"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

YoNoTengoAlegria posted 11/4/2019 18:13 PM

I have not been here in some time and have a lot to say. This goes into a lot of different places. I started this on Saturday night. Fair warning, it has a lot of me in it. I'm telling you what I'm doing/feeling. Maybe I need to do more of something, less of something else. I really don't know. 

I am in a better place right now. Understandably, my BW is not. She is still in the same very place she was after DD. I have been working on myself a lot. During this year and 8 months I have seen 8 different therapists. They have all told me the same thing. 1) I only have control over myself. I can’t change my BW. I can’t make her love me, forgive me as I can’t control her thoughts and feelings. 2) I am going to need to forgive myself.

Because of statement one, I have been taking care of myself. More focused on bettering myself, self care. I’m up at 4:30 every morning to work out, eating super healthy. I meditate, I pray. I have become a better person, an even better father, and my wife won’t agree with this, but I feel I have become an even better husband. I have been so consistent. I’ve been on top of everything. I’ve been so giving. Trying to just make sure she is as happy and as comfortable as she can be, considering the position I have put her in and the destruction I have caused.

Number 2 was a struggle, but I needed to be able to forgive myself in order to help get myself out of my depression. Out of the mindset that I’m a worthless human being, that I’m a failure. It has helped a lot. I no longer make it about myself, I don’t get destroyed when my BW yells at me, tells me she hates me, is angry at me, or rejects me. It has made me think clearer so that I can focus more on her and what she needs. Does that make sense?

My wife has still not done much work on herself. I’ve been told by some on here that she doesn’t have to. She saw a therapist for about 4 sessions. She fell into depression after DD and started seeing a doctor 6 months later. She only saw him those 4 times and said that he wasn’t helpful. She would tell me about all the tools he was providing her and I was just amazed. They sounded so good. I was able to see him several months later, only because my wife agreed she was never going to go back to him again. I have been dealing with depression for almost 23 years. This guy was able to get me to a place I have never been before. The tools and resources this guy provided me were life changing and just what I needed to change the stupid things I have been telling myself for the past 23 years. He was the one that was finally able to get me to forgive myself.

It's true what they say, that therapy only works if the person wants to be helped, healed. My wife is not there. We just had the same conversation we had about a year ago.

We are out of town. I brought her to a concert to see one of her favorite bands. It was amazing! We both had a really good time. We came up to the hotel room after the show and I asked her if we could be intimate. Before I could finish asking, she said no, wasn’t interested. She began to tell me how much she hates me, how angry she is at me, that I’m a liar and a cheater, she went down the list.

Let me jump into the sex part for a bit. We have not had sex since New Years. I took her to Mexico for a week and we had sex everyday on that trip. I have asked a handful of times since then only to be rejected. I will not lie, it has been very tough. I don’t even know if I would have been able to perform if she had said yes. I’ve been having some difficulty performing on my own. Masterbation doesn’t work. I can work on it for a very long time, and it just doesn’t ...work. I’m only 38 and shouldn’t be having troubles, but anxiety kicks in, thought just start whirling in my head, i start feeling like less of a man, and then nothing.

Back to the conversation, she went on to tell me that she still wants a divorce. She has told me before that she wants a divorce but she just couldn’t afford to right now. She’s also told me that she doesn’t want to because of our young children. Whatever the excuse is, I’ll take it. I don’t want her to divorce me. I want her to continue to be my wife, I love her. This can be very confusing to me. Yes she tells me she wants a divorce, but we are also planning on our future together. Just last week we decided we are painting the outside of our home. We’ve been wanting to do this for several years now. This will cost over 20,000$. Also, next year we are taking a trip to Fiji and another to Disney world a couple of months after that. Then the following year I’m taking the family on a week trip to a resort in Mexico. We have so many plans and talk about the future.

At the concerts last night, we ran into an old friend from my old life. I was a profession musician for over 20 years. I walked away from all of that the beginning of the year. She was quick to tell my friend how great this was for us now. How great it was to have me home every weekend and no longer touring on the road. How we are able to be together more and do more as a family. It was genuine too, I could tell she meant it. Those are not words that would come out of a person wanting to divorce me. Yet hours later, she told me she did.

To be honest, I haven’t been doing much to show her I love her in several months. I admitted to her that I actually fear her and fear upsetting her. I have been scared to ruffle her feathers so I have stayed out of her way. And when I say stay out of her way, I just mean that I’m in the background taking care of everyone and everything. I went from taking care of 50% of the duties at home to over 90%. So staying out of her way is, she doesn’t like to greet me when she sees me, so I stay out of her way. She doesn’t like to see me in the evenings so I stay out of her way. I don’t say good morning or good night, or have a good day. I do a lot of staying out of her way. I stopped talking about US only because it angers her. I don’t mind talking about anything, I am totally open, honest and truthful, but she decided that she doesn’t want to hear anymore. So tonight I told her that I’m not going to hide from her or fear her anymore. I won’t love bomb since it seems like that isn’t a good thing, but I’m going to tell her how I feel.

