein, you have your AP recipe.

Stuff normally just doesn't happen (my words,not yours). It's preceded by a set of circumstances and decisions that enable such. Just throwing it out there as a possible theory behind your husbands thinking.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/21/2019 16:33 PM

Regretitall,

So i'm going to focus on one part of all this - ED

I'm 51 and to be honest at times the plumbing isn't what it used to be. I smoked for a lot of years, and also drank my fair share - both of which are killers for getting a good erection. Plus we get older, more tired, less testosterone production, and one time that my erection fails and it could be weeks of mental talk everytime I get an erection and I self defeat myself.

So, about 8 years ago I got a prescription for Viagra. Best thing I ever did. I go the 100mg (one of the higher doses) and I cut the pills into 4 or even 8 pieces - makes it cheaper than buying the 25mg pills.

Now, when I had my affair, for the first 2 months I couldn't finish. Not even if I tool a whole pill. That there is your guilt and morals kicking in.

The other problem I had was that for a long time, both before, during and after the A my wife was not 'all in' with sex. She was on some depression meds, there's all the daily life stuff, etc. It felt like I was raping here because she was so passive.

One thing we learnt post D-Day - nurture your love, enjoy the sex, but enjoy the company more.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/21/2019 16:45 PM

Now to talk about the other issue of just having sex.

You know, in some ways my BW would have processed my A a lot better if she knew it was only for sex.

The betrayal was sharing 'myself' - my thoughts, feelings, and desires with someone else. To be having moments together and sharing stuff.

It hurt my BW more knowing that I met my AP for coffee to just talk, rather than booking a room at the hotel to fuck.

What I think you, and your BH are missing is actually talking to each other. Try to change things. Go out and buy a nice bottle of wine, or a few premium beers, light a few candles, sit down and look him in the eyes and talk to him. Tell him about your whys, tell him what you really want, tell him how it hurt your morals to do what you did.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/21/2019 16:59 PM

Oh yeah, and back to the ED thing.

Get lube. Some really good stuff. Silicone and water based (they are both so different).

You can use it on him, or get him to use it on you, and also makes starting penetration so much easier. Especially if he is dealing with ED mental issues. It just slides right in.

TMI. Sorry,but I had to at least share....

Regretitall posted 12/16/2019 13:23 PM

An update on our lives. I also posted in my initial thread of "Help me to help him"

I had a break through in talking to my husband today. I've all along said that I didn't go looking for an affair, that it just sort of happened. I realized today that I did subconsciously go looking for an affair. I was lonely and feeling neglected. Instead of going to my husband to talk about things that I needed, I shut him out even more and went to prove that I am attractive even though I'm fat. I got attention and positive words from an outside source. It hurt today when I realized that. I've shed more tears than I have shed in a long time. It hit me so hard to realize that I willingly went and did this. I willingly did something that I knew would probably (I did doubt his love at times) hurt him. I willingly did something that could ruin my family's life.

My BH will get upset if I remember something differently then I told him before. The basis of everything is still there. What we spoke of. The physical aspects. But for example today, he brought up my other email that I made. I don't remember sending anything from it, not do I remember what it was. I made it and left it. He says I sent pictures to the OM from it. He says I told him that before. I can't recall. I'm not denying the pictures or that I made an email, I just don't remember sending the pictures from there. So we still disagree a lot about what is truth or lies. He says he has no doubt that I will cheat on him again. I know damn well that I will never put myself or him in this position again.

Today, he's decided again that he needs a break. He's planning on moving out for a month in January. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but he also says that he thinks he needs to be apart to see if he actually wants the relationship or if he's just too scared to leave me. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. I have no idea what the future holds anymore. Sometimes he'll say this and then stay. Well, he's always stayed cuz we've never broke up yet. But sometimes he'll say that he's going to leave in the new year and then he'll change his mind and say he's not. I'm not sure if he really wants to or if he's not sure what he wants or needs. I guess I have to let him do whatever it is he wants to do. And just pray that he loves me enough to come back.

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