She just woke up. I said good morning.

I wrote this part later.

She got ready and asked me to take her to breakfast. We walked to a nice place down the street. She was acting like last night’s conversation didn’t happen. She was being really friendly., I liked it. During breakfast we talked about the trips we have planned next year. She mentioned that she wanted to see a concert the was happening next year. It’s happening 4 states away. My extended family lives there and she came up with the idea of visiting them while we are there. Even taking the kids with us so they can finally meet my grandmother. It made me cry. I’ve told her before that my grandmother probably wasn’t going to survive this year. It meant a lot to me that she would think of that. After breakfast, we walked a farmers market. I bought her some gifts. I got her this pieces of hair jeweler that an artist hand made. She loved it. Then we drove back home to pick up our kids. After we picked them up, she asked me to stop at a Halloween store where she bought us a bunch of stuff for our next Halloween.

TL;DR
1 year and 8 months later, we are still on the rollercoaster. Those that have been on it longer, have you been where we are?

Justsomeguy posted 11/4/2019 18:37 PM

Wow. You have quite a lot to deal with. I'm a BS with not a lot I can offer, but I can chime in on the sexual performance part. Are you on any meds? I'm just asking since I was on anti-depressants for a long time and they made finishing the race difficult. The upside is my cardio really improved. You may want to talk to your doctor about thus if it us a med issue. Hope you guys find your way.

HellFire posted 11/4/2019 18:40 PM

It sounds to me like she is riding the emotional rollercoaster. It sounds normal.

I understand why you say you are staying out of her way. Because of the way her dips on the rollercoaster make you feel. However, have you considered what that signals to her? That she is in this alone. That you are not a safe person for her. Add in that you admit you haven't been showing her love for several months, and you are causing more damage to her,and your marriage.

YoNoTengoAlegria posted 11/4/2019 18:45 PM

Justsomeguy - No meds. I haven't talked to a doctor about it. I kinda just stopped trying. Sorry, TMI. It got to a point where I was hurting myself down there.

YoNoTengoAlegria posted 11/4/2019 19:04 PM

Hellfire - I don't stay out of her way because of how her dips make me feel, I do it more for her. I don't want her to get upset. I feel like it's one of the things I can do to cause her less stress. I mean, I wish I could just calm her down, hold her, let her know that she is loved, but all that upsets her, so I don't. The look I get when I try to love her is really bad and shows so much anger, so I back down cause I think it is too much for her. I started off thinking, I'm going to just keep saying it and loving her until she knows I mean it. I just started getting scared of her so I stopped. But that's kinda what I what to go back to. So I try to show her love by doing things just for her, tapping into her love language. I didn't stop loving her, just went about it another way that I guess isn't so obvious. I'm just trying different things, you know?

Needtobefree posted 11/4/2019 20:44 PM

My H cheated on me. This pain is like no other. You sound like you are doing great work. Don't give up on her. Keep being there for her and don't give up. Your consistency and persistence mean ALOT. She may not show it but God willing, she will one day!

FoenixRising posted 11/4/2019 21:21 PM

If your wife doesn’t think you’ve become a better H, then you haven’t.

‘BW yells at me, tells me she hates me, is angry at me, or rejects me. It has made me think clearer so that I can focus more on her and what she needs. Does that make sense?’

No, it doesn’t actually. When bs says those things to you, you need to make her feel safe. You need to be transparent. If she thinks your not, then you’re not. It’s really that simple.

‘My wife has still not done much work on herself.’

Says you! She’s not putting up with your crap... sounds to me like she’s fighting for herself. Who has time to ‘work’ when you haven’t recovered?

‘He was the one that was finally able to get me to forgive myself.’

Well how lovely for you. Just great. You blew your wife’s world up and like wine the eff up because she was/is SO destroyed ... then she tries to see someone to assist HER, is too broken bc you fucked someone else and that therapist wasn’t enough. she crawled back into depression, which you know so much about being 23 years deep in but now recovering from and seem annoyed that she didn’t see the treasure you’ve found in the same therapist. Holy crap man... pull your head out of your own ass and show this woman some god damn compassion and sympathy. I get it’s been almost 2 years but you don’t get to put a time constraint on her healing.

‘Let me jump into the sex part for a bit. We have not had sex since New Years. I took her to Mexico for a week and we had sex everyday on that trip. I have asked a handful of times since then only to be rejected. I will not lie, it has been very tough. I don’t even know if I would have been able to perform if she had said yes. I’ve been having some difficulty performing on my own. Masterbation doesn’t work. I can work on it for a very long time, and it just doesn’t ...work. I’m only 38 and shouldn’t be having troubles, but anxiety kicks in, thought just start whirling in my head, i start feeling like less of a man, and then nothing.’

IOh bless your heart. I can o my imagine the reality check You are getting from others in this, so I’ll spare you other than to say... wow... have you done any work since DDay?!?!? Your poor BS.

‘This will cost over 20,000$. Also, next year we are taking a trip to Fiji and another to Disney world a couple of months after that. Then the following year I’m taking the family on a week trip to a resort in Mexico. We have so many plans and talk about the future.’

Oh boy. Wow. Really???????? Ugh. You’re getting everything so mixed up. Stop trying to buy your wife with trips. Just be you. Let your damn walls down. She doesn’t want your money, bro. She wants you. Her love language isn’t trios and money. I dint know what it is but I can fully relate to her thinking how when it’s good it’s fun to plan the future but there are certainly things that occur on both sides that cause panic. She’s not over it. You must work harder. If you don’t want to, let her go.

HellFire posted 11/5/2019 07:30 AM

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

ALL of your posts are about how you do everything and she doesn't appreciate you enough. ALL about how she isn't doing any work on herself, and you're frustrated with her.

You complain that You do most of the work around the house. You had an affair while she was home raising small kids. So, during that time she was picking up the slack. Now you have traumatised her, it's your turn to pick up the slack.

You've basically shot her, and are bitching because she is bleeding out.

All of your posts lack empathy and compassion.

You seem to believe that trips and money will heal her.

Here's a little secret about many,many betrayed wives. Yes, we are angry. Full of rage. That's normal. However, once our WH starts to get it, and find true remorse, that anger starts to weaken. Very much so.

You admit you haven't shown her love for months. After you cheated on her. After you had 2 affairs. You haven't shown her love.

It's no wonder she is so upset.

If your IC isnt helping you develop empathy and compassion, you need a new one.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:32 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

inthedarkness posted 11/5/2019 08:56 AM

Usually the response is, “so then how could you cheat on me?” And I really don’t have an answer to that. All I can say is sorry, and that I love her.

I copied this from your first post. Have you figured it out yet? Do you know why you cheated on your wife? If so, does she know why you felt it was o.k. to cheat?

Saying "I love you" means nothing when you've broken her heart, destroyed her happy world and sent her brain into mass confusion and anquish.

Evermore posted 11/5/2019 11:37 AM

I am a BS and seem to be in a similar position to your partner, our time line of about a year and a half is the same.

Like others have said, she is on a roller coaster. I would still talk about a future and plan things with my partner, but really my hand had always been on the escape hatch. We will have lovely romantic dates that I would seen to enjoy from his perspective but be hating him in my head the whole time. He would feel we were moving forward only to have me randomly explode the next day.

Sometimes feeling good on a date makes it worse. It is like a snap shot of how wonderful your life could be if it never happened.

I respect the hard work you are doing on yourself. Ultimately she needs to go through her process and decide if she can love you for who you are now. Help her focus on the present and the future. Does she see who you are now?

I could see the tremendous growth my WS made. He did all the right things outside of DD week. Ultimately I still see him as a stranger to me.

hikingout posted 11/5/2019 12:29 PM

I am glad you have worked on therapy - but why so many therapists? What's the problem that you keep moving? Do you think that in itself might be an issue?

I think you know you need to stop cowering away from her and leaving her to deal with this on her own. Doesn't matter what you think is the reason. Even your cowering resembles sneakiness, and reminds her of the person you were in your affair.

Even in a situation where the WS works their butts off, nothing is guaranteed or owed. What you are talking about with your therapists saying you can't control anything but yourself, this is true. We have to at some point let go of the outcome and fully show up as our authentic selves and be there totally for our bs. 18 months is still early for most, and the roller coaster is normal.

What do you do when she refuses intimacy? Your reaction could in fact be keeping her shut down from it. I had similar issues as you describe before the A, during the A, and after the A in terms of basically not really being able to operate normally sexually. It was very disconcerting, but I found I was still numbing my emotions so much that it was numbing everything. You are likely experiencing depression and should talk to your doctor about that. For me, I solved the depression with exercise, getting enough sleep, doing a gratitude practice, taking vitamins (some deficiencies such as Vitamin D can add to depression and anxiety)

Answer this: Why do you want your wife and your marriage